Lawyers
 

An attorney was working late one night in his office when, suddenly, Satan appeared before him. The Devil made him an offer. “I will make it so you win every case that you try for the rest of your life. Your clients will worship you, your colleagues will be in awe, and you will make enormous amounts of money. But, in return, you must give me your soul, your wife’s soul, the souls of your children, your parents, grandparents, and those of all the your friends.”

The lawyer thought about it for a moment, then asked, “But what’s the catch?”

Nun
 

A nun was in her office with her window open to a contraction project across the street. The contraction workers were swearing up a storm, and she was wondering if they knew "Jesus".
So when lunch break came, she took her lunch bag, walk across the street, climb up on pile of 2x4's, and ask the workers, "Do any of you know "Jesus"?

One worker said no, then howled up on the upper level, "Hey Pete, do you know "Jesus"?
Pete howlers down "No why?"
The worker said, "I think he's mother is here with his lunch."

What does the Attorney have to lose, they got no soul?

What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?

A doberman!

Some of the best and some of the worst people I have met over my life have been lawyers.

Most lawyers like lawyer jokes though.

World's best (and worst) lawyer jokes - Lawyers Weekly

Some of these are very funny.

What’s the difference between a Lawyer and a catfish? One is a bottom dwelling scum sucker, the other is a fish.

Why are the police lockers locked? You have to love this police officer, who politely schools the lawyer during court!
He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer’s credibility …

Q: ‘€˜Officer — did you see my client fleeing the scene?”

A: ‘€˜No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.”

Q: ‘€˜Officer, who provided this description?”

A: ‘€˜The officer who responded to the scene.”

Q: ‘€˜A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?”

A: ‘€˜Yes, sir. With my life.”

Q: ‘€˜With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?”

A: ‘€˜Yes sir, we do!”

Q: ‘€˜And do you have a locker in the room?”

A: ‘€˜Yes, sir, I do.”

Q: ‘€˜And do you have a lock on your locker?”

A: ‘€˜Yes, sir.”

Q: ‘€˜Now, why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?”

A: ‘€˜You see, sir, we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.”

The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called.

I get the joke, but is a "contraction" project an undertaking to use more apostrophes as in can't, don't, won't etc. Or was it a "construction" project???:1rotfl::1rotfl::1rotfl:

I almost googled "contraction" to find out if it was a new term for construction! :1rotfl::1rotfl::1rotfl:

Lawyer having a casual discussion with a Cop just before a trial and cross-exam.

Lawyer: When you testify later, I could just accept your testimony as the truth.

Cop: Well, I do intend to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

Lawyer: Or, I could bring out my inner powerful self and cross exam you until you can't think straight, you'll say whatever I want you to say. My ego will expand even more and I'll go home and be a stallion with my wife tonight. Think you can top that?

Cop: I don't know, sir. Give me your wife's name and address and I'll try my best.

How can you tell that the dead body in the street was a lawyer?

No skid marks...

Why aren't lawyers ever bitten by sharks?
Professional courtesy.

A businessman needed to estimate the height of a building, so he consulted an engineer, an architect, and a lawyer. The engineer used a surveying level and compass to calculate the height. The architect counted the floors and measured the height of each floor. But, when he went to the lawyer, the lawyer locked the door, closed the blinds, and said, "how high do you want it to be?"

What do you call a pile of 10 dead attorneys at the bottom of the ocean?

A good start.

In an interview with Johnny Cochran , he revealed that he had received a lot of hate mail after OJ verdict , his answer was if your wife , son or you have been charged with a major crime , Who You Going To Call ??? Everyone hates lawyers until you need one

Yep.

One of my longtime friends was a police officer — back in the day when she was among the very first women on the force.

She had been to court on a police matter — and lost. (It was nothing from headlines.)

She later needed a lawyer for a different matter.

When she made the appointment and walked into the lawyer’s office, he was stunned. (Actually, she was rather gorgeous, but that was not the reason.)

He said, “You want to hire ME?!”

To which she replied, “Absolutely. You kicked my ass in court.”

She won that one.

Boomer (This post does not indicate that I am cutting OJ any slack whatsoever.)

That's a good one - Golfing with the Eagles. I see that you are better with the English language than you are with economic stimulus solutions. And I think the Golfing Eagles means that you idolize the Philadelphia Eagles football players that also play golf. I'm from Philly - you from Philly?

People were drinking in the bar when suddenly a man stood up and yelled “All lawyers are A-Holes!” It got really quiet for a moment and then gradually people started talking and drinking again. Shortly thereafter the man stood up again and yelled “All lawyers are A-Holes! It got quiet again and another man stood up and yelled “I resent that statement!” The first man said “Why, are you a lawyer?” The second man said “no, I’m an A-hole.”

Why do they bury lawyers 12ft down, instead of 6ft, like everyone else?
Because, deep down, they're really good people!

I thought this site today really sucked. I hope none of you ever need a lawyer and if you do, I hope they screw you over royally. No sense of humor about lawyer and religious jokes.

It was sooooo cold out the other day I saw a Lawyer with his hands in his own pockets : )

Fixed it for you...

A lawyer mistakenly receives a double payment from a client, $10,000 instead of $5,000.

What is the ethical question to address here?

Return it to the client? Nope.

The real question is does he tell his partner about it.