[REDCART]

Subject: When Insults had class

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
-- Winston Churchill

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about."
-- Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with
great pleasure."
-- Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to
the dictionary."
-- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big
words?"
-- Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time
reading it."
-- Moses Hadas

"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I
know."
-- Abraham Lincoln

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
-- Groucho Marx

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I
approved of it."
-- Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."
-- Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring
a friend.... if you have one."
-- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there
is one."
-- Winston Churchill, in response

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you
here."
-- Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."
-- John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing
trivial."
-- Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in
others."
-- Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
-- Paul Keating

"He had delusions of adequacy."
-- Walter Kerr

"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure."
-- Jack E. Leonard

"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt."
-- Robert Redford

"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of
human knowledge."
-- Thomas Brackett Reed

"He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears,
but by diligent hard work, he overcame them."
-- James Reston (about Richard Nixon)

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."
-- Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
-- Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address
on it?"
-- Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
-- Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
-- Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support
rather than illumination."
-- Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
-- Billy Wilder

[tony]

Why is it I can't remember any of these when I need them most? :

[REDCART]

Tony, here's a few more quips when the time is right!

Cynicism & Insults

1. I don't know what your problem is, but I bet it's hard to pronounce.
2. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
3. Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand.
4. When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you.
5. My idea of an agreeable person is a person who agrees with me.
6. All things being equal, you lose.
7. If you're feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it.
8. I can only please one person each day. Today is not your day.
Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
9. Smile... Tomorrow will be worse.
10. It's been lovely, but I have to scream now.
11. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of
me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just
leave me alone.
12. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a
warning to others.
13. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their
shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and
you have their shoes.
14. Thank you for not annoying me more than you do.
15. Everyone is entitled to my opinion.
16. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
17. This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your land.
18. If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody
will.
19. A cynic is someone who knows the price of everything and the value
of nothing.
20. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
21. I need not suffer in silence when I can still moan, whimper, and
complain.
22. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
23. Those of you who think you know everything are very annoying to
those of us who do.
24. Having control over myself is nearly as good as having control
over others.
25. I'm extraordinarily patient, provided I get my own way in the end.
26. I'd like to help you out; which way did you come in?
27. How can I miss you if you won't go away?
28. I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. This wasn't it.
29. From the moment I picked your book up to the moment I set it
down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend to read it.
30. I don't care who you are, what you drive, or where you'd rather be.
31. I'm not cynical. I'm just experienced.
32. I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
33. I can't complain, but sometimes I still do.
34. Don't hate yourself in the morning. Sleep till noon.
35. It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail in the process.
36. You may pretend to dislike me, but deep down, you know you hate me.
37. Well aren't you a waste of two billion years of evolution.
38. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
39. Well this day was a total waste of make-up.
40. Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.
41. Do they ever shut up on your planet?
42. I'm not your type; I'm not inflatable.
43. Well aren't we a bloody ray of sunshine.
44. Don't worry. I forgot your name too.
45. Aww, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?
46. You look like ****. Is that in style now?
47. Wait... I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
48. I don't have an attitude problem, it's supposed to be this way.
49. It's not that I'm antisocial, I'm just not friendly.
50. Nothing is quite so annoying as to have someone go right on
talking when you're interrupting.
51. I'm sorry, do I resemble your therapist?
52. I think someone has to be listening to you for it to be an actual
conversation.
53. I don't care where you go, as long as you get lost.
54. It is just you.
55. I heard you, and so what if the world's ending at noon today, I
can't chat with
56. you until tomorrow. I don't have an attitude; I have a personality
you can't handle.
57. I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.
58. You laugh because I'm different; I laugh because you're all the same.
59. If I throw a stick, will you go away?
60. I didn't know regurgitated spam could talk.
61. If brains were dynamite you wouldn't have enough to blow your nose."
62. If idiots could fly this place would be an airport.
63. A mind is a terrible thing to waste; I'm glad they didn't waste
one on you.
64. Next time you get the urge to think...don't.
65. I'm not antisocial. I just don't like people.
66. Would you kindly shut your noise hole.
67. You have no idea how acutely depressing it is to realize we're
from the same species.
68. "Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit" as said by those incapable of
its proper application and as such suffer from it a lot.
69. It's not that I wish any harm to the guy, I'm just saying I could
happily sit by while someone knocks his head off.
70. It's people like you who make the Internet all but impossible to
trust.
71. Next time you wave, use all your fingers.
72. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
73. Well, I was nearly killed three times, fell off a bridge and broke
my jaw. How was your day?
74. On your way down the banister of life, may your ass collect tons
of splinters.
75. Are you renting the space in your head? It could be profitable.
76. I'm sorry.. Am I poking holes in your self-esteem bucket?
77. Why don't you slip into something more comfortable...like a coma.
78. If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
79. I wonder what life would have been like if you had had enough
oxygen at birth.
80. Whatever it is that's eating you, it must be suffering horribly.