Hitting, Slapping Children

[duffysmom]

Is it possible to raise a child and not put your hands on them when they misbehave.

[Happydaz]

It is possible. My five sons and their wives raise their children that way. They use time outs and other methods to discipline them. It seems to be quite effective. My grandchildren are better behaved than my sons were and they got spanked!

[samhass]

Absolutely.

[billethkid]

of course...just use a paddle:)

[CFrance]

I chose not to revisit my mother's corporal punishment upon my kids, and they are among the most respectful, honest, hardworking adult children I know.

There were times I wanted to wallop them. I made the difficult choice not to. And I did not have easy children--at least, one of them.

[tucson]

Yes it is... I never spanked or hit my child at all and he's a hard working and loving person. I also never allowed any toy guns and/or violence type "toys"....

[golf2140]

Wounder why we have police in all our schools in this day in age.

[CFrance]

Wounder why we have police in all our schools in this day in age.

Please don't blame that on those of us who raised kids without hitting them. We taught them discipline.

Blame it on the lazy parents who never taught their kids manners and respect for authority. That has nothing to do with hitting them. In fact, I would wonder if the violent kids weren't raised by violent parents.

[samhass]

Please don't blame that on those of us who raised kids without hitting them. We taught them discipline.

Blame it on the lazy parents who never taught their kids manners and respect for authority. That has nothing to do with hitting them. In fact, I would wonder if the violent kids weren't raised by violent parents.

That says it best of all.
I think violence begets violence. It does not make the world a better place.

[WanderingFinches]

physical punishment doesn't reinforce good behavior it creates resentment

[Parker]

We spanked our kids very rarely, and not hard, and only for particularly egregious behavior. We used our hands, never a belt or paddle, and not very hard. In retrospect, I don't know that it really did any good, or any bad. They both grew up to be fine adults, and we have a wonderful relationship with them both.

If I had it to do all over again, I don't think I'd resort to spanking. But for LOVING parents of good judgement who do, no condemnation from me.

[eweissenbach]

We spanked our kids very rarely, and not hard, and only for particularly egregious behavior. We used our hands, never a belt or paddle, and not very hard. In retrospect, I don't know that it really did any good, or any bad. They both grew up to be fine adults, and we have a wonderful relationship with them both.

If I had it to do all over again, I don't think I'd resort to spanking. But for LOVING parents of good judgement who do, no condemnation from me.

I pretty much agree with this, we used to give our kids a slap on the butt to let them know that something was unacceptable, nothing really painful, but just to emphasize a point. If I were to start over again I would not use physical punishment for two reasons. First, I think it has been proven ineffective, and is more to release the frustration of the parent rather than make an impression on the child. Second, society's perception of what may constitute abuse has evolved in the last thirty years or so and one could end up in legal trouble for what some people used to accept as legitimate discipline. Sometimes I think parents today confuse discipline and physical punishment. Discipline can and must be administered if children are to learn good manners and right from wrong, but it can and should be accomplished without hitting or spanking. The problem with some parenting IMHO is that the parents assume that the kids need nothing but affirmation and positive feedback, and they don't strongly register their disapproval of improper behavior.

My mother never laid a hand on me that I can recall, but an expression of her disappointment in me for bad behavior was the worst punishment imaginable.

Studies have shown that most abusers were themselves abused, and there can be a fine line between discipline and abuse.

[CFrance]

I pretty much agree with this, we used to give our kids a slap on the butt to let them know that something was unacceptable, nothing really painful, but just to emphasize a point. If I were to start over again I would not use physical punishment for two reasons. First, I think it has been proven ineffective, and is more to release the frustration of the parent rather than make an impression on the child. Second, society's perception of what may constitute abuse has evolved in the last thirty years or so and one could end up in legal trouble for what some people used to accept as legitimate discipline. Sometimes I think parents today confuse discipline and physical punishment. Discipline can and must be administered if children are to learn good manners and right from wrong, but it can and should be accomplished without hitting or spanking. The problem with some parenting IMHO is that the parents assume that the kids need nothing but affirmation and positive feedback, and they don't strongly register their disapproval of improper behavior.

My mother never laid a hand on me that I can recall, but an expression of her disappointment in me for bad behavior was the worst punishment imaginable.

Studies have shown that most abusers were themselves abused, and there can be a fine line between discipline and abuse.

