Wish in one hand and s**t in the other, then see which one fills up fastest.

Finer than a frog hair split 4 ways.

If brains were dynamite he wouldn't be able to blow his nose.

...My friends in Texas use your " all hat and no cattle " quite often...

..........In my old 'hood.....We always used....." all flash and no cash "

He's like a fart in a gale.

On that note...he's like a fart in a cane seated chair!

Before dinner when we would say...I'm hungry. My mom would say...look in the mirror and get fed up!

During dinner if we didn't eat mom would say ...eat it or wear it! Nice huh?

My dear Auntie Cass had so many here are just a few...

As I am someday you'll be!
In response to us asking why she never remarried after my Uncle Bill passed away...all men want is a nurse or a purse!
And at family gatherings...wherever you may be let your wind blow free!

If he/she had half of a brain, his/her head would be tilted.

As funny as a fart in a spacesuit.

BTW - I forgot to mention, one per customer.

Cheer up. Things could be worse.

Pull yourself up by the bootstraps.

Put a sock in it.

Kis my grits.

I may have been born at night, but I wasn't born last night.

Really appreciate this post! Love knowing the background of these great old expressions:)

My Father's work sayings
 

Do the job right the first time and you won't have to do it again.
To do the job right you need the right tools.
Do the job right or don't do it at all.

(Needless to say, I was expected to learn to do things properly. He was a great father.)

Measure twice, cut once.

A penny saved is a penny earned.

Use your head for something other than a hatrack.

If it ain't broke don't fix it.

Why buy the cow when the milk's free.

I'll see you in the spring if I don't see you in the mattress.

If it feels good, do it.

Where there's smoke, there's fire.

it's cold enough to freeze the balls off a pool table

she can talk the ears off a wooden indian

she needs some fries to go with that shake

i think he's one fry short of a happy meal

the engines runnin but nobody's driving

He's as nervous as a pork butcher at a bar matzvah.

She's sweating like a whore in church.

What a paper *******.

May the sun shine on your face and the wind be at your back as my Italian mother use to say:D

He's as nervous as a at with a long tail in a room full of rocking chairs (George Gobel)

Don't eat yellow snow!

You better straighten out and fly right.

You can't push a string

So poor they don't have a pot to pi$$ in nor a window to throw it out.

If his brain was put in a matchbox, it would roll around like a BB in a Box Car.

You want your head handed to you on a platter?

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Let's burn that bridge when we get to it.

Slower than molasses in January.

The old man like this one when we were going somewhere. "Don't act like you were just shot out of a cannon."

"If we had ham we'd have ham and eggs-If we had eggs."
From the time of the Great depresssion.(1929ish)