More intersesting than Wackadoodle's library thread
 

Most of us have traded insults on this board. I would like to suggest we can trade some laughs too.

If you have a joke to share, please feel free to contribute. If you want to whine, or attack the other posters, please do it in one of the other threads.

They weren't in my pockets. Suddenly I realized I must have left them
in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My husband
has scolded me many times for leaving my keys in the car's ignition.
He's afraid that the car could be stolen. As I looked around the
parking lot, I realized he was right. The parking lot was empty. I
immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that
I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.
*
Then I made the most difficult call of all to my husband: left my
keys in the car and it's been stolen."
*
There was a moment of silence. I thought the call had been
disconnected, but then I heard his voice. Are you kidding me?" he
barked, "I dropped you off!"
*
Now it was my turn to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come
and get me."
*
He retorted, I will, as soon as I convince this cop that I didn't
steal your damn car!"

A wife comes home late one evening, and quietly opens the door to the Master Bedroom.
From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two.
She reaches for a baseball bat and starts whacking the blanket as hard as she can.
Leaving the covered bodies groaning, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.
As she enters, she sees her husband there, leaning on the counter, reading a magazine.
"Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit, so I let'em stay in our bedroom.
Did you say "hello”?

The teacher Mr. Hull*said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"
*
HE*saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Hodakio, a bright foreign exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up: "Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.
*
*
"Very good! -- Who said,' Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth."
*
Again, no response except from Little Hodakio: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863".
*
"Excellent!" said the teacher Hull*continuing, "Let's try one a bit more difficult -- Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country'?"
*
Once again, Hodakio's was the only hand in the air and he said: "John F. Kennedy, 1961".
*
*Teacher Hull*snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves. Little Hodakio isn't from this country and he knows more about our history than you do".
*
He*heard a loud whisper:"F_ _ k the Japs".
*
"Who said that? -- I want to know right now!"*he angrily demanded.
*
Little Hodakio put his hand up, "General MacArthur, 1945".
*
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke".
*
*Teacher Hull*glares around and asks, "All right! -- Now who said that?"
*
Again, Little Hodakio says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991".
*
Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? -- Suck this!"
*
Little Hodakio jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher Hull, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
*
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, "You little ****! -- If you say anything else -- I'll kill you!"
*
Little Hodakio frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the children testifying against him, 2004".
*
The teacher, Dean Hull*fainted.
*
As-the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh ****, we're F-- ked!"
*
Little Hodakio said quietly, "The American people, October 28, 2015 11:00 PM after watching the GOP Debate.

A motorcycle police officer stops a driver for shooting through a red light. The driver is a real jerk, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!
So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit offensive terms.
The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.
When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to The 'violator' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.
The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an *******!"
Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record with a high number of points and is in danger of losing his license, so he hired a lawyer to represent him.
On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run through the red light.
Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"
Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."
Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"
"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."
"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"
"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."
"Aggressive and hostile?"
"Yes, Sir.
"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for *******?"
Well, sir, you know your client better than I do.

Harassment. Use of wackadoodle and library thread. Very inappropriate jokes too as some high school and junior high school kids might be looking at this now or at some future date.

A Scotsman went to Confession in St. MacGregor's Catholic Cathedral.

'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Kitty Green twice last month.'

The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'

Soon thereafter, another Scottish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Kitty Green twice a week for the past two months.'

This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Kitty Green?'

'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied.

'Very well,' sighed the priest.. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.

At mass the next Christmas morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, Voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary.

The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.

The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.

The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Kitty Green?'

The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, 'No Father... I think it's just a reflection off her shoes'.

He was a widower and she a widow.

They had known each other for a number of years being high school classmates and having attended class
reunions in the past without fail.

This 60th anniversary of their class, the widower and the widow made a foursome with two other singles.

They had a wonderful evening, their spirits high.

The widower throwing admiring glances across the table. The widow smiling coyly back at him.

Finally, he picked up courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"

After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered,

"Yes,..... yes I will!"

The evening ended on a happy note for the widower. But the next morning he was troubled.

Did she say “Yes” or did she say “No?”

He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. He went over the conversation of the previous evening,
but his mind was blank.

He remembered asking the question but for the life of him could not recall her response. With fear and trepidation he picked
up the phone and called her.

First, he explained that he couldn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the past evening.
As he gained a little more courage he then inquired of her. "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say “Yes” or did
you say “No?”

"Why you silly man, I said ‘Yes. Yes I will.’ And I meant it with all my heart."

The widower was delighted. He felt his heart skip a beat.

Then she continued. "And I am so glad you called because I couldn't remember who asked me!”

The manager had put together the perfect team for the Baltimore Ravens. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN, he saw a war-zone scene in the West Bank. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away. KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney. KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph. BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" the manager said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!" So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Ravens go on to win the Super Bowl. The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his Mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!" "I don't want to talk to you," the old woman says." You are not my son!" "I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses and then tearfully says,

"I will never forgive you for making us move to Baltimore !!!!

A young Texan grew up wanting to be a lawman.

He grew up big, 6' 2", strong as a longhorn, and fast as a mustang. He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in the air at 40 paces.

