More intersesting than Wackadoodle's library thread [Archive]

dirtbanker

04-29-2017, 07:47 AM

They weren't in my pockets. Suddenly I realized I must have left them
in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My husband
has scolded me many times for leaving my keys in the car's ignition.
He's afraid that the car could be stolen. As I looked around the
parking lot, I realized he was right. The parking lot was empty. I
immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that
I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.
*
Then I made the most difficult call of all to my husband: left my
keys in the car and it's been stolen."
*
There was a moment of silence. I thought the call had been
disconnected, but then I heard his voice. Are you kidding me?" he
barked, "I dropped you off!"
*
Now it was my turn to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come
and get me."
*
He retorted, I will, as soon as I convince this cop that I didn't
steal your damn car!"

dirtbanker

04-29-2017, 07:48 AM

A wife comes home late one evening, and quietly opens the door to the Master Bedroom.
From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two.
She reaches for a baseball bat and starts whacking the blanket as hard as she can.
Leaving the covered bodies groaning, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.
As she enters, she sees her husband there, leaning on the counter, reading a magazine.
"Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit, so I let'em stay in our bedroom.
Did you say "hello”?

dirtbanker

04-29-2017, 07:52 AM

The teacher Mr. Hull*said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"
*
HE*saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Hodakio, a bright foreign exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up: "Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.
*
*
"Very good! -- Who said,' Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth."
*
Again, no response except from Little Hodakio: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863".
*
"Excellent!" said the teacher Hull*continuing, "Let's try one a bit more difficult -- Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country'?"
*
Once again, Hodakio's was the only hand in the air and he said: "John F. Kennedy, 1961".
*
*Teacher Hull*snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves. Little Hodakio isn't from this country and he knows more about our history than you do".
*
He*heard a loud whisper:"F_ _ k the Japs".
*
"Who said that? -- I want to know right now!"*he angrily demanded.
*
Little Hodakio put his hand up, "General MacArthur, 1945".
*
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke".
*
*Teacher Hull*glares around and asks, "All right! -- Now who said that?"
*
Again, Little Hodakio says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991".
*
Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? -- Suck this!"
*
Little Hodakio jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher Hull, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
*
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, "You little ****! -- If you say anything else -- I'll kill you!"
*
Little Hodakio frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the children testifying against him, 2004".
*
The teacher, Dean Hull*fainted.
*
As-the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh ****, we're F-- ked!"
*
Little Hodakio said quietly, "The American people, October 28, 2015 11:00 PM after watching the GOP Debate.

dirtbanker

04-29-2017, 07:53 AM

A motorcycle police officer stops a driver for shooting through a red light. The driver is a real jerk, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!
So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit offensive terms.
The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.
When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to The 'violator' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.
The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an *******!"
Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record with a high number of points and is in danger of losing his license, so he hired a lawyer to represent him.
On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run through the red light.
Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"
Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."
Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"
"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."
"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"
"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."
"Aggressive and hostile?"
"Yes, Sir.
"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for *******?"
Well, sir, you know your client better than I do.

Taltarzac725

04-29-2017, 07:55 AM

Harassment. Use of wackadoodle and library thread. Very inappropriate jokes too as some high school and junior high school kids might be looking at this now or at some future date.

dirtbanker

04-29-2017, 07:58 AM

A Scotsman went to Confession in St. MacGregor's Catholic Cathedral.

'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Kitty Green twice last month.'

The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'

Soon thereafter, another Scottish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Kitty Green twice a week for the past two months.'

This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Kitty Green?'

'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied.

'Very well,' sighed the priest.. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.

At mass the next Christmas morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, Voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary.

The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.

The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.

The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Kitty Green?'

The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, 'No Father... I think it's just a reflection off her shoes'.

dirtbanker

04-29-2017, 08:01 AM

He was a widower and she a widow.

They had known each other for a number of years being high school classmates and having attended class
reunions in the past without fail.

This 60th anniversary of their class, the widower and the widow made a foursome with two other singles.

They had a wonderful evening, their spirits high.

The widower throwing admiring glances across the table. The widow smiling coyly back at him.

Finally, he picked up courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"

After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered,

"Yes,..... yes I will!"

The evening ended on a happy note for the widower. But the next morning he was troubled.

Did she say “Yes” or did she say “No?”

He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. He went over the conversation of the previous evening,
but his mind was blank.

He remembered asking the question but for the life of him could not recall her response. With fear and trepidation he picked
up the phone and called her.

First, he explained that he couldn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the past evening.
As he gained a little more courage he then inquired of her. "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say “Yes” or did
you say “No?”

"Why you silly man, I said ‘Yes. Yes I will.’ And I meant it with all my heart."

The widower was delighted. He felt his heart skip a beat.

Then she continued. "And I am so glad you called because I couldn't remember who asked me!”

dirtbanker

04-29-2017, 08:07 AM

The manager had put together the perfect team for the Baltimore Ravens. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN, he saw a war-zone scene in the West Bank. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away. KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney. KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph. BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" the manager said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!" So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Ravens go on to win the Super Bowl. The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his Mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!" "I don't want to talk to you," the old woman says." You are not my son!" "I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses and then tearfully says,

"I will never forgive you for making us move to Baltimore !!!!

dirtbanker

04-29-2017, 08:10 AM

A young Texan grew up wanting to be a lawman.

He grew up big, 6' 2", strong as a longhorn, and fast as a mustang. He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in the air at 40 paces.

When he finally came of age, he applied to where he had only dreamed of working: a West Texas Sheriff's Department.

After a series of tests and interviews, the Chief Deputy finally called him into his office for the young man's last interview.

The Chief Deputy said, "You're a big strong kid and you can really shoot. So far your qualifications all look good, but we have, what you might call, an "Attitude Suitability Test", that you must take before you can be accepted.

We just don't let anyone carry our badge, son."

Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, the Chief said, "Take this pistol and go out and shoot:

six illegal aliens,
six lawyers,
six meth dealers,
six Muslim extremists,
six Democrats,
and a rabbit."

"Why the rabbit?" queried the applicant.

"You pass," said the Chief Deputy. "When can you start?"

dirtbanker

04-29-2017, 08:13 AM

A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.
Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, stuttering she asks the sales clerk, 'Dddoo youu hhhave ddiilldos?'
The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies, 'Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models.'
The old woman then asks, 'Dddddoo yyyouu ccaarry a pppinkk onne, tttenn inchessss llong aand aabbout twoo inchess ththiick...aaand rruns by bbaatteries?
The clerk responds, 'Yes we do'
She asks, ‘Dddoo yyoooouu kknnoooww hhhow ttoo ttturrrnnn ttthe ssunoooffabbitch offffff?

dirtbanker

04-29-2017, 08:21 AM

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.

After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked,

Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?

The rabbi responded, Yes, that is still one of our laws.

The priest then asked, Have you ever eaten pork?

To which the rabbi replied,

Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest,

Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?

The priest replied, Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith

The rabbi then asked him, Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?

The priest replied, Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my Faith.

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, and sat thinking, for about five minutes.

Finally, the rabbi said,

Beats the hell out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?

dirtbanker

04-29-2017, 08:24 AM

With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.
'May I see the new baby?' I asked.
'Not yet,' she said. "I'll make coffee
and we can visit for a while first.
Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked,
'May I see the new baby now?'
'No, not yet,' She said.
After another few minutes had elapsed,
I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'
'No, not yet,' replied my friend.
Growing very impatient, I asked,
'Well, when can I see the baby?
'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.
'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded.
'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?
'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?!’

dirtbanker

04-29-2017, 08:27 AM

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up.

One is a old retiree in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them, “I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion.

He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history.

“Here's your equipment--chair, whip and a gun.

“Who wants to try out first?”

The girl says, “I'll go first."

She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage.

The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her.

About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles.

He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. “I've never seen a display like that in my life.”

He turns to the old retiree and asks, “Can you top that?”

The old retiree says, “No problem, just get that lion out of the cage and let me in.”

dirtbanker

04-29-2017, 08:44 AM

Yesterday I was at Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Necco, the Wonder Dog, which weighs 191 lbs. I was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant?

So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is, to load your jacket pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me.

Taltarzac725

04-29-2017, 09:01 AM

Brian Rudman: Comeuppance for a toxic troll (http://m.nzherald.co.nz/nz/news/article.cfm?c_id=1&objectid=11155976)

A cyberbully gets his payback.

dirtbanker

04-29-2017, 09:16 AM

An elderly couple, had just learned how to send text messages on their mobile phones.

The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.

One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee.

She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:
"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."

The husband texted back to her: "I'm on the toilet. Please advise."

dirtbanker

04-29-2017, 11:07 AM

A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store.

The store clerk called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor.

The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency

Open heart bypass surgery.

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the

Catholic Hospital. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard

Loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was going to

Pay for his treatment.

"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.

He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"

He replied, "No money in the bank."

Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?"

Asked the irritated nun.

He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters!

Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."

dirtbanker

04-30-2017, 07:44 AM

George W Bush and Bill Clinton somehow ended up at the same barber shop.

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.

As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Clinton in his chair reached for the aftershave. Clinton was quick to stop him saying, “No thanks, my wife Hillary will smell that and think I’ve been in a whorehouse.”

The second barber turned to Bush and said, “How about you sir?” Bush replied, “Go ahead; my wife doesn’t know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.”

dirtbanker

04-30-2017, 07:48 AM

A U. S. Navy destroyer stops four Mexicans in a rowboat inside the 12-mile-limit of California .

The Navy Captain gets on the loud-hailer and shouts, "Ahoy, small craft. Where are you headed?"

One of the Mexicans puts down his oar, stands up, and shouts, "We are invading the United States of America ! to reclaim territory taken by the USA during the 1800's."

The entire crew of the destroyer doubles-over in laughter.

When the Captain is finally able to catch his breath, he gets back on the loud-hailer and asks, "Just the four of you?"

The same Mexican stands up again and shouts, "No, we're the last four. The rest are already there!"

dirtbanker

04-30-2017, 07:53 AM

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a
stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor
had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him
about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you
been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured
himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in
the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he
dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was
told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay
of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to
go upstairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her
husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN,
DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'

Dutchman

04-30-2017, 04:28 PM

60th High School Class Reunion...

He was a widower and she a widow. They had known each other for a number of years, having been high school classmates and having attended class reunions in the past without fail.

This 60th anniversary of their class, the widower and the widow made a foursome with two other singles. They had a wonderful evening, their spirits high, with the widower throwing admiring glances across the table and the widow smiling coyly back at him.

Finally, during one dance, he picked up courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?” After about 6 seconds of careful consideration, she answered, "Yes, yes I will!"

Needless to say, the evening ended on a happy note for the widower. However, the next morning he was troubled. Did she say “Yes" or did she say ‘No‘? He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. He went over-and-over the conversation of the previous evening, but his mind was blank. He remembered asking the question, but for the life of him could not recall her response.

With fear and trepidation, he picked up the phone and called her. First, he explained that he couldn't remember as well as he used to Then he reviewed the past evening. As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say “Yes" or did you say “No”?

"Why, you silly man." she replied, I said Yes. Yes, I will! And I meant it with all my heart!"

The widower was delighted. He felt his heart skip a beat.

Then she continued. "And I'm so glad you called. I couldn't remember who asked me!"

dirtbanker

04-30-2017, 05:43 PM

Vern works hard at the Phone Company but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every
Saturday. His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local Strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Vern! How ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Vern. "He's in my bowling league."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Vern if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Vern, starts to rub herself all over him and says...
"Hi Vern. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Vern's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Vern follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Vern tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book...

The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Vern, you picked up a real bitch this time.'

VERN'S FUNERAL WILL BE HELD THIS COMING FRIDAY.

dirtbanker

04-30-2017, 07:30 PM

A little boy goes shopping with his mother and is waiting right outside of the ladies dressing room for his mom to come out.

While waiting, the little boy gets bored and just when his mom comes walking out, she sees her son sliding his hand up a mannequin's skirt.

"Get your hand out of there!" she shouts. "Don't you know that women have teeth down there?"

The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars he didn't get bitten.

For the next ten years, this little boy grows up believing all women have teeth between their legs. When he's 16, he gets a girlfriend.

One night, while her parents are out of town, she invites him over. After an hour of making out and grinding on the sofa, she says, "You know, you could go a little further if you want."

"What do you mean?" he asks.

"Well, why don't you put your hand down there?" she says, pointing to her crotch.

"HELL NO!" he cries, "You've got teeth down here!"

"Don't be ridiculous," she responds, "There's no such thing as teeth*down there!"

"Yes there are," he says, "My mom told me."

"No there aren't," she insists. "Here, look for yourself."

With that, she pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek.

"No I' m sorry" he says. "My mom already told me that ALL women have teeth down there."

"Oh for crying out loud!" she cries. She whips off her panties, throws her legs behind her head and says, "LOOK, I DON'T have any teeth down there."

The boy takes a good long look and replies, "Well, after seeing the condition of those gums, I'm not surprised!"

dirtbanker

05-01-2017, 05:58 AM

Hello?'

'Hi, honey.
This is Daddy.
Is Mommy near the phone?'

'No, Daddy.
She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'

After a brief pause, Daddy says;
'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'

'Oh, yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now.'

Brief Pause.

'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.
Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs,
knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy
that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'

'Okay, Daddy, just a minute.'

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.

'I did it, Daddy.'

'And what happened, honey?'

'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then, she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser
and now she isn't moving at all!'

'Oh, my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'

'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.
He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'

Long Pause

Then Daddy says,

Swimming pool? ...........

Is this 486-5731?'

No, I think you have the wrong number ...

dirtbanker

05-01-2017, 06:03 AM

WARNING: "Don't try this at home"!

http://www.liveleak.com/ll_embed?f=bd6b41971375

dirtbanker

05-01-2017, 09:01 AM

Paddy was walking along the street during his once-in-a-lifetime visit to New York when he rounds a corner and there's a high rise building on fire.

Paddy, ever the kind-hearted and resourceful Irishman, runs up to the building to see if he can help and notices people trapped five stories up.

Paddy yells to the people, "I'm Paddy Michael Fitzpatrick, an Irish Fire Fighter on holiday. I'm also a Rugby Union fullback! If you jump, I'll catch you!"

One lady, in desperation, jumps and sure enough Paddy catches her.

Then a man sees that Paddy catches the woman and jumps. Sure enough, Paddy catches him as well.

Then OJ Simpson jumps out and crashes to the sidewalk. Paddy didn't even attempt to catch him.

Paddy looks up and yells, "Don't be throwin' down the burnt ones...!!!!"

dirtbanker

05-02-2017, 06:29 AM

One dark night in Thief River, Minnesota, a fire started inside the local plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.

When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate.

As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.

From the distance, a lone squeaky siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight... It was the nearby Swedish rural township, volunteer fire company from Nort of Gully composed mainly of Swedes over the age of 65.

To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant.. Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno.

Outside, the other firemen watched as the heroic Swede old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire and fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the Swedish old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas.

The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.

