Hubby and I have discussed. Our children are scattered over US.

When one of us passes, we would stay here. If he passes, I would downsize to courtyard villa, easier to maintain.

We both have made so many friends that have become family.....like my screen name says.....we are blessed to be in TV.

Stay in TV
 

I would remain in The Villages as long as I can live independently. I like the fact that you could live here without being able to drive or get a Driver’s License. I could access almost everything I need without a car or a Driver’s License. I would probably move to a home in TV with a smaller yard that requires less maintenance.

Since I am retired and my boyfriend isn't, I end up spending 6 months in TV alone. It's not the same as being widowed, but I chose TV because of how easy it is to make friends, feel part of a community, play pickleball and other sports at any time of the day, go listen to music at night (even dancing as a solo person is perfectly fine here). Even though there was a comment about how badly someone felt seeing people eat alone, please don't, some of us are perfectly happy with one's own company. I've had lots of opportunities to be out with friends and still chose to be alone at times. It's a matter of personality as others have said, but as a single person in TV I get to be active and as social as I choose.

I am in that situation now. My husband passed away this past July, of Covid. We always talked about what we would do if one of us goes, of course he was much older than I, so during this pandemic and now a new normal for me, I am staying put for now. I am from western PA and dont really want to go back there. The problem is I am not 60 yet, so my parents are still living and back in PA. you're right, being a single person here isnt so easy, most of the groups you join want to party and drink every day, I guess I just dont get into that. I am doing okay, I will survive and I have many friends. The problem I DO have is that it is getting waaaaay too crowded here, and that has me maybe contemplating a move to a smaller community. But again, as a single person, the decisions are harder to make because you are the only person to make them. I went off on a little tangent, lol, sorry.

It's easy to think we know what we'd do until the time actually presents itself. That said though, I've thought about this and my thoughts are that I'd stay put. We have our medical people here in place, our church and our friends. Those can all change, of course, but to relocate is hard enough. Think about when y'all came here and had to get re-established. Unless our "kids" wanted to take care of me, which I don't think they'd be crazy about, I'd rather keep myself where I'm most familiar. We can never plan for what our future experiences will be however and what health-issues will occur. So for now, I'm living life one day at a time as tomorrow isn't promised. PLUS....don't want to live with the ice and snow and cold that goes with it, ever again.

Hate to image living life without my spouse. However, I don't think I would move back north. I don't want to live in a large metro area again. For one thing, moving is strenuous and I don't want to deal with it again in my life. For another, I have met and made friends with people here. I do have friends in the city where I'm from but everyone is spread out so far, just visiting is difficult. I keep in touch with them via FB, messenger, emails or phone calls. I can see my friends here by just a walk or in my golf cart or playing golf. We all have old age in common. Our children are all grown and have their own lives. I wouldn't want to impose and make their lives much more difficult. We have a will dividing our possessions among them and they are aware of who gets what. So, God willing, I will stay and deal with the sadness and loneliness. No matter where you are, it's not something you get over, it's just something you get through.

I’ve lived here as a 6 month snowbird with my spouse for 15 years. We enjoyed many activities as a couple. After his passing, many of those activities were not an option for me. Some “friends” included me for a while, others not at all. There are many activities for singles available if you choose to participate. But many of those participating are looking for a partner. In general many aspects of the Villages are geared toward couples e. g. Cart fees, golf or tennis priority membership. I pay as much for my cart fee as a household with 2 or three carts in use simultaneously.

I would move to On TOP OF THE WORLD in Ocala

That's what my dad thought too since he was healthy and had family history of living into the upper nineties. Died at 80 6 yrs ago and mom is still here with all her health problems.

The person who does things by them self may want to be alone. Recent widows and widowers sometimes prefer to be by themselves. Just depends on the person. Grief manifests very differently from person to person. I'm curious about your comment that TV does not offer the same lifestyle for singles. What do you mean by that?

We finally retired and moved here permanently in May after owning our house for 4 years. This is something we will need to talk about. My first thought is that either of us would stay when the other dies.

