Diary of a Snow Shoveler...
 

Diary of a Snow Shoveler
>
> December 8: 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season
> and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window
> watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a
> Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love
> snow!
>
> December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years, felt like a boy again. I did
> both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came
> along
> and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to
> shovel
> again. What a perfect life.
>
> December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a
> disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have
> a
> white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll
> have
> so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again.
> I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our
> neighbor.
>
> December 14: Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped
> to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath
> away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is
> the
> life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again.
> I
> didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll
> certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.
>
> December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer.
> Bought snow tires for the wife's car and two extra shovels. Stocked the
> freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I
> think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.
>
> December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the
> driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an
> hour,
> which I think was very cruel.
>
> December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere.
> Electricity was off for five hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay
> warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her.
> Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. I hate
> it
> when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living
> room.
>
> December 20: Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff
> last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Damn snowplow came by twice.
> Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy
> playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store
> around to see about buying a snow blower, and they're out. Might have
> another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to
> shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.
>
> December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas, because 13 more
> inches
> of the white sh*t fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt 'til
> August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel, and
> then I had to pea. By the time I got undressed, pea'd and dressed
> again,
> I was too tired to shovel! Tried to hire Bob, who has a plow on his
> truck,
> for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the
> a**hole
> is lying.
>
> December 23: Only 2" of snow today, and it warmed up to "0". The wife
> wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What, is she
> nuts!!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did,
> but I think she's lying.
>
> December 24: 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel.
> Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son-of-a-b*tch
> who
> drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat
> him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and
> waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a
> 100
> miles an hour and throws snow all over everywhere I've just been! Tonight
> the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our
> presents,
> but I was too busy watching for the damn snowplow.
>
> December 25: Merry Christmas. !!!! 20 more inches of the
> !=3D@x@!x!x1 slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my
> blood
> boil. God, I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for
> a
> donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have

> a
> bad attitude. I think she's a freakin idiot. If I have to watch "It's a
> Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.
>
> December 26: Still snowed in. Why the h*ll did I ever move here? It was
> all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.
>
> December 27: Temperature dropped to -30, and the pipes froze. Plumber
> came after 14 hours of waiting for him; he only charged me $1,400 to
> replace
> all my pipes.
>
> December 28: Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. The B*TCH is
> driving me crazy!!!!!
>
> December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it
> could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he
> think I am?
>
> December 30: Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver. He is now
> sueing me for a million dollars; not for only the beating I gave him, but
> also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his a**. The wife went
> home to her mother. Another 9" predicted.
>
> December 31: I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.
>
> January 8: Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep
> giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
>