Older sib is executor. When time comes...how do you know it was handled well
 

My father is in his mid 90's. My older sib sister is "executor of estate". In our generation this was given to the eldest regardless of whether they could handle the task.

When mom passed my sib was granted "executor" but handled it badly. My sister didn't care about family memoribilia, antique family photos, childhood pics of family. My children and myself were left out and my sister kept jewelry for herself and her daughter than sent pic of what was left for me.

She had first access and actually told mom's friends to go into mom's house to take out what they wanted without consulting me. The house was cleaned out and I was sent pics of the few items left.

She gave mom's car away to a "friend" of mom's that only showed up 6 months before when mom had 4 stage cancer diagnosis.

Is there anyway to help when dad passes with a much larger estate. It's hard after all these years that my sister would do this.. please be respectful in your comments. Thank you so much.

I am the oldest with medical higher education. My German father upbringing would only choose younger brother, drop out with bankruptcy past, because he is male.

The week before my father passed away he admitted it was a mistake. Asked me to make sure mom would be taken care of. I informed him that couldn’t happen, I had no legal right to make medical or physical changes because he named executor to my brother.

My mom in need of long term care, there was $$$$$$ to carry her through for 15 years at the best facility. However my brother has been filtering off money from the accounts since the week after dad died. I hired elder care attorney, but wheels take long time. At last account $700,000 has disappeared to my brother bank accounts.( yes have copies all signed checks, withdraws, mortgage payments, his services $900 month for lawn/snow care) He doesn’t have a clue I have online access to all bank accounts, to acquire transactions, but no legal right to stop him, and mom is at the far end of dementia, with no knowledge who anyone is.
Sorry you may hire an attorney, but so far @ $10,000 attorneys fees, the money still disappears, every month, while my moms favorite spends her money.

If your dad is of sound mind, you can add an addendum (also known as a codicil) to a will to add another executor. A codicil is a legal document that modifies an existing will without replacing it entirely. It's a way to make minor changes, like adding or changing beneficiaries, gifts, or in this case, adding another executor.

If you have a POA, you can sign this document.

It's a tough situation, and one that sometimes you just have to accept. A friend's family lost all their inheritance to a second wife, when the trust/wills weren't updated to reflect the second marriage. Parent's mistake. .

I am the executor of both my parents' estate, and I have siblings who think only they are qualified, though they don't have the education nor the experience nor the willingness to do the job required.

Sometimes you just have to accept that your parents were first timers here on earth, and they didn't have the experience nor the foresight to see the situation ahead of time. When we tried to tell my dad he was wrong about the health care proxy, He responded with "Its are all taken care of, its are locked in the safe" He tried to apologize in his own way when at the hospital, and they asked for the document, he said they were home in the safe. . .

So both your parent's are human and are far from perfect, and as they get older, they have less clarity and understanding of their situations, or past actions. . many times less likely to accept they were wrong. .

I have no words of encouragement to rectify the situation, but realize that sometimes, family is over rated. . .

My mom told us years before she had her first stroke that she wanted us to take what we wanted while the parents were still alive. Stake our claim, make it known to each other.

Sister knew that I wanted grandma's wedding ring, and mom's engagement ring. I didn't really care about the rest of the jewelry, but we agreed that she'd take the pieces she liked best, and we'd split whatever we got by selling off anything of value (gold, platinum, diamonds, etc). I told her she could put the rest of the jewelry up in auction or at a tag sale and keep the proceeds, as payment toward her executor fee.

Mom passed a little less than 2 years ago. Sister didn't want to deal with the walk-in closet filled with clothing. I told her pick the pieces she wanted to keep for herself, to wear. I picked a few shirts I liked. Then I put EVERYTHING ELSE in boxes, and drove it all back up to The Villages and donated it all to Haven, anonymously. No receipt, no tax deduction needed. There was a fur coat in there, a bunch of silk clothing, a formal gown from the 1950's...and around 100 pounds of other random shirts, blouses, polyester pull-on slacks, and so on.

Now that dad is in his final year(s) as well, we're slowly removing bits and pieces from the house. I took all the soft-cover novels and a big bag of packages of decorative napkins and plates. Those will go on tables next time our neighborhood has a tag sale. I've taken a few pieces of lead crystal - Waterford and what not. I took all the old coins.

The goal here is to take anything we cherish while they're still alive, and anything we personally value immediately after they're gone.

A reason to take it while they're alive (other than reducing risk of losing to auction or debt collector if you have to deal with probate): you can visit with your parent. Show them the item in question. Have a conversation. Reminisce about the last time you saw them with it, or how they acquired it - the trip they took to Japan when they brought back the kimono. The wooden box they inherited from their own father, which HIS father brought with him to the USA, when they moved here after WWI from Germany. You can help connect with your loved one, while taking possession of the things THEY valued. This is priceless. It doesn't pay the bills, but it's still priceless.

