always reply with please hold on.
The police are just getting here about the murder.

Then place the phone down a few seconds and yell out "oh my g-d please don't shoot".
Then hang up.
seems to work for me.

since we moved in our landline has been used as a fax line, if you do business with us you have one of our cell phone numbers. it is fun to see how long these callers last with a fax tone in their ears!!

I had a guy who said he was from India from Microsoft call me and told a severe problem with my computer was detected. I'm like how bad is it ? He said very bad. It's a terrible virus. I said okay I'll get it fixed. He said he could help me and fix it. I said that's okay, I'll call my computer guy. He's saying wait, wait. Ha ha :D

I know I'm probably going to get flamed for this, because it's a bit mean-spirited, but it was hilarious at the time.

I witnessed a great exchange about 20 years ago between a telemarketer and a couple we know; Bob and Susan. We were at their home for dinner one evening when, while we were eating, an unsolicited call came in. Since the caller interrupted our dinner, Bob and Susan decided to interrupt his evening.

Bob left the table to answer the phone. As soon as he realized was a telemarketer, he switched on the speakerphone and said, “Oh. This is fantastic. We just won the lottery (they didn't) and we have a lot of money to spend. This sounds great. Tell me more.” The telemarketer then proceeded to explain the wonders of the timeshare or the get-rich scheme he was selling. Bob interrupted him saying, “Slow down please. I want to write this all down so I get all the details.” This kept the telemarketer on for a few more minutes. Then my friend said, “We have a lot of money now. Can we buy more than one?” The telemarketer, at this point giddy with excitement, then launched into more of the wonders of whatever he was selling. Finally, after about 5 minutes of this, Bob said, “This it too fantastic. Let me get my wife on the phone to hear this.”

I think most telemarketers have to make a minimum number of calls for every hour they work. The philosophy, I think is... The more calls, the more sales.

Placing the phone down we all waited nearly a minute, then Susan picked up the phone and said, “We were wondering what we could do with our winnings. What is it that my husband thinks is so wonderful.” At this point the poor telemarketer begins his prepared speech all over again.

This continued for another few minutes. Susan frequently would say things like, “Oh this sounds good,” or “Tell me again. I'm excited.” Then she interrupted the caller with, “Did you tell my husband that? Let me get him to the phone.”

Bob took the phone and asked, “What did you just tell my wife?” The caller then repeated his last point. “You know. This all sounds too good to be true. I'm all in favor of buying several of these from you, but I never make big decisions without my wife. Let me get her back on the phone.”

By now probably 15 minutes had elapsed since the call came in. Bob handed the phone to Susan, who said, “Start at the beginning and tell me everything you told my husband.” At that point there was a 'click,' followed a few seconds later by a dial tone. Susan turned to us and said, “Gee. He hung up.”