Last trip to Publix ...
 

Yesterday I was at one of The Villages' (an area north of Orlando full of retirees) Publix supermarkets (our large food chain in Florida) buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Owen, the Wonder Dog. I was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant?

So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again.

I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete (certified), so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I had stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Publix won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

Forward this (especially) to all your retired friends. It will be their laugh for the day (before they head off to Publix, that is)!

Good one, very good one!

Heard this one several times but still funny.

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Seen this before too and have never had an experience like this at a Publix. My bet though is that they would welcome more people with stories like this at Publix as long as you have 10 or fewer items and are in the right line if you do not. Of course, there is the time telling the story which might anger some of the less patient customers.

Since we are talking about checkout line tomfoolery........When the person who bags (the forum software censored the word "b a g g e r s") asks me if plastic is OK, I always tell them that it doesn't matter because I am bisacksual.

Old joke. Been around for years.