The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief, "What are you going to do with all that money? "Vell," said Oscar Peterson, the 70-year-old fire chief, "Da first ting ve's gonna do is fix da brakes on dat focking truck!"

dirtbanker

05-02-2017, 06:37 AM

A Polish blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. So she left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point. The blonde came to the door and the milkman said,
"I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you
mean 2.5 gallons?"

The blonde said, "No, I want 25 gallons.
I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can
look young and beautiful again." The milkman asked, "Do you want it*pasteurized?"

The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits.
I can splash it on my eyes."

dirtbanker

05-02-2017, 07:01 AM

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class
that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la Casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is*'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the
class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether 'computer' should be a masculinem or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should
definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal
logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with
other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term
memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find
yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn
them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for
themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but
half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if
you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

affald

05-02-2017, 07:20 AM

Great jokes

affald

05-02-2017, 07:22 AM

Excellent joke

Taltarzac725

05-02-2017, 08:27 AM

...https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20170502/6623a52b1d90925f75f8d6c751a6ba49.jpg

Little Jack (******* scene from Meet The Fockers) - YouTube (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OXRBELZpKak)

Offal!

Taltarzac725

05-02-2017, 08:29 AM

Admits he is the original wackadoodle...lol

I would not expose my children or grandchildren to your wackadoodle self.

Get a job.

Little Jack (******* scene from Meet The Fockers) - YouTube (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OXRBELZpKak)

Get a heart!

affald

05-02-2017, 08:31 AM

Another funny joke. Keep it up.

Taltarzac725

05-02-2017, 08:38 AM

Haha, did you unblock to do your research?

Cyber Harassment-Internet Defamation & Internet Trolls (https://www.ipredator.co/cyber-harassment/)

Two months of cyber harassment by affald.

Taltarzac725

05-02-2017, 08:38 AM

Haha, did you unblock to do your research?

Cyber Harassment-Internet Defamation & Internet Trolls (https://www.ipredator.co/cyber-harassment/)

Two months of cyber harassment by affald.

5 Ways to Handle and Prevent Cyber-Harassment - ABC News (http://abcnews.go.com/Technology/We_Find_Them/ways-handle-prevent-cyber-harassment/story?id=15973742)

Taltarzac725

05-02-2017, 08:42 AM

affald

05-02-2017, 08:42 AM

Great thread. Funny jokes.

Taltarzac725

05-02-2017, 08:44 AM

What’s Illegal and what’s not when it comes to cyber-harassment. | Rise and Stand Inc (http://www.riseandstand.net/whats-illegal-and-whats-not-when-it-comes-to-cyber-harassment/)

A little more information.

wiredsafety (http://www.wiredsafety.com/adult-cyber-harassment-and-cyberstalking)

Another link.

Taltarzac725

05-02-2017, 08:47 AM

So you unblock to tell me to get a heart?

Many months ago I give you option one, stop saying bad things about pro Trump posters.

Since then I plead with you on many occasions, ignore me, i ignore you. Like a spoiled child, you refuse again and again.

Do you now see what is wrong with your retarded logic?

You want to say what you want about others, but at the same time want your wackadoodle shield.

You have no real friends! They all pm me and say to ignore the wackadoodle, he is special needs.

I will give you your wackadoodle shield, now you must agree to both..

Do not attack Trump supporters and ignore me!

I have a right to criticize Donald John Trump and his supporters you have no right to harass me online for months with repeated personal attacks online.

I will not agree with you about anything as you are a liar and a bully. And not even a clever troll at that. Stop harassing me *******!

Taltarzac725

05-02-2017, 08:52 AM

I have a right to criticize Donald John Trump and his supporters you have no right to harass me online for months with repeated personal attacks online.

I will not agree with you about anything as you are a liar and a bully. And not even a clever troll at that. Stop harassing me *******!

Cyberstalking Attorney in Tampa, Hillsborough County, FL (http://www.criminaldefenseattorneytampa.com/violent-crimes/cyberstalking/)

That's defense. Will have to find the other side.

Taltarzac725

05-02-2017, 08:54 AM

Cyberstalking Attorney in Tampa, Hillsborough County, FL (http://www.criminaldefenseattorneytampa.com/violent-crimes/cyberstalking/)

That's defense. Will have to find the other side.

The Florida Courts Cyberstalking Laws Checklist- Let us Help You STOP Harassment and Bullying! - Weidner Law (https://mattweidnerlaw.com/the-florida-courts-cyberstalking-checklist-let-us-help-you-stop-cyberstalking-and-bullying/)

This may be one for me.

Jack9696

05-02-2017, 09:13 AM

Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire?
A: Frostbite!

Jack9696

05-02-2017, 09:14 AM

Q: What do you call cheese that's not yours?
A: Nacho cheese!

dirtbanker

05-02-2017, 12:08 PM

Olof Swenson, out in his pasture in northern Minnesota, takes a lightning-quick kick from a cow...right in his crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground.

As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor. He said 'How bad is it Doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next veek and my fiance, Lena , is still a Virgin - in every vay.'

The doctor told him, 'Olof, I'll have to put your willy in a splint to let it heal, and keep it straight. It should be okay next week, but leave it in there as long as you can. He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together...quite an impressive work of art.

Olof mentions none of this to Lena, marries her, and they go on their honeymoon to Duluth ..

That night in the Motel 6, Lena rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful, untouched breasts. She said, 'Olof...you' re the first vun! No vun has EVER seen deez.'

Olof immediately drops his pants and replies,
'Look at dis Lena ...still in DA CRATE!

Taltarzac725

05-02-2017, 12:10 PM

‘Wackadoodle’ Makes It To The Oxford English Dictionary | Anglophenia | BBC America (http://www.bbcamerica.com/anglophenia/2014/03/wackadoodle-makes-oxford-english-dictionary)

Pretty clear whom this whole thread is aimed at with respect to harassment. That's my library thread.

Taltarzac725

05-02-2017, 12:12 PM

Most of us have traded insults on this board. I would like to suggest we can trade some laughs too.

If you have a joke to share, please feel free to contribute. If you want to whine, or attack the other posters, please do it in one of the other threads.

Pretty clear whom this thread is meant to upset. Started by dirtbanker. Childish harassment with some x-rated jokes you can find anywhere on the Internet.

Really low class and has nothing to do with Politics. My library thread is about my experiences with one of the most heavily publicized murders in Northern Nevada history-- the Michelle Mitchell 2-24-1976 murder near the University of Nevada, Reno campus-- and then my desire to help my fellow Earl Wooster High School students cope with the investigation, arrest, press, trial, etc. And then how the powers that be in 1991 dealt with my criticisms of legal education and respect for survivors/victims of crimes. Among the people I had worked with while a law librarian were the Law Librarian of Congress and a woman with connections to President Barack Obama. Tenuous connections but there. And my bugging many Presidents and First Ladies to do something about this problem along with many US State Governors, US State Attorney Generals, the US Attorney General, US Senators, US Representatives, State Speakers of the House, State Senate Presidents, etc. Very very political.

dirtbanker

05-02-2017, 12:33 PM

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she
kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend....I understand he took to drinking right after
we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

dirtbanker

05-02-2017, 12:34 PM

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

Taltarzac725

05-02-2017, 12:46 PM

"You started your campaign by accusing Mexicans of being rapists. Now you're on tape explaining how you sexually assault women. The only way you could be more hypocritical is if you said it in Spanish." –Michael Che on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

Very funny and actually political.

Taltarzac725

05-02-2017, 12:48 PM

There are schizophrenics with Tourette's who have more control over what comes out of their mouths than Donald Trump.―Bill Maher
Donald Trump is "the kind of person who goes to the Super Bowl and thinks the people in the huddle are talking about him."―Eric Schneiderman
Donald Trump likes to say he's a friend to "the blacks." Unless the Blacks are a family of white people, I'm guessing he's mistaken.―Seth Meyers
This is what I've been waiting for my whole life. A President who's not afraid to tell the truth about being a lying a$$hole!―Lewis Black

Some more.

Taltarzac725

05-02-2017, 12:50 PM

In an exclusive interview with the Christian Broadcasting Network, Donald Trump said, "I believe in God." But of course The Donald was talking about HIMSELF.―Jay Leno
Maybe he should ease into this ... by running for a lower office first, like President of the Hair Club for Men.―Jimmy Kimmel
Here's the thing about Donald Trump: he never apologizes; he's never wrong no matter what crazy thing he says. He's the white Kanye.―Bill Maher
Donald Trump showed his birth certificate to reporters. Who cares about his birth certificate? I want to know if that thing on his head has had its vaccinations.―Craig Ferguson
Donald Trump may be running for president. He said he's sick and tired of the rest of the world laughing at the United States. Well, President Trump will certainly put an end to that!―David Letterman

And, indeed, Mr. Letterman, he already has! No one is laughing about Trump now, except the jackals and hyenas lining up to feast on the corpses he leaves in his wake.

Very amusing.

dirtbanker

05-02-2017, 02:34 PM

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me
that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first,
the shed, the boat, making beer...always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,
busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched
silently for a short time and then went into the house....was gone
only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I'll walk again, but I will always have a limp.

dirtbanker

05-02-2017, 02:40 PM

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots,But they only know to say one thing.'

'What do they say?' the priest asked.

They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed,

Then he thought for a moment.....

'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible...

Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.

My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship,
And your parrots are sure to stop saying... That phrase... In no time.'

'Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'

The next day, She brought her female parrots to the priest's house....

As he ushered her in, She saw that his two male parrots
were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying...

Impressed, She walked over and placed her parrots in with them...

After a few minutes, The female parrots cried out in unison:

Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

There was stunned silence...

Shocked, One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and says,

'Put the beads away, Frank,
Our prayers have been answered!

dirtbanker

05-02-2017, 06:11 PM

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's how the fight started...

MDLNB

05-03-2017, 04:10 AM

What do you call it when a chicken sees a salad?

Chicken Caesar Salad.

dirtbanker

05-03-2017, 06:04 AM

A Scottish woman went to the local newspaper office to publish the obituary for her recently deceased husband.

The obit editor informed her that there is a charge of 50 cents per word.

She paused, reflected, and then said, "Well then, let it read, "Angus MacPherson died."

Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor told her that there is a seven word minimum for all obituaries.

She thought it over and in a few seconds said, "In that case, let it read........

"Angus MacPherson died. Golf clubs for sale.”

dirtbanker

05-03-2017, 06:09 AM

A teacher goes around her class asking each of the kids what do they need
at home?

Joey says "A computer." The teacher replies, "That would be very useful."

Jimmy says "A new lawn mower", and gets a similar response.

Little Jose pops up and says "At my house we don't need nothing!"

The teacher asks him to think again carefully, as everybody needs something.

Little Jose replies, "No I'm sure. When Trump was elected, I remember my dad saying, 'Well, that's the last thing we needed' ".

dirtbanker

05-03-2017, 07:25 AM

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio,
and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered,
"The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 7 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

dirtbanker

05-03-2017, 08:41 AM

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house.

To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want it, you take it.'

For three days the fridge sat there without anyone looking twice.

He eventually decided that people were too mistrustful of this deal. So he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.'

The next day someone stole it!

Taltarzac725

05-03-2017, 09:04 AM

12. “Here's the thing about Donald Trump: he never apologizes; he's never wrong no matter what crazy thing he says. He's the white Kanye.”―Bill Maher

13. “He was even forced into the ultimate act of degradation— starring in his own reality show. And soon the top-rated TV show in the nation starred a total ******* torturing people who were stupid enough to work with him.”–Seth McFarlane

14. “But folks, on a serious point, Trump said he likes ‘people who don’t get captured. What a terrible thing to say about my friend and a genuine war hero, John McCain. So tonight I call on Donald Trump to be a man of his word – and release Chris Christie right now.”—Joe Biden

15. “Say what you will about Trump, he is not stupid. He is a smart man with a deep understanding of what stupid people want.”―Andy Borowitz

16. “Donald Trump showed his birth certificate to reporters. Who cares about his birth certificate? I want to know if that thing on his head has had its vaccinations.”―Craig Ferguson

17. “Trump says— he says he's gonna run for president in 2012. But if his plan for America is to fire everyone, he's about two years too late.”–Seth McFarlane

18. “Americans have been mishearing The Donald: what he actually said is that he will make America grate again, after which many of them will migrate again.”―Michael R. Burch

Release Chris Christie. :BigApplause:

Taltarzac725

05-03-2017, 09:10 AM

19. “I say that knowing every time his name is said out loud, he has a shattering orgasm... Donald Trump is America’s back mole. It may have seemed harmless a year ago, but now that it’s become frighteningly bigger, it’s no longer wise to ignore it."–John Oliver

20. “Donald Trump has had several foreign wives. It turns out that there are really are jobs Americans won't do.”–Mitt Romney

21. “Tonight, we honor a self-made millionaire. He started with nothing, worked hard, and made a fortune. That man is Fred Trump, Donald's dad.”–Seth McFarlane

22. “The Trump virus’s primary effect is twofold: First, it implants in its hosts the unshakable conviction that one of the most execrable clowns in the history of these United States is a hero who deserves to be elevated to the White House; then, having inculcated the conceit, it removes the faculties that are necessary for its removal.”—Charles Cooke

23. “Donald Trump, without a doubt, you're a New York landmark. Which means it will only be a matter of time before you bulldoze yourself and put up some gaudy, tacky monstrosity, and put your name on it.”—Larry King

24. “I've heard word that Donald Trump has done so much damage to the New York Skyline, that instead of calling him the Donald, they should call him the 20th hijacker.”–Gilbert Godfried

25. “Donald Trump is here tonight. Now I know that he’s taken some flak lately. But no one is happier—no one is prouder—to put this birth certificate matter to rest than The Donald. And that’s because he can finally get back to focusing on the issues that matter: Like, did we fake the moon landing? What really happened in Roswell? And where are Biggie and Tupac?”—Barack Obama

26. “Donald, I'm not sure if you're even aware of this, but the only difference between you and Michael Douglas from the movie, Wall Street, is that no one's going to be sad when you get cancer.”—Anthony Jeselnik

27. “Now Donald said he wants to run for President and move on into the White House. Why not? It wouldn't be the first time he pushed a black family out of their home.”–Snoop Dogg

Really like these.

dirtbanker

05-03-2017, 09:19 AM

A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding... Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed. He tried a fourth time with the same result. He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace...

Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt..

dirtbanker

05-03-2017, 09:25 AM

Ole is the Pastor of the local Norwegian Lutheran Church and Pastor Sven is the minister of the Swedish Covenant Church across the road.
One day they are seen pounding a sign into the ground, which said:

DA END ISS NEAR!
TURN YERSELF AROUNT NOW
BAFOR IT ISS TOO LATE!

As a car speeds past them, the driver leans out his window and yells, "Leave people alone, you Skandihoovian religious nuts!"

From the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash.

Shakin' his head, Rev. Ole says "Dat's da terd one dis mornin'."

"Yaa," Pastor Sven agrees, then asks, "Do ya tink maybe da sign should yust say, 'Bridge Out?'"

RickeyD

05-03-2017, 01:42 PM

Harassment. Use of wackadoodle and library thread. Very inappropriate jokes too as some high school and junior high school kids might be looking at this now or at some future date.

