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-   -   The Joke Thread (https://www.talkofthevillages.com/forums/just-fun-109/joke-thread-259747/)

ColdNoMore 03-30-2018 03:51 PM

The Joke Thread
 
It occurred to me, that instead of always needing to start a separate thread to post a joke...maybe a stand-alone thread would work better. :shrug:

So, I guess we'll see if folks find it easier just to post their jokes here...instead of always starting another thread.

I'll go first.


Stewart and his wife Penny celebrating fortieth years together. Their three children,all very successful, all agreed to a Saturday dinner in their honor.

“Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad” gushed son number one Marc, a cardiologist, “Sorry I’m running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know the rules, and didn’t have time to get you a gift.”

“Do not worry son! ” said Stewart, the important thing is that we’re all together today.”

Son number two Jamie, a lawyer, arrived and announced “You and Dad look great Mom”. I just flew in from Chicago between depositions and didn’t have time to shop for you”.

“Do not worry son!,” said Penny. “We’re glad you were able to come.”

Just then the daughter Eliza,a marketing executive, arrived. “Hello and Happy Anniversary! I’m sorry but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing, so I didn’t have time to get you anything.”

After they finished dinner, Stewart said, “There’s something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time.You see, we were very poor. But we worked hard, we were able to send each of you to university. Throughout the years your mother and I knew we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married.”

The three children were bewildered and all said, “You mean we’re bastards?”

“Yes,” said Stewart, “and cheap ones too!”


:D

ColdNoMore 03-30-2018 04:22 PM

I apologize in advance Chi...but I thought this was pretty funny! :D


Mama and Papa Bear are accused of child abuse. Baby Bear is put on the stand to testify and is asked by the judge, “Do you want to live with Papa Bear?”

“No” Baby Bear replies, “he beats me.”

Then the judge asks, “Do you want to live with Mama Bear?”

“No” Baby Bear replies, “she beats me too.”

So the Judge says, “Who do you want to live with then?”

Baby Bear replies, “I want to live with the Chicago Bears, they don’t beat anybody!”

Chi-Town 03-30-2018 10:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ColdNoMore (Post 1528465)
I apologize in advance Chi...but I thought this was pretty funny! :D


Mama and Papa Bear are accused of child abuse. Baby Bear is put on the stand to testify and is asked by the judge, “Do you want to live with Papa Bear?”

“No” Baby Bear replies, “he beats me.”

Then the judge asks, “Do you want to live with Mama Bear?”

“No” Baby Bear replies, “she beats me too.”

So the Judge says, “Who do you want to live with then?”

Baby Bear replies, “I want to live with the Chicago Bears, they don’t beat anybody!”

No offense taken[emoji83] . Back to to the Cubs 14 th inning.

Sent from my SM-T310 using Tapatalk

ColdNoMore 03-31-2018 10:06 AM

A little lame...but still funny (to me).
 
A pair of chickens walks up to the circulation desk at a public library and say, “Buk Buk BUK.” The librarian decides that the chickens desire three books, and gives it to them…and the chickens leave shortly thereafter.

Around midday, the two chickens return to the circulation desk quite vexed and say, “Buk Buk BuKKOOK!” The librarian decides that the chickens desire another three books and gives it to them. The chickens leave as before.

The two chickens return to the library in the early afternoon, approach the librarian, looking very annoyed and say, “Buk Buk Buk Buk Bukkooook!” The librarian is now a little suspicious of these chickens. She gives them what they request, and decides to follow them.

She followed them out of the library, out of the town, and to a park. At this point, she hid behind a tree, not wanting to be seen. She saw the two chickens throwing the books at a frog in a pond, to which the frog was saying, “Rrredit Rrredit Rrredit…!”

ColdNoMore 03-31-2018 10:42 PM

A foursome was on the last hole and when the last golfer drove off the tee, he hooked into a cow pasture. He advised his friends to play through and he would meet them at the clubhouse. They followed the plan and waited for their friend. After a considerable time, he appeared disheveled, bloody and badly beaten up. They all wanted to know what happened.

He explained that he went over to the cow pasture but could not find his ball. He noticed a cow wringing her tail in obvious pain. He went over and lifted her tail and saw a golf ball solidly embedded. It was a yellow ball so he knew it was not his.

A woman comes out of the bushes apparently searching for her lost golf ball. The helpful male golfer lifted the cow’s tail and asked, “Does this look like yours!?”

Taltarzac725 04-01-2018 04:12 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ColdNoMore (Post 1528891)
A foursome was on the last hole and when the last golfer drove off the tee, he hooked into a cow pasture. He advised his friends to play through and he would meet them at the clubhouse. They followed the plan and waited for their friend. After a considerable time, he appeared disheveled, bloody and badly beaten up. They all wanted to know what happened.

He explained that he went over to the cow pasture but could not find his ball. He noticed a cow wringing her tail in obvious pain. He went over and lifted her tail and saw a golf ball solidly embedded. It was a yellow ball so he knew it was not his.

A woman comes out of the bushes apparently searching for her lost golf ball. The helpful male golfer lifted the cow’s tail and asked, “Does this look like yours!?”

That has got to hurt.

ColdNoMore 04-01-2018 08:13 AM

Six old retired guys are sat playing poker at Gary’s house one night when Rocco loses 600 bucks on a single hand. At the shock of this he clutches his chest and then drops dead from a heart attack.

Tony asks, “Who’s going to go and tell the situation to his wife?”

None of them want this horrible job so they finally decide to cut the pack, and lowest card loses and has to go tell her.

Ronald draws a three and loses so he’s the one who has to go and break the bad news. The others tell him to be discreet and gentle so as not to make a bad situation even worse.

Ronald says, “Discreet? I’m the most discreet person you’ll ever meet – discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me, not a problem.”

He drives over to Rocco’s house and knocks on the door. Rocco’s wife answers and asks Ronald what he wants.

Ronald replies, “I’m sorry to have to tell you this but your husband just lost 600 bucks playing cards and is afraid to come home. He’s asked me to come over here and apologize to you.”

Rocco’s wife goes crazy and screams, ” You tell him I said drop dead!”

Ronald doesn’t bat an eyelid and says, “Ok, I’ll go tell him.”

BK001 04-02-2018 02:33 PM

On Easter Sunday I saw a driver on Morse Boulevard texting and driving.
It made me so mad I threw my beer at him. :D

ColdNoMore 04-02-2018 04:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BK001 (Post 1529390)
On Easter Sunday I saw a driver on Morse Boulevard texting and driving.

It made me so mad I threw my beer at him.
:D

:1rotfl:

Millerw1946 04-02-2018 09:09 PM

A very protective farmer had three teenage daughters who had never been allowed to date. The three daughters were really bugging the farmer until he finally gave in. He allowed them to date on one condition, that their date had to come to the door and the farmer would greet them and approve of their choice. And so it happened. Coincidently, all three daughters had a date on the same night. The first guy shows up and knocks on the door. The farmer grabs his shotgun and goes to the door. "Hi, I'm Joe, I'm here for Flo, we're going to the show, is she ready to go?". The farmer looks him over figure he's ok and lets her go. He returns inside until anther knock at the door. He grabs his shotgun and approaches the door. "Hi, I'm Eddy, I'm here for Betty, we're going for some spaghetti, is she ready?". The farmer looks him over and figure he's ok and lets her go. He returns inside until anther knock at the door. He grabs his shotgun and approaches the door. "Hi, I'm Chuck." The farmer shot him.


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