As usual, you have a handle on the situation, Coach Ed, and have articulated it well. There was a time when Fred Rogers came out and said that many parents had misconstrued his mantra, "I like you just the way you are" as meaning they shouldn't discipline their kids. What he meant was everyone should be accepted despite physical or mental differences. He did not mean that everything a child does is to be accepted.

Parenting is not fun!:cry: I am really enjoying our adult sons.

[samhass]

I pretty much agree with this, we used to give our kids a slap on the butt to let them know that something was unacceptable, nothing really painful, but just to emphasize a point. If I were to start over again I would not use physical punishment for two reasons. First, I think it has been proven ineffective, and is more to release the frustration of the parent rather than make an impression on the child. Second, society's perception of what may constitute abuse has evolved in the last thirty years or so and one could end up in legal trouble for what some people used to accept as legitimate discipline. Sometimes I think parents today confuse discipline and physical punishment. Discipline can and must be administered if children are to learn good manners and right from wrong, but it can and should be accomplished without hitting or spanking. The problem with some parenting IMHO is that the parents assume that the kids need nothing but affirmation and positive feedback, and they don't strongly register their disapproval of improper behavior.





My mother never laid a hand on me that I can recall, but an expression of her disappointment in me for bad behavior was the worst punishment imaginable.

Studies have shown that most abusers were themselves abused, and there can be a fine line between discipline and abuse.

Old Coach Ed, well said....especially the part about "parents today confuse discipline and physical punishment".
:BigApplause:

[LI SNOWBIRD]

I chose not to revisit my mother's corporal punishment upon my kids, and they are among the most respectful, honest, hardworking adult children I know.

There were times I wanted to wallop them. I made the difficult choice not to. And I did not have easy children--at least, one of them.

My mother was a harsh disciplinarian and that behavior was learned from her parents. And so it was learned by me. When my first wife and I had children I felt I had to re-enact how I was raised. Thank God my wife was a "USE THE ROD-AND-SPOIL-THE-CHILD" person. I quickly learned that love was stronger than hurting ( we never hit/humiliated our kids).
Today I am very proud of the adults the have become. And most especially the parents they are to our grandkids. They are my best legacy.

[blueash]

I'll only add that the origin of the word discipline is the same as the word disciple and docent. A docent is a teacher, a disciple is a learner. When you discipline you are teaching and your child is learning. You can teach your child to hit to solve problems or find a better way.

[quirky3]

I'll only add that the origin of the word discipline is the same as the word disciple and docent. A docent is a teacher, a disciple is a learner. When you discipline you are teaching and your child is learning. You can teach your child to hit to solve problems or find a better way.

Exactly. Violence toward children begets violence toward future generations. Is that what we want?

[jbdlfan]

When you discipline is it to punish or are you really just trying to redirect or modify behavior? Which serves as a better outcome? I would believe that being able to modify "bad" behavior or poor decision making could be better served through other means. As I mentioned in another thread, many times today, parents will not take privileges away because they don't want to be inconvenienced. If one grounds a child from activities or material things, they will have to now deal with the child directly.
One of the most effective punishments we ever applied to one of our children was when our son was prohibited to play two games of his baseball season. He not only missed the chance to play, he had to explain to his coach and teammates what he did and apologize for letting them down. Worked quite well in our home.

[Happinow]

Please don't blame that on those of us who raised kids without hitting them. We taught them discipline.

Blame it on the lazy parents who never taught their kids manners and respect for authority. That has nothing to do with hitting them. In fact, I would wonder if the violent kids weren't raised by violent parents.

Well said. I am strongly against hitting or spanking children. I feel it is the lazy parents way out. I know a lot of people who never spanked their children and they are the most upstanding, smart, and respectable kids that I know. Discipline without spanking takes time, creativity and self control and I believe that a lot of parents these days don't have that. Violence begets violence.

[Golfingnut]

Corporal punishment will turn your children into criminals.

[eweissenbach]

Corporal punishment will turn your children into criminals.

That is a bit strong Lou. If that was the case, virtually every one of us raised before the 60s or 70s would have become criminals. I think there are better ways to discipline, but mild corporal punishment was not generally harmful, unless taken to extremes.

[Topspinmo]

IMO majority or large part of America kids are spoiled little brats, most never worked day in their life and wouldn't know what to do without their electronics' gadgets . IS that their fault IMO no lack of thing to do and parents maybe?

