July Chuckles

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  #1  
Old 07-10-2007, 09:21 PM
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Default July Chuckles

Spaghetti

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child . If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
His wife said, "Honey, you received a very strange postcard today."
"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it," he said.

The wife handed him the card and watched as her husband read the card, he turned white and collapsed.

On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without! Requesting bread...
  #2  
Old 07-11-2007, 06:17 PM
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Default Re: July Chuckles

How Much Would You Give?

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam going into downtown Chicago . Nothing is
moving north or south. Suddenly a man knocks on his window.

The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What happened, what's the hold
up?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped Hillary Clinton, Rosie O'Donnell, Jesse Jackson,
and Al Sharpton. They are asking for a $10 million ransom. Otherwise, they
are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. We are going
from car to car, taking up a collection."

The driver asks, "On average, how much is everyone giving?"

"About a gallon."
  #3  
Old 07-12-2007, 08:29 PM
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Default Re: July Chuckles

With age comes wisdom!

A guy is 75 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up."

He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again,
"Pick me up." He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, "Are you talking to me?"

The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up. Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you
have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because you will have me as your bride."

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.

Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride."

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."
  #4  
Old 07-12-2007, 08:40 PM
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Default Re: July Chuckles

No end to blonde jokes...

The pharmacist walks into the store to find a guy leaning heavily
against a wall. He asks the blonde clerk "What's with that guy over
there by the wall?"

The blonde clerk responds: "Well, he came in here this morning to get
something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him
an entire bottle of laxative."

The pharmacist yells: "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a
laxative!"

The blonde clerk responds, "Of course you can! Look at him, he's
afraid to cough.
  #5  
Old 07-14-2007, 03:28 PM
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Default Re: July Chuckles

If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the
character who once said: "I woke up one morning and all of
my stuff had been stolen... and replaced by exact duplicates!"
His mind tends to see things a bit differently than the rest of us
mortals.

Here are some of his gems:

1. I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2. Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
3. Half the people you know are below average.
4. 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8. If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
9. All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11. I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.
12. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13. How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
something.
15. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18. Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
19. I intend to live forever; so far, so good.
20. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23. My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn
louder."
24. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
25. Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
26. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28. The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is
research.
30. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32. The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
34. If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
  #6  
Old 07-15-2007, 10:01 AM
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Default Re: July Chuckles

Mystery one

A man was found murdered Sunday morning. His wife immediately called
the police. The police questioned the wife and staff and got these
answers:

The wife said she was sleeping.
The cook was preparing breakfast.
The gardener was gathering vegetables.
The maid was getting the mail.
The butler was polishing shoes in the pantry.

The police instantly arrested the murderer. Who did it and how did
they know?

---------------------------------------------------------------------- --

Mystery two

A man walks into his bathroom and shoots himself right between the
eyes using a real gun with real bullets. He walks out alive, with no
blood anywhere and no, he didn't miss and he wasn't Superman or any
other crusader wearing a cape.

How did he do this?

------------------------------------------------------------------------


Mystery three

Old Mr. Teddy was found dead in his study by Mr. Fiend.
Mr. Fiend recounted his dismal discovery to the police:

"I was walking by Mr. Teddy's house when I thought I would just pop in
for a visit. I noticed his study light was on and I decided to peek in
from the outside to see if he was in there. There was frost on the
window, so I had to wipe it away to see inside. That is when I saw his
body. So I kicked in the front door to confirm my suspicions of foul
play. I called the police immediately afterward."

The officer immediately arrested Mr. Fiend for the murder of Mr.
Teddy.

How did he know Mr. Fiend was lying?


----------------------------------------------------------------------
Try to figure these questions before looking at the answers below.


ANSWERS:

1. It was the Maid. She said she was getting the mail but there is no
mail delivery on Sunday.

2. He shot his reflection in the bathroom mirror.

3. Frost forms inside of the window, not the outside. So Mr. Fiend
could not have wiped it off to discover Mr. Teddy's body.


Did you get them right? Be honest!
  #7  
Old 07-15-2007, 06:15 PM
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Default Re: July Chuckles

Wishful Thinking

One night, after a couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware
that her? husband??? was touching her in a most unusual manner.
He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her
back

He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly.

Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand
over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist.

He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other.

His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs.

His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and
the returned to do the same to her right thigh.

By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to
better position herself.

The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.

"Why are you stopping darling?" she whispered.

He whispered back, "I found the remote."
  #8  
Old 07-15-2007, 06:21 PM
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Default Re: July Chuckles

Life at the THE VILLAGES (from the Mallory Square Social Lite's website)

A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in The Villages, a retirement community . A man walked over and sits down on the other end of the bench. After a few moments, the woman asks, "Are you a stranger here?" He replies, "I lived here years ago." "So, where were you all these years?" "In prison," he says. "Why did they put you in prison?" He looked at her, and very quietly said, "I killed my wife." "Oh!" said the woman. "So you're single..."
  #9  
Old 07-16-2007, 07:19 PM
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Default Re: July Chuckles

THE LAWS OF LIFE

Law of Economics
The amount needed for the present emergency is always in direct proportion to
the amount you had saved for a vacation.

Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.

Law of the Workshop
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Probability
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of the Telephone
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Law of the Alibi
If you tell the bos s you were late for work because you had a flat tire,
the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law
If you change lines (o r traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster
than the one you are in now (works every time).

Law of the Bath
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically
when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Law of the Theater
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

Law of Coffee
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do
something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Rugs/Carpets
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor
covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Location
No matter where you go, there you are.

Law of Logical Argument
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

Brown's Law
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Oliver's Law
A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson 's Law
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
(this one is true every time!)

Doctors' Law
If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you
get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.