God that sucks….. I’m sorry… my wife’s sister ending up being the executor for her father’s passing who is on drugs. No money has been seen and everything is still in "probate” but not nearly as much money as what you are going through. Gosh what is wrong with people?!?

Do you live close to your parents and sister? If so, communicate calmly what items you would like. Perhaps, she will give them to you before your father dies? Wouldn't this bring comfort to your father? He would be over the moon knowing you have the items to pass on to future generations.

If you live out of state, you should accept what has been done. It is easy to judge from afar. Or, get on a plane, and help with the daily care that is needed. If you fail to do this, I understand why your sister would leave you in the cold. Being a caregiver is extremely difficult. Your refusal or inability to help pierces wounds in her heart that may never heal. Sorry for being harsh. But, you can not expect someone to bend over backwards for you with nothing in return. If she is the only care giver, she is exhausted. Most likely, she needs a break. IF this is your situation, help the family now, or accept the loss. IMO, if you live out of state, there are no in-betweens.

Other than get lawyer.

What happens when greed takes over. I blame the parents, first and last always gets babied and spoiled. Lucky for Me this wasn’t problem born dirt poor raised by my dirt poor grandparents.

My understanding is that the executor has a fiduciary responsibility , a very high standard that carries criminal as well as civil liabilities for failure to protect and act in the best interest of any beneficiaries, it would follow as a beneficiary you have the right to see all the documentation of their actions. Pointing out those responsibilities to the executor could make them more thoughtful of their actions .

I was the Trustee of my parent's Living Trust. As the Trustee, I followed my parents wishes about distribution of assets and consulted with my siblings about the items they may have wanted. They received a full accounting of how the money was distributed. Since this is a Will, does the Executor Sibling of your Dad's will need to go through the court system. Is this a place where you can contest distribution of goods and funds? An attorney can answer this for you. If your Dad is still legally competent, maybe he can make changes if he understands the situation. It will be ugly, but you have to decide what's best for this situation. Best wishes on a no-win situation.

[QUOTE=CoachKandSportsguy;2445121]It's a tough situation, and one that sometimes you just have to accept. A friend's family lost all their inheritance to a second wife, when the trust/wills weren't updated to reflect the second marriage. Parent's mistake. .

I am the executor of both my parents' estate, and I have siblings who think only they are qualified, though they don't have the education nor the experience nor the willingness to do the job required.

Sometimes you just have to accept that your parents were first timers here on earth, and they didn't have the experience nor the foresight to see the situation ahead of time. When we tried to tell my dad he was wrong about the health care proxy, He responded with "Its are all taken care of, its are locked in the safe" He tried to apologize in his own way when at the hospital, and they asked for the document, he said they were home in the safe. . .

So both your parent's are human and are far from perfect, and as they get older, they have less clarity and understanding of their situations, or past actions. . many times less likely to accept they were wrong. .

I have no words of encouragement to rectify the situation, but realize that sometimes, family is over rated. . That biblical phrase "money is the root of all evil" applies here.

We each have trusts and each of us are co-trustees of our individual trusts with our two children following. In our distribution section everything is spelled out as what goes to whom as far as any belongings of value. The financial distribution is spelled out clearly and we have had a meeting with everyone so they all know what they will get and what happens when we are gone. They also know that no one can use any of our assets as collateral for loans, etc. We discussed at our meeting the possibility of being taken advantage of if demential sets in and discussed ways to safeguard that at the earliest signs. At around 80 we have now distributed most of what we have that we no longer use or see no future need for and all seem to be happy with that so there will be no arguing over who get's what. Next year we will begin financial distributions and that will continue as long as we live or when we get to the point of having only enough left to cover extended home health care and/or living expenses. So, unless we end up with in-laws that turned into outlaws all should go very well.

I would try to get a change of executor before he passes. My sister put off settling my mother’s small estate 2 years after her death and then wanted to give all assets to a great niece. I was the bad guy to insist her wishes were honored. All is ok between us and learned later she was suffering from depression.

I've witnessed families being torn apart by unfair will actions. Such a shame. Hope things work out better with your dad's estate.

“You can never truly know somebody until you have to share an inheritance with them.”

That’s what a friend of mine told me after she had gone through a lot of family dynamics and drama over an inheritance.

I guess that happens a lot more often than it doesn’t.

(Correctly using beneficiaries on accounts should help to avoid problems for heirs. Might not avoid hard feelings but should get accounts where intended, immediately. I think that is correct, but I am not a lawyer.)

Boomer