More intersesting than Wackadoodle's library thread

More intersesting than Wackadoodle's library thread

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  #101  
Old 05-04-2017, 08:52 AM
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77. “Trump is kind of like the movie Snakes on a Plane. Sure the idea is entertaining. But an actual snake on your plane would be terrifying. And that's what's happening now. The plane is American democracy. And the snake is Trump.”-–Seth Meyers

Good one.
Cobra Starship - "Snakes on A Plane (Bring It)" - YouTube

Snakes on a Plane song.

  #102  
Old 05-04-2017, 09:38 AM
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I was standing in a bar and this little Chinese guy comes in and stands next to me.

After a few minutes, I said to him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate, or Ju-Jitsu?"

He says "No, why the fock you ask me dat? Is eet coz I Chinee"?

"No", I said, "It's because you're drinking my fvcking beer, you slanty-eyed little cocksucker!"
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  #103  
Old 05-04-2017, 12:11 PM
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84. “Did you know Donald Trump’s birthname is ****face von Clownstick? I hope that’s all over Twitter.” – Jon Stewart

85. “It is so hot immigrants are coming across the border on slip and slides. That's how hot it is. It is so hot, Donald Trump hit on Megyn Kelly just to get the cold shoulder. That's how hot it is, ladies and gentlemen.” –Jay Leno

86. “Trump had medical deferment [during Vietnam] … he had inter-rectum cranial inversion — which means his head is up his ass.” – Jay Leno

87. “This all dates back to when we were growing up together in Kenya… we had constant run-ins on the soccer field. He wasn’t very good and he resented it.” – Barack Obama

88. “What a great honor it must be for you to honor me tonight. I'm so sorry; Donald Trump said that. It's getting trickier and trickier to satirize this stuff.” — Julia Louis Dreyfus

89. “Now, you might say he’d make a terrible president. I mean, the guy bankrupted his own casino. A casino! Where the House always wins! Unless it’s Donald Trump’s house!”—Lewis Black

90. “Trump is actually doing very well in Nevada. That's right, Trump appeals to Nevada's key demographic — people who've declared bankruptcy.”—Conan O'Brien

91. “Yes. He was still an odd person then… to me, Donald Trump is not a rich man. Donald Trump is like what a hobo imagines a rich man to be. Like Trump was walking around under an underpass, and he heard some guy like ‘Ohh, as soon as my number comes in, I’m gonna put up tall buildings with my name on ’em! I’ll have fine golden hair, and a TV show where I fire Gene Simmons with my children.’ And Trump was like ‘That is how I will live my life.'” – John Mulaney

92. “[Donald Trump’s] not good at running for president, he’s just good at ‘Family Feud.’ And these other people are terrible at ‘Family Feud.’ So when the Steve Harvey of this election is like ‘Name something that is bothering Americans,’ and Ted Cruz is like ‘Benghazi!’ [buzzer noise]. But then Trump is like ‘All the problems.’ And that’s the number one answer.”—John Mulaney

93. “Donald Trump can seem appealing until you take a closer look, much like the lunch buffet at a strip club, or the NFL or having a pet chimpanzee,” he added. “Sure it seems fun, but some day Coco is gonna tear your ****ing limbs off.”—John Oliver

Great stuff.
  #104  
Old 05-04-2017, 01:56 PM
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I Don't Look Good Naked Anymore - YouTube

Since 1984....
  #105  
Old 05-05-2017, 07:26 AM
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It has been determined, the most used
Sexual position for married couples is
A doggie position.

The husband sits up and begs.

The wife rolls over and plays dead.
  #106  
Old 05-05-2017, 07:53 AM
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Sometimes during the weekends I drink some water - to surprise my liver.
  #107  
Old 05-05-2017, 07:59 AM
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A teacher was explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
'Human beings are the only animals that stutter' she said.

A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.'
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become,
asked the girl to describe the incident.

'Well,' she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty
and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start
and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'

'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.
'It sure was,' said the little girl.

'My kitty raised her back and went 'Ffffff! Ffffff! Ffffff!'
but before she could say 'F*ck off!' the Rottweiler ate her!
  #108  
Old 05-05-2017, 08:06 AM
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Ole was hunting geese up in the Minnesota woods. He leaned the old 16 gauge against the corner of the blind to take a leak.

As luck would have it, his foolish dog knocked the gun over, it went off and Ole took most of an ounce of #4 in the groin.

Several hours later, lying in a Duluth hospital bed, he came to.... and there was his doctor, Sven.

"Vell Ole, I got some good news and some bad news. Da good news is dat you are going to be OK.
Da damage vas local to your groin, dere was very
little internal damage, and I vas able to remove all of da buckshot."

"What's the bad news?", asks Ole

"The bad news is dat dere vas some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your pecker. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister, Lena ."

"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," says Ole. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"

"Not exactly," Sven says. "She's a flute player in da Minneapolis Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you vhere to put your fingers, so you don't pi$$ in your eye."
  #109  
Old 05-05-2017, 08:20 AM
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One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?'

Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Mommy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'
  #110  
Old 05-05-2017, 09:35 AM
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What is the tallest building in the world? The library, because it has the most stories.
What do you call a nervous javelin thrower? Shakespeare.
What do you call a South American librarian who is always in a hurry? Urgent Tina.
What do you call a teacher who never farts in the library? A private tutor.
What do you call a book that's about the brain? A mind reader.
 

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