[zcaveman]

Nuggets From Steven Wright

One of my favorite comedians:

1. A lot of people are afraid of heights. not me, i'm afraid of widths.

2. Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

3. Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while i was a suspect.

4. Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

5. For my birthday i got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... i put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

6. George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.

7. How young can you die of old age?

8. I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

9. I have an answering machine in my car. it says, i'm home now. But leave a message and i'll call when i'm out.

10. I have an existential map. it has 'you are here' written all over it.

11. I have the world's largest collection of seashells. i keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.

12. I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!

13. I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

14. I like to reminisce with people i don't know.

15. I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.

16. I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

17. I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

18. I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. you couldn't park anywhere near the place.

19. I was at this restaurant. the sign said "breakfast anytime." so I ordered french toast in the Renaissance.

20. I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

21. I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

22. I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

23. I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

24. I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.

25. I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

26. I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

27. If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

28. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

29. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?

30. If you had a million shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?

31. If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

32. If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

33. Last week the candle factory burned down. everyone just stood around and sang happy birthday.

34. There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

35. Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.

36. What's another word for thesaurus?

37. When i die, i'm leaving my body to science fiction.

38. You can't have everything. where would you put it?