Two major quotes that have guided me through life:


"No problem is so big or so complicated that it can't be run away from!"

Linus (Peanuts)

"I've developed a new philosophy...I only dread one day at a time."

Charlie Brown

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

WC Fields a lifetime Athiest was sitting on his porch reading The Bible when one of his neighbors strolled by and asked him why in the World would he ever be reading the Bible? His response; "looking for loopholes"

"I thought I was right once, but I was wrong once again."

- Most Husbands

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial - it went like this:
Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.

Q. Officer, who provided this description?
A. The officer who responded to the scene.

Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A. Yes sir, with my life.

Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer - do you have a locker room in the police station - a room where you change your clothes in preparation for you daily duties?
A. Yes sir, we do.

Q. And do you have a locker in that room?
A. Yes sir, I do.

Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?
A. Yes sir.

Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?
A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
"Are you a lawyer?"
"Yes."
"How much do you charge?"
"A hundred dollars for four questions. "
"Isn't that awfully expensive? "
"Yes. What's your fourth question?"
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand.
"If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
COURT REPORTING These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place:
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

And my favorite one:
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law so

I cook with wine, sometimes I even put it in the food. W.C. Fields

When asked which super bowl victory is his favorite, Tom Brady smiles and says, the next one.

The sun never sets on the british empire
 

patrick henry's ultimatum to britannia 👑 . " give me liberty,
or
give me death"

"There goes the neighborhood"

Inscription on Rodney Dangerfield's tombstone.

Rodney Dangerfield at the doctor's office-

Rodney - "Doc, I feel terrible, do you want me to remove my clothes so you can examine me?"

Doc - "What, you want me to get sick too!?"

The Truth About the Meaning of Doc Holliday's Line I'm Your Huckleberry

Not actually a funny line but quite memorable.

Two wrongs don’t make a right, but three lefts do.
—National Lampoon
The fox is not sly, he just can not think any slower.
—Bart Maverick

Yul Bruner; “Just don’t smoke” “what ever you do “just don’t smoke”. “ don’t smoke” IMO the best advice ever!

Wikipedia

Prior to his death, with the assistance of the American Cancer Society, Brynner created a public service announcement using a clip from the Good Morning America interview. A few days after his death, it premiered on all major US television networks and in other countries. Brynner used the announcement to express his desire to make an anti-smoking commercial after discovering he had cancer, and that his death was imminent. He then looked directly into the camera for 30 seconds and said, "Now that I'm gone, I tell you: Don't smoke. Whatever you do, just don't smoke. If I could take back that smoking, we wouldn't be talking about any cancer. I'm convinced of that." His year of birth, in one version of the commercial, was incorrectly given as 1915.[55]

you're going to need a bigger boat......
JAWS~

Quotes
 

“He chose poorly.”

This line is spoken by the Grail Knight, played by Robert Eddison, in the film Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, directed by Steven Spielberg (1989).

And his next line: "You chose.....wisely" spoken to Indiana