Sorry, no trademark infringement here.

Taltarzac725

05-03-2017, 01:46 PM

28. “Nearly 70 percent of Americans said a Trump presidency would make them 'anxious.' And 30 percent said a Trump presidency would make them 'Canadian.'”–Conan O'Brien

29. “At a rally over the weekend, Donald Trump was surrounded by Secret Service agents after a man tried to rush the stage. The Secret Service said the man was dangerous and disturbed, but they had to protect him anyway. Proving once and for all, the best way to keep everyone safe and sound is to build a wall around Donald Trump.”–Jimmy Fallon

30. “At a rally in Las Vegas last night Donald Trump told supporters he'd like to punch protesters in the face. Though he looks more like the kind of guy who would stroke a white cat while somebody else punched you in the face.”—Seth Meyers

31. “Teddy Roosevelt spoke softly and carried a big stick; Donald Trump speaks loudly and carries a big shtick.”―Michael R. Burch

32. “Donald Trump likes to sue people. He should sue whoever did that to his face.”—Marco Rubio

33. “Analysts say Hillary Clinton's plan to defeat Donald Trump involves painting Trump as 'dangerous and bigoted.' She plans on doing this by quoting Trump accurately.”—Conan O'Brien

34. “By the way, Donald, it's pronounced ‘huge,’ not ‘eyuge.’ Also, it's pronounced ‘I am ****ing delusional,’ not ‘I am running for President.’”—Seth McFarlane

35. “At a Donald Trump rally the other night, a supporter shouted out the Nazi salute 'Sieg Heil!' Trump immediately responded, 'There is no place for that here – save it for my inauguration.'”—Conan O'Brien

36. “A protester had to be escorted out of a Donald Trump rally last night for yelling, 'Trump's a racist.' The protester was removed because the Trump campaign has that phrase copyrighted.”—Seth Meyers

37. “A new study claims the stress of being president takes three years off your life. So suddenly everyone is thinking of voting for Trump.”—Conan O'Brien

38. “Stupid presidents, smart presidents, white presidents, black presidents — doesn't work! What this country needs is a crazy Third World dictator. And Donald Trump has what it takes to be that. He's already got a plane with his name on it, solid gold buildings, a harem…”—Lewis Black

39. “After he won yesterday's Nevada caucus, Donald Trump said, 'I love the poorly educated.' Trump then said, 'And when I'm president there'll be more of them than ever.'” —Conan O'Brien

40. “Donald Trump said that he's not going to the Fox News debate, because moderator Megyn Kelly is biased against him. And Trump has a right to be scared, because usually when a younger, attractive woman disagrees with him, she ends up taking half his stuff.”—Jimmy Fallon

41. “You've ruined more models' lives than bulimia. You've disappointed more women than Sex and the City 2."—Lisa Lampanelli

42. “If Donald Trump wins, my guess is America will look a lot like it did in 'Back to the Future 2,' when Biff was in charge.”–Jimmy Kimmel

43. “Donald Trump announced today that he is running for president. And based on the amount of bronzer he uses, he's also running for president of the Spokane NAACP.”—Seth Meyers

More Donald Trump jokes.

RickeyD

05-03-2017, 01:52 PM

Pretty clear whom this thread is meant to upset. Started by dirtbanker. Childish harassment with some x-rated jokes you can find anywhere on the Internet.

Really low class and has nothing to do with Politics. My library thread is about my experiences with one of the most heavily publicized murders in Northern Nevada history-- the Michelle Mitchell 2-24-1976 murder near the University of Nevada, Reno campus-- and then my desire to help my fellow Earl Wooster High School students cope with the investigation, arrest, press, trial, etc. And then how the powers that be in 1991 dealt with my criticisms of legal education and respect for survivors/victims of crimes. Among the people I had worked with while a law librarian were the Law Librarian of Congress and a woman with connections to President Barack Obama. Tenuous connections but there. And my bugging many Presidents and First Ladies to do something about this problem along with many US State Governors, US State Attorney Generals, the US Attorney General, US Senators, US Representatives, State Speakers of the House, State Senate Presidents, etc. Very very political.

///

Taltarzac725

05-03-2017, 02:02 PM

47. “That’s what he’s best at. Putting a bow on a turd, marking up the price, and selling it so hard, you want it—even though you know it’s just a turd with a bow on it. America is that turd!”—Lewis Black

48. “Donald Trump said yesterday that if he's elected, he would 'probably not talk as much.' That's right, if Donald Trump is elected, even HE will be speechless.”—Seth Meyers

49. “It’s safe to say everything Trump touches turns to gold. Especially the Miss Teen U.S.A. contestants he pees on.”—Seth McFarlane

50. “Hillary Clinton said she went to Donald Trump's wedding but didn't give him a gift. Trump said, 'Just for that, you're not coming to my next three weddings.'”—Conan O'Brien

51. “Donald Trump has canceled a planned trip to Israel. When asked why, Trump said, 'They already have a wall and a fear of Muslims. My work there is done.'”—Conan O'Brien

52. “A word association poll found the words most associated with Donald Trump are idiot, jerk, stupid, and dumb. In other words, he really could be our next president. He's got everything it takes.”—Conan O'Brien

53. “A new poll released today shows Donald Trump is leading the Republican field with 24 percent. How far are we going to let this go? It's almost Thanksgiving. Trump is still leading. Next thing you know, he's winning Iowa, then he takes New Hampshire, then he somehow actually becomes the Republican nominee. And before you know it, Hillary Clinton is president!”—Seth Meyers

54. “Just got told exactly what Donald Trump is going to do Monday at the RNC. Mother of God. We are finally living in IDIOCRACY.”—Patton Oswalt

55. “A new study of the candidates' Facebook fans found that Donald Trump's fans have the worst grammar. Which isn't surprising, since Trump's whole campaign has been one, big run-on sentence. 'We need to build a wall and fix the economy and get back at China and Rosie O'Donnell and I'm very rich and here's a red hat and...'”—Jimmy Fallon

56. “I do think Donald Trump is honest in his own way. He is honestly an egomaniacal billionaire.” –Stephen Colbert

57. “Today Donald Trump signed a loyalty pledge to the Republican Party saying that he would endorse for president whoever wins the Republican nomination and would not run as a third-party candidate as he has threatened to in the past. And I'll tell you something. When Donald Trump makes a vow, he keeps it. Ask any of his wives, they will tell you.” –Jimmy Kimmel

More Donald Trump jokes.

Taltarzac725

05-03-2017, 02:02 PM

Sean Spicer sure is an idiot.

Taltarzac725

05-03-2017, 02:06 PM

That's A Moron - Parody of Dean Martin "That's Amore" by Al Mahan - YouTube (https://youtu.be/l-w-mWhIWEM)

Quite funny.

Taltarzac725

05-03-2017, 02:43 PM

23. “Donald Trump, without a doubt, you're a New York landmark. Which means it will only be a matter of time before you bulldoze yourself and put up some gaudy, tacky monstrosity, and put your name on it.”—Larry King

24. “I've heard word that Donald Trump has done so much damage to the New York Skyline, that instead of calling him the Donald, they should call him the 20th hijacker.”–Gilbert Godfried

25. “Donald Trump is here tonight. Now I know that he’s taken some flak lately. But no one is happier—no one is prouder—to put this birth certificate matter to rest than The Donald. And that’s because he can finally get back to focusing on the issues that matter: Like, did we fake the moon landing? What really happened in Roswell? And where are Biggie and Tupac?”—Barack Obama

26. “Donald, I'm not sure if you're even aware of this, but the only difference between you and Michael Douglas from the movie, Wall Street, is that no one's going to be sad when you get cancer.”—Anthony Jeselnik

27. “Now Donald said he wants to run for President and move on into the White House. Why not? It wouldn't be the first time he pushed a black family out of their home.”–Snoop Dogg

More Donald jokes. And that's not Donald Duck.

Taltarzac725

05-03-2017, 02:45 PM

43. “Donald Trump announced today that he is running for president. And based on the amount of bronzer he uses, he's also running for president of the Spokane NAACP.”—Seth Meyers

44. “Despite Donald Trump's tough stance on immigration, Trump Modeling Agency is being accused of hiring lower-paid foreign models. In his defense, Trump says those aren't laborers, those are 'future wives.'”—Conan O'Brien

45. “Donald Trump has claimed that his candidacy is fueling more interest in voting. More people are signing up to vote. Just like herpes fuels more interest in Valtrex, for instance.”—Jimmy Kimmel

46. “The very fact that he’s so sensitive about [his fingers] is absolutely hilarious, as is the fact that those notes were apparently written in gold Sharpie, which is so quintessentially Donald Trump: something that gives the passing appearance of wealth, but is really just a cheap tool.”—John Oliver

Missed a few before.

MDLNB

05-03-2017, 03:46 PM

Q: What is Bill's definition of safe sex?
A: When Hillary is out of town

MDLNB

05-03-2017, 03:47 PM

Q: Why does Hillary want to have sex with Bill Clinton first thing in the morning?
A: She wants to be the first lady

MDLNB

05-03-2017, 03:47 PM

Q: What do you get when you cross a crooked politician with a crooked lawyer?
A: Chelsea

MDLNB

05-03-2017, 03:48 PM

Q: Why does Hillary prefer dogs to Bill Clinton?
A: A dog chases his own tail

MDLNB

05-03-2017, 03:49 PM

Q: Did you hear about the 11th Commandment Hilary Clinton introduced?
A: Thou shall not expose thy rod to thy staff

MDLNB

05-03-2017, 03:54 PM

Donald and Hillary Go Into A Bakery on the Campaign Trail.

As soon as they enter the bakery, Hillary steals three pastries and puts them in her pocket.

She says to Donald, “See how clever I am? The owner didn’t see anything and I don’t even need to lie. I will definitely win the election.”

The Donald says to Hillary, “That’s the typical dishonesty you have displayed throughout your entire life, trickery and deceit. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result.”

Donald goes to the owner of the bakery and says, “Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick.”

Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry.

Trump swallows it and asks for another one.

The owner gives him another one.

Then Donald asks for a third pastry and eats that, too.

The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, “What did you do with the pastries?”

Trump replies, “Look in Hillary’s pocket”…

RickeyD

05-03-2017, 04:01 PM

This beautiful girl went to her doctor complaining about pain in all her joints. The Doctor went through a whole series of tests and couldn't find anything wrong with her. After he had explained this to her he said: "There has to be something else, have you recently changed anything in your lifestyle"? She said, "Well, the only thing I know of is that I started making love Doggie Style, could that be causing it"? The Doctor said, "Maybe, why don't you stop it and see if you improve"? She said, "I can't stop, that's the only way my dog knows how to fuuck.

MDLNB

05-03-2017, 04:07 PM

Elizabeth Warren says that she's troubled by Barack Obama's $400000 speaking fees. Not Hillary Clinton though. Hillary's just jealous as hell.

MDLNB

05-03-2017, 04:08 PM

At Variety’s Power of Women event, Saturday Night Live member Vanessa Bayer noted that Chelsea Clinton’s mother, Hillary Clinton, isn't President.

But for that matter, neither is Chelsea's father.

MDLNB

05-03-2017, 04:08 PM

Q. Why hasn't Hillary Clinton filed her income tax return yet?

A. Her W-2s from Saudi Arabia are still being translated.

MDLNB

05-03-2017, 04:17 PM

One of the Senate Chaplains, a very old Catholic priest, suffers a massive heart attack on the Senate floor. As they prepare to rush him to a hospital he whispers a dying request to one of the Senate pages that Senators Hillary Clinton and Ted Kennedy accompany him in the ambulance. Aware of the flashing of press cameras and bright glare of the TV lights, the two Senators hold the priest's hands as he is taken away.

One reporter corners the Senate page. "Wow, that was something. Did the priest say why he wanted Clinton and Kennedy to go with him in the ambulance?"

The page nodded. "Yes, the good Father said all his life he tried to emulate his Savior and if dying between two lying thieves was good enough for Jesus it was good enough for him."

MDLNB

05-03-2017, 04:17 PM

There's a funny story about how Bill and Hillary first met at Yale... it seems they were both dating the same woman.

MDLNB

05-03-2017, 04:20 PM

Dan Quayle, Newt Gingrich, and Bill Clinton are traveling in a car together in the midwest. A tornado comes along and whirls them up into the air and tosses them thousands of yards away.

When they come down and extract themselves from the vehicle, they realize they're in the land of Oz. They decide to go to see the Wizard of Oz.

Quayle says, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a brain."
Gingrich says, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a heart."
Clinton says, "Where's Dorothy?"

MDLNB

05-03-2017, 04:22 PM

Q: What does Clinton tell an intern when they leave his office?
A: Be sure not to hit your head on the desk.

MDLNB

05-03-2017, 04:23 PM

Bill Clinton and his driver were cruising along a country road one night when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly. Bill told his driver to go up to the farm house and explain to the owners what had happened.
About 1 hour later Bill sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn.
"What happened to you," asked Bill.
Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the Cigar and his 19 year old daughter made mad passionate love to me.
"My God, what did you tell them", asks Clinton.
The driver replied, "I'm Bill Clinton's driver, and I just killed the pig".

dirtbanker

05-03-2017, 09:06 PM

Mrs. Ravioli comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner. He lives with a female roommate, Maria.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate is.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates.''

About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl.

You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote an email:

Dear MaMa,

I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house ; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it.
But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Your Loving Son
Anthony

Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his MaMa which read:

Dear son,

I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her.
But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.

Your Loving MaMa

dirtbanker

05-04-2017, 07:16 AM

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.

The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'

The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.

dirtbanker

05-04-2017, 07:19 AM

One day, shortly after joining the PGA tour in 1965, Lee Trevino, a professional golfer and married man, was at his home in Dallas, Texas, mowing his front lawn as he always did.
A lady driving by in a big, shiny Cadillac stopped in front of his house, lowered the window and asked, "Excuse me, do you speak English?"
Lee responded, "Yes Ma'am, I do."
The lady then asked, "What do you charge to do yard work?"
Lee said, "Well, the lady in this house lets me sleep with her."
The lady hurriedly put the car into gear and sped off.

