| TooColdNJ |
06-24-2020 01:17 PM |
Love
The heck with chicken—I’m sure you’ve gotten enough answers and recipes— a variety that’ll last you for years to come. I want you to know that after reading your post, exactly how your small, loving gesture touched me, even though I don’t personally know either of you. I’ve seen first hand how difficult it is for someone to care for a spouse with dementia.
I write this because, according to my mom, my father didn’t even know how to put his coffee cup in the dishwasher! Married for 70 years, a miracle in itself to me, it was a traditional marriage— mom... the mom, and dad as in “just wait until your father gets home!” Mom was the backbone of the family, keeping the family together. Along with all of her other “traditional” wifely duties, she was the brains of the small retail business they worked in together for years. Me, a child of the 1960s and 70s, had a hard time with those traditional roles. When my first marriage ended— my decision— my mother gave me a book called the Total Woman. To this day, I even recall the author, Marabell Morgan. I should fact check that to see how good my own memory really is. I guess she was trying to help. I didn’t think so at all! There is more to a marriage than making sure the lipstick was on and we looked our best. Hmm...
Fast forward to when they were in their mid 80s when my mom had a 5 bypass surgery, resulting in bypass psychosis—her dementia was mild in the beginning, but that was the beginning of the role reversal that I never thought my father could handle.
Over the next year or two, I watched my mom deteriorate and my father gain the strength that I never saw from this man. The care that he provided was simply amazing and, to me, something that I never expected from the man who, for their entire marriage, couldn’t put any effort into the little things that he probably considered a woman’s job. He provided well for her and our family; she took care of us, as moms do, and together they had a wonderful life. Her illness taught me how strong the bonds of love really are.
As those traditional roles reversed— Dad became the strength as Mom became mentally weaker. He was 100% committed to her, taking on every responsibility of her care and her personal needs in ways I couldn’t believe. When she needed more care than the doctor felt he could give her at home, he fought to keep her home, but he sadly acquiesced. Even he realized it himself- being her caretaker was an incredibly difficult responsibility.
Just chicken salad shows me how strong your love has been and will always be—a time when some would have difficulty, unable to demonstrate true and unconditional love.
You, sir, are a wonderful human being who I see will do whatever it takes to care for your wife and the changes you’re facing now and will continue to as time goes on. It’s something that not everyone has the ability to do. In time, although she may be unable to express what she feels in the right words we all like to hear, I hope you know that it will always be there in her heart.
Such a little thing like your chicken salad post very emotionally brought me back to a period of time that I might have learned a few things about love that I should put into practice. What you and my dad reminded me of is that in in the larger scheme of things there are so many more important things in life than a dirty coffee cup. Someday, many of us will wish to hear those little criticisms again, so in the present we should all just let them go and think about you and my dad—how lucky you (are) to have such love In your lives. Your wife is a lucky woman to have you by her side.
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