When he finally came of age, he applied to where he had only dreamed of working: a West Texas Sheriff's Department.

After a series of tests and interviews, the Chief Deputy finally called him into his office for the young man's last interview.

The Chief Deputy said, "You're a big strong kid and you can really shoot. So far your qualifications all look good, but we have, what you might call, an "Attitude Suitability Test", that you must take before you can be accepted.

We just don't let anyone carry our badge, son."

Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, the Chief said, "Take this pistol and go out and shoot:

six illegal aliens,
six lawyers,
six meth dealers,
six Muslim extremists,
six Democrats,
and a rabbit."

"Why the rabbit?" queried the applicant.

"You pass," said the Chief Deputy. "When can you start?"

A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.
Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, stuttering she asks the sales clerk, 'Dddoo youu hhhave ddiilldos?'
The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies, 'Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models.'
The old woman then asks, 'Dddddoo yyyouu ccaarry a pppinkk onne, tttenn inchessss llong aand aabbout twoo inchess ththiick...aaand rruns by bbaatteries?
The clerk responds, 'Yes we do'
She asks, ‘Dddoo yyoooouu kknnoooww hhhow ttoo ttturrrnnn ttthe ssunoooffabbitch offffff?

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.

After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked,

Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?

The rabbi responded, Yes, that is still one of our laws.

The priest then asked, Have you ever eaten pork?

To which the rabbi replied,

Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest,

Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?

The priest replied, Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith

The rabbi then asked him, Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?

The priest replied, Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my Faith.

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, and sat thinking, for about five minutes.

Finally, the rabbi said,

Beats the hell out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?

With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.
'May I see the new baby?' I asked.
'Not yet,' she said. "I'll make coffee
and we can visit for a while first.
Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked,
'May I see the new baby now?'
'No, not yet,' She said.
After another few minutes had elapsed,
I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'
'No, not yet,' replied my friend.
Growing very impatient, I asked,
'Well, when can I see the baby?
'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.
'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded.
'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?
'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?!’

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up.

One is a old retiree in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them, “I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion.

He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history.

“Here's your equipment--chair, whip and a gun.

“Who wants to try out first?”

The girl says, “I'll go first."

She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage.

The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her.

About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles.

He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. “I've never seen a display like that in my life.”

He turns to the old retiree and asks, “Can you top that?”

The old retiree says, “No problem, just get that lion out of the cage and let me in.”

Yesterday I was at Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Necco, the Wonder Dog, which weighs 191 lbs. I was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant?

So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is, to load your jacket pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me.

Brian Rudman: Comeuppance for a toxic troll

A cyberbully gets his payback.

An elderly couple, had just learned how to send text messages on their mobile phones.

The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.

One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee.

She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:
"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."

The husband texted back to her: "I'm on the toilet. Please advise."

A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store.

The store clerk called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor.

The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency

Open heart bypass surgery.

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the

Catholic Hospital. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard

Loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was going to

Pay for his treatment.

"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.

He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"

He replied, "No money in the bank."

Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?"

Asked the irritated nun.

He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters!

Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."

George W Bush and Bill Clinton somehow ended up at the same barber shop.

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.

As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Clinton in his chair reached for the aftershave. Clinton was quick to stop him saying, “No thanks, my wife Hillary will smell that and think I’ve been in a whorehouse.”

The second barber turned to Bush and said, “How about you sir?” Bush replied, “Go ahead; my wife doesn’t know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.”

A U. S. Navy destroyer stops four Mexicans in a rowboat inside the 12-mile-limit of California .

The Navy Captain gets on the loud-hailer and shouts, "Ahoy, small craft. Where are you headed?"

One of the Mexicans puts down his oar, stands up, and shouts, "We are invading the United States of America ! to reclaim territory taken by the USA during the 1800's."

The entire crew of the destroyer doubles-over in laughter.

When the Captain is finally able to catch his breath, he gets back on the loud-hailer and asks, "Just the four of you?"

The same Mexican stands up again and shouts, "No, we're the last four. The rest are already there!"

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a
stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor
had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him
about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you
been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured
himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in
the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he
dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was
told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay
of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to
go upstairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her
husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN,
DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'

60th High School Class Reunion...

He was a widower and she a widow. They had known each other for a number of years, having been high school classmates and having attended class reunions in the past without fail.

This 60th anniversary of their class, the widower and the widow made a foursome with two other singles. They had a wonderful evening, their spirits high, with the widower throwing admiring glances across the table and the widow smiling coyly back at him.

Finally, during one dance, he picked up courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?” After about 6 seconds of careful consideration, she answered, "Yes, yes I will!"

Needless to say, the evening ended on a happy note for the widower. However, the next morning he was troubled. Did she say “Yes" or did she say ‘No‘? He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. He went over-and-over the conversation of the previous evening, but his mind was blank. He remembered asking the question, but for the life of him could not recall her response.

With fear and trepidation, he picked up the phone and called her. First, he explained that he couldn't remember as well as he used to Then he reviewed the past evening. As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say “Yes" or did you say “No”?