Course my kids and grandbabies don't fit into that. They're little Angel's.:1rotfl:
Now with that out of the way I wonder why I see so many misbehaved children these days? :1rotfl::blahblahblah:

With the threat of felony charges you really can't spank (hands only course no stick or ruler like teachers use to use in school in my day let alone the big paddle the principle had ) or you take chance of loosing you child in todays society.

IMO it's generation thing loosing family value's which IMO started late 60's and slowly gotten worse for the majority with no dad's or even mommy around (due to working) this is what you get. Street corner or School raised Kids or mainly play ground raised kids.

IMO we could learn a lot from the Chinese when it comes to child care/manner's (course I sure they have their problems also?, But I rarely seen it) and throw the Dr. Spock book away and start over??:read::D

There's big rumor that the author of dr. spock book didn't even have kid??? Please somebody tell me this isn't true?

Too much of any kind of punishment becomes useless IMO. I seen both sides too much spanking and too much time out's with worse results. What's the correct answer? I think when you misbehave when you was small either you recognized it was wrong or you didn't.

If you didn't IMO you turned into little bullies or tantrum drama queens which leads to bigger misbehavior? Once you get there now what? I just glad My child was not little monster and usually the threat of punishment 99% time took care of the problem. Course some will say threats would be mental punishment?? But wouldn't time out fit into that category??

IMO at the end of the day really hard Question/answers which ever side of the river you on?

[Bonnevie]

I think the hardest thing to do and where a lot of parents fail, is not following thru on the punishment they enact. My neighbors would "ground" their kids or take away the computer, but then if it conflicted with something the parents wanted to do, they would suspend it or find some other excuse of not following thru. Both kids smoked weed, the boy snuck in my house and store money...was huffing inhalants. The hardest thing is to say "no" and stick to it.

[Topspinmo]

I think the hardest thing to do and where a lot of parents fail, is not following thru on the punishment they enact. My neighbors would "ground" their kids or take away the computer, but then if it conflicted with something the parents wanted to do, they would suspend it or find some other excuse of not following thru. Both kids smoked weed, the boy snuck in my house and store money...was huffing inhalants. The hardest thing is to say "no" and stick to it.


I think you are right:BigApplause::BigApplause:

[dillywho]

IMO majority or large part of America kids are spoiled little brats, most never worked day in their life and wouldn't know what to do without their electronics' gadgets . IS that their fault IMO no lack of thing to do and parents maybe?

Course my kids and grandbabies don't fit into that. They're little Angel's.:1rotfl:
Now with that out of the way I wonder why I see so many misbehaved children these days? :1rotfl::blahblahblah:

With the threat of felony charges you really can't spank (hands only course no stick or ruler like teachers use to use in school in my day let alone the big paddle the principle had ) or you take chance of loosing you child in todays society.

IMO it's generation thing loosing family value's which IMO started late 60's and slowly gotten worse for the majority with no dad's or even mommy around (due to working) this is what you get. Street corner or School raised Kids or mainly play ground raised kids.

IMO we could learn a lot from the Chinese when it comes to child care/manner's (course I sure they have their problems also?, But I rarely seen it) and throw the Dr. Spock book away and start over??:read::D

There's big rumor that the author of dr. spock book didn't even have kid??? Please somebody tell me this isn't true?

Too much of any kind of punishment becomes useless IMO. I seen both sides too much spanking and too much time out's with worse results. What's the correct answer? I think when you misbehave when you was small either you recognized it was wrong or you didn't.

If you didn't IMO you turned into little bullies or tantrum drama queens which leads to bigger misbehavior? Once you get there now what? I just glad My child was not little monster and usually the threat of punishment 99% time took care of the problem. Course some will say threats would be mental punishment?? But wouldn't time out fit into that category??

IMO at the end of the day really hard Question/answers which ever side of the river you on?

Dr. Spock's son committed suicide. So much for the Spock methodology.

[dillywho]

I think the hardest thing to do and where a lot of parents fail, is not following thru on the punishment they enact. My neighbors would "ground" their kids or take away the computer, but then if it conflicted with something the parents wanted to do, they would suspend it or find some other excuse of not following thru. Both kids smoked weed, the boy snuck in my house and store money...was huffing inhalants. The hardest thing is to say "no" and stick to it.

You are exactly right. One of my youngest son's friends was trying to get him to do something one day that he knew better than to do and told him, "Aw, Shannon, your mother's not going to do anything." My son replied, "You don't know my mother and I'm not gonna try her". My kids knew exactly where they stood with me.

