Villages First - A Bio-degradable Battery

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  #1  
Old 04-01-2013, 07:08 AM
junction29 junction29 is offline
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Default Villages First - A Bio-degradable Battery

Breaking News Part 1 – 08:00am 1st April 2013;[CENTER][/CENTER]
The NAPIT Group, one of the UK’s largest Trade Associations for Electrical, Plumbing, Heating and Renewable Energy Contracting Companies announce a hugely significant technical breakthrough in sustainable technology which they claim will revolutionise the Microgeneration and Electrical Powered Vehicle markets.

After several months of highly complex and technical experimentation, followed by some fine tuning in the sunny climate of Florida, the Research Section of the NAPIT Group Technical Support Department and the Gilchrist Technical Support Group in The Villages, Florida, have announced today that they have managed to prove the viability of a fully sustainable biodegradable battery system eminently suitable for the Sustainable Technology, Microgeneration and Electrical Vehicle markets including Golf Carts, which they have named the ‘Cheebat’.

(Note: This invention started with the NAPIT Group, but when a sunny location was needed for the final viability research, a world-wide search was launched, which found that the Village of Gilchrist, in The Villages in Florida has the highest concentration of Engineers and Mathematicians per square inch than in the whole of the rest of the world.

A pair of representatives were swiftly sent, undercover and acting as a tourists, to ascertain whether the greater Gillyland was a suitable location for the final stage of the research and they reported back that the inhabitants of this remote location were indeed up for the challenge and a UK/USA partnership was born);

The Cheebat system is based upon the ability of certain cheeses to crystallise when subject to very specific frequencies and voltages and even more remarkably to metamorphose back into cheese when the stored electrical energy held within the crystalline structure is withdrawn.

A NAPIT Group Management spokesperson said “When the research team rang at 04:00am this morning, from Florida, they could hardly speak with the excitement and it took several minutes to fully appreciate just what they had achieved.
This technology will revolutionise so many areas, just imagine being able to charge up your cheese based battery with a Solar Photovoltaic Panel mounted on the house or car roof, or a Solar Concentration Dish in the garden, going on a picnic, then eating half the battery for lunch, driving back, then eating the other half for tea (called Dinner in the USA) – no waste or nasty chemicals to dispose of - when you have finished with the battery just eat it”

A statement, apparently issued by His Worship the Mayor of Gilchrist stated “When the two undercover agents landed in Gilchrist late last year, many of us thought there was more to them than met the eye, especially when they started talking in a funny accent and coming out with phrases like “smashing”, “fabulous “ and “bits and bobs” and we were proved right - we are honoured that our happy little community has been chosen to participate in this incredible technical breakthrough because of the wealth of talent that it possesses covering many of the sectors vitally important for commercial success in today’s highly competitive world, even though this breakthrough may well make all the inhabitants of our community Multimillionaires, believe me that is not what has driven us to throw our whole expertise behind this wonderful invention, but rather it is the change it will make for all mankind – honest”

In another incredible twist, it appears that this system will only work efficiently with traditional British hard cheeses, with the hard external crust, like Cheddar, which fortunately for the partnership can also be found in certain parts of the USA.
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As the head of the NAPIT Group Technical Support Department has pointed out “Everyone who has ever bitten into the hot cheese in a Cheese Toasty sandwich and burnt their tongue will know that cheese holds the heat energy extremely well.

This idea for a cheese based battery started just six months ago when one of our guys was using a Microwave oven to melt some cheese and he had the brainwave of trying to see if the cheese could hold electrical energy as well as it did heat energy, with today’s announcement being the result.

We were also amazed to find that soft cheeses and processed cheeses just do not support the technology, which puts Britain and the USA and their respective farming communities at a real commercial advantage”.
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  #2  
Old 04-01-2013, 07:14 AM
junction29 junction29 is offline
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Default Breaking News Part 2

Breaking News Part 2 – 08:01am 1st April 2013;
Because the NAPIT Group recognised very early the incredible commercial possibilities for UK Plc and its close allies, a team of Politicians, Bankers, Agricultural and Supermarket leaders have been brought into the loop by the NAPIT Group – Gillyland Partnership to enable a fast response once the breakthrough had been achieved in order to ensure that British and American Industry has the best possible lead over foreign competitors.

A spokesperson, apparently from the Government Department for Business Innovation and Skills on hearing the news stated;

“This fantastic breakthrough by the NAPIT Group – Gillyland Partnership Technical team is yet more evidence of the high technical ability of British and American Engineers and their fantastic ability in being able to think outside the box in finding unique solutions to what some would claim are insurmountable problems”.