We had a neighbor here whose wife died about 10 years. He had remained very happy here after she died. He told us numerous times that he would stay and die here instead of moving back to Indiana. He wanted to stay here because his wife had died here and he felt her presence. His family was always after him to move back. He went home for Thanksgiving last year and ended up being alone most of the time while his family seemingly ignored him (we learned this from a neighbor who had talked to him while he was there). They were also pressuring him to stay there and not return to Florida. The poor man had a heart attack while he was there and died a few weeks later. I truly believe he died from the stress he was under. It’s so sad that he wasn’t able to be in his Florida home (where he had lived for 22 years) when he died. This is where he wanted to be.

My wife and I bought here while she was still with me but knowing she had limited time on earth. We were seasonal all those years. After she passed I moved here full time and never regretted my decision. Being a widowed person is difficult even with all of your friends. But after experiencing being the "odd" person in the group I joined several of the many singles groups. My enjoyment of life went straight up from there. The singles groups here in TV go places, do things and enjoy life. They do everything that couples do. They trevel, they play golf, pickle ball, pool volleyball, dance. I mean everything.

what a sweet post

That is interesting, what attracts you to TOTW in Ocala vs TV?

I would keep the house and rent it out. Then I would buy a truck camper and go back out west and travel. Or a single hand sailboat and cruise to Alaska.

Not to make major changes for a year following widowhood (or any other major change) is an excellent guideline. We once went to a house sale where the man had become a widower three weeks earlier; the problem was that the house was his wife's (second marriage), and her children wanted it sold and done. He spoke in positive terms (he was a minister). but one could see he was so at odds with what was happening....

Excellent point! I enjoy my own company and love our home. We've discussed this and have agreed that this is home, and theoretically we've both decided that we would remain here when the other dies. I say 'theoretically,' as when one of us finds oneself in this situation, who knows what can happen.

We had friends who lived in a beautiful villa in south FL, where they knew the name of the next door neighbor, and decided to move here for the day when 'the two of them' would become 'one of them.' She died suddenly, and his children encouraged him to sign onto a local singles site. He met a lovely woman and had a warm relationship; however, he too died suddenly. We moved here as they had introduced us to TV. It's ironic that we're here—and they've both died.

We have another friend from south FL who, when what was to be her only grandchild was born, with the agreement of the parents she took a studio apartment where they lived and made herself available for babysitting, shopping, cooking, and whatever the needs were. As soon as the child started school, she gave up the studio and returned to FL full time, with the realization that the parents are both working and the grandchild is not only in school but is into structured after-school activities, playdates, you name it. I have scattered children and grandchildren up north, and I cannot see living with any of them where I would be alone most of the time and enduring winters (which are the main reason I'm living in FL). My spouse agrees, but as I say, when the time comes, who knows?...

We have a good friend who is facing this decision. He is in another southern state in a retirement community where he is actively involved.

He has been widowed for a few years. He is reaching an age where he is realizing it is time to acknowledge what could be coming with health issues. He had a recent scare and has recovered. But it definitely got his attention.

His kids are terrific but they live in the Midwest where it is cold and gray for many months of the year. He is looking into CCRCs (Continuing Care Retirement Communities) where he can go into independent living but will have further care if he needs it.

He is looking near his kids, up north. But he is also looking at Shell Point in Ft. Myers. He visited there and was impressed. You can look them up on medicare.gov to see how their healthcare is rated.

Shell Point is not inexpensive but seems to have a lot to offer, including close proximity to airports where his kids can connect faster than they can now. And, of course, they have the warmer weather and sunshine he loves after living for the past several years in the south.

I just learned about this place and looked through their website which is quite detailed, including pricing.

For those whose kids are scattered everywhere or who live in places that are far colder than what we are used to or for those who do not have children or family, Shell Point might be worth looking into.

All my information on Shell Point is second-hand and from the website. We have not been there. It is a 501(c)(3) which sometimes can mean it is better run than a chain but I don’t know that for sure. I think it might also mean that they do not kick you out if you run out of money -- not sure about that either. Of course, I would think you would have to have a discussion of net worth, income sources, etc. to get in.

