Originally Posted by MandoMan
(Post 2225408)
My ex-wife was looking specifically for a member of her less-well-known religious denomination. E-Harmony let people list their denomination and search for it, and she found a new husband that way. This was about 13 years ago. The catch was that she had a great job in Pennsylvania and couldn’t move. He lived in Georgia or something. That’s a long trip for that first date, especially as they believed in no sex until marriage. But they’ve been very happy. I attribute that to who they are, rather than to the dating site, but in any case, that worked.
I used Match. (I also tried OKCupid, which I liked, though I got no dates from there.) I put effort into writing an honest profile that wasn’t a string of clichés and using honest photos. Actually, I’m shy, so I mostly went out with women who wrote to me after they saw I looked at their ad or liked it. That worked out pretty well. I dated a professor for four months, a lawyer for three years, and a banker for eight years. This always meant spending weekends together at their house and a 90 minute drive each way.
Socially and economically right, which you ask about, is very important, no matter what your own is. Online dating calls for constant vigilance—yes, for safety, but also for scam artists, both male and female, and even for the people who are not social and economic matches. At our age, every month is precious, and we don’t want to waste a year or two with wrong people. We may not marry, but we want to be happy. (A friend her in her mid-seventies went on Match and was soon contacted by a man with a nice house on the beach. They talked happily on the phone for a week and looked forward to meeting. Then she found out the distance wasn’t a problem for him because he expected her to sell her house and move in with him in about four months. Without even meeting!)
When I first went on Match, as a college professor with a Ph.D,., I refused to meet women without graduate degrees and excellent jobs. I figured we would have more in common. There was no one like that in my age bracket within an hour of me. That was a problem. Here in The Villages, most people I know don’t know what I did before I retired, and I don’t know what they did. We live here, do the same activities, like some of the same things, and that’s enough. I guess you could say that I’m less snobbish. But I only dated women who actually live in The Villages, just a few minutes away from me.
I would never consider a site like Tinder because the idea of being judged and found wanting in two seconds on the basis of a photo is revolting. I’m no longer on Match, but I’m sort of an expert. I want to see a well-written profile without clichés. No references to little black dresses or walks hand in hand along the beach or bottles of wine or loving to travel when you don’t even have a passport. Don’t say you love art if you really mean crafts and you don’t go to art museums and know what you are looking at. Don’t say you are athletic if that was thirty years ago. Don’t say you are fit if you aren’t. (I’m not.) Don’t say you love to read if you don’t do it. Don’t say you love all sorts of music unless you really do. Save us both time: if you are a liberal or a moderate Democrat or Republican or right wing, say so. One night a woman threw a martini in my face at a country club bar because of a political disagreement at a first meeting. But I also wouldn’t date someone “woke”. I like moderate.
If you write a good profile, I may find something appealing in what you write. If you write nothing, I’ll probably skip you. Take the time to read my profile and you may be repelled or enchanted. In any case, you would have quite a bit on which to base a judgment.
You can learn a bit from a good profile about the social and economic background of a potential date. You can learn where they went to school, what they did for a living, if they have kids, if they are outgoing and have lots of friends (I’m not and I don’t). You can also learn from the photos. For me, if a woman posts photos of herself with tattoos or a motorcycle or a gun or a MAGA hat, she won’t hear from me. (Nothing against the guns, but not in a photo—it’s in there to send a message, and message received.) But if a woman posts photos of herself at expensive ski resorts, that’s also probably a no for me, because I don’t ski. Likewise with the sailboat shots. Not only do I not sail, but I can’t afford to ski and sail, even though I’m pretty well off. Another red flag is photos that aren’t relatively current. (More than one woman here has thirty year old photos on Match.) Watch out for photo apps that leave your face line free. That is generally obvious, and not many are fooled by it. That said, some lighting is more diffuse and hides wrinkles, while direct sun accentuates wrinkles. Have your photos taken in the shade. Take off the sun glasses and the hats. (Don’t use selfies taken with a wide angle lens. Have a friend take photos from six feet away, when crop them. The blurriness will help hide the wrinkles.)
I think a lot of us imagine ourselves looking much younger than we are. Also, when we move to The Villages, often we don’t have much experience with people our own age or older and aren’t used to how people that age really look. It really does take some getting used to. One problem with Match is that we often judge people by photos without getting to know them. If we actually spend time together, hours, or several dates, and talking on the phone, and stuff like that, we often look beyond the ravages of time and see the special person, the beauty between the lines. (Now, if you go to City Fire, you may find that having a few drinks is like a soft-focus filter. People may look better through the bottom of the glass. That’s one approach, though not for me. I’d rather get acquainted.)
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