The first time my oldest son, Donnie, came in all upset because he had received a speeding ticket and wanted me to get him a lawyer to fight it, we had the following discussion:

Me: How fast were you going?

Him: 68 the cop said.

Me: What was the speed limit?

Him: 55, but I was late.

Me: Too bad. Go pay your ticket and leave earlier next time or just be late. I will ALWAYS back you up when you are right, but not when you are in the wrong. Pay your ticket...end of discussion, big boy.

[GatorFan]

Never laid a hand on my daughter. Let her express herself and always told her if she told me the truth she would not get in trouble. I also gave her the message that the choices she made in life were choices she would have to live with. Never had one bit of trouble with her. She has always been very honest and talked to me about most everything. Even to this day she calls me everyday just to say hello and that she loves me. She also is very successful and has a great life.

It is very hard for me to bite my tongue when I see parents treat their children with such disrespect. You can not expect respect if you do not give respect.

[CFrance]

Dr. Spock's son committed suicide. So much for the Spock methodology.

That is not true. snopes.com: Dr. Spock Son Suicide (http://www.snopes.com/medical/doctor/drspock.asp)

[Golfingnut]

That is a bit strong Lou. If that was the case, virtually every one of us raised before the 60s or 70s would have become criminals. I think there are better ways to discipline, but mild corporal punishment was not generally harmful, unless taken to extremes.

I will say it this way.

Corporal punishment is more likely to turn your children into criminals than if you would use other nonviolent methods. I also think corporal punishment of children is the tool of a person to lazy to use a more sensible form of persuasion.

[senior citizen]

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[senior citizen]

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[senior citizen]

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[joerocker]

Every child is different and every child needs to be raised differently. Some are little angels, others, the devil incarnate. Some can simply be told not to do something, some need to be physically restrained to stop them. There is a range of intellectual ability. There is a range of emotional stability, a range of compliance and defiance, all kinds of differences. Each needing different rearing techniques. "One size doesn't fit all." IMHO of course.

[eweissenbach]

Every child is different and every child needs to be raised differently. Some are little angels, others, the devil incarnate. Some can simply be told not to do something, some need to be physically restrained to stop them. There is a range of intellectual ability. There is a range of emotional stability, a range of compliance and defiance, all kinds of differences. Each needing different rearing techniques. "One size doesn't fit all." IMHO of course.

Correct. In my teaching/coaching career I was able to observe the behavior of many siblings, presumably raised the same way, in the same environment, by the same parents, and often there would be one or more who were far less respectful and far more incorrigible than the other or others. I also observed some children from the most disfunctional, in some cases criminal, alcoholic, drug addicted, and abusive families, who were model students and citizens. I also observed children from warm, adoring, nurturing families who were virtually uncontrollable and disrespectful. Before you judge parents by their children, or vice versa, you might spend a few years in education and get a real life look at what you observe. Lila and I raised three children all three of whom had different needs, personalities, and behavior, and all of whom turned into successful, and stable, adults despite a few minor bumpy roads as they matured.

[tom60]

Is it possible to raise a child and not put your hands on them when they misbehave.

My father beat me bad once when I was young for getting kicked off the school bus and I never forgot or forgave that beating. I learned from it and I never touched my own son when he was growing up.

[Parker]

A serious breach of trust in childhood never goes away, no matter all the good that surrounds it. Sad how one dissonant chord can ruin the whole tune.

[dillywho]

IMO majority or large part of America kids are spoiled little brats, most never worked day in their life and wouldn't know what to do without their electronics' gadgets . IS that their fault IMO no lack of thing to do and parents maybe?

Course my kids and grandbabies don't fit into that. They're little Angel's.:1rotfl:
Now with that out of the way I wonder why I see so many misbehaved children these days? :1rotfl::blahblahblah:

With the threat of felony charges you really can't spank (hands only course no stick or ruler like teachers use to use in school in my day let alone the big paddle the principle had ) or you take chance of loosing you child in todays society.

IMO it's generation thing loosing family value's which IMO started late 60's and slowly gotten worse for the majority with no dad's or even mommy around (due to working) this is what you get. Street corner or School raised Kids or mainly play ground raised kids.