"Why, you silly man." she replied, I said Yes. Yes, I will! And I meant it with all my heart!"

The widower was delighted. He felt his heart skip a beat.

Then she continued. "And I'm so glad you called. I couldn't remember who asked me!"

Vern works hard at the Phone Company but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every
Saturday. His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local Strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Vern! How ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Vern. "He's in my bowling league."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Vern if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Vern, starts to rub herself all over him and says...
"Hi Vern. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Vern's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Vern follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Vern tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book...

The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Vern, you picked up a real bitch this time.'

VERN'S FUNERAL WILL BE HELD THIS COMING FRIDAY.

A little boy goes shopping with his mother and is waiting right outside of the ladies dressing room for his mom to come out.

While waiting, the little boy gets bored and just when his mom comes walking out, she sees her son sliding his hand up a mannequin's skirt.

"Get your hand out of there!" she shouts. "Don't you know that women have teeth down there?"

The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars he didn't get bitten.

For the next ten years, this little boy grows up believing all women have teeth between their legs. When he's 16, he gets a girlfriend.

One night, while her parents are out of town, she invites him over. After an hour of making out and grinding on the sofa, she says, "You know, you could go a little further if you want."

"What do you mean?" he asks.

"Well, why don't you put your hand down there?" she says, pointing to her crotch.

"HELL NO!" he cries, "You've got teeth down here!"

"Don't be ridiculous," she responds, "There's no such thing as teeth*down there!"

"Yes there are," he says, "My mom told me."

"No there aren't," she insists. "Here, look for yourself."

With that, she pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek.

"No I' m sorry" he says. "My mom already told me that ALL women have teeth down there."

"Oh for crying out loud!" she cries. She whips off her panties, throws her legs behind her head and says, "LOOK, I DON'T have any teeth down there."

The boy takes a good long look and replies, "Well, after seeing the condition of those gums, I'm not surprised!"

Hello?'

'Hi, honey.
This is Daddy.
Is Mommy near the phone?'

'No, Daddy.
She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'

After a brief pause, Daddy says;
'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'


'Oh, yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now.'


Brief Pause.


'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.
Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs,
knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy
that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'


'Okay, Daddy, just a minute.'


A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.

'I did it, Daddy.'


'And what happened, honey?'


'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then, she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser
and now she isn't moving at all!'


'Oh, my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'


'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.
He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'


Long Pause


Then Daddy says,

Swimming pool? ...........

Is this 486-5731?'


No, I think you have the wrong number ...

WARNING: "Don't try this at home"!

http://www.liveleak.com/ll_embed?f=bd6b41971375

Paddy was walking along the street during his once-in-a-lifetime visit to New York when he rounds a corner and there's a high rise building on fire.

Paddy, ever the kind-hearted and resourceful Irishman, runs up to the building to see if he can help and notices people trapped five stories up.

Paddy yells to the people, "I'm Paddy Michael Fitzpatrick, an Irish Fire Fighter on holiday. I'm also a Rugby Union fullback! If you jump, I'll catch you!"

One lady, in desperation, jumps and sure enough Paddy catches her.

Then a man sees that Paddy catches the woman and jumps. Sure enough, Paddy catches him as well.

Then OJ Simpson jumps out and crashes to the sidewalk. Paddy didn't even attempt to catch him.

Paddy looks up and yells, "Don't be throwin' down the burnt ones...!!!!"

One dark night in Thief River, Minnesota, a fire started inside the local plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.

When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate.

As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.

From the distance, a lone squeaky siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight... It was the nearby Swedish rural township, volunteer fire company from Nort of Gully composed mainly of Swedes over the age of 65.

To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant.. Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno.

Outside, the other firemen watched as the heroic Swede old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire and fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the Swedish old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas.

The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.

The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief, "What are you going to do with all that money? "Vell," said Oscar Peterson, the 70-year-old fire chief, "Da first ting ve's gonna do is fix da brakes on dat focking truck!"

A Polish blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. So she left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point. The blonde came to the door and the milkman said,
"I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you
mean 2.5 gallons?"

The blonde said, "No, I want 25 gallons.
I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can
look young and beautiful again." The milkman asked, "Do you want it*pasteurized?"

The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits.
I can splash it on my eyes."

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class
that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la Casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is*'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the
class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether 'computer' should be a masculinem or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should
definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal
logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with
other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term
memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find
yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn
them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for
themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but
half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if
you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

Great jokes

Excellent joke

Little Jack (******* scene from Meet The Fockers) - YouTube

Offal!

Little Jack (******* scene from Meet The Fockers) - YouTube

Get a heart!

Another funny joke. Keep it up.

Cyber Harassment-Internet Defamation & Internet Trolls

Two months of cyber harassment by affald.

Cyber Harassment-Internet Defamation & Internet Trolls

Two months of cyber harassment by affald.

5 Ways to Handle and Prevent Cyber-Harassment - ABC News

What’s Illegal and what’s not when it comes to cyber-harassment. | Rise and Stand Inc

A little more information.

Great thread. Funny jokes.

wiredsafety

Another link.