A spokesperson, reputedly for the UK and USA Farming industries went on to say;
“We have been quietly building up our dairy industry since the NAPIT Group first informed us of the research, ready for the anticipated demand for traditional hard cheeses once the technology had been cracked by the NAPIT Group – Gillyland Partnership team and they have given the go ahead for the announcement and we are very optimistic now for the future of the British and American dairy industry.
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Overall this really is good news for British and American farming, not only for Milk Production for making the suitable Cheeses, but also for the huge opportunity to use the enlarged dairy herds to produce the raw sewage for use in Anaerobic Digesters (which basically make Gas from Excrement), which is a win-win situation for us farmers.”

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The Association of Supermarkets, another body who were privy to the original NAPIT Group research activity apparently announced this morning that their members will be offering Mature Cheddar, Red Leicester, Cheshire and Double Gloucester, if available, at half price for anyone buying at least a five pound portion, which is apparently the smallest viable battery size, before 12 o’clock today.

A ‘Banking for Britain and the USA’ spokesperson went on to say “The World-Wide Banking Industry has had so much bad press of late that when we heard of this initiative by the NAPIT Group-Gillyland Partnership Technical team, we decided immediately to give it our full backing.
Later today, before 12 o’clock, a special hotline will be set up for British and American companies to ring if they want to borrow the funds to develop a manufacturing base to produce the Cheebat.
The NAPIT Group have kindly offered the use of their Electrical Engineers to help us validate applications for funding”

Finally, the last word is from a consortium of Members of Parliament in the UK and Senators in the USA who formed a small international and highly confidential cross party committee when they were informed by the NAPIT Group of the impending breakthrough and its implications for British and American Industry, they went on to say;
“In the current economic climate, it really is heartening to hear that the NAPIT Group, a British company, with their American partners the Gillyland Engineers, have completed such a vitally important piece of research
Implications for the British and American economy are truly awe-inspiring and we predict that this product should create around 150,000 jobs throughout the UK and around 500,000 jobs throughout America over the next two years.
The Cheebat initiative is of such national and indeed world importance, that we have formed this cross party committee to oversee its development and we are working with the NAPIT Group - Gillyland Engineers to enable British and American firms to embrace the new technology and hopefully gain a world wide commercial advantage.
Working closely with the ‘Banking for Britain and America’ movement and the NAPIT Group – Gillyland Partnership, we hope to be able to convince the two Treasuries to offer to support any loans from the Banks with a central government grant system for both British and American companies and possibly householders as well at a later date.

The prospects and applications for this are endless and this breakthrough by the NAPIT Group - Gillyland Partnership couldn’t have come at a better time than in the days before the G20 summit, it will really give the Prime Minister and President something to be proud and indeed boastful about”
  #3  
Old 04-01-2013, 07:14 AM
Buckeye Buckeye is offline
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I certainly won't be the first to use a block of cheese as a battery!
  #4  
Old 04-01-2013, 07:16 AM
junction29 junction29 is offline
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Default Breaking News Part 3

Breaking News Part 3 – 08:02am 1st April 2013;

Prototype planned;


A couple of prototype CHEEBAT powered Golf Carts are expected to be launched shortly for field trials under Jimbo2012’s ‘Go Solar’ initiative, driven by A4-SkyHawk and Mr Flintstone, utilising their extensive experience of high powered aircraft to prevent these highly powered vehicles from going so fast as to be a menace to any slow moving or elderly Gillylanders.

Future Staffing Plans and Investment Opportunities;

Volunteers for the engineering work should in the first instance contact Head of Gillyland Technology, Professor Augustine with details of their availability.
Wages and benefits for Volunteers and Investment Opportunities for Greater Gillylanders can be discussed with His Worship the Mayors, Head of Administrations, Administration Assistant, who will carefully judge each applicants suitability and financial worth to the finished product and who’s decisions are final.

For the members of the public who have internet access, a dedicated page on the NAPIT-GILLYLAND Web Site is now available at NAPIT - Home where advice and tips are available on recommendations on how the new technology can used.
  #5  
Old 04-01-2013, 07:17 AM
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Bill-n-Brillo Bill-n-Brillo is offline
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I ain't no April Fool!!!!



Bill
  #6  
Old 04-01-2013, 07:20 AM
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memason memason is offline
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Geezzzzz.....


APRIL FOOLS !!!!!

But a damn good one...
  #7  
Old 04-01-2013, 08:24 AM
A-4 Skyhawk A-4 Skyhawk is offline
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I think Andy has been sipping the Gilchrist home brew again.
  #8  
Old 04-02-2013, 07:08 PM
junction29 junction29 is offline
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Default Sorry - Just an April Fool

Sorry to disappoint all those Eco Warriors and Investors out there, but it was just an APRIL FOOL
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