Taltarzac725

05-04-2017, 07:19 AM

Taltarzac725

05-04-2017, 07:21 AM

58. “In an exclusive interview with the Christian Broadcasting Network, Donald Trump said, ‘I believe in god.’ But of course The Donald was talking about Himself.”―Jay Leno

59. “Donald Trump said, 'There’s nobody that’s done so much for equality as I have.' That’s right, he said: 'In some states, I’m hated equally by blacks and Hispanics.'” –Conan O'Brien

60. “Republican hopeful Rick Perry this week compared Donald Trump to cancer. Which really isn't fair, because sometimes you can get rid of cancer.” –Seth Meyers

61. “On Saturday Donald Trump had some unkind words for Arizona Senator John McCain. Can you imagine being tortured 5 1/2 years in a Vietnamese prison camp, and then a man whose greatest war-time accomplishment was brokering a peace treaty on 'Celebrity Apprentice' between Gary Busey and Meat Loaf belittles you and calls you a loser?” –Jimmy Kimmel

62. “A guy with the worst spray tan in America is attacking me for putting on makeup.”—Marco Rubio

63. “After Donald Trump’s derogatory comments about immigrants, NBC has officially cancelled 'Celebrity Apprentice.' Think about it, Donald Trump isn’t even president yet, and he’s already made America a better place.”—Conan O'Brien

64. “Whatever you think about Marco Rubio and Ted Cruz, at least you basically know where they stand, but Trump’s opinions have been wildly inconsistent. He’s been pro-choice and pro-life, for and against assault weapon bans, in favor of both bringing Syrian refugees and deporting them out of the country, and that inconsistency has been troubling…This is the frontrunner for the Republican nomination advocating a war crime. And he might say he was joking or he’s changed his mind about any of these things, and private individuals are allowed to change their minds — we all do it — but when he’s sworn in as president on Jan. 20, 2017, on that day, his opinions are going to matter. And you will remember that date, because it’s the one that time travelers from the future will come back to try and stop the whole thing from happening.” —John Oliver

65. “Did you see Donald Trump's big announcement today? Trump is very confident. He could be the only presidential candidate to ever pick himself as a running mate.”—Jimmy Kimmel

66. “This is what I've been waiting for my whole life. A President who's not afraid to tell the truth about being a lying *******!”―Lewis Black

67. Are we really doing this Donald Trump thing? We’re really doing that as a country? He’s ****ed. I like to put my name in giant letters on everything I own as much as the next guy, but the only other people that do that are like 8-year-olds going to camp.”—Jon Stewart

68. “At this point Trump is the political equivalent of a phone sex operator. He's just whispering whatever dirty little racist fantasies Republicans want to hear.”—Michael Che

69. “Miss USA, for example, is owned by Donald Trump—a clown made of mummified foreskin and cotton candy.”—John Oliver

70. “Trump’s performance-art character is butch in the sense that certain gay icons are butch — bikers, cowboys, and the rest of the Village People — and appealing to certain men for similar reasons, one of which is overcompensation for threats against their virility.”—Kevin Williamson

71. “Arguing with Trump is sort of like dressing up an adorable toddler in a Viking outfit and listening to it say that he will raid my village and slaughter all in his path. It’s cute. It’s funny. Maybe it’s even vaguely disturbing if he goes on too long (“I shall hang you from the fence post as a blood eagle! And I have a boom-boom in my diaper, daddy!”). But, just as with Trump’s ranting, the one thing you don’t do is take it seriously.”—Jonah Goldberg

And some more Donald John Trump jokes.

Taltarzac725

05-04-2017, 07:24 AM

Donald Trump Press Conference Cold Open - SNL - YouTube (https://youtu.be/4_Gf0mGJfP8)

Still throw up a little in my mouth from seeing this. Donald John Trump as POTUS.

dirtbanker

05-04-2017, 07:44 AM

I was sitting at a stoplight yesterday, minding my own business, waiting on it to turn green.

A carload of young, loud Muslims, shouting anti-American slogans, stopped next to me.

The light changed, the Muslims shook their fists, hit the gas and darted off ahead of me.

Suddenly an 18-wheeler came speeding thru the intersection and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely.

For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, "Man, that could have been me!"

So, today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver.

dirtbanker

05-04-2017, 07:46 AM

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked right into his eyes and said, "I'd like to buy some cyanide".

"Why in the world do you need cyanide?", the pharmacist asked.

"I need it to poison my husband".

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law!"

"I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CAN NOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and said " You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

Taltarzac725

05-04-2017, 08:09 AM

A perv, a megalomaniacal fascist, a Russian spy and a con artist enter a bar together. The bartender looks up and asks, "What'll it be, President Trump?"

dirtbanker

05-04-2017, 08:22 AM

A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a beautiful girl about to jump off a bridge so they stopped.
The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, “What are you doing?”
“I’m going to commit suicide,” she says.
While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn’t want to miss an opportunity, so he asked…. “Well, before you jump, why don’t you give me a kiss?”
So she does… It was a long, deep lingering kiss.
After she’s finished, the biker says, “Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had. That’s a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?”
“My parents don’t like me dressing up like a girl……”

Taltarzac725

05-04-2017, 08:30 AM

72. “(Donald Trump) might win. He’s got enough ex-wives to vote for him.”—Chris Rock

73. “Over the years, his name has been on some things that have arguably been very un-good, including Trump Shuttle, which no longer exists; Trump Vodka, which was discontinued; Trump Magazine, which folded; Trump World Magazine, which also folded; Trump University, over which he’s being sued; and of course, the travel-booking site GoTrump.com, whose brief existence was, I imagine, a real thorn in the side of anyone hoping GotRump.com featured a single thing worth masturbating to.”—John Oliver

74. “What Donald Trump really reminds me of is a spoiled five-year-old throwing a tantrum. Every time a parent takes the kids’ side over the teachers’ and asks a child where they want to go to dinner or doesn’t say ‘be quiet when adults are talking,’ you are creating the Donald Trumps of tomorrow.”—Bill Maher

75. “Americans are slow and dim and dumb, and they need extra time. If we had a two-month election cycle, they would've elected Trump already... For the first couple of months, people were enamored with him. Now, they see his shtick. He has two things: 'Me build wall. Me great.'”–Bill Maher

76. “If he hadn’t inherited $200 million, you know where Donald Trump would be right now? Selling watches in Manhattan.” – Marco Rubio

77. “Trump is kind of like the movie Snakes on a Plane. Sure the idea is entertaining. But an actual snake on your plane would be terrifying. And that's what's happening now. The plane is American democracy. And the snake is Trump.”-–Seth Meyers

78. “The closest Trump ever got to battle was his fight with Rosie O'Donnell.” –Jimmy Kimmel

79. “There is a lunatic in North Korea trying to get a nuclear weapon and a lunatic trying to get ahold of nuclear weapons in America." – Marco Rubio

80. ‘Trump NOT Doing FOX Debate Cause Of MEGAN (sic) KELLY… fkng PRIMA DONNA. HOW CAN HE FACE ISIS, HE CANT FACE A CHICK ON TV.” –Cher

81. “Trump threatening not to show up for next debate if Megyn Kelly is moderating! I bet he’s so mad he has ‘blood coming out of his wherever.’”—Bette Midler

82. “Donald Trump just talked about his dick during a presidential debate! A dick which I presume looks like a Cheeto with the cheese dust rubbed off.” – John Oliver

83. “He’s always calling me ‘Little Marco’ … and I’ll admit he’s taller than me, he’s 6’2″ which is why I don’t understand why he has hands the size of someone who’s 5’2″. Have you seen his hands? You know what they say about men with small hands.” – Marco Rubio

Some more Donald John Trump jokes.

Taltarzac725

05-04-2017, 08:30 AM

Taltarzac725

05-04-2017, 08:52 AM

77. “Trump is kind of like the movie Snakes on a Plane. Sure the idea is entertaining. But an actual snake on your plane would be terrifying. And that's what's happening now. The plane is American democracy. And the snake is Trump.”-–Seth Meyers

Good one.

Cobra Starship - "Snakes on A Plane (Bring It)" - YouTube (https://youtu.be/XV24FN4rDzE)

Snakes on a Plane song.

dirtbanker

05-04-2017, 09:38 AM

I was standing in a bar and this little Chinese guy comes in and stands next to me.

After a few minutes, I said to him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate, or Ju-Jitsu?"

He says "No, why the fock you ask me dat? Is eet coz I Chinee"?

"No", I said, "It's because you're drinking my fvcking beer, you slanty-eyed little cocksucker!"

Taltarzac725

05-04-2017, 12:11 PM

84. “Did you know Donald Trump’s birthname is ****face von Clownstick? I hope that’s all over Twitter.” – Jon Stewart

85. “It is so hot immigrants are coming across the border on slip and slides. That's how hot it is. It is so hot, Donald Trump hit on Megyn Kelly just to get the cold shoulder. That's how hot it is, ladies and gentlemen.” –Jay Leno

86. “Trump had medical deferment [during Vietnam] … he had inter-rectum cranial inversion — which means his head is up his ass.” – Jay Leno

87. “This all dates back to when we were growing up together in Kenya… we had constant run-ins on the soccer field. He wasn’t very good and he resented it.” – Barack Obama

88. “What a great honor it must be for you to honor me tonight. I'm so sorry; Donald Trump said that. It's getting trickier and trickier to satirize this stuff.” — Julia Louis Dreyfus

89. “Now, you might say he’d make a terrible president. I mean, the guy bankrupted his own casino. A casino! Where the House always wins! Unless it’s Donald Trump’s house!”—Lewis Black

90. “Trump is actually doing very well in Nevada. That's right, Trump appeals to Nevada's key demographic — people who've declared bankruptcy.”—Conan O'Brien

91. “Yes. He was still an odd person then… to me, Donald Trump is not a rich man. Donald Trump is like what a hobo imagines a rich man to be. Like Trump was walking around under an underpass, and he heard some guy like ‘Ohh, as soon as my number comes in, I’m gonna put up tall buildings with my name on ’em! I’ll have fine golden hair, and a TV show where I fire Gene Simmons with my children.’ And Trump was like ‘That is how I will live my life.'” – John Mulaney

92. “[Donald Trump’s] not good at running for president, he’s just good at ‘Family Feud.’ And these other people are terrible at ‘Family Feud.’ So when the Steve Harvey of this election is like ‘Name something that is bothering Americans,’ and Ted Cruz is like ‘Benghazi!’ [buzzer noise]. But then Trump is like ‘All the problems.’ And that’s the number one answer.”—John Mulaney

93. “Donald Trump can seem appealing until you take a closer look, much like the lunch buffet at a strip club, or the NFL or having a pet chimpanzee,” he added. “Sure it seems fun, but some day Coco is gonna tear your ****ing limbs off.”—John Oliver

Great stuff.

Taltarzac725

05-04-2017, 01:56 PM

I Don't Look Good Naked Anymore - YouTube (https://youtu.be/OOgd9hitEAE)

Since 1984.... :BigApplause::posting:

dirtbanker

05-05-2017, 07:26 AM

It has been determined, the most used
Sexual position for married couples is
A doggie position.

The husband sits up and begs.

The wife rolls over and plays dead.

Taltarzac725

05-05-2017, 07:53 AM

Sometimes during the weekends I drink some water - to surprise my liver.

dirtbanker

05-05-2017, 07:59 AM

A teacher was explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
'Human beings are the only animals that stutter' she said.

A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.'
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become,
asked the girl to describe the incident.

'Well,' she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty
and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start
and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'

'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.
'It sure was,' said the little girl.

'My kitty raised her back and went 'Ffffff! Ffffff! Ffffff!'
but before she could say 'F*ck off!' the Rottweiler ate her!

dirtbanker

05-05-2017, 08:06 AM

Ole was hunting geese up in the Minnesota woods. He leaned the old 16 gauge against the corner of the blind to take a leak.

As luck would have it, his foolish dog knocked the gun over, it went off and Ole took most of an ounce of #4 in the groin.

Several hours later, lying in a Duluth hospital bed, he came to.... and there was his doctor, Sven.

"Vell Ole, I got some good news and some bad news. Da good news is dat you are going to be OK.
Da damage vas local to your groin, dere was very
little internal damage, and I vas able to remove all of da buckshot."

"What's the bad news?", asks Ole

"The bad news is dat dere vas some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your pecker. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister, Lena ."

"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," says Ole. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"

"Not exactly," Sven says. "She's a flute player in da Minneapolis Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you vhere to put your fingers, so you don't pi$$ in your eye."

dirtbanker

05-05-2017, 08:20 AM

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?'

Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Mommy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'

MDLNB

05-05-2017, 09:35 AM

What is the tallest building in the world? The library, because it has the most stories.
What do you call a nervous javelin thrower? Shakespeare.
What do you call a South American librarian who is always in a hurry? Urgent Tina.
What do you call a teacher who never farts in the library? A private tutor.
What do you call a book that's about the brain? A mind reader.

MDLNB

05-05-2017, 09:37 AM

A Texan was visiting Harvard University, and was lost. He stopped a student and asked, "Do you know where the library is at?"
"I sure do," replied the student, "But, you know, you're not supposed to end sentences with prepositions."
"What?"
"Prepositions. You ended your sentence with an 'at', which you aren't supposed to do."
"Oh, ok," said the Texan, "Do you know where the library is at, a$$hole?"

MDLNB

05-05-2017, 09:38 AM

A guy calls the librarian and says "When does the Library open?"
And the librarian says "At nine o'clock and why are you calling me at midnight to get in?"
The guy says "I don't want to get in I want to get out."

MDLNB

05-05-2017, 09:39 AM

A blonde walks into a library and shouts "I'LL HAVE A COKE PLEASE."
The librarian says, "This is a Library."
The blonde says, "Yes I know. I'LL HAVE A COKE PLEASE."
And the librarian says, one more time, "This is a library Miss."
The blonde goes "Oh," and whispers, "I'll have a coke please!"

MDLNB

05-05-2017, 09:41 AM

One day the Library was lonely with no one in it for the librarian to help. These two chickens came through the door screeching "bouk bouk." The librarian quickly got up and gave them each 5 books. The two chickens left satisfied. Just a few minutes later the same two chickens come through the door with no books screeching "bouk bouk." The librarian once again jumps up and gives each chicken 15 books this time. The chickens leave satisfied once again. Then again for the third time the chicken return screeching "bouk bouk" But this rime being suspicious the librarian gives each chicken only one book because they have still have not returned the other books. As the chickens leave the librarian slowly follows behind to see where all the books are going. The chickens come to a stop and start throwing the books into a pond where some frogs grab the books and throw them behind their back croaking "red-it red-it"

MDLNB

05-05-2017, 09:43 AM

A blonde lady walks into a library one day. She is wearing a short short skirt and you can smell her perfume from a mile away. She is carrying with her an extremely large book. She walks up to the librarian desk, slams the book down and shouts, "this is the worst book I ever read!","there are no pictures,the words are too small and its so god damn big!". The librarian slowly looks up at the blonde and says.."So your the one that stole our phone book"

MDLNB

05-05-2017, 09:57 AM

How many catalogers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A. Just one, but he has to wait to see how the Library of Congress did it.

MDLNB

05-05-2017, 09:57 AM

Why did the librarian slip and fall on the library floor?
Because she was in the non-friction section.

MDLNB

05-05-2017, 09:58 AM

What happens when you cross a librarian and a lawyer?
A: You get all the information you want, but you can't understand it.

MDLNB

05-05-2017, 09:59 AM

What is the difference between a Librarian and a large pizza?

A: A large pizza can feed a family of four.

