A sweet grandmother Telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number of the patient?"

The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."

The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room."

After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, "I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her Physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."

The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good News."

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"

The grandmother said,"No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me anything."

Ole & Lena lived by lake in Nordern Minnesota . It vas early vinter and da lake had froze over.

Ole asked Lena if she vould valk across da frozen lake to da yeneral store to get him some smokes. She asked him for some money, but he told her, Nah, yust put it on our tab.

So Lena valked across, got the smokes at da yeneral store, den walked back home across the lake. Ven she got home and gave Ole his smokes, she asked him, Ole, you alvays tell me not to run up da tab at da
store. Why didn't you yust give me some money?

Ole replied, Vell, I didn't vant to send you out dere vit some money ven I vasn't sure how tick the ice vas yet.

Here Are 9 Jokes About Florida That Are Actually Funny

Meanwhile in Florida....

Originally Posted by Guest

Here Are 9 Jokes About Florida That Are Actually Funny

Meanwhile in Florida....

Thanks,Tal, for sharing this website. Really enjoy reading some of the various stuff about different states. I thought it was just going to be jokes about each state, but there's some interesting info on there.

And to dirtbanker, although some of the jokes on here are a little over the top for this modest woman, some are laugh out loud funny.....thanks for starting the thread.

A blonde gets a job as a teacher.
She notices a boy in the field standing alone,
while all the other kids are running around having fun.
She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.
'You ok?' she says.
'Yes.' he says.
'You can go and play with the other kids you know.' she says.
'It's best I stay here.' he says. '
'Why?' says the blonde.
The boy says: 'Because, I'm the goalie'

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears,"You know what?

You have been with me all through the bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me.

When my business failed, you were there.

When I got shot, you were by my side.

When we lost the house, you stayed right here.

When my health started failing, you were still by my side...

You know what babe?"

"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I'm beginning to think you're bad luck."

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Taser. The effects of the Taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety... WAY COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.

But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Taser in another. The directions said that: a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!! WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!! WHAT THE... !!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Taser, one note of caution: There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, She loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it! If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!

Originally Posted by Guest

Thanks,Tal, for sharing this website. Really enjoy reading some of the various stuff about different states. I thought it was just going to be jokes about each state, but there's some interesting info on there.

And to dirtbanker, although some of the jokes on here are a little over the top for this modest woman, some are laugh out loud funny.....thanks for starting the thread.

You are welcome Abby10.

Hilarious Memes About Kansas

Kansas jokes.

Ten good reasons to Swear

10. "_______, what was that?" Mayor of Hiroshima 1945.
9. "_______, look at all those indians!" General Custer 1877.
8. "______, any idiot could understand that!" Einstien 1938.
7. "______, it does so look like her!" Picasso 1926.
6. "_____, how did you work that out!" Pythagoras 126BC.
5. "_____, you want WHAT on the ceiling!" Michaelangelo 1566.
4. "_____, where are we!" Amelia Earhart 1937.
3. "_____, scattered showers my ass!" Noah 4314BC.
2. "_____, who's gonna ever find out?" Bill Clinton 1999.
1. "_____, I didn't think they'd get this mad!" Saddam Hussein 2003.

Originally Posted by Guest

Ten good reasons to Swear

10. "_______, what was that?" Mayor of Hiroshima 1945.
9. "_______, look at all those indians!" General Custer 1877.
8. "______, any idiot could understand that!" Einstien 1938.
7. "______, it does so look like her!" Picasso 1926.
6. "_____, how did you work that out!" Pythagoras 126BC.
5. "_____, you want WHAT on the ceiling!" Michaelangelo 1566.
4. "_____, where are we!" Amelia Earhart 1937.
3. "_____, scattered showers my ass!" Noah 4314BC.
2. "_____, who's gonna ever find out?" Bill Clinton 1999.
1. "_____, I didn't think they'd get this mad!" Saddam Hussein 2003.

Pablo Picasso - Gray female head and red ocher background, 1926

Pablo Picasso of course. Pablo Picasso - Head, 1926

An Australian walks into a bar in New York with his dog & shouts "I have $100 here that says my dog can beat any other dog in a fight." The bartender looks down at the dog with disgust & says "what is that ugly thing". The Aussie replies"It's an Australian short legged long tailed swamp hound" One guy at the end of the bar offers to take him on with his Rottweiler. Within 5 seconds the Rottweilers neck is broken. The Aussie says anybody want to $200. Another guy steppes forward with a pitbull 3 foot at the shoulder snarling & snapping at anything that moves. "I'll take your money " he says. the dogs lunge at each other & in only a few seconds the pitbulls head is severed. The pitbulls owner stares in disbelief and says "what the hell did you say that dog was". The Aussie replies "it's an Australian short legged long tailed swamp hound but back home we just call em crocodiles."

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Later, her husband noticed her sitting in her car in the driveway with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.

He became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open and she looked very strange.

He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she had been shot in the back of the head and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The husband called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered.

Linda is a blonde, a Democrat, and an Hillary supporter, but that could all be a coincidence. The defective biscuit canister was analyzed and the expiration date was from 2008, so it was determined to be Bush's fault.

Found on the Refrigerator One Morning :

My Dear Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset----I shall be home before midnight.

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

My Dear Husband,

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.

After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, ‘Well, then, maybe I’ll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!’
The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, ‘Well, little lady, why don’t you go give it a try?’
The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, and spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.
He saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blond took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank.
Nearby were 7 more dead gators all lying belly up. The shopkeeper watched in amazement as the blond struggled with the gator.
Then, rolling her eyes, she screamed in frustration……
Sonofabitch!! … THIS ONE’S BAREFOOT, TOO!