Jokes Youi've Made Up
 

Here's a thread for puns, jokes, quotes, humerus funnybone laffers, limerick, stories, that you have created. Original stuff, please.

Here, I'll start it off:

New club of the Villages began meeting this week in the freezing confines at the Savanna center. The Villages Olympic Downhill Skiing team expected to compete in the 2022 Winter Olympics appointed officers and unanimously choose their team motto: "It's all down hill from here!"

The other day, I said, "Damn. I forgot to take my stupid pill."

My wife said, "You don't need it."

I still say that the same Scotsman who created golf and called it fun, created bagpipes and called it music. (My apologies to the bagpipers in The Villages who are a wondeful group)

Nice. Made me think of this:

The other day, I said to my wife, "Damn, I forgot to take my memory pill."
She said, "I'm not your wife."

Good, I need a good laugh after watching the news today. Sorry, I can't thing of anything funny to say right now, but I will be back....

When we were young urbanites, my husband once asked, "Is a moose the same as a deer?" "No," I said, "but they're of the same elk."

Bravo -- well done!

How do Villagers tell a story?




In a roundabout way!

Whoever maintains The Villages GPS app is a cart-ographer. (If they use that, I want my cut.)

Good one!

The World's Worst Hitman.
 

Dog stories. My damnation Dalmatian Ashes liked to go to Virginia Lake in Reno, Nevada for a walk around it. One nice afternoon she got loose and chased a hundred geese and ducks into the lake at the south side of Virginia Lake. I get her still worked up into the car and after a mile or so she starts chasing her tail. Catches it. Bites down. And then the blood begins to flow as she chases her tail. I and the windows are streaked in blood. I am somewhere on W Moana Lane moving towards that large office building hoping that I do not run into a cop but am getting some really astounded looks as I drive my hatchback home. This is through the streaks of blood on the windows. Ashes continues her hunt for her tail. I am getting more and more mortified as I go into areas with a lot more traffic heading towards what in 1981 or so were large retail stores and nearing the Centennial Coliseum. What will people driving by think I did with my pooch Ashes or do I have something else behind the seat and under the seat as the world's worst hitman? I get to Peckham Lane surviving the continued flowing blood and the horrified looks of the people in other cars. I am sure some of these people are going to need therapy because of my journey. East on Peckham Lane to Alder Drive looks possible if I can only avoid running into any police. I am also starting to worry if Ashes has hurt herself but she continues to go at her poor tail. Her tail and I last to the turn off to Alder Drive but I still have to get her past my across the street neighbor who is a Grand Jury Foreman who is also very much in love with Ashes. Fortunately he must be out and about doing jury stuff. Now I just have to get into the house's garage and hide the car. I will have to wash it down so any neighbors like Bob Carroll (a former newscaster in Reno) do not make us appear on the nightly news. I do have quite a lot of explaining to do when I finally get home to my parents. Ashes' tail is little worse for wear after I clean it up.


I had taken on my bicycle a similar journey after ripping my right thumb open on some barbed wire. It was from a fence at the bottom of a hill down a hill near a golf course close to Virginia Lake. I and two of my buddies had taken a similar path home with my right thumb bleeding most of the way. I missed the turn away from the fence at the bottom of the hill. I should have listened to my inner voice before doing something so stupid but 13 year olds often do not take risks into mind. Just push forward with little concern about what might happen.

And I got a tetanus shot as well soon after that.

I’ve just started working for a bicycle wheel making company...

I’m the spokesman.

Friends of mine had their sons Godfather call one day and invited himself down for 11 days. The friend was OK but his girlfriend was a nightmare to be around. After several days, the friend said he loved TV and knew there was a house around the corner from them, he wanted to look at.

My friend said he saw the house, "it was a 2 bedroom, 2 bath and too close".

One time my friends Nick and Debbie and I went to Guy Fieri's for dinner. After a couple of drinks, Debbie looked up and said, "I never knew Nicky, until I met him".