Taltarzac725

05-05-2017, 11:31 AM

86. “Trump had medical deferment [during Vietnam] … he had inter-rectum cranial inversion — which means his head is up his ass.” – Jay Leno

87. “This all dates back to when we were growing up together in Kenya… we had constant run-ins on the soccer field. He wasn’t very good and he resented it.” – Barack Obama

88. “What a great honor it must be for you to honor me tonight. I'm so sorry; Donald Trump said that. It's getting trickier and trickier to satirize this stuff.” — Julia Louis Dreyfus

89. “Now, you might say he’d make a terrible president. I mean, the guy bankrupted his own casino. A casino! Where the House always wins! Unless it’s Donald Trump’s house!”—Lewis Black

90. “Trump is actually doing very well in Nevada. That's right, Trump appeals to Nevada's key demographic — people who've declared bankruptcy.”—Conan O'Brien

91. “Yes. He was still an odd person then… to me, Donald Trump is not a rich man. Donald Trump is like what a hobo imagines a rich man to be. Like Trump was walking around under an underpass, and he heard some guy like ‘Ohh, as soon as my number comes in, I’m gonna put up tall buildings with my name on ’em! I’ll have fine golden hair, and a TV show where I fire Gene Simmons with my children.’ And Trump was like ‘That is how I will live my life.'” – John Mulaney

92. “[Donald Trump’s] not good at running for president, he’s just good at ‘Family Feud.’ And these other people are terrible at ‘Family Feud.’ So when the Steve Harvey of this election is like ‘Name something that is bothering Americans,’ and Ted Cruz is like ‘Benghazi!’ [buzzer noise]. But then Trump is like ‘All the problems.’ And that’s the number one answer.”—John Mulaney

93. “Donald Trump can seem appealing until you take a closer look, much like the lunch buffet at a strip club, or the NFL or having a pet chimpanzee,” he added. “Sure it seems fun, but some day Coco is gonna tear your ****ing limbs off.”—John Oliver

Trump jokes.

Taltarzac725

05-05-2017, 11:34 AM

94. “I was in the elevator alone with him, just by chance. And he just looked so miserable. He looks so unhappy. And all that money… I realize this is weird, he has all those billions of dollars. But he’s ****ing billion dollars, because he needs a $100 billion to look in the mirror and not want to kill himself.”—Louis CK

95. “Today is the Republican caucus in Nevada, and Donald Trump is projected to win. When asked why they're voting for him, Americans said, 'We're used to doing things in Nevada that we'll regret tomorrow.'”—Conan O'Brien

96. “Is Trump seriously just now realizing his supporters are a bunch of window-licking water heads? Donald, you are talking to the craziest people in the country. You could literally take off your shoe mid-speech, hold it up to your ear, say you’re getting a call from Batman and they would be quiet until you hung up your shoe.”—Michael Che

97. “People are like, ‘I like Trump; he says what he thinks. What he thinks is stupid. That’s like if your friend is like, ‘I would like to **** your mom.’ Why would you say that? ... I don’t give a **** if you’re politically correct, just be correct, correct.”—Jon Stewart

98. “I don't believe that Donald Trump is a racist. He's just pandering to the most prejudiced segment of the country. He's hustling them. [...] None of what he's saying is true. You don't just develop racism overnight on the campaign trail. Racism is embedded deep down in a person's soul. I've looked into that man's eyes. Donald Trump doesn't have a soul.”—Michael Che

99. “Yeah, things are different. Donald Trump is leading in the polls. I’m going back (in a coma).”—Tracy Morgan

100. “Does Trump really think this bizarre show of faux-majesty is in any way regal? Because it’s actually kind of insane watching him stomp down the sidewalk on a carpet that’s being unspooled by two slobs who would be his sons if they weren’t to the tacky manor born. And it also sums up Donald Trump perfectly — what he thinks is spectacular is merely spectacularly low-rent to the rest of us.”—Tom Scharpling

101. “He’s an obscenely wealthy version of Erik Estrada or William Shatner, a cultural punch line who still has to exist as a human. And the worst part is that no matter how many times he tells us how mean he is, he needs us to like him so badly.”—Tom Scharpling

102. “Kids on the playground have more inherent logic in the games they just made up than Trump does in the eleventh season of his show (Celebrity Apprentice). But what is to be expected from a show that is decided by a grown-up version of a child emperor?”—Tom Scharpling

More Donald Trump jokes.

MDLNB

05-05-2017, 12:43 PM

Playing Wack-A-Doodle-Doo - YouTube (https://youtu.be/8KnpJNvRq6k)

Play the wackadoodle game.

MDLNB

05-05-2017, 01:09 PM

Q: What’s the difference between a Liberal and a sack of manure?
A: The sack.

:pepper2:..:pepper2:..:pepper2:

MDLNB

05-05-2017, 01:10 PM

Q: How do you plant dope?
A: Bury a Democrat.

:a20:..:a20:..:a20:

MDLNB

05-05-2017, 01:11 PM

Q: What is it called when a Liberal blows in another Liberal’s ear?
A: Data transfer.

MDLNB

05-05-2017, 01:12 PM

Q: What’s five miles long and has an IQ of forty?
A: A Democrat parade.

But, not even close to that size in The Villages....:a20:

MDLNB

05-05-2017, 01:13 PM

Q: Why do so many Liberals live in L.A.?
A: It’s the only city that is easy enough for them to spell.

MDLNB

05-05-2017, 01:14 PM

Q: What do you call a basement full of Liberals?
A: A whine cellar.

MDLNB

05-05-2017, 01:15 PM

A Democrat died and a friend went around collecting for a fund for his funeral. A woman was asked to donate ten dollars.
“Ten dollars?” she said. “It only takes ten dollars to bury a Democrat? Here’s a hundred – go bury 10 of them!”

MDLNB

05-05-2017, 01:18 PM

Speaker Nancy Pelosi is in Shanghai to debate climate change with Chinese government officials. I think she'll do fine. These negotiations always come down to whoever blinks first.

MDLNB

05-05-2017, 01:20 PM

They say that Christopher Columbus was the first Democrat. When he left to discover America, he didn't know where he was going. When he got there he didn't know where he was. And it was all done on a government grant.

MDLNB

05-05-2017, 03:42 PM

Q: Where can single men over the age of 70 find
younger women who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore, under
Fiction.
Q: What can a man do while his wife is going
through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can
finish the basement. When you're done, you will have a place to
live.
Q: Someone has told me that menopause is
mentioned in the bible... Is that true?
Where can it be
found?
A: Yes. Matthew 14:92:
"And Mary rode
Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt
...."
Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your
over-70 year-old husband?
A: Tell him you're
pregnant.
Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the
elderly wrinkles?
A: Take off your
glasses.
Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow's feet
and all those wrinkles on my face?
A: Go braless. It will usually pull them
out..
Q: Why should 70-plus year old people use valet
parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your
car.
Q: Is it common for 70-plus year olds to have
problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem. Retrieving it
is the problem.
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the
afternoon.
Q: Where should 70-plus year olds look for eye
glasses?
A: On their
foreheads.
Q: What is the most common remark made by 70-plus
year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: "Gosh, I remember
these!"

dirtbanker

05-05-2017, 03:56 PM

A real woman is a man's best friend. She will never stand him up and never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day. She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret. She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires. She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible...

No wait...Sorry.

I'm thinking of whiskey. It's whiskey that does all that.

RickeyD

05-05-2017, 04:33 PM

Sometimes during the weekends I drink some water - to surprise my liver.

Funny [emoji3]

dirtbanker

05-06-2017, 07:32 AM

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said,
'I've got some bad news.
You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.'

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

'Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini.'
After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less sombre. There were some laughs and more martinis.
They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, 'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.'
The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, 'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that?'

'Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone.'

dirtbanker

05-06-2017, 07:40 AM

Paddy has broken his leg and his buddy Mick comes over to see him.

Mick says, "How you doin?"

Paddy says, "Okay, but do me a favour mate, run upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing."

Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters lying on the bed.

He says, "Your dad's sent me up here to have sex with both of you.

" They say, "Get away with ya.... prove it."

Mick shouts downstairs, "Paddy, both of em?"

Paddy shouts back, "Of course both of em, what's the point of fvckin one?"

dirtbanker

05-06-2017, 07:53 AM

A blonde gets home from work early & hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.

She rushes upstairs only to find her husband naked lying on the bed, sweating and panting.

'What's up?' she asks. 'I think I'm having a heart attack,' - cries the husband...

The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialling, her four-year-old son comes up and says,
"Mommy Mommy Aunt Shirley is hiding in the wardrobe & she has no clothes on".

The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the bedroom right past her husband...She rips open the wardrobe door and sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the floor.

'You rotten Bitch', she screams.

'My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked playing hide and seek with the kids!!

dirtbanker

05-06-2017, 09:40 AM

I was at a wedding reception when the dj announced 'all the married men out there go and stand by the person who makes your life worth living'.
The barman was nearly crushed to death

dirtbanker

05-06-2017, 09:42 AM

My wife was in the bathroom for hours getting ready to go out when finally the door swung open and she said, "Honestly , do I look fat in this".

I replied, " Yes love, but to be fair, it's only a small bathroom.

dirtbanker

05-07-2017, 09:31 AM

My Wife asked me to go to the Doctors about my Erection problem, she wasn't pleased when I came back and gave her some Slimming Pills

dirtbanker

05-07-2017, 09:33 AM

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary
surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet
pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's
chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and
sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has
passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the
vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean
you haven't done any testing on him or anything.
He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the
room. * He returned a few minutes later with a black
Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on
in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his
front paws on the examination table and sniffed the
duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the
vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out
of the room. A few minutes later he returned with
a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately
sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back
on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and
strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry,
but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably,
a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys
and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!"
she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my
word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the
Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

dirtbanker

05-07-2017, 09:40 AM

IT CAN BE HARD KEEPING A STRAIGHT FACE AS A COURT REPORTER

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you ****ting me?
_________________________________________
(My Favorite)
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________
(Another favorite)
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS:Take a guess.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them... The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

dirtbanker

05-07-2017, 06:00 PM

dirtbanker

05-07-2017, 06:04 PM

A blonde teenage girl, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. 'Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,' he said. 'How much will you charge me?' Delighted, the girl quickly responded, 'How about $50?' The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, 'Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?' He responded, 'That's a bit cynical, isn't it?' The wife replied, 'You're right... I guess I'm starting*to believe all those dumb blonde jokes.' Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. 'You're finished already?' the startled husband asked. 'Yes,' the blonde replied, 'and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.' Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a ten dollar tip.
'And by the way,' the blonde added, 'it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus.'

dirtbanker

05-07-2017, 06:07 PM

President Obama visited a grade school in South Philly last week to talk to the kids. After his talk he offered question time.

One little boy put up his hand, and Obama asked him his name.
" Walter," responds the little boy.

"And what is your question, Walter?"

"I have four questions:

First, Why did the USA bomb Libya without the support of the Congress?

Second, Why do you keep saying you fixed the economy when it's
actually gotten worse?

Third, Why did you say that Jeremiah Wright was your mentor,
then said that you knew nothing about his preaching and beliefs?

Fourth, Why are we lending money to Brazil to drill for oil, but
America is not allowed to drill for oil?"

Just then, the bell rings for recess so Obama informed the kids that
they will continue after recess.

When they resumed class, Obama said, "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right: question time.. Who has a question?"

Another little boy put up his hand. Obama points him out and asks him
his name.

"Steve," he responds.

"And what is your question, Steve?"

Actually, I have two questions.

First, Why did the recess bell ring 20 minutes early?

Second, What happened to Walter?"

RickeyD

05-07-2017, 08:03 PM

A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, “You’re crazy.” The man says, “I want a second opinion!” The doctor says, “Okay, you’re ugly too!”

ColdNoMore

05-07-2017, 08:53 PM

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said, "Someone may steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job. Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?"
So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies. Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?"

So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One was to do the studies and one was to write the reports. Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they created two
positions: a time keeper and a payroll officer then hired two people.
Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?"
So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.

Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $918,000 over budget, we must cut back." So they laid-off the night watchman.

NOW slowly, let it sink in.

Quietly, we go like sheep to slaughter...Does anybody remember the reason given for the establishment of the DEPARTMENT OF ENERGY during the Carter administration?

Anybody?

Anything?

No?

Didn't think so!

Bottom line is, we've spent several hundred billion dollars in support of an agency....the reason for which not one person who reads this can remember!

Ready??

It was very simple... and at the time, everybody thought it very appropriate. The Department of Energy was instituted on 8/04/1977, TO LESSEN OUR DEPENDENCE ON FOREIGN OIL.

Hey, pretty efficient, huh???

AND NOW IT'S 2011 -- 34 YEARS LATER -- AND THE BUDGET FOR THIS "NECESSARY" DEPARTMENT IS AT $24.2 BILLION A YEAR. IT HAS 16,000 FEDERAL EMPLOYEES AND APPROXIMATELY 100,000 CONTRACT EMPLOYEES; AND LOOK AT THE JOB IT HAS DONE!

(THIS IS WHERE YOU SLAP YOUR FOREHEAD AND SAY, "WHAT WERE THEY
THINKING?")

33 years ago 30% of our oil consumption was foreign imports. Today 70% of our oil consumption is foreign imports.

Ah, yes -- good old Federal bureaucracy.

NOW, WE HAVE TURNED OVER THE BANKING SYSTEM, HEALTH CARE, AND THE AUTO INDUSTRY TO THE SAME GOVERNMENT?

Hello!! Anybody Home?

Signed....The Night Watchman

While most of the intelligent people here have long ago learned that your simpleton mind can only comprehend simple, most often wrong, concepts...you really should try to educate yourself.

And yes, I realize that your constant complaints of Rocky trying to give links (and especially quoting them) to educate you simply enrages...here's another good old college try.

A BRIEF HISTORY OF THE DEPARTMENT OF ENERGY | Department of Energy (https://energy.gov/management/office-management/operational-management/history/brief-history-department-energy)

The establishment of the Department of Energy brought most Federal energy activities under one umbrella and provided the framework for a comprehensive and balanced national energy plan. The Department undertook responsibility for long-term, high-risk research and development of energy technology, Federal power marketing, energy conservation, the nuclear weapons program, energy regulatory programs, and a central energy data collection and analysis program.

Deepest Sincere Wishes: :wave:

MDLNB

05-08-2017, 03:38 AM

While most of the intelligent people here have long ago learned that your simpleton mind can only comprehend simple, most often wrong, concepts...you really should try to educate yourself.

And yes, I realize that your constant complaints of Rocky trying to give links (and especially quoting them) to educate you simply enrages...here's another good old college try.

A BRIEF HISTORY OF THE DEPARTMENT OF ENERGY | Department of Energy (https://energy.gov/management/office-management/operational-management/history/brief-history-department-energy)

Deepest Sincere Wishes: :wave:

So, you did not get the joke, AND/OR you are BLONDE, right?

dirtbanker

05-08-2017, 05:46 AM

Paddy and Mick get a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.

They bag six.

As Paddy and Mick start loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot says, "The plane can only take four of those."

The two lads object strongly. "Last year we shot six, and the pilot let us put them all on board; he had the same plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gives in and all six are loaded.

However, even with full power, the little plane can't handle the load and down it goes and crashes in the middle of nowhere.

A few moments later, climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asks Mick,

"Any idea where we are?"

"I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year," says Mick.

dirtbanker

05-08-2017, 06:16 AM

An Arab Sheik was admitted to
Abbott-Northwestern Hospital for heart
surgery, but prior to the surgery the doctors needed to store his blood in case the need arose.

