St. Patrick's Day...
 

Patrick O'Leary showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. O'Leary had never been seen in church in his adult life. After Mass, the priest caught O'Leary and said, "Mr. O'Leary, I am so glad you decided to come to Mass. What made you come?"

O'Leary said, "I've got to be honest with you, Father. A while back, I misplaced me cap. I really, really love that cap. I knew that Donald Shaunessy had one just like mine, and I knew that Shaunessy came to church every Sunday. I also knew that Shaunessy had to take off his cap during Mass, and I figured he would leave it in the back of the church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal Shaunessy's cap."

The priest said, "Well, Mr. O'Leary, I notice that you didn't steal Mr. Shaunessy's cap. What changed your mind?"

O'Leary said "Well, after I heard your sermon on the Ten Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal Shaunessy's cap."

The priest gave O'Leary a big smile and said, "Ah, after I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal,' you decided you would rather do without your cap than burn in Hell, right?"

O'Leary shook his head and said, "No, Father. After you talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,' I remembered where I left me cap."

:beer3:

Here's a toast to the early birds..
Voted Best joke in Ireland 2008


John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"


That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night.


He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."


She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"


John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."


"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.


The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.


The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."


She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."