IMO we could learn a lot from the Chinese when it comes to child care/manner's (course I sure they have their problems also?, But I rarely seen it) and throw the Dr. Spock book away and start over??:read::D

There's big rumor that the author of dr. spock book didn't even have kid??? Please somebody tell me this isn't true?

Too much of any kind of punishment becomes useless IMO. I seen both sides too much spanking and too much time out's with worse results. What's the correct answer? I think when you misbehave when you was small either you recognized it was wrong or you didn't.

If you didn't IMO you turned into little bullies or tantrum drama queens which leads to bigger misbehavior? Once you get there now what? I just glad My child was not little monster and usually the threat of punishment 99% time took care of the problem. Course some will say threats would be mental punishment?? But wouldn't time out fit into that category??

IMO at the end of the day really hard Question/answers which ever side of the river you on?

You are right. Any form of punishment becomes useless when overused. I can count on one hand the times I can remember being spanked. My brother a little more. Once we got the message, it would only take "the look" to shape us right up. By the time we were teens, our punishment took on totally different forms. We didn't know terms like "grounded or timeout". Instead, it was "You're not going anywhere until I say so", or "You are not having friends over or talking to anyone on the phone". (We only had one phone and our conversations were limited, too.)

I always took the time to explain to my boys why they were not allowed to do some of the things that their friends did or why I did or didn't want them to do something. I always hated the phrase, "Because I said so", which my mom would often use and vowed not to do that to my kids.

Both my boys are retired Navy and said that you could tell the ones that had had discipline and responsibilities growing up from those who didn't. They either could not adjust to being told what to do or had a hard time doing so. (I think the same holds true for other occupations, as well.) When the youngest one first went in, he said in one of his very first letters home, "Now I fully understand why Dad always said that he would tell us only one time to do/not do something. Thanks, Dad."

[dillywho]

Correct. In my teaching/coaching career I was able to observe the behavior of many siblings, presumably raised the same way, in the same environment, by the same parents, and often there would be one or more who were far less respectful and far more incorrigible than the other or others. I also observed some children from the most disfunctional, in some cases criminal, alcoholic, drug addicted, and abusive families, who were model students and citizens. I also observed children from warm, adoring, nurturing families who were virtually uncontrollable and disrespectful. Before you judge parents by their children, or vice versa, you might spend a few years in education and get a real life look at what you observe. Lila and I raised three children all three of whom had different needs, personalities, and behavior, and all of whom turned into successful, and stable, adults despite a few minor bumpy roads as they matured.

Very wise words.

[dillywho]

ditto.

Many of the most violent kids I have ever encountered had ZERO discipline of any form. They "ruled the roost" and expected the same once they left home. They were the ones who later abused their parents and anyone else they so chose.

There is an absolute difference in abuse and discipline.

[CFrance]

Many of the most violent kids I have ever encountered had ZERO discipline of any form. They "ruled the roost" and expected the same once they left home. They were the ones who later abused their parents and anyone else they so chose.

There is an absolute difference in abuse and discipline.

I think there's a point being missed here. It's not only the kids who got beat who grew up to be fine, upstanding citizens. It's also the ones whose parents demanded respect from them, demanded they respect others, and followed through with their non-corporal punishments.

Every kid has a different level of emotional tolerance, and physical punishment can demean and humiliate some kids. Why take the chance when there are emotionally kinder ways to discipline a child?

My mother was mentally unstable and had terrible anger issues that she visited upon my brother and me, both physically and emotionally. I vowed never to put our kids through that. One of ours was not an easy child to raise, but nevertheless we used other forms of discipline, and he was never disrespectful to us or his teachers. After he "came through the other side" of his teenage years, he said to us, "I can't believe you and Dad didn't strangle me in my bed!"

The other one was a piece of cake to raise. They both turned out the same--responsible, caring adults.

That's our story.I'll never be in favor of corporal punishment.

[justjim]

OP'S question can easily be answered with a yes. That being said, one type of discipline does not fit all. Have you noticed? Kids are very different---even raised by the same parents with the same love and attention.

Divorce and single parenting has taken its toll on kids today. That is not to say that "good" kids cannot come out of these situations---its just makes raising these kids more difficult and complicated. I know this to be a fact from my families experience with divorce and raising kids in a single parent environment.

Unfortunately, more that 50% of marriages end in divorce and too many times kids take the "brunt" of these divorces. With parents living in two different households, it makes it very difficult to discipline the children in a consistent and effective manner. It's complicated.