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  #406  
Old 01-20-2020, 07:09 PM
ColdNoMore ColdNoMore is offline
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The Queen takes the visiting pope for a ride in a carriage through London.

Suddenly one of the horses farts very loudly. “I am terribly sorry,” apologizes the embarrassed Queen.

The pope replies, “Oh don’t worry, if you hadn’t said anything, I’d just think it was the horse!”


------


At a job interview:

“Mrs. Lober, what do you consider your greatest weakness?”

“Honesty.”

“Really? I don’t believe that is a weakness at all.”

“And I don’t give a rat’s fart about your stupid opinion!”
  #407  
Old 01-22-2020, 09:27 PM
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  #408  
Old 01-22-2020, 09:36 PM
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Some great ones, CDM!
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  #409  
Old 01-22-2020, 10:55 PM
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Originally Posted by CFrance View Post
Some great ones, CDM!
Thanks M'lady.
  #410  
Old 01-23-2020, 10:32 AM
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I noticed three hefty women in the bar and their were talking with an accent. I went over and said, "Evening Lassies, are you from Scotland?" One of them screeched at me: "No you idiot, Wales." I said sorry, "Are you three Whales from Scotland.? That's the last thing I remember.
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Old 01-25-2020, 01:26 PM
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Although not technically a "joke," it did make me chuckle at reading about how Karma...seems to have nailed this dude.

Cheater Busted (pucker up here)

Quote:
Last Saturday, CBS reporter Roger Gonzalez shared a clip in which the man — identified as Deyvi Andrade — was at a match between Barcelona SC and Delfin. Andrade is seen with his arm around a woman and kissing her before realizing that the moment was caught on a kiss cam. He immediately pulls his arm away from her and stares straight ahead with a grim expression on his face.

"When you kiss your side chick and realize your marriage is over cuz you're on camera," Gonzalez jokingly captioned the clip on Twitter.
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Old 01-30-2020, 01:11 PM
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Pretty much dead on.
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  #413  
Old 01-31-2020, 10:07 PM
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Q: My child doesn't want to eat meat. With what can I replace it?






A: A dog. Dogs love meat.
  #414  
Old 02-01-2020, 06:13 PM
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I have two tickets for the 2020 SUPER BOWL, both box seats. I paid $2,500 each ticket, but I didn't realize last year when I bought them, it was going to be on the same day as my wedding. If you are interested, I am looking for someone to take my place... It's at St. Tim's Church, in The Villages at 3 p.m. Her name is Stacy. She's 5'2, about 120 lbs. She's a good cook, cleans and does dishes too. She'll be the one in the white dress.
  #415  
Old 02-08-2020, 08:45 AM
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Real bravery! ......


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Old 02-14-2020, 06:20 PM
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A little girl is sitting on Grandads knee. Grandad she says can you make a noise like a frog. Yes says Grandad, but why would you want me to do that. Well says the little girl Mummy says when you croak were all going to Disneyland
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Old 02-14-2020, 10:42 PM
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Originally Posted by martine48 View Post
A little girl is sitting on Grandads knee. Grandad she says can you make a noise like a frog. Yes says Grandad, but why would you want me to do that. Well says the little girl Mummy says when you croak were all going to Disneyland
Great one
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Old 02-14-2020, 10:47 PM
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Interviewed a woman for employment, went over the job description and duties. Asked her if she had any questions. She replied “ how many sick days will i get” that ended the interview.
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  #419  
Old 02-20-2020, 01:44 PM
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People that confuse the words "burro" and "burrow" don't know their a$$ from a hole in the ground..
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Birthdays Are Good For You. Statistics Show the More That You Have The Longer You Will Live..

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  #420  
Old 02-29-2020, 10:47 AM
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An Airbus 380 is on its way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h in 30,000 feet, when suddenly a Eurofighter with Tempo Mach 2 appears.

The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: "Airbus flight, boring flight isn’t it? Take care and have a look here!”

He rolls his jet on its back, accelerates, breaks through the sound barrier, rises rapidly to a dizzying height, only to swoop down almost to sea level in a breathtaking dive. He loops back next to the Airbus and asks, "Well, how was that?"

The Airbus pilot answers: "Very impressive, but now have a look here!"

The jet pilot watches the Airbus, but nothing happens. It continues to fly stubbornly straight, with the same speed. After five minutes, the Airbus pilot radioed, "Well, what are you saying now?"

The jet pilot asks confused: "What did you do?" The other laughs and says, "I got up, stretched my legs, went to the back of the flight to the bathroom, got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon cake."

The moral of the story is:

When you are young, speed and adrenaline seems to be great. But as you get older and wiser, comfort and peace are not to be despised either.

This is called S.O.S.: Slower, Older, Smarter.



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