The Joke Thread

[zmarkp]

First Christmas Joke:

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'
The paddy replied, 'These are Carols.'

[graciegirl]

Have trouble with the "snowflake" insult as it is thrown at just about anyone by everyone else. Looks like it is from the movie Fight Club. Or originates there.



Kind of funny as this movie Fight Club is about some guy with a split personality who does not know what he is doing half the time. Because someone else is in control of him.


Moral of the story;
Do not try to tell a joke to a person who is literal.

[Nucky]

Three men are exiled to the deepest part of the Desert as their Sentence for Horrific Crimes against Humanity.

The first man (An Irishman) said I'm gonna bring a Fan so when it gets hot we can sit in front of the fan and cool off.

The second man (A German) said I'm gonna bring a big block of ice. When it gets hot we'll put the fan behind the ice a blow a cool breeze at ourselves.

The third man A (Puerto Rican) said I'm gonna bring a car door. The other two said Miguel are you nuts? Miguel said are you kidding if it gets hot we'll roll down the window.

Feel Free to Interchange Nationalities to suit your needs.

[ColdNoMore]

A leprechaun walks into a bar. After several pitchers of beer, the leprechaun runs over to a large, mean-looking guy, sticks out his tongue and spits all over his legs. The guy reaches out to grab the leprechaun, only to miss him as he jumps back to his seat.

"If you know what's good for you, don't come near me again, or I'll rip off your little tallywhacker," yells the mean-looking guy.

After a few more pitchers, the leprechaun runs over to the mean-looking guy, sticks out his tongue and spits all over his legs again. This time, the guy successfully catches the leprechaun.

"All right, I've got you this time. I warned you -- now I'm gonna rip off your little tallywhacker!"

The leprechaun laughs, "You can't do that."

"Why not?" asks his captor.

"Because," giggles the leprechaun, "leprechauns don't have tallywhackers."

"Whadda ya mean you don't have a tallywhacker?" growls the angry man, "How in the he** do you pee?"







"Just like this," laughs the leprechaun as he sticks out his tongue and spits.

[ColdNoMore]

A dog walks into a bar and hops up on a stool.

He looks the bartender in the eye and says, "Hey, guess what? I can talk. Have you ever seen a talking dog before?"

The bartender replies, "no, actually I haven't."

The dog then says, "how about a drink?"

The bartender thinks for a moment and says...





"Sure, the toilet's right around the corner."

[ColdNoMore]

Wife: "I have a bag full of clothing I would like to donate."

Husband: "Why not just throw them away in the trash? It would be much easier."

Wife: "But there are poor, starving people who could really use these clothes."


Husband: "Honey, anyone who could fit in those clothes...is not starving."



The husband is recuperating nicely...from his severe head wound.

[Taltarzac725]

Wife: "I have a bag full of clothing I would like to donate."

Husband: "Why not just throw them away in the trash? It would be much easier."

Wife: "But there are poor, starving people who could really use these clothes."


Husband: "Honey, anyone who could fit in those clothes...is not starving."



The husband is recuperating nicely...from his severe head wound.

That is a good one.

[Barefoot]

First Christmas Joke:

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'
The paddy replied, 'These are Carols.'
I snickered out loud, good one. :clap2:

[Barefoot]

Moral: There is no moral to this story. It is what we have become, all because of snowflakes.

Have trouble with the "snowflake" insult as it is thrown at just about anyone by everyone else.

Tal, you could substitute Gen X or Millennials for snowflakes. :evil6:

[martine48]

A Scotsman is working at a sewerage. It's a warm day, so he takes off his jacket and drapes it over a handrail - where it slips off into a vast tank of poo!
He's just about to dive in when his mate shouts "It's nae guid tae do that, the jacket's ruined"

He replies "Aye, ah ken, but ma sandwiches are in the pocket"

[BK001]

Friends, please be careful. The other day I went to a Christmas party. I had a few beers, followed by a few cocktails and then a couple of shots.