I think our friend told us that they want you to come in while you can still live independently. The choices of homes run quite a gamut in pricing.

He is a very close friend and we are happy to see he is planning to make some decisions while he is in a position to make them for himself and can start into a CCRC in independent living.

For those who are looking ahead, it might be worth visiting the website at shellpoint.org and if it looks interesting to you, maybe take a road trip down to Ft, Myers to see what you think.

Does anyone here know anything about Shell Point in Ft. Myers? It sounds like it could offer some solutions and security for aging in place — in sunshine. :) But I don’t really know much about it, yet. It could be his choice so I will be learning more about it soon.

I wish everyone the best.

Boomer

An additional point: We are all unique individuals. We are close with one woman who is so content to be alone, whereas we have another close friend whose spouse died recently and is having a difficult time, especially with the pandemic limiting activites. On the other hand, we have a much older friend who is a recent widow who is holding her own, even though she speaks of missing him tremendously. I knew them well, and they were the kind of marriage one longs for! We are all so different....

We come from a really tiny town up north and bought our present (last!) home from a couple who, it turned out, came from the same tiny town. (It just happened.) They explained to us that they were moving into such a community (that is, independent living at first and then care as needed), as they have no children and didn't want to become an imposition to their nieces and nephews.

Unless one is close to family members elsewhere, where else could you go that has as many activities that The Villages does? I am a snowbird who comes down for 3 months and always finds something to do. Also eat out alone, usually in bar area

You are very kind, but being single doesn’t mean you are lonely and being married doesn’t mean you aren’t.
I go about my day and like going out to eat or movies by myself. If I want company, I invite someone.
Life will be different when you lose someone, no matter where you live. You will find good things in life whether you are single or married.

I've stayed. My children want me to move in with their family back home. I'm only 66, was 61 when my husband passed. Friends walk away, they are afraid you'll go after their husbands or want 4 to do things like play cards with. You have to make new friends, but with all the activities here it's worth staying. Widows don't go after widowers, that's an urban myth. Most widowers I've seen eat alone because they want too, all it takes is to ask if they could join a single woman eating alone, but they don't make the effort. Another urban myth is that all widows want or need a man to make ends meet so will go after a widower. That is the exception, not the rule. Most widows take years of grieving before they are ready to move forward and even consider dating. Many widows aren't interested in marriage again, just going out and doing things with female or male friends here in the Villages. It's hard now with covid, but we'll be able to go out and do activities again in the rec centers sometime hopefully soon. If any of you are concerned about your widowed friends, just invite them out or over for dinner, all we really need is some good friends.
As far as moving in with my either of my sons families, I tell them to ask me again when I'm 80. I love that they both want me, but I'm still enjoying my life here even though now it's alone.
You can live a good, active and happy life here as a widow, but you have to get out there and participate. It may feel like it's the end of the world when your spouse dies, but it's just the beginning of a different life, it's up to you to live it.

Life as a widow
 

This topic describes my life-lonely. My husband died after we moved here about 5 years ago. None of our couple friends ever invite me out to eat with them hence I never go to restaurants. Eating alone is the pits. Forget the squares etc. it's assumed that I should find other widows but that doesn't mean we'll be friends. I do my best to stay busy but usually alone. Living near my kids isn't an option. Singles clubs are event based with no lasting interactions. The saddest part is not being included with the people I was closest to. No, the villages isn't the friendliest place for widows. Thanks for giving me the opportunity to vent.

My husband passed, I sold our home, left,?and now I’m back. Wish I’d kept our home.

Really some strange posts here. We have several single men and women in the neighborhood and they are always included on many levels. I can't comprehend the insecurity that some have that they believe their husbands would leave them and that widows are after them....especially at this time in life. We have two that became widows in the last 8 months and we treat them the same as when their spouses were here. If anything were to happen like some mention, remember, it takes two.

Very interesting. Always thought that a widower was in the catbird seat but do understand taking time to get over your grief when you lose your partner

Here I am, quoting myself -- which I know is an excruciatingly tacky thing to do.

