94. “I was in the elevator alone with him, just by chance. And he just looked so miserable. He looks so unhappy. And all that money… I realize this is weird, he has all those billions of dollars. But he’s ****ing billion dollars, because he needs a $100 billion to look in the mirror and not want to kill himself.”—Louis CK

95. “Today is the Republican caucus in Nevada, and Donald Trump is projected to win. When asked why they're voting for him, Americans said, 'We're used to doing things in Nevada that we'll regret tomorrow.'”—Conan O'Brien

96. “Is Trump seriously just now realizing his supporters are a bunch of window-licking water heads? Donald, you are talking to the craziest people in the country. You could literally take off your shoe mid-speech, hold it up to your ear, say you’re getting a call from Batman and they would be quiet until you hung up your shoe.”—Michael Che

97. “People are like, ‘I like Trump; he says what he thinks. What he thinks is stupid. That’s like if your friend is like, ‘I would like to **** your mom.’ Why would you say that? ... I don’t give a **** if you’re politically correct, just be correct, correct.”—Jon Stewart

98. “I don't believe that Donald Trump is a racist. He's just pandering to the most prejudiced segment of the country. He's hustling them. [...] None of what he's saying is true. You don't just develop racism overnight on the campaign trail. Racism is embedded deep down in a person's soul. I've looked into that man's eyes. Donald Trump doesn't have a soul.”—Michael Che

99. “Yeah, things are different. Donald Trump is leading in the polls. I’m going back (in a coma).”—Tracy Morgan

100. “Does Trump really think this bizarre show of faux-majesty is in any way regal? Because it’s actually kind of insane watching him stomp down the sidewalk on a carpet that’s being unspooled by two slobs who would be his sons if they weren’t to the tacky manor born. And it also sums up Donald Trump perfectly — what he thinks is spectacular is merely spectacularly low-rent to the rest of us.”—Tom Scharpling

101. “He’s an obscenely wealthy version of Erik Estrada or William Shatner, a cultural punch line who still has to exist as a human. And the worst part is that no matter how many times he tells us how mean he is, he needs us to like him so badly.”—Tom Scharpling

102. “Kids on the playground have more inherent logic in the games they just made up than Trump does in the eleventh season of his show (Celebrity Apprentice). But what is to be expected from a show that is decided by a grown-up version of a child emperor?”—Tom Scharpling

More Donald Trump jokes.

Playing Wack-A-Doodle-Doo - YouTube

Play the wackadoodle game.

Q: What’s the difference between a Liberal and a sack of manure?
A: The sack.

....

Q: How do you plant dope?
A: Bury a Democrat.


....

Q: What is it called when a Liberal blows in another Liberal’s ear?
A: Data transfer.

Q: What’s five miles long and has an IQ of forty?
A: A Democrat parade.

But, not even close to that size in The Villages....

Q: Why do so many Liberals live in L.A.?
A: It’s the only city that is easy enough for them to spell.

Q: What do you call a basement full of Liberals?
A: A whine cellar.

A Democrat died and a friend went around collecting for a fund for his funeral. A woman was asked to donate ten dollars.
“Ten dollars?” she said. “It only takes ten dollars to bury a Democrat? Here’s a hundred – go bury 10 of them!”

Speaker Nancy Pelosi is in Shanghai to debate climate change with Chinese government officials. I think she'll do fine. These negotiations always come down to whoever blinks first.

They say that Christopher Columbus was the first Democrat. When he left to discover America, he didn't know where he was going. When he got there he didn't know where he was. And it was all done on a government grant.

Q: Where can single men over the age of 70 find
younger women who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore, under
Fiction.
Q: What can a man do while his wife is going
through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can
finish the basement. When you're done, you will have a place to
live.
Q: Someone has told me that menopause is
mentioned in the bible... Is that true?
Where can it be
found?
A: Yes. Matthew 14:92:
"And Mary rode
Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt
...."
Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your
over-70 year-old husband?
A: Tell him you're
pregnant.
Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the
elderly wrinkles?
A: Take off your
glasses.
Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow's feet
and all those wrinkles on my face?
A: Go braless. It will usually pull them
out..
Q: Why should 70-plus year old people use valet
parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your
car.
Q: Is it common for 70-plus year olds to have
problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem. Retrieving it
is the problem.
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the
afternoon.
Q: Where should 70-plus year olds look for eye
glasses?
A: On their
foreheads.
Q: What is the most common remark made by 70-plus
year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: "Gosh, I remember
these!"

A real woman is a man's best friend. She will never stand him up and never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day. She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret. She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires. She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible...

No wait...Sorry.

I'm thinking of whiskey. It's whiskey that does all that.

Originally Posted by Taltarzac725

Sometimes during the weekends I drink some water - to surprise my liver.

Funny [emoji3]

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said,
'I've got some bad news.
You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.'

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

'Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini.'
After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less sombre. There were some laughs and more martinis.
They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, 'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.'
The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, 'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that?'

'Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone.'