[gap2415]

THESE ARE CLEVER AND MOSTLY TRUE

A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part
of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way
that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the
first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic
effect.


I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that
way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his
level and beat you with experience.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my
grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in
his car.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than
standing in a garage makes you a car.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still
on the list.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people
appear bright until you hear them speak.

If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in
public.

War does not determine who is right -- only who is left.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not
putting it in a fruit salad.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse
gets the cheese.

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening,' and
then proceed to tell you why it isn't

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal
from many is research.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is
where a train stops. My desk is a work station.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but
it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for
anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble
down the stairs.

Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of
captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of
the pool and throw them fish.

I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted
pay checks.

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can
prove that you don't need it.

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says
"If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR."

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it
... So I said, "Implants?"

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four
billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down
the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they
are sexy.

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for
president and 50 for Miss America?

Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall
of a successful man is usually another woman.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a
parachute to skydive more than once.

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some
good ideas!

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect
it back.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in
such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at
home, even if you wish they were.

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery
easier to live with.

I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be
devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches
my foot.

Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever
they go.

There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone
down so they can't get away.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

I always take life with a grain of salt ... plus a slice
of lime ... and a shot of tequila.

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the
Fire Department usually uses water.

You're never too old to learn something stupid.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and
call whatever you hit the target.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are
after it as when you are in it.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

[redwitch]

Never heard the Slinkie one before. Truly laughed out loud. Thanks for the morning chuckle!

[Uptown Girl]

LOVED 'em.

[Madelaine Amee]

Excellent - thanks. Really liked the "Light travels faster than sound ..............."

[Challenger]

Consistency is a virtue , unless you're a jerk--(A--H---)

[goldseekur]

Thanks for the laughs! I thought they were great.

[Loudoll]

Thanks, that was fun.