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  #341  
Old 06-23-2019, 05:24 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tom C View Post
When life gives you MELONS ..... you are Dyslexic.
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Nice try...
  #342  
Old 07-03-2019, 02:19 PM
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Talking Nice try...

Carpool Lane Violation (zoom-by here)

Quote:
A Nevada Highway Patrol trooper was stunned after he pulled over a hearse that was driving in the carpool lane on Monday, and the driver asked if the corpse he was transporting counted as a passenger.

Trooper Travis Smaka spotted the Chrysler minivan hearse going southbound in the HOV lane on Interstate 15, according to the Los Angeles Times. The driver appeared to be alone — but that was because Smaka was not counting ”the dearly departed in the back,” as Nevada Highway Patrol Southern Command later explained on Twitter.

So Smaka flashed the lights of his patrol car and pulled over the hearse driver, collecting his license and registration. He was expecting to hear one of the more typical excuses — that the driver was running late for an appointment or on his way to an emergency situation.

But instead, the driver nodded toward the rear of the minivan. Smaka took the hint and asked, “Oh, you have a deceased in the back?”

That’s when the driver pressed his luck and replied, "So, he doesn't count?" according to Fox News. The trooper had no choice but to break the bad news — cars are only allowed in the carpool lane when they’re carrying at least two “living, breathing people.”

“He’s not with us” he told the driver, then clarified, “This body was in the rear cargo and that doesn’t qualify as a seat.”


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  #343  
Old 07-03-2019, 03:29 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ColdNoMore View Post
- Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.

- I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

- I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.

- My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.

- My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.

- My wife accused me of being immature. I told her to get out of my fort.





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  #344  
Old 07-05-2019, 09:26 PM
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  #345  
Old 07-06-2019, 08:15 AM
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LOL very funny
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  #346  
Old 07-06-2019, 08:51 PM
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I would be worried about a lawsuit...from someone having a heart attack.




On second thought it's China...so never mind.


Edit: Look at the guy on the left @ :40...he peed his pants! ...

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Last edited by ColdNoMore; 07-06-2019 at 08:58 PM. Reason: Just noticed something. LOL
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  #347  
Old 07-07-2019, 12:15 PM
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I was having trouble with my computer so I called my 13-year old son to help me.

He clicked a couple of buttons and fixed it. As he was walking back to his room I asked him what the problem was.

He said: "It was in ID ten-t" issue. Not wanting to sound stupid but curious in case I had the same problem again, I asked him what an Id-Ten t was.

"Write it down," he said. So I did.


IDIOT. (He never was my favorite child.)
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  #348  
Old 07-07-2019, 05:16 PM
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I was at a bar the other night and overheard 3 very hefty women talking. Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I asked, “Hello, ladies are you lassies from Scotland?”

One of them angrily screeched, “It’s Wales you bloody idiot, Wales!”

So I apologized and replied, “I am so sorry. So are you three whales from Scotland?” And that’s the last thing I remember.
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  #349  
Old 07-07-2019, 06:03 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BK001 View Post
I was having trouble with my computer so I called my 13-year old son to help me.

He clicked a couple of buttons and fixed it. As he was walking back to his room I asked him what the problem was.

He said: "It was in ID ten-t" issue. Not wanting to sound stupid but curious in case I had the same problem again, I asked him what an Id-Ten t was.

"Write it down," he said. So I did.


IDIOT. (He never was my favorite child.)
I can see that...from my kids.
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  #350  
Old 07-15-2019, 01:36 PM
Ann Marie Acacio Ann Marie Acacio is offline
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For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine:

Tom was driving home from a business trip in Northern Arizona when he saw an elderly Navajo man walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, he stopped the car and asked the Navajo man if he would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the man got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Tom tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo man. The old man just sat silently, looking intently at everything he saw, studying every little detail, until he noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Tom.

'What in bag?' asked the old man. Tom looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's bottle of wine. I got it for my wife.'

The Navajo man was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, he said:
'Good trade.....'
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