As the gentleman had a rare type
of blood, it couldn't be found
locally, so the call went
out to all the states.

Finally a New London, Minnesota Norwegian was located who had the right blood type.
The Norwegian, whose name was Ole,
willingly donated his blood for the Arab.

After the surgery, the Arab sent Ole, as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, a pile of diamonds and several million U.S. Dollars.

A couple of months later, once again the Arab
had to go through some corrective surgery. His
doctor telephoned Ole who was more than happy to donate his blood again.

After the second surgery, the Arab sent Ole a thank-you card and five pounds of lutefisk.

Ole was shocked that this time the Arab did not reciprocate with a new car, diamonds, and money.

He phoned the Arab and said, 'I thought dat you vould be yenerous again, and dat you vould give me anudder BMW, diamonds And money. But you only gave me a tank-you card and some lutefisk!'

To this the Arab replied, 'Ya, but now I haf Norvegian blood in my veins so I gotta tink tvice before I spend my money.'

dirtbanker

05-08-2017, 06:40 AM

A sweet grandmother Telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number of the patient?"

The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."

The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room."

After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, "I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her Physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."

The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good News."

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"

The grandmother said,"No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me anything."

dirtbanker

05-08-2017, 07:29 AM

Ole & Lena lived by lake in Nordern Minnesota . It vas early vinter and da lake had froze over.

Ole asked Lena if she vould valk across da frozen lake to da yeneral store to get him some smokes. She asked him for some money, but he told her, Nah, yust put it on our tab.

So Lena valked across, got the smokes at da yeneral store, den walked back home across the lake. Ven she got home and gave Ole his smokes, she asked him, Ole, you alvays tell me not to run up da tab at da
store. Why didn't you yust give me some money?

Ole replied, Vell, I didn't vant to send you out dere vit some money ven I vasn't sure how tick the ice vas yet.

Taltarzac725

05-08-2017, 08:37 AM

Here Are 9 Jokes About Florida That Are Actually Funny (http://www.onlyinyourstate.com/florida/jokes-fl/)

Meanwhile in Florida....

Abby10

05-08-2017, 10:04 AM

Here Are 9 Jokes About Florida That Are Actually Funny (http://www.onlyinyourstate.com/florida/jokes-fl/)

Meanwhile in Florida....

Thanks,Tal, for sharing this website. Really enjoy reading some of the various stuff about different states. I thought it was just going to be jokes about each state, but there's some interesting info on there.

And to dirtbanker, although some of the jokes on here are a little over the top for this modest woman, some are laugh out loud funny.....thanks for starting the thread.

dirtbanker

05-08-2017, 10:06 AM

A blonde gets a job as a teacher.
She notices a boy in the field standing alone,
while all the other kids are running around having fun.
She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.
'You ok?' she says.
'Yes.' he says.
'You can go and play with the other kids you know.' she says.
'It's best I stay here.' he says. '
'Why?' says the blonde.
The boy says: 'Because, I'm the goalie'

dirtbanker

05-08-2017, 10:10 AM

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears,"You know what?

You have been with me all through the bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me.

When my business failed, you were there.

When I got shot, you were by my side.

When we lost the house, you stayed right here.

When my health started failing, you were still by my side...

You know what babe?"

"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I'm beginning to think you're bad luck."

dirtbanker

05-09-2017, 06:02 AM

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Taser. The effects of the Taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety... WAY COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.

But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Taser in another. The directions said that: a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!! WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!! WHAT THE... !!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Taser, one note of caution: There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, She loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it! If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!

Taltarzac725

05-09-2017, 06:30 AM

Thanks,Tal, for sharing this website. Really enjoy reading some of the various stuff about different states. I thought it was just going to be jokes about each state, but there's some interesting info on there.

And to dirtbanker, although some of the jokes on here are a little over the top for this modest woman, some are laugh out loud funny.....thanks for starting the thread.

You are welcome Abby10. :wave:

Taltarzac725

05-09-2017, 07:06 AM

Hilarious Memes About Kansas (http://www.onlyinyourstate.com/kansas/funny-ks-memes/)

Kansas jokes.

Taltarzac725

05-09-2017, 07:17 AM

Ten good reasons to Swear

10. "_______, what was that?" Mayor of Hiroshima 1945.
9. "_______, look at all those indians!" General Custer 1877.
8. "______, any idiot could understand that!" Einstien 1938.
7. "______, it does so look like her!" Picasso 1926.
6. "_____, how did you work that out!" Pythagoras 126BC.
5. "_____, you want WHAT on the ceiling!" Michaelangelo 1566.
4. "_____, where are we!" Amelia Earhart 1937.
3. "_____, scattered showers my ass!" Noah 4314BC.
2. "_____, who's gonna ever find out?" Bill Clinton 1999.
1. "_____, I didn't think they'd get this mad!" Saddam Hussein 2003.

Taltarzac725

05-09-2017, 07:33 AM

Taltarzac725

05-09-2017, 01:03 PM

An Australian walks into a bar in New York with his dog & shouts "I have $100 here that says my dog can beat any other dog in a fight." The bartender looks down at the dog with disgust & says "what is that ugly thing". The Aussie replies"It's an Australian short legged long tailed swamp hound" One guy at the end of the bar offers to take him on with his Rottweiler. Within 5 seconds the Rottweilers neck is broken. The Aussie says anybody want to $200. Another guy steppes forward with a pitbull 3 foot at the shoulder snarling & snapping at anything that moves. "I'll take your money " he says. the dogs lunge at each other & in only a few seconds the pitbulls head is severed. The pitbulls owner stares in disbelief and says "what the hell did you say that dog was". The Aussie replies "it's an Australian short legged long tailed swamp hound but back home we just call em crocodiles."

dirtbanker

05-10-2017, 06:36 AM

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Later, her husband noticed her sitting in her car in the driveway with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.

He became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open and she looked very strange.

He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she had been shot in the back of the head and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The husband called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered.

Linda is a blonde, a Democrat, and an Hillary supporter, but that could all be a coincidence. The defective biscuit canister was analyzed and the expiration date was from 2008, so it was determined to be Bush's fault.

dirtbanker

05-10-2017, 06:40 AM

Found on the Refrigerator One Morning :

My Dear Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset----I shall be home before midnight.

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

My Dear Husband,

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.

dirtbanker

05-10-2017, 06:41 AM

After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, ‘Well, then, maybe I’ll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!’
The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, ‘Well, little lady, why don’t you go give it a try?’
The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, and spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.
He saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blond took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank.
Nearby were 7 more dead gators all lying belly up. The shopkeeper watched in amazement as the blond struggled with the gator.
Then, rolling her eyes, she screamed in frustration……
Sonofabitch!! … THIS ONE’S BAREFOOT, TOO!

dirtbanker

05-11-2017, 07:37 AM

After a very busy day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes as the train departed Montreal for Hudson .

As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: “Hi sweetheart it’s Eric, I’m on the train – yes, I know it’s the six thirty and not the four thirty but I had a long meeting – no, honey, not with that floozie from the accounts office, with the boss. No sweetheart, you’re the only one in my life – yes, I’m sure, cross my heart” etc., etc.

Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly , when the young woman sitting next to him, who was obviously angered by his continuous diatribe, yelled at the top of her voice: ”Hey, Eric, turn that stupid phone off and come back to bed!”

Eric doesn’t use his cell phone in public any longer.

dirtbanker

05-11-2017, 07:56 AM

Gladys failed a Health and Safety course at the Local Senior Centre today.

One of the questions was: "In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?"

"Fvcking' big ones," was apparently, not the right answer.

dirtbanker

05-11-2017, 08:02 AM

Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says;

"Listen here, good looking, I will screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, their place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on... It doesn't matter to me. I just love it."

His eyes now wide with interest, he responds, "No kidding... I'm in Congress too. What state do you represent?

dirtbanker

05-11-2017, 09:22 AM

I was sitting watching Match of the Day when the Mrs came into the lounge and says,
"Fancy a shag Babe?"
I said, "After the football love"
She said, "You do realise that you can record it?"
I said, "Nice, you get the camcorder, I'll come upstairs when the footy finishes".

dirtbanker

05-17-2017, 06:18 AM

A priest was invited to attend a house party.
Naturally, he was properly dressed and wearing his Priest's Collar.
A little boy kept staring at him the entire evening.
Finally, the priest asked the little boy what he was staring at.
The little boy pointed to the priest's neck.
When the priest finally realized what the boy was pointing at, he asked the boy;
"Do you know why I am wearing that?"

The boy nodded his head yes, and replied,
"It kills fleas and ticks for up to three months".

dirtbanker

05-17-2017, 06:21 AM

President BARACK OBAMA was invited to address a major gathering of the
American Indian Nation in upstate New York ..

He spoke for almost an hour about his plans for increasing every
Native American's present standard of living. He referred to his time
as a U.S. Senator and how he had voted for every Native American issue
that came to the floor of the Senate.

Although President Obama was vague about the details of his plans, he
seemed most enthusiastic and spoke eloquently about his ideas for
helping his, "Red sisters and brothers".

At the conclusion of his speech, the Tribes presented Obama with a
plaque inscribed with his new Indian name, "Walking Eagle".

The proud President Obama accepted the plaque and then departed in his
motorcade to a fundraiser, waving to the crowds.

A news reporter later asked the group of chiefs how they came to
select the new name they had given to the President.
They explained that "Walking Eagle" is the name given to a bird so full
of $hit it can no longer fly.

dirtbanker

05-17-2017, 06:23 AM

A Jewish woman says to her mother, "I'm divorcing Jeff! All he wants is sex, sex and more sex; my vagina is now the size of a 50 cent piece when it used to be about the size of a 5 cent piece."

Her mother says, "You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman, you live in an 8 bedroom mansion, you drive a Ferrari, you get $2,000 a week allowance, you take 6 vacations a year and you want to throw all that away over 45 cents?"

dirtbanker

05-17-2017, 06:26 AM

A woman phoned her blonde neighbor and said: "Close your curtains the next time you & your husband are having sex.
The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
To which the blonde replied: "Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday."

dirtbanker

05-17-2017, 06:26 AM

Two blondes find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station.
One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?"
The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."

dirtbanker

05-17-2017, 06:30 AM

It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens Centre.

Claude the hypnotist explained: "I'm here to put you into a trance. I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.

"I want each of you to keep your eyes on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. A hundred pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch until, suddenly, the chain broke; it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"$hit!" said the hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Citizens Centre.
Claude was never invited back...

dirtbanker

05-17-2017, 09:52 AM

Two blonds were sipping their Starbucks when a truck went past loaded up with rolls of sod.

"I'm going to do that when I win the lottery," announced Blond #1.

"Do what?", asked Blond #2.

"Send my lawn out to be mowed."

dirtbanker

05-18-2017, 05:01 PM

In a recent survey commissioned by President Obama, African-Americans have proven to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower.
The survey was carried out for Obama by a leading soap and toiletries firm. The results revealed that 86% of African-Americans said that they have had sex in the shower.
The remaining 14% said they haven't been to prison yet.
Sort of brings tears to your eyes.

dirtbanker

05-18-2017, 05:02 PM

Two Amish women were out picking potatoes in the field when one of them picked up two huge potatoes and said "These potatoes remind me of Emil's balls""Are they that big?" asked the other." No they're this dirty."

Nucky

05-18-2017, 08:24 PM

What do Democrats and porn stars have in common? They are experts in switching positions in front of a camera!

dirtbanker

05-19-2017, 08:15 AM

Southern cops have a way with words!

These are actual comments made by South Carolina Troopers that were taken off their car videos:

1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document." (My Favorite)

4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you." (LOVE IT)

6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." ( National Crime Information Center )

13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

AND THE WINNER IS....

16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."

Taltarzac725

05-19-2017, 08:20 AM

What do Democrats and porn stars have in common? They are experts in switching positions in front of a camera!

Donald John Trump does this quite often.

dirtbanker

05-20-2017, 08:15 AM

Two Minnesota engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A woman walks by and asks what they were doing.

"Ve're supposed to find da height of dis flagpole, " said Sven, "but ve don't haff a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground.

Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away.

Ole shook his head and laughed. "Ain't dat just like a voman! Ve ask fer da height and she gives us da length!"

dirtbanker

05-20-2017, 08:18 AM

A cabbie picks up a Nun in San Francisco... She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring. He replies: 'I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you.'

She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'

'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'

She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.'

The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'

'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

'My dear child,' said the nun, 'Why are you crying?'

'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess; I'm married and I'm Jewish.'

The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.'

dirtbanker

05-20-2017, 08:22 AM

A doctor in Duluth , Minnesota wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant.

"Ole, I am goin' huntin' tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all my patients."

"Yes, sir!" answers Ole.

The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: "So, Ole, How was your day?"

Ole told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had aheadache so I gave him TYLENOL."

"Bravo, mate, and the second one?" asks the doctor.

"The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir," says Ole.

"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the Doctor.

"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters. Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her panties and lies down on the table and shouts: ‘HELP ME - I haven't seen a man in over two years!!’"

"Tunderin' Lard Yeezus, Ole, What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"I put drops in her eyes!!"

dirtbanker

05-21-2017, 07:50 AM

The maid asked for a pay increase.
The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.
She asked, “Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?”
Maria: “Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze. The first is that I iron better than you.”
Wife: “Who said you iron better than me?”
Maria: “Jor huzban he say so.”
Wife: “Oh yeah?”
Maria: “The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you.”
Wife: “Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?”
Maria: “Jor hozban did”
Wife increasingly agitated: “Oh he did, did he?”
Maria: “The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed.”
Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth asks, “And did my husband say that as well?”
Maria: “No Señora… The gardener did.”
Wife: “So how much do you want?”

dirtbanker

05-21-2017, 07:53 AM

Towards the end of a round of golf, Dave hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty, yellow buttercups.

Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch. All of a sudden? POOF! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.

She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for
your popcorn for the rest of your life... Better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life.... As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything for the rest of your life!!!"

Then POOF!.... She was gone!

After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, "Fred, where are you?"

Fred yells back "I'm over here in the pussy willows."

Dave shouts back,

"DON'T SWING, Fred! For the Love of God, DO NOT SWING!”

dirtbanker

05-21-2017, 08:55 AM

Every day, a male employee walks up very close to a female co-worker at the coffee machine.
He stops, inhales quite deeply and says that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, the woman can't stand it anymore.
She takes her issue to a supervisor in Human Resources and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against the guy.

The supervisor is puzzled and asks, "What's threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

"It's Frank. The midget”

dirtbanker

05-21-2017, 06:28 PM

Viagra Wife Diary

Day 1

Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to reenact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.

Day 2

Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven't noticed.

Day 3

This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of Nelson's Column and burst into tears.

Day 4

A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his 'problem'. It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.

Day 5

What absolute bliss!!

Day 6

Isn't life wonderful but it's difficult to write while he's doing that.

Day 7

This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. But, have to admit it's very nice - I don't think I've ever been so happy.

Day 8

I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed wacker. I'm also getting a bit sore down there.

Day 9

No time to write. He might catch me.

