[DeanFL]

Jerry Seinfeld has produced a "Stand-Up Special" for Netflix.
Although the special itself is new, Seinfeld opts to tell old jokes, all of which he crafted as an up-and-comer at Comic Strip Live. Here are some of the punchlines:


1. "I go through customs and the guy asks me, 'Do you have any alcohol? Any drugs?' Is this an effective interrogation? Is anyone going, 'Bingo, you got me, I didn't see that question coming. 20 kilos right there.'"

2. "When you’re five and you get bored, you cannot support your body weight. I remember going to the bank with my parents ... and I would lie down flat, like, 'Sorry, Mom, there’s nothing I can do. This place is so dull, I cannot get up.' This is what I think adulthood is: Adulthood is the ability to be totally bored and remain standing."

3. "Eventually I brought (my parents to a show) and I was so nervous that night because I was showing them this whole side of myself. It was like my little gay closet moment. I had to say, 'Hey, Mom, Dad, I don't know how to tell you this — I'm a funny person and I don't want to be ashamed of it anymore. I want to lead a funny lifestyle now.'"

4. "I had glasses at 10, braces at 12. I said to my parents, 'Let’s not stop now. How about a hearing aid? Orthopedic shoes? I’m thinking about talking to a girl for the very first time in my life. I want as much corrective apparatus on my head as I can possibly get. I think that’s what women like.' "

5. "Anything '20 minutes' is a lie. Anytime someone says, 'I'll be there in 20 minutes,' 'takes 20 minutes,' 'I thought you said you'd be there in 20 minutes?' No one knows what 20 minutes is."

6. "I remember the first time I could afford a maid. I felt so guilty. I was following her around the whole time, like, 'I don't know why I left that there, I'm sorry. I should have picked that up, but I just didn't. I have no excuse.'"

7. "Go down (to a retirement community) to visit your parents, end up in a hot tub with your father and three or four really old men. That's a perfect way to meet elderly people: half-naked, sitting in tubs of hot, bubbling water. They get out, they look like an ad for gravity."

8. "I’m left-handed. Left-handed people do not like that the word 'left' is so often associated with negative things: Two left feet, left-handed compliments, 'What are we having for dinner?' 'Leftovers.' You go to a party, there’s nobody there. 'Where’d they go?' 'They left.'"

9. "Life cereal? That’s a ballsy name. 'What are we gonna call this?' 'How about O-dies, Square-dies'. 'Oh no, this is much bigger than that. This is Life, I tell you! It’s Life!"

10. "I think the biggest step in relationships is when you have a kid. You get to a point where everyone you know has caught onto you, and you have to create a new person that doesn't know anything about you."

[coffeebean]

I've seen Seinfeld in person. It's all about the delivery of the jokes and Seinfeld is a master. He is a master at segue from one subject to another. Seinfeld is genius in his craft.

Thanks for this thread.

[chuckinca]

Ask Alexa to tell you a joke.

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It's so great that he can be funny without every other word being an fbomb. It's sad that a statue of a civil war veteran can be offensive but vulgarity isn't anymore.