  #10  
Old 07-16-2007, 10:31 PM
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Default Re: July Chuckles

So nice to see some humor here - Thank you for some great smiles and chuckles, and a few guffaws!

Now here are some more - which may be appropriate for SOME residents, although I realize that MOST of us a young (at heart, at least!):

================================================== ==========================

LOST IN THE DARNDEST PLACES:

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her
car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation
to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake
pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.

The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."

A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She
got in the back seat by mistake."

================================================== =======================

FAMILY

Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night
the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells
to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She
starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?"

The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening
to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get
that forgetful, knock on wood ."

She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

================================================== =======================

"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!" (An old one - maybe they ALL are, and I have just forgotten that I had heard them!)

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine
March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"

"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."

And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."

================================================== =======================

LITTLE LADY:

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.
As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say
"Supersex."

She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at
him, she said, "Supersex."

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered,
"I'll take the soup."

================================================== =======================

OLD FRIENDS:

Now this one is just too Precious...LOL !

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years,
they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their
activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't
get mad at me .. I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't
think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it.
Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared
and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

================================================== =======================

SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I
just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on
Interstate 77 - So please be careful!"

"Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

================================================== =======================

DRIVING

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely
see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an
intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it.
I
could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more
minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again.
Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was
almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that
she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection,
sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned
to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran
through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, crap, am I driving ?"


Hope you enjoyed these as much as I did yours!
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  #11  
Old 07-18-2007, 05:25 PM
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KenMac, Thanks for adding to this collection. I leave the serious stuff to other intellects. I've been surprised that no one else, except JohnZ has posted any jokes here. Everyone's sense of humor is different and you always run the risk of offending someone--unintentionally of course. Happy that you enjoyed a few laughs here. Please continue to post jokes as you find them. -George

Mensa is an organization whose members have an IQ of 140
or higher. A few years ago, there was a Mensa Convention
in San Francisco, and several members lunched at a local cafe.

While dining, they discovered that their saltshaker con-
tained pepper and their pepper shaker was full of salt.
How could they swap the contents of the bottles without
spilling, and using only the implements at hand? Clearly
this was a job for Mensa! The group debated and presented
ideas, and finally came up with a brilliant solution in-
volving a napkin, a straw, and an empty saucer. They
called the waitress over to dazzle her with their solution.

"Ma'am," they said, "we couldn't help but notice that the
pepper shaker contains salt and the salt shaker..."

"Oh," the waitress interrupted. "Sorry about that." She
unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched them.
  #12  
Old 07-18-2007, 07:36 PM
KenMac KenMac is offline
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OK - But for others who may be reading this reply, take note that it is rated PG-13 ( you may substitute any words you like where you find a word that offends you.. or just stop reading now). (This one may a little PUNny.)

================================================== ============

______________________________

Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.

================================================== =========================

John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several
hundred young layers (hens), called "pullets," and ten roosters, whose
job it was to fertilize the eggs (for you city folks).

The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into
the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he
bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell
had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster
was performing.

Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply
by listening to the bells.
The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, and a very fine specimen he
was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell
hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate. The other roosters were
chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters
coming, would run for cover.

But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so
it couldn't ring. He would sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on
to the next one.

John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County
Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result...The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece
Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: Who else but a
politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted
awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace
and screwing them when they weren't paying attention!

================================================== =========

Luckily, there are no old people in TV, so no one should take exception to the following:





WHEN YOU GET OLD

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?
_________________________________
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.
She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
_______________ ________________
The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.
__________________________________________________ ________
I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees fought prostate cancer and diabetes; I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends but, thank God, I still have my driver's license.
_______________________________
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. By the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
_______________________________
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll b e sure my daughters visit me twice a week "
__________________________________________________ __________
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my
memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
_______________________________
Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
_______________________________
It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.
______________________________
These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."

________________________________
THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
__________________________________________________ ____________
Now, I think you're supposed to share this with 5 or 6, maybe 10 others. Oh heck, give it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are!

And FINALLY!!



A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the
counter and says,

"Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare checks. I'd really rather
have a job."

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent.
We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur
and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive
around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes.

Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected
to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her
sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage.

The starting salary is $90,000 a year."

The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're 'BS-ing' me!"

The Social Worker says, "Yeah, well... You started it."



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  #13  
Old 07-19-2007, 09:23 AM
KenMac KenMac is offline
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**** Will I make it to 80 years of age? *****
====================================

I recently turned 65 and had to choose a new primary care
physician for my Medicare program.

After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said:

Youre doing fairly well for your age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking
him, "Do you think I will live to be 80?"

He asked: Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?"

"Oh no, I replied. "I don't do drugs, either."



"Do you have many friends and entertain frequently?"

"I said, "No, I usually stay home and keep to myself".

"Do you eat T-bone steaks and barbecued ribs?"

I said, "No, my other doctor said that all red meat is unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf,
sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"

"No, I don't," I said.

"Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"

"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."

He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a #$%@?







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  #14  
Old 07-20-2007, 09:04 AM
iaudit iaudit is offline
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Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living
room and I said to her, "I never want to live in a
vegetative state, dependent on some machine and
fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull
the plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out my beer.
  #15  
Old 07-21-2007, 11:15 AM
bogeygolfer bogeygolfer is offline
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A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance", says the husband. It is 3 o'clock in the morning. He slams the door and returns to bed.


"Who was that?" asked his wife.


"Just some drunk guy asking for a push!" "Did you help him?" \she asks.

"No. I did not. It is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring rain outside!"

His wife said, "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? You should be ashamed of yourself."

The man gets dressed and goes out into the pouring rain.He calls out into the dark, "Hello. Are you still there?" "Yes", comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband. "Yes, Please" comes the reply from the darkness.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing" replies the drunk. :joke:

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