Interesting piece of history!

In 1272, the Arabic Islamic Muslims invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine.

In 1873, the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.

Wackadoodle was at the bar the other night and overheard three very hefty women talking.


Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so he approached and asked, "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland ?"

One of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales , Wales you bloody idiot!"

So Wackadoodle apologized and replied, "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland ?"

And that's the last thing he remembers.

A man came home to find his house in flames. In a panic, he rushed to his neighbor's house to use the phone to call 911.
He dialed and the dispatcher quickly answered. "Help!" he said to the dispatcher. "My house is on fire!"
"Okay sir, we can help. How do we get there?" the dispather calmly asked.
"What? Don't you still have those big red trucks?"

Ted and his wife were working in their garden one day when Ted looks over at his wife and says: "Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big! I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue."

With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom.

"Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!!"

The wife chooses to ignore her husband. Later that night in bed, Ted is feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.

"What's wrong?" he asks.

She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?"

More intersesting than Wackadoodle's library thread

Harassment in title of this thread.

In a Detroit church one Sunday morning, a preacher said, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."

With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."

The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy's ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy's head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed. He prayed a "blue streak" for Leroy, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.

After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?"

Leroy answered, "I don't know. It ain't 'til Thursday."

Suddenly, a cow walks out into the road and a Limo driving late at night hits it head on and the car comes to a stop.
The woman in the back seat - in her usual abrasive manner, says to the chauffeur,"You get out and check on that poor cow--you were driving."
So the chauffeur gets out, checks, and reports that the animal is dead but it appeared to be very old.
Well, says the woman, "You were driving, so you go and tell the farmer in that lighted farmhouse over there"
Two hours later the chauffeur returns totally inebriated, a full belly, is hair ruffled, with a big grin on his face.
"My God, What Happened to You?" asks the woman.
The chauffeur replies, "When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of single malt scotch, the wife gave me a meal fit for a king, and the daughter made love to me."
"What on earth did you say?" asks the woman.
Well, I just knocked on the door..........and when it opened I said to them,
"I'm Nancy Pelosi's chauffeur, and I've just killed the old cow."

A guy at a horse race whispers to Paddy next to him,
"Do you want the winner of the next race?"
Paddy replies "No tanks, oi've only got a small yard."

A woman arrived at a party and while scanning
the guests, spotted an attractive man standing
alone. She approached him, smiled and said, “Hello,
My name is Carmen.”

“That’s a beautiful name,” he replied. “Is it a family
name?”

“No,” she replied. As a matter of fact I gave it to
myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the
most – cars and men. Therefore, I chose “Carmen.

” What’s your name?”

He answered “B.J. Titsengolf.”

Originally Posted by Guest

More intersesting than Wackadoodle's library thread

Harassment in title of this thread.

Welcome to the Sumter County Sheriff's Office Website

Harassment.

GUNFIGHTING TIPS…

In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world.


He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't
yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong.

Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man
standing at the bar who in his day had the reputation of being the
fastest gun in the West. The young cowboy took a place next to the
old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition.
"Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.

The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing,
you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on
your leg."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

"Sure will," replied the old-timer.

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and
shot the bow tie off the piano player.

"That's terrific!" said the hot shot. "Got any more tips for me?"

"Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the
hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man.

"You bet it will," said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun
in a blur, then shot a cufflink off the piano player.

"Wow!" exclaimed the cowboy. "I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any
more tips?"

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that
axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it."

The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease
on the barrel of his gun.

"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

The Old Timer said, "No, but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano,
he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much if it's all
greased up."

A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York City and laid on the back seat.
The cab driver, an old gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the cab. The woman glared back at him and said,
"What's wrong with you, honey? Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"
The driver answered, "Let me tell you sumsing, lady. I vasn't staring at you like you tink; det vould not be proper."
The drunk woman giggled and responded, "Well, if you're not staring at my boobs or my butt, sweetie, what are you doing then?"
He paused a moment, then told her..."Vell, M'am, I am looking and I am looking, and I am tinking to myself, vair da hell is dis lady keeping de money to pay for dis ride?"

Now, ------------that's a businessman!

When Paddy Murphy died, his wife called the newspaper.

She asked"how much does it cost to put in an obituary"

" That would be 1 Euro per word, Mary"

"Okay, said Mary, put Paddy died"

"No Mary, there is a 5 word minimum"

"Okay, put Paddy died, Toyota for sale"

An Irish priest was transferred to Texas ...

Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new west Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.

The conversation went like this:

"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann 's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the foreign accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied, "Well now, Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.......
Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye,'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call.

My name is mary, and i was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.
I noticed his dds diploma on the wall, which bore his full name. Suddenly, i remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that i had a secret crush on, way back then?
Upon seeing him, however, i quickly discarded any such thought.
This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.
After he examined my teeth, i asked him if he had attended morgan park high school
'yes. Yes, i did. I'm a mustang,' he gleamed with pride.
'when did you graduate?' i asked.
He answered, 'in 1975. Why do you ask?'
'you were in my class!', i exclaimed.
He looked at me closely.
Then, that ugly, old, balding, wrinkled faced, fat-assed, gray-haired, decrepit, miserable, son-of-a-bitch asked... "what did you teach" ?