Another time. Debbie was drinking a lot of wine. Someone asked a question and she responded. "what do I know" but it came out as, "what a wino"

You can't make this stuff up folks. :smiley:

If Peter Dinklage was a kindergarten teacher what would he teach?



Short subjects

Real discussion The driver of the airboat had a dog named Lucky following him . I asked him why he called his dog Lucky. He said "Cause that's his name."

The more you weight the harder you are to kidnap. Stay safe, eat cake.

Pick a caption, or add your own...

1. Answers the age old question: Do bears sit in the woods?
2. Beckett's new play: "Waiting For BooBoo."
3. A Kodiak moment
4. New fast food restaurant: 'Barely a pause.'
5. A new Yogi position: Picnicking Bear

Joe told his friends that he’s been sleeping on the couch for a week. Cindy, his wife, wanted him to shop for her and buy something sexy. Joe went to Macy’s and picked out a black bra for his wife and gave it to her. His friends wanted to know what the problem was. “I didn’t read the tag”...hides back fat

https://www.talkofthevillages.com/fo...rely-pause-jpg

They're probably watching me. Well, let them. Let them see what kind of a person I am. I'm not even going to swat that fly. I hope they are watching... they'll see. They'll see and they'll know, and they'll say, "Why, she wouldn't even harm a fly..."

[Sounds like a caption only a psychopath would use.

"Puberty - A hair-razing experience." - SFSkol

Today's New Yorker caption contest.

"That's so the Frankophiles can find him."

(or add your own)

Nice! Much better than mine. I'd relish your entry at:

Cartoon Caption Contest | The New Yorker

https://www.talkofthevillages.com/fo...up-pyramid-jpg

You know I don't like mustard. Take it back.

Where do cucumbers go dancing?

A pickleball.

This week's The New Yorker caption contest.

"Wow, this will be a night I'll never forget."
"So, your profile said you call yourself the man of steel?"
"It's a bit stiff, but it suits you."
"I said I was hoping for a little amour, not armor."
"I've been told I can be a bit defensive."
"It's my night job."

Which should I enter?

https://www.talkofthevillages.com/fo...-up-knight-jpg

"George, I think you're taking this protected sex thing too far."

"A day without laughter; is no joke." -SFSkol

Ski groups
 

[QUOTE=SFSkol;1582474]Here's a thread for puns, jokes, quotes, humerus funnybone laffers, limerick, stories, that you have created. Original stuff, please.

Here, I'll start it off:

New club of the Villages began meeting this week in the ,,,,,

The Ski groups were-divided in to two skill levels. Those who are over 70 will be doing the moguls and those over 80 will do the Deep Powder runs. WE will have free air travel on the first trip to Alta Utah. A generous benefactor has agreed to let us use his open air biplane to get to the slopes. Dr. Lewinsky, an orthopedic surgeon, will available all day during our ski events.

:welcome:

This week's The New Yorker caption contest:

Which should I submit?

"This just in: The Citys' death rate has risen to new heights."
"You trying to scythe us out?"
"So, you're Mr. Grimm from the Psych department?"
"Are we going up or down?"

https://www.talkofthevillages.com/fo...e-up-death-jpg

"Does it matter that my yogurt is past its expiration date?"

Here's a few Casper the Friendly Ghost Halloween jokes for Florida's Friendliest Hometown.

Why does Casper prefer to go go to Katie Bells at Happy Hour on Holloween?
------ Because the drinks have more "Booze" in them.
Why didn't Casper enter the Spanish Springs Halloween race?
------ Because he didn't have a ghost of a chance.
Did you know Casper's family were very religious?
------ They are practicing "Boo-dhists."

:clap2::clap2:

This Week the New Yorker Caption Contest.:

"This is gonna be a hair-raising experience."
"I just re-watched, "There's Something About Mary."

"OK. Climb down my hair!"