But I just wanted to follow up what I wrote this morning by providing a link to the website for Shell Point. (I did not do that earlier because I was on my iPad and even after all these years, I have never learned to link on my iPad. (blush) Now I am on my laptop.)

Anyway, here's the site. I will warn you though that you could end up spending hours going through it. See if you can find the part that is their Press Room -- kind of interesting.

Here's the link:

Shell Point Retirement Community | Luxury Southwest Florida Retirement Community

Sorry for your loss and courage to post here. Keeping reaching out to your friends and may God bless you as you walk a new path. Be well!

I lost my husband in 2013. He was 71 and I was 67. I listened to everything my lawyer and everyone else that said not to make any major decisions for at the least a year or two. Well, I didn’t. I found it very difficult to maintain my home, yard, and everything else once I lost his SS. I had great friends and neighbors but after 3 years I sold my home and everything in it and moved out. I went to live in VA with my daughter. It was great to have people to cook for and socialize with again. The issues I had were that the development they lived in outside of DC is that people get up before dawn and go to work and come after dark. No people my age. It wasn’t working so, I came back to the villages. I bought a small patio villa. My friends that I had before I left welcomed me back with open arms. Now the issue I have is they all still have their partners to do things with. I’m one of those women you see eating alone in the restaurants. I have to admit that I am lonely. I did get a part time job to keep me busy but was furloughed due to COVID. Sorry this is so long, but I find that we all have to do whatever it is that makes us happy. I am happy living here instead of the cold north, I guess I need to get more involved and join some clubs.

Mrs. Parnell-
Thank you for sharing and I hope you find happiness here in The Villages...

P.S.------Dog spelled backwards spells God...

There are many good dogs in the local animal shelters
that would love to become your friend...

I am not a widower but I have 2 observations. All of the items you say may be true to different levels. But keep in mind, the same issue would be experienced back home.

If your from the north you have another negative. Remember you didn't move here because you wanted more snow, ice, and cold.

We are currently snowflakes, spending 4-5 months in TV and the rest in Kansas City. If my bride of 53 years passes first I am fairly certain she would stay full time in Missouri near our three kids and our grandkids. If she were to pre decease me, I would likely sell out in Missouri and move full time to TV. I would continue to spend time with the kids and grandkids and they all have large houses with room for me when I visit. I play a lot of golf and am pretty social while dear wife doesn’t golf and is less gregarious than I. Hopefully that choice does not face either of us for many years to come, but one never knows.

I don’t want to live in Ct!!! I dont want to burden daughter but who knows!! Not my home state - and MA too expensive... I guess I’ll stay here till a decision would need to be made.

Hope so too ! Could not agree with you more about how the nasty attitude permeated in what seemed like such a short time. "They" always say "you never know the true nature of a person until the worst of times". Can you imagine if the majority of the retired military men and women living here had acted/interacted with their comrades in arms during war times as "some" people are treating their once friends and neighbors here in TV's ? Wonder how such diverse people, culture, religion, politics, and socioeconomic status ever joined together and openly supported and encouraged and SHARED what they had with each other like my parents always told me about the "war years" ? I now wonder why that did NOT tear the nation apart and set neighbor against neighbor.... after all, my mother told me that at times it was very difficult to get such life sustaining items as ingredients to make formula for infants, a simple cup of morning coffee, some sugar you hoped for to make a cake for a birthday or some cookies for the holidays. Had to take your wagon (meaning my radio flyer) to the store, had a car but could not get rubber/tires. The person(s) with wagons ALWAYS asked the neighbors if they needed items as the thinking back then, was "why should everyone have to walk through the snow in 12 degree weather"...... Now I think of how people act here, and I wonder, would we make it through WW III when we can't even cope with "The Virus" ? Now, before it all starts with the gross comments, MANY people have NOT allowed this to change their caring, their personalities, or their basic human decency.... but the "trend" is a kind of icy every man for himself feeling and many seem to have noticed. Hope it's faded soon, maybe the election being over will help too ?
:pray::bigbow:

To tell the truth, there are actually three certainties: Death, taxes and change. We can't really do anything much about the first two, but we can greet change as opportunity, even in our grief and frustration. There WILL be laughter in your life again...

