Rules for the Cat
 

The cat is NOT allowed on the furniture.

Alright, the cat can go on the furniture but NOT the kitchen counter.

OK, the cat can go on the kitchen counter but not when I'm preparing food. Deal?

Fine ... The cat can go wherever it wants, whenever it wants, as long as it doesn't swat me in the face at 5:30 in the morning demanding to be fed.

The cat will be fed at 5:30 in the morning.

That is so true. Here it is in a different format:

Dogs have master...cats have staff!

Came across this a few years ago still cannot read without laughing.....

Please enjoy...for a cats slave.

How to pill your cat…………

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for vet to make a house call.

I'm not afraid of cats and I don't, not like them and I'm not one to pick one up to give it a cuddle. Everyone else in my family will and I like that about them.

So why is it that when we are all in a strange house that has cats, the cats are attracted to me?

Cats have an inherent ability to find the one person in the room who either doesn't like cats, is afraid of cats or is allergic to cats. If none of these types of people are present, then they will find the person whose clothing color is the most opposite of their fur and sit on their lap. They can't help it, it's just their nature.

Thank-you
Where can I buy clothes that are the opposite of cat fur? It doesn't seem to be on the Target's or Beale's outlet label. I'll start buying herringbone if that helps.

Do you avoid eye contact with them? Cats do not like to be stared at, so they may regard your avoidance as a friendly gesture.

The answer to your query is to wear tweed.

You'll always be safe.

!

Doesn't matter what YOU wear. They know you don't like cats. Tag, you're it!

Actually, pbk is right --they're less likely to go to you if you make eye contact. It's also possible that cats can smell your aversion. If that's the case, fuhgeddaboutit, you're still it.

thank-you
tom loves cats
he always did
and always will
please spread the word

:1rotfl::1rotfl::1rotfl::1rotfl::1rotfl::1rotfl::1rotfl::1rotfl::1rotfl::1rotfl: Thank you for that.

Some cats will swallow pills. Some cats won't. End of story

"Rrraull here....black and white are IN this season, Bro. Have a seat beside me where I am not allowed on the furniture. I furred up that spot yesterday. Heheh."

"Ps, fashion tip..get a tux. Only half the fur will show."

The cat shares with her toys. Brings them on a regular basis. Don't let that innocent face fool you. She rules.

They are trying to win you over.

Just finished trying to put salve in our cat's eyes a few minutes ago. We actually broke into a sweat! My husband held her and I think I got a smudge in. He wears long sleeves and wraps a towel around her. Have to repeat this again tonight, ugh!

Trick that I found helps. Put cat on top of dryer, then wrap towel around with head out. Cat has no traction so paws are usually trying to stick to surface. Good luck!

I have long sleeve welding gloves and a leather welding jacket, that should provide protection........
Cats Rule!!!

Laundry sink.
Fill to length of cat legs.
Insert cat.
Put salve in eyes.
Now get towel to wrap cat in.
Extract cat and place on floor beside dollop of tuna.
Cat is grateful to be rescued, and happy with the reward.

Somebody try this and let us know if it wotks.
It works for bathing my cat.

thank you for this post. It may be the funniest thing I have read in years.

Chi-Town, one of ours is in the habit of dragging her toys to the water bowl and drowning them. Take that, you fake felt mouse!