Day 10

Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with neat whisky! What am I going to do? I feel tacky all over....

Day 11

I'm basically being screwed to death. It's like living with a Black and Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed. Even my armpits hurt. He's a complete pig.

Day 12

I wish he was gay. I've stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my teeth or even washing but he still keeps coming after me! Even yawning has become dangerous...

Day 13

Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops, sorry" thing again, I'll kill the [#@!$].

Day 14

I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun but this just seems to make him more horny. Help me!

Day 15

I think I'll have to kill him. I'm starting to stick to everything I sit on. The cat and dog won't go near him and our friends don't come over any more. Last night I told him to go and screw himself and he did.

Day 16

The [#@!$] has started to complain about headaches. I hope the bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac.

Day 17

Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any difference...Christ! Here he comes again!

Day 18

He's back on Prozac. The lazy sod just sits there in front of the TV all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything for him. What absolute bliss!

dirtbanker

05-22-2017, 07:16 AM

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.

His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would never have to testify
in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where's the money?

The lawyer,using sign language, asks Guido where's the money?.

Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's temple and says, "Ask him again!"

The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him.."

Guido signs back, "OK.!!!! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

The lawyer replies, " He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

dirtbanker

05-22-2017, 07:20 AM

A man was washed up on a beach after a shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.

After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was Nancy Pelosi. That evening, the man brought Nancy to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the man started to get those feelings again.

He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Nancy and told her he hadn't had sex for months. Nancy batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.

He said, 'Take the dog for a walk.'

dirtbanker

05-22-2017, 07:24 AM

9:58 PM. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10 PM news was coming on.

The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building, preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar,
the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset but willingly handed her $20 to Bob. "Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Bob replied, "I can't take your money.
I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news, so I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied, "I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."

Bob took the money.

dirtbanker

05-22-2017, 07:26 AM

Two old men had been best friends for years, and they both live to their early 90's, when one of them suddenly falls deathly ill. His friend comes to visit him on his deathbed, and they're reminiscing about their long friendship, when the dying man's friend asks, "Listen, when you die, do me a favor. I want to know if there's baseball in heaven."

The dying man said, "We've been friends for years, this I'll do for you." And then he dies. A couple days later, his surviving friend is sleeping when he hears his friend's voice. The voice says, "I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that there's baseball in heaven." "What's the bad news?" "The bad news is that you're pitching on Wednesday."

dirtbanker

05-22-2017, 04:05 PM

THE ITALIAN WEDDING TEST

I was a very happy man.

My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year.

So we decided to get married.

There was only one little thing bothering me..

It was her beautiful younger sister, Sofia.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was Bra-less.

She would regularly bend down when she was near me.

I always got more than a nice view.

It had to be deliberate.

she never did it around anyone else.

One day she called me and asked me to come over.

'To check my Sister's wedding- invitations' she said.

She was alone when I arrived.

she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me.

She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married.

She said "Before you commit your life to my sister".

she couldn't overcome them anymore.

Well, I was in total shock, and I couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom" she said.

"if you want one last wild fling, just come up and have me".

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.

I stood there for a moment..

Then turned and made a bee-line straight to the front door.

I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo And behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me.

He said, 'Sergio, we are very happy that you have passed our little test.

We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter.

Welcome to the family my son..'

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.

dirtbanker

05-23-2017, 07:09 AM

A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly...

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'

To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched their heads.'

dirtbanker

05-23-2017, 07:10 AM

I would like to share a personal experience with my closest friends about
drinking and driving.

As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the
authorities on our way home from an occasional social session over the
years. A couple of nights ago, I was out for an evening with friends and
had a couple of cocktails and some rather nice red wine.

Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something
I've never done before ~ I took a cab home. Sure enough, I passed a police
road block but, since it was a cab, they waved it past.

I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise; as I
have never driven a cab before and am not sure where I got it or what to
do with it now that it's in my garage.

dirtbanker

05-23-2017, 09:16 AM

A very tall man walks into a bar, and a lady recognizes him as real Rugby player. They start to talk and eventually go back to his place.

They start to kiss, and the man takes off his shirt. On his arm, he has a tattoo that says REEBOK.

"What's that for?" the lady questions.

"Oh, I have this so that when I'm on TV, people will see my tattoo, and Reebok pays me."

Then the man takes off his trousers, and on his leg, he has a tattoo that says NIKE.

'What's that ?' the lady questions again.

"Just like the Reebok tattoo, I get paid when this tattoo is seen on TV."

Then the man drops his underwear and on his peni$ he has a tattoo that says AIDS.

The lady screams: "Don't tell me you have AIDS!"

The man replies: "No, no...!!! Calm down...!!!

It will say ADIDAS in a minute."

Fraugoofy

05-23-2017, 12:28 PM

dirtbanker

05-23-2017, 07:25 PM

I have read almost every one of the jokes on here and for some reason I am still laughing at this one!

Sent from my SM-N910R4 using Tapatalk

Glad you found one you like!

dirtbanker

05-23-2017, 07:27 PM

WHY MEN ARE SELDOM DEPRESSED*
Men Are Just Happier People --What do you expect from such simple creatures?*
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.*
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.*Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another petrol station toilet because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.*
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress £5000, Tux rental £100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.*
One mood all the time.*
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.*
You know stuff about tanks.*
A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase.*
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.*
Your underwear is £2.99 for a three-pack.
Two pairs of shoes are more than enough.*You almost never have strap problems in public.*
You are unable to see creases in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original colour.*
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.*
You only have to shave your face and neck.*
You can play with toys all your life.*
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.*
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.*
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.*
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives On December 24 in 25 minutes!!

Men Are Just Happier People, Too!*
NICKNAMES�*If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.*If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Nobby and Tosser.*
EATING OUT�*When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in a tenner, even though it's only for £25. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.*When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.*
MONEY�*A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.*A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.*
BATHROOMS�*A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.*The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.*
ARGUMENTS�*A woman has the last word in any argument.*Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.*
FUTURE�*A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.*
MARRIAGE�*A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.*A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.*
DRESSING UP�*A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.*A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.*

NATURAL�*Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.*Women somehow deteriorate during the night.*
OFFSPRING�*Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.*A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.*
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:

A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!*

dirtbanker

05-23-2017, 07:33 PM

An old man was asked, "At your ripe age, what do
you prefer to get - Parkinson's or Alzheimer's?"

The wise one answered, "Definitely Parkinson's.
Better to spill half an ounce of Jack Daniel's, than to
forget where you keep the bottle!!"

dirtbanker

05-23-2017, 07:37 PM

An 8 year old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard, and asked him: "Grampa, what is couple sex?"

The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she's old enough to ask the question, she's old enough to get a straight answer.

Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities of intercourse.

When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement.

Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her: "Why did you ask that question, honey?"

The little girl replied: "Grandma says that dinner will be ready in a couple secs."

dirtbanker

05-24-2017, 06:49 AM

Teacher in Detroit, asks a student to use "handsome" in a sentence..

A girl named Latisha says, "Sometimes when I be pleasin' Jamal's soul pole, my jaw gits sore, and I hafta use my handsome."

The quality of our educational system sometimes brings a tear to my eye!

dirtbanker

05-24-2017, 06:55 AM

A doctor had sex with one of his female patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't.

The guilt and sense of betrayal of his patient were overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said:
"Don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of his patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go."

But, invariably, another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering.......... "You're a veterinarian, you sick ba$tard."

dirtbanker

05-24-2017, 07:06 AM

One day a golfer accidentally overturned his golf cart.

Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out,

"Are you okay, what's your name?"

"It's Bob, and I'm OK thanks," he replied.

"Bob forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while and I'll help you get the cart up later."

"That's mighty nice of you," Bob answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it."

"Oh, come on," Elizabeth insisted.

She was very pretty and persuasive.

"Well okay," Bob finally agreed, and added, "but my wife won't like it."

After a restorative brandy, and some driving and putting lessons, Bob thanked his hostess.

"I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset."

"Don't be silly!" Elizabeth said with a smile , "She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Under the golf cart!" he explained.

dirtbanker

05-24-2017, 05:10 PM

Everyone concentrates on the problems we're having in Our Country lately: Illegal immigration, hurricane recovery, alligators attacking people in Florida... Not me -- I concentrate on solutions for the problems -- it's a win-win situation. Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border. Send the dirt to New Orleans to raise the level of the levees. Put the Florida alligators in the moat along the Mexican border.
Any other problems you would like for me to solve today?
Think about this:
1. Cows
2. The Constitution
3. The Ten Commandments
COWS:
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.
THE CONSTITUTION:
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.
THE 10 COMMANDMENTS:
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this: you cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians, it creates a hostile work environment.

dirtbanker

05-24-2017, 05:14 PM

An elderly couple, both single, had been going out with each other for a long time.

Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.

They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.

'I would like it infrequently' she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, cleared his throat, leaned over towards her and whispered,
'Is that one word or two?'

dirtbanker

05-25-2017, 07:21 AM

When you are over 50....who gives a $hit... Say What you want.....

This smart ass chick looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, "Is that Corona or Bud?"
I said, "There's a tap underneath, taste it."

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.
She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look damn good."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your good looking friend over there instead of you"

I went to the bar last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.
I said to her, "good legs."
The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."
I said "Definitely, most tables would have collapsed by now."

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling their tits.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience. "Come on, what day was I born"?
I said, "Yesterday."

dirtbanker

05-25-2017, 11:43 AM

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale 'He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so... I told the CIA.

In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running...

But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'

'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a big BS'er. He's never been out of the yard'

dirtbanker

05-25-2017, 11:51 AM

An old man walks into the barbershop for shave and a haircut, but he tells the barber he probably can't get all of his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years. But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball.

The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does.."

dirtbanker

05-26-2017, 07:55 AM

My neighbor was working in his yard when he was startled by a late model car that came crashing through his hedge and ended up in his front lawn. He rushed to help an elderly lady driver out of the car and sat her down on a lawn chair.

"My goodness," he said with excitement, "you appear quite elderly to be driving."

"Well, yes, I am," she replied proudly. "I'll be 97 next month, and I am now old enough that I don't even need a driver's license anymore.”

“Really?” asked my neighbor.

“Yes! The last time I went to my doctor, he examined me and asked if I had a driver's license. I told him yes and handed it to him. He took scissors out of the drawer, cut the license into pieces, and threw them in the wastebasket, saying, 'You won't need this anymore,' so I thanked him and left!"

dirtbanker

05-26-2017, 07:57 AM

A Male Fairy Tale:
Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, "Will you marry me?"

The Princess said, "No!"

And the Prince lived happily ever after: rode motorcycles, dated skinny, long-legged, full-breasted women, hunted and fished, raced cars, went to naked bars, dated ladies half his age, drank whiskey, beer and Captain Morgan, never heard bitching, never paid child support or alimony, dated cheerleaders, kept his house, guns, ate spam, potato chips and beans, blew enormous farts, never got cheated on while he was at work, all his friends and family thought he was friggin cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.

The end.

dirtbanker

05-26-2017, 08:02 AM

Just got off the phone with a friend who lives in Northern Tip
of Massachusetts. He said that since early this morning the
snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling. The
temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is
increasing to near gale force. His wife has done nothing but
look through the kitchen window and just stare.
He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

MDLNB

05-27-2017, 09:23 AM

An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their
mobile phones.

The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense
guy.

One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee.

She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:
"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me
your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears……..
I love you."

The husband texted back to her:

"I'm on the toilet. Please advise."

dirtbanker

05-30-2017, 04:16 PM

While out hiking in Alberta Canada with my husband we were surprised by a huge grizzly bear charging at us from out of no-where. She must have been protecting her cubs because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little 25 cal. Beretta Jetfire with me I would not be here today!

Just one shot to my husband's knee cap was all it took...the bear got him and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. It's one of the best pistols in my collection!

dirtbanker

05-30-2017, 04:23 PM

A guy is 74 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.'

He looked around and couldn't see anyone.

He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again,'Pick me up.'

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, 'Are you talking to me?' The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you.' Pick me up then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.

I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!'

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front pocket.

The frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.'

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,

'Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.'

dirtbanker

05-30-2017, 04:25 PM

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

" Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.

Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome .

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot..

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.."

"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"

He said: "Who fvcked up your hair?"

dirtbanker

05-30-2017, 04:29 PM

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible motorcycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced. "Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain."

We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom. "Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath.
"I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."

dirtbanker

05-30-2017, 07:24 PM

“Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
I have been with a loose girl.”

The priest asks, “Is that you, Joey Pagano ?”

“Yes, Father, it is.”

“And who was the girl you were with?”

“I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation”.

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Maria Minetti?”

“I cannot say Father.”

“Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?”“

I'll never tell.”

“Was it Nina Capelli?”

“I'm sorry, but I cannot tell you her name.”

“Was it Cathy Piriano?”

“My lips are sealed.”

“Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?”

“Please, Father, I cannot tell you.”

The priest sighs in frustration.
“You”re very tight lipped, and I admire that.
But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.”

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, “What”d you get?”

“Four months vacation and five good leads.”

dirtbanker

05-31-2017, 06:47 AM

Police in Detroit last night announced the discovery of an arms cache of 200 semi-automatic rifles with 25,000 rounds of ammunition, 200 pounds of heroin, 5 million in forged US banknotes, and 25 trafficked Latin prostitutes -- all in a house behind the Public Library on Woodward Ave. Local residents were stunned, and a community spokesman said, "We're all shocked; we never knew we had a library."

dirtbanker

05-31-2017, 06:52 AM

The human body has 7 trillion nerves.......my wife manages to get on every fvcking one of them.

I said to the wife, “Get me a newspaper” “Don't be silly,” she said “You can borrow my iPad” That spider never knew what fvcking hit it.

I fitted strobe lights in the bedroom. They're brilliant...It makes the wife look like she’s actually moving during sex.

My wife said that she was leaving me because I always exaggerate. I was so shocked I almost tripped over my cock.

I went to the doctor’s office the other day and found out that my new doctor is young female and drop dead gorgeous. I was embarrassed, but she said, “Don't worry, I am a professional – I've seen it all before. Just tell me what’s wrong and I'll check it out. I said, “My wife thinks that my dick tastes funny”.

I was pretty excited when my new girlfriend sent me a text message claiming that she loves anal. Dyslexic bitch, it turns out that she loves Alan, my best friend……

A guy is watching a film with creepy organ music on the TV and suddenly yells, “Don't enter that church, you damn fool !!!” His wife asks him, “What are you watching?” Husband replies, “Our bloody wedding video”.

Life is like a pen1s....Soft and hanging freely....It’s women that make it hard.

I bought a new perfume for my wife called Chloroform but she says she doesn't like it. She says that it makes her sleepy and her ass sore.

dirtbanker

06-07-2017, 05:36 AM

At the San Francisco Marriage Counter

"Next."

"Good morning. We want to apply for a marriage license."

"Names?"

"Tim and Jim Jones."

"Jones?? Are you related?? I see a resemblance."

"Yes, we're brothers."

"Brothers?? You can't get married."

"Why not?? Aren't you giving marriage licenses to same gender couples?"

