[REDCART]

TELCO Troubleshooting 101

A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady.

He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.

4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

This demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by ****ing and moaning.

Just thought you'd like to know.

[REDCART]

SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE:
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.

OLD IS WHEN:
1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today.
4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!

GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER:
1. Sag, you're It.
2. Hide and go pee.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Musical recliners.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy

THOUGHTS FOR A SLOW WEEK:
1. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctr Alt Delete' and start all over?
2. Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
3. If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!
4. Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

BUT MOST OF ALL, REMEMBER:
A Good Friend Is Like A Good Bra: Hard to Find, Supportive, and Comfortable!

[REDCART]

I THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS . . .

A guy goes to the supermarket where a beautiful blond woman waves to him and says hello.

He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her.

So.... he says, "Do you Know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids".

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and he says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"

She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's math teacher."

[JohnZ]

We always hear “the rules” from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules:
Please note… these are all numbered “1″ ON PURPOSE!

1. Breasts are for looking at and that is why we do it. Don’t try to change that.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Saturday = sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:

Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
JUST SAY IT!
1. ‘Yes’ and ‘No’ are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days

1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done, not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine, Really

1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as:

Sex,
Sport,
Cars,
or Computers
1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don’t mind that, it’s like camping.

[REDCART]

The Broken Mower

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me
that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to
take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf - always something
more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived
home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away
with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time
and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came
out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting
the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

Moral of this story: Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is the husband—inspite of JohnZ’s rules above…

[REDCART]

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Monte Casino
went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the
panel in the confessional, the man said, "Father, during World War II, a
beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the
enemy. So I hid her in my attic.

"The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son!
And you have no need to confess that."

"It's worse than that, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors."

The priest said, "By doing that, you were both in great danger.
However, two people under those circumstances can be very tempted to act that
way. But if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. But I do have
one more question."

"And what is that?" asked the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?"

[JohnZ]

A little girl and her mother were out and about. The girl, out of the blue, asked her mother, "Mommy, How old are you?"

The mother responded, "Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older.

The girl then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"

Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this, too, as you grow up."

The girl, still wanting to know about her mother, then fired off another question, "Mommy, why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, "Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now."

The little girl, frustrated, sulks until she is dropped off at a friend's house to play. She consults with her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation. The girlfriend says, "All you have to do is sneak and look at your mother's driver's license. It's just a like a report card from school. It tells you everything."

Later, the little girl and her mother are out and about again. The little girl starts off with, "Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are. You're 32 years old."

The mother is very shocked. She asks, "Sweetheart, how do you know what?"

The little girl shrugs and says, "I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 130 pounds."

"Where did you learn that?"

The little girl says, "I just know. And I know why you and daddy got a divorce.

You got an "F" in sex."

[REDCART]

[color=navy]A Boy, A Man, and a Donkey

An old man, a boy & a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey & the old man walked. As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking & the boy was riding.

The man & boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.
Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk."

They then decided they both would walk! Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey.

Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey.

The boy & man said they were probably right, so they decide to carry the donkey. As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal & he fell into the river and drowned.

The moral of the story?

If you try to please everyone, you might as well...
Kiss your ass goodbye.

[REDCART]

Vanilla Pudding Robbery

Excerpted from an article which appeared in the Dublin Times
about a bank robbery on March 2.

Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at
disabling the security system got underway immediately. The
robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with
cash & valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes
throughout the bank.

The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they
found only a small bowl of vanilla pudding.

As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one robber said,
"At least we'll have a bit to eat."

The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing
but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all safes were opened.

They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold.
Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding.

Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with
nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach. The
newspaper headline read:

IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING...

[REDCART]

Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd
been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the
house and asked her, "Grandma, what's that called when two people
Sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?"

She was a little taken aback, but she decided to just tell him the truth.
"It's called sexual intercourse, darling."

Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK," and went back outside to play with
the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it
isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's Mom
wants to talk to you."

[REDCART]

Four married guys go fishing.

After an hour, the following conversation took place:

First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I would paint every room in the house next weekend."

Second guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I would build her a new deck for the pool."

Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I would remodel the kitchen for her." They continue to fish.

When they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word, they asked him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?"

Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a slap on her butt and said: "Fishing or Sex?" she said: "Wear sun-block."

[REDCART]

The Ring!

An older, white-haired gentleman came into a jewelry store one Friday evening, with a beautiful young woman at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a very special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler unlocked a display case and showed them a lovely ring with a $5,000 price tag. The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something truly special." The jeweler paused a moment, then opened a vault, and brought out another ring. "Now that is exquisite," said the gentleman. The jeweler leaned toward him and said in a low voice, "$40,000". The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man smiled and said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made, and the white-haired man said, "By check. And of course I understand that you'll need to make sure the check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank first thing Monday to verify the funds. I'll pick up the ring Monday afternoon."

Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account," he said angrily. "I know," said the old man, "but let me tell you about my weekend!"

[REDCART]

MATH 1950 TO 2007

Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for
$1.58. The counter girl took my $2 and I was digging
for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and
gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel
and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her
register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell
her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the
manager for help. While he tried to explain the
transaction to her, she stood there and cried.

Why do I tell you this?

---------------------------------

Because of the evolution in teaching math since the
1950s:

---------------------------------

1. Teaching Math In 1950

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His
cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his
profit?

---------------------------------

2. Teaching Math In 1960

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His
cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What
is his profit?

---------------------------------

3. Teaching Math In 1970

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His
cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?

---------------------------------

4. Teaching Math In 1980

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His
cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your
assignment:Underline the number 20.

---------------------------------

5. Teaching Math In 1990

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is
selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the
habitat of animals or the preservation of our
woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of$20.
What do you think of this way of making a living?
Topic for class participation after answering the
question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as
the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong
answers )

---------------------------------

6. Teaching Math In 2007

Un hachero vende una carretada de madera por $100.
El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha
hecho?

[REDCART]

DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!

Wanda 's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to
go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under
the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check."

"Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog Spike. He won't bother you. But,
whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I
REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda 's apartment the following day, he
discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he had ever seen. But, just
as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman
go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant
yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain
himself any longer and yelled,

"Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

See, men just don't listen!

[JohnZ]

Speaking of parrots or...ahhh....parrots speaking.....here's a good one.

A man bought a parrot from a pet store. The man didn't know it, but this parrot uses swear words all day long! He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. The problem is that the man who bought him is a quiet, conservative man, and the bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.
One day, the man got very angry at the parrot, so he grabbed the bird by the throat, shook him really hard, and yelled, "STOP IT !"

But that just made the bird mad and he swore more than ever.

So the man got angrier and said, "FINE! Swear all you want!" and he put the bird in the closet.

Now the parrot was really angry, so when the man let him out of the closet, he scratched him and bit him. He also swore a long string of swear words.

At that point, the guy got so mad that he threw the bird into the freezer!

For the first few seconds, there were terrible noises coming from the freezer. The bird kicked and clawed and swore. Then suddenly, it got very very quiet....

At first, the guy just waited, but then he started to think that the bird may be hurt or dying. So, after a couple of minutes of silence, he was so worried that he opened the freezer door.

The bird quietly climbed out of the freezer onto the man's arm and said: "I'm very sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on." The parrot was shaking because he was scared.

The man was astounded. He couldn't understand the transformation that came over the parrot.

Then with a shaking voice, the parrot said, "May I ask one question sir? What did the chicken do?"