This is an interesting thread to read. My reasoning for considering moving into TV is that 1) we will get our downsizing done now while we have the energy/ability to do it ourselves 2) we will choose a fairly low maintenance yard so that we will have more time for fun activities and travel 3) we will enjoy time together as a couple but we will also each find an activity or two to do individually based on our own interests 4) we will get the lay of the land and our doctors/dentist, etc established while we are clear thinking and healthy. Hopefully, we'll have things in place well before a health emergency crops up.

Health problems and the loss of a spouse are not going to be easy no matter where you live. But I would think that it would be doubly hard to go through a crisis when you are in a regular suburban neighborhood with mostly young families around you. It's not that the neighbors don't care, they just are in a very different stage of life than a retired couple is. I'm not a big fan of the idea of moving in with my adult children even though I think that they are amazingly wonderful people. They need to focus on work, their own spouses/homes and raising their own children without worrying about me and their dad. So, for me, part of the plan would be to stay put in TV, in our paid off home no matter what life brings our way. Or at least that is the theory I have of how it will be. I know that reality has a way of changing plans.

Each situation is different. I know a woman widowed three times in 35 years who soon found a new husband after each one passed. She is plain in appearance but pleasant intelligent company. Another one in her early 70s within a short period of time married a guy she had worked with for years after her husband of 40+ years suddenly and unexpectedly passed away. Others live out their lives as singles. People handle grief differently. I have observed widowers and widows marrying people they had known in childhood or throughout their marriages. IMHO a late in life marriage within someone you have known well over time is a good thing.

Also I believe one's age, health, outlook on life and family situation can be determinative factors.

Quite a few years ago my in-laws lived in Oak Run 55 + Ocala. They told us once a spouse passed the widow/widower became like a 5th wheel and were never invited out with those friends who were their friends as couples. It all came down to the same thing the widow/widower was assumed to be a wife or husband thief.

I’ve told my wife when I go to put a sign on the front door the says “only single digit handicaps need knock on this door”. 😀😀

Interesting topic. I have thought about this subject a lot and even did some research. Almost 18 years in TV and, in spite of it being a "community with the illusion of gates," I had felt safer here than anywhere else I have lived. Thanks to ptsd and agoraphobia, I don't do well with crowd situations, etc. and try to keep my life simple and quiet. If it was to happen that my DH goes first and leaves me behind, I would not want to live here alone in a house that would be too difficult to maintain by myself. Also, too expensive between the bonds, taxes, amenities fees, etc for a 'lifestyle' I don't use and surely don't get my money's worth. I would have zero interest in dating or becoming a nurse or purse for anyone else. I would most likely look into a CCRC/independent living situation so I know I'll be taken care of when needed. I will never leave Florida as it has the best Veterans benefits of all the neighboring states. I would be sure to live near a VAMC and also closer to a military base. I have been researching CCRCs near Jacksonville. Hopefully this won't happen for a long time as I am not yet 65. But if it does, I want to be prepared. I would wait at least a year but then I'm outta here. Moving is not an option until then.
The other factor that has been mentioned here is going to live with kids. I never had children, but even if I did, I would never subject them to having to take care of me in my old age, the way my elderly parents did to me. 2020 has been tough on many people, but for me it's a piece of cake compared to 2017-2019. I had no life, couldn't travel. Caregiving is all encompassing and stressful in the best of circumstances and a full time job. Dealing with toxic family members on top of that stress was exhausting and ruined my health, both physical and mental. So the past few years have not been 'fun' the way retirement should be.
I have enjoyed all 3 of my homes here but not overly attached to any of them. I won't miss the crowds, traffic, or roundabouts. I would definitely miss having my own pool though.
Sorry for rambling - guess I got a little sidetracked. Everyone's circumstances are different and unique. Many residents here have a carefree retirement and TV is party central. I'm happy for them. However, many others struggle with various issues, whether financial, illness, disability, relatives, and so on.
Ain't nothing easy about aging! Best of luck!