"Yes, thousands. But we haven't had any siblings.

That's incest!"

"Incest?" No, we are not gay."

"Not gay?? Then why do you want to get married?"

"For the financial benefits, of course. And we do love each other. Besides, we don't have any other prospects."

"But we're issuing marriage licenses to gay and lesbian couples who've been denied equal protection under the law. If you are not gay, you can get married to a woman."

"Wait a minute. A gay man has the same right to marry a woman as I have. But just because I'm straight doesn't mean I want to marry a woman. I want to marry Jim."

"And I want to marry Tim, Are you going to discriminate against us just because we are not gay?"

"All right, all right. I'll give you your license. Next."

Keep going…

"Hi. We are here to get married."

Names?"

"John Smith, Jane James, Robert Green, and June Johnson."

"Who wants to marry whom?"

"We all want to marry each other."

"But there are four of you!"

"That's right. You see, we're all bisexual. I love Jane and Robert, Jane loves me and June, June loves Robert and Jane, and Robert loves June and me. All of us getting married together is the only way that we can express our sexual preferences in a marital relationship."

"But we've only been granting licenses to gay and lesbian couples."

"So you're discriminating against bisexuals!"

"No, it's just that, well, the traditional idea of marriage is that it's just for couples."

"Since when are you standing on tradition?"

"Well, I mean, you have to draw the line somewhere."

"Who says?? There's no logical reason to limit marriage to couples.
The more the better. Besides, we demand our rights! The mayor says the constitution guarantees equal protection under the law. Give us a marriage license!"

Still going…

"All right, all right. Next."

"Hello, I'd like a marriage license."

"In what names?"

"David Deets."

"And the other man?"

"That's all. I want to marry myself."

"Marry yourself?? What do you mean?"

"Well, my psychiatrist says I have a dual personality, so I want to marry the two together. Maybe I can file a joint income-tax return."

"That does it!? I quit!!?
You people are making a mockery of marriage!!"

dirtbanker

06-07-2017, 06:12 AM

A Scotsman appeared before Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Have you ever done anything in your life of particular merit?", Saint Peter asked

"Well, I can think of one thing", the Scotsman replied.

"On a trip to the outskirts of Glasgow, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I asked them to leave her alone but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.

I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the $%#* out of all of you!' "

Saint Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"

"A couple of minutes ago."

dirtbanker

06-07-2017, 06:14 AM

One friend said to the other,
“What is a dilemma, actually?”
He replied,
“Well, there's nothing better than an example to illustrate that. Imagine that you are lying in a big bed
with a beautiful naked young woman on one side
and a gay man on the other.
Who are you going to turn your back on?

Taltarzac725

06-07-2017, 07:32 AM

MDLNB

06-07-2017, 03:55 PM

With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.

"May I see the new baby?" I asked.

"Not yet," she said.... "I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while, first."

Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, "May I see the new baby now?"

"No, not yet," she said.

After another few minutes had elapsed,

I asked again, "May I see the baby now?"

"No, not yet," replied my friend.

Growing very impatient, I asked, "Well, when can I see the baby?"

"WHEN HE CRIES!" she told me.

"WHEN HE CRIES?" I demanded. "Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?"

"BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?!!"

MDLNB

06-09-2017, 03:33 AM

Hillary phoned the president's office shortly after midnight . "I need to talk to the president, it's an emergency!", exclaimed Hillary.

After some cajoling, the President's assistant agreed to wake him up.

"So, what is it that's so important that it can't wait until morning?", grumbled Trump.

" A Supreme Court Judge just died, and I want to take his place.", begged Hillary.

"Well, it's OK with me if it's OK with the mortuary.", replied President Trump.

MDLNB

06-09-2017, 11:54 AM

Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes".
Turns out it's about golf.
Absolute waste of money! Pass this on so others don't get scammed.

Best Regards,
Charlie Sheen

dirtbanker

06-10-2017, 06:39 AM

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.

The first man was an Engineer, The second man was an Accountant, The third man was a Chemist, and The fourth man was a Government Employee.

To show off, the Engineer called his cat, "T-square, do your stuff." T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.

Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said,"Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured Exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass.

Everyone agreed that was pretty good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said,"What can your cat do?"

The Government Employee called his cat and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff."
Coffee Break jumped to his feet. ......
Ate the cookies........
Drank the milk.....
$hit on the paper.......

dirtbanker

06-10-2017, 06:50 AM

It just hit me!

My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day. He has his food prepared for him. His meals are provided at no cost to him.

He visits the doctor once a year for his checkup, and again during the year, if any medical needs arise. For this he pays nothing and nothing is required of him.

He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than he needs, but he is not required to do any upkeep.

If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up. He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep.

He receives these accommodations absolutely free.

He is living like a king, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever.

All of his costs are picked up by others who earn a living.

I was just thinking about all this and suddenly it hit me like a ton of bricks ~

My dog is a CONGRESSMAN!

dirtbanker

06-10-2017, 07:02 AM

The IRS sends their auditor (a nasty little man) to audit a synagogue.

The auditor is doing all the checks, and then turns to the Rabbi and says, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."

"Yes," answered the Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.

"A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up. When we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker and every now and then, they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his question actually had a practical answer.*So he thought he'd try another question, in his obnoxious way...

"Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up the crumbs, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a free box of matzo balls."

"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?"

"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to the IRS ."

"To the IRS ?" questioned the auditor in disbelief.

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, "directly to The IRS ...And about once a year, they send us a little prick like you."

dirtbanker

06-12-2017, 07:02 AM

FAMOUS INVENTIONS

The toilet seat was invented in Minnesota, but twenty years later an North Dakotan invented the hole in it.
------------------------------------------------

OUTHOUSE PROBLEMS

When Ole accidentally lost 50 cents in the outhouse, he immediately threw in his watch and billfold. He explained, 'I'm not going down dere yust for 50 cents.'
-------------------------------------

THAT'S HER!

A Norwegian appeared with five other men in a rape case police line-up. As the victim entered the room, the Norwegian blurted, 'Yep, dat's her!'

--------------------------------
VE COULDN'T AFFORD MORE

Two Norwegians from Minnesota went fishing in Canada and returned with only one fish. 'The way I figger it, dat fish cost us $400' said the first Norwegian.

'Vell,' said the other one, 'At dat price it's a good ting ve didn't catch any more.'

-------------------------------------

THE RELATIONS

Ole and Lena were getting on in years. Ole was 92 and Lena was 89. One evening they were sitting on the porch in their rockers and Ole reached over and patted Lena on her knee. 'Lena , vat ever happened tew our sex relations?' He asked.

'Vell, Ole, I yust don't know,' replied Lena . 'I don't tink ve even got a card from dem last Christmas.'
-------------------------------------

MUSIC SOLUTION
Ole bought Lena a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, Lars inquired how she was doing with it.

'Oh,' said Ole, 'I persvaded her to svitch to a clarinet.' 'How come?' asked Lars.

'Vell,' Ole answered, 'because vith a clarinet, she can't sing.
-------------------------------------

THE PRANK CALL

The phone rings in the middle of the night when Ole and Lena are in bed and Ole answers. 'Vell how da hell should I know, dats two tousand miles from here' he says and hangs up.

'Who vas dat?' asks Lena .

'I donno, some fool wanting to know if da coast vas clear. ’
-------------------------------

On their honeymoon trip they were nearing Minneapolis when Ole put his hand on Lena 's knee. Giggling, Lena said, 'Ole, you can go farther than that if you vant to.

So Ole drove to Dulute.
-------------------------------

Ole was arrested one night while walking bare naked down the streets of the little town of Alexandria, Minnesota . The policeman, who was a good friend of Ole's said,'Ole...What in the world are you doing? Where are your clothes? You're naked.'

'Yah, I know,' said Ole. 'You see, I vas over to dat 'playboy' Swen's for his birthday party. Dere vas about ten of us. Der vas boys and girls.' \

'Is that right?', his policeman friend asked.

'Yah, Yah, anyvay, dat Swen, he says, 'Everybody get into the bedroom! 'So vee all go into the bedroom....where den he yells, 'Everybody git naked!' 'Vel, vee all got undressed. Den he yells, 'Everybody go to town!'

I guess I'm the first one here!

rubicon

06-12-2017, 03:20 PM

How and why has this thread survived?

Personal Best Regards:

MDLNB

06-12-2017, 03:58 PM

How and why has this thread survived?

Personal Best Regards:

Because everyone likes a good joke?

dirtbanker

06-13-2017, 07:40 AM

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.

The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.

Finally I thought about an age old question:

Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "it might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case.
Time for another beer.

Taltarzac725

06-13-2017, 07:53 AM

How and why has this thread survived?

Personal Best Regards:

It is very offensive to me that Dirtbanker titled it this way. Seems like harassment to me. And bullying.

dirtbanker

06-13-2017, 07:53 AM

The Male Cycle

(1) When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.

(2) When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.

(3) In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

(4) When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.

(5) When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

(6) When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits.

dirtbanker

06-13-2017, 07:58 AM

When Obama died, George Washington met him
at the Pearly Gates. He slapped him across the
face and yelled, "How dare you try to destroy
the Nation I helped conceive?"

Patrick Henry approached, punched him in the nose
and shouted, "You wanted to end our liberties but
you failed."

James Madison followed, kicked him in the groin and
said, "This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"

Thomas Jefferson was next, he beat Obama with a long cane and snarled, "It was evil men like you who inspired me to write the Declaration of Independence."

The beatings and thrashings continued as James Monroe and 66 other early Americans unleashed their anger on the radical socialist leader.

As Obama lay bleeding and in pain, an Angel appeared. Obama wept and said, "This is not what you promised me."

The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 VIRGINIANS waiting for you in Heaven. What did you think I said? You really need to listen when someone is trying to tell you something!"

MDLNB

06-13-2017, 07:59 AM

It is very offensive to me that Dirtbanker titled it this way. Seems like harassment to me. And bullying.

Is there a punch line for this joke? I don't get it.

Taltarzac725

06-13-2017, 08:04 AM

How and why has this thread survived?

Personal Best Regards:

Probably because the Moderator rarely looks at anything on the Political Forum as many of these jokes are rancid. Fall Back Down - Rancid [Official Music Video] - YouTube (https://youtu.be/CinJuVtdp3Y)

dirtbanker

06-13-2017, 08:13 AM

Probably because the Moderator rarely looks at anything on the Political Forum as many of these jokes are rancid. Fall Back Down - Rancid [Official Music Video] - YouTube (https://youtu.be/CinJuVtdp3Y)

Keep looking...adds views to the thread...thanks!

Allegiance

06-13-2017, 08:17 AM

dirtbanker

06-15-2017, 06:53 AM

Thought you might want to consider getting on board early.

A Scottish Engineer just started his own business in Afghanistan.

He's making land mines that look like prayer mats.

It's doing well. He says prophets are going through the roof.

dirtbanker

06-15-2017, 06:57 AM

It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1957 and Billy had a
date with Peggy Sue. He arrived at her house and rang the bell.

"Oh, come on in!" Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Billy in.
"Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink?
Lemonade?
Iced tea?"

"Iced tea, please," Billy said.

Mom brought the iced tea. "So, what are you and Peggy planning to do
tonight?" she asked.

"Oh, probably catch a movie, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the
malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach..."

"Peggy likes to screw, you know," Mom informed him.

"Uh...really?" Billy replied, with raised eyebrows.

"Oh, yes!" the mother continued. "When she goes out with her friends,
that's all they do!"

"Is that so?" asked Billy, inquisitively.

"Yes," said the mother. "As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if
we let her!"

"Well, thanks for the tip," Billy said as he began thinking about
alternate plans for the evening.

A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a
picture wearing a pink blouse and full circle skirt, and with her hair
tied back in a bouncy ponytail. She greeted Billy.

"Have fun, kids," the mother said as they left.

Half an hour later, a completely disheveled Peggy Sue burst into the
house and slammed the front door behind her.

"The Twist, Mom!" she angrily yelled at her mother. "The damned dance
is called the Twist.

dirtbanker

06-15-2017, 06:59 AM

Two older women were having lunch together while discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.

The first woman said, "I need to be honest with you. I'm getting a boob-job."

The second woman responded, "Oh, that's nothing. I'm thinking of having my a$$-hole bleached!"

"Oh! Dear!" replied the first woman. "I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!"

dirtbanker

06-15-2017, 07:02 AM

On a bitterly cold winter's morning a husband and wife in the North Hills of Pittsburgh were listening to the radio during breakfast.

They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today.

You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so snow ploughs can get through conveniently".

So the good wife went out and moved her car as instructed.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said,

"We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow ploughs can get through."

The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast when the radio

announcer says,

"We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today.

You must park. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . "

Then the power went off. . . . . . . .!

The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do.

Which side of the street do I need to park on so the
snow ploughs can get through?"

Then, with all the love and understanding in his voice that men who are married to blondes (and those with grey hair) always exhibit, the husband replied,

"Why don't you just leave the car in the garage this time?"

dirtbanker

06-16-2017, 09:28 AM

AFFORDABLE BOAT ACT

Every citizen MUST purchase a new boat, by April 2014. These "affordable" boats will cost an average of $54,000-$155,000 each. This does not include taxes, trailers, towing fees, licensing and registration fees, fuel, docking and storage fees, maintenance or repair costs.

This law has been passed, because until now, typically only wealthy and financially responsible people have been able to purchase boats. This new law ensures that every American can now have a "affordable" boat of their own, because everyone is "entitled" to a new boat.

If you purchase your boat before the end of the year, you will receive 4 "free" life jackets; not including monthly usage fees.

In order to make sure everyone purchases an affordable boat, the costs of owning a boat will increase on average of 250-400% per year. This way, wealthy people will pay more for something that other people don't want or can't afford to maintain.

But to be fair, people who can't afford to maintain their boat will be regularly fined.

Children (under the age of 26) can use their parents boats to party on until they turn 27; then must purchase their own boat.

If you already have a boat, you can keep yours (just kidding; no you can’t). If you don't want or don't need a boat, you are required to buy one anyhow. If you refuse to buy one or can’t afford one, you will be regularly fined $800 until you purchase one or face imprisonment.

Failure to use the boat will also result in fines. People living in the desert; inner cities or areas with no access to lakes are not exempt. Age, motion sickness, experience, knowledge nor lack of desire are acceptable excuses for not using your boat.

A government review board (that doesn't know the difference between the port, starboard or stern of a boat) will decide everything, including; when, where, how often and for what purposes you can use your boat along with how many people can ride your boat and determine if one is too old or healthy enough to be able to use their boat. They will also decide if your boat has out lived its usefulness or if you must purchase specific accessories,(like a $500 compass) or a newer and more expensive boat. Those that can afford yachts will be required to do so...it’s only fair.

The government will also decide the name for each boat. Failure to comply with these rules will result in fines and possible imprisonment.

Government officials are exempt from this new law. If they want a boat, they and their families can obtain boats free, at the expense of tax payers. Unions, are also exempt.

dirtbanker

06-16-2017, 09:32 AM

The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them . As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the o ld woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'

She answered "The TEETH"