I still had the sense to know that I was over the limit. That’s when I decided to do what I had never done before. I took a cab home.

Sure enough, there was a police roadblock on the way but since it was a cab, they just waved it through. I arrived home without incident.

This was both a great relief and a surprise because I had never driven a cab before. I don’t even know where I got it from. And now, it is in my garage and I don’t know what to do with it.

[BK001]

TEN REASONS WHY GOLF IS BETTER THAN SEX

10. A below par performance is considered good.
9. You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.
8. You can still make money doing it as a senior.
7. It’s much easier to find the sweet spot.
6. Foursomes are encouraged.
5. Three times a day is possible.
4. Your partner doesn’t hire a lawyer if you do it with someone else.
3. If you live in Florida, you can do it every day.
2. You don’t have to cuddle with your partner when you’re finished.
1. If your equipment gets old and rusty, you can replace it.

[tophcfa]

TEN REASONS WHY GOLF IS BETTER THAN SEX

10. A below par performance is considered good.
9. You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.
8. You can still make money doing it as a senior.
7. It’s much easier to find the sweet spot.
6. Foursomes are encouraged.
5. Three times a day is possible.
4. Your partner doesn’t hire a lawyer if you do it with someone else.
3. If you live in Florida, you can do it every day.
2. You don’t have to cuddle with your partner when you’re finished.
1. If your equipment gets old and rusty, you can replace it.

Too funny, thanks : )

[ColdNoMore]

Saw this on Facebook and probably wrong of me, but I couldn't help myself...from laughing out loud. :1rotfl:

[BK001]

Saw this on Facebook and probably wrong of me, but I couldn't help myself...from laughing out loud. :1rotfl:

Men, you can't live with them and you can't kill them! :MOJE_whot:

(I couldn't help myself either. But you started it. LOL) :)

[Nucky]

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'
Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'

OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'
Oh, Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggles to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them,' Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence. THE DEVIL MADE ME DO IT! :1rotfl:

[Dennis and Rose]

Woman has a massive heart attack and is on the operating table. As her soul is leaving her body, God says, go back you have another 25 years. Sure enough the operation is a success. Afterwards she is so happy, she treats herself to an eye job, nose job, face lift, breast augmentation. Happy with her new self she goes jogging and gets slammed by a bus. As her soul wings to heaven she yells out to God, You told me I had another 25 years. The heavens open and God replies, I'm sorry I didn't recognize you :)

[Barefoot]

Woman has a massive heart attack and is on the operating table. As her soul is leaving her body, God says, go back you have another 25 years. Sure enough the operation is a success. Afterwards she is so happy, she treats herself to an eye job, nose job, face lift, breast augmentation. Happy with her new self she goes jogging and gets slammed by a bus. As her soul wings to heaven she yells out to God, You told me I had another 25 years. The heavens open and God replies, I'm sorry I didn't recognize you :):girlneener: :clap2:

[BK001]

The President is walking out of the White House and heading towards his limo when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.

A Secret Service agent, new on the job, shouts “Mickey Mouse”. This startles the would-be assassin and he is captured.

Later the Secret Service supervisor takes the neophyte agent aside and asks “What in the hell made you shout Mickey Mouse?”

Blushing, the agent replies, “I got nervous. I meant to shout “Donald, Duck!”

[ColdNoMore]

The President is walking out of the White House and heading towards his limo when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.

A Secret Service agent, new on the job, shouts “Mickey Mouse”. This startles the would-be assassin and he is captured.

Later the Secret Service supervisor takes the neophyte agent aside and asks “What in the hell made you shout Mickey Mouse?”

Blushing, the agent replies, “I got nervous. I meant to shout “Donald, Duck!”


:1rotfl:

[Polar Bear]

Two guys grow up together, but after college one moves to Florida and the other to Colorado. They agree to meet every ten years to play golf and catch up with each other.

At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch.

"Where you wanna go?"

"Hooters."

"Why Hooters?"

"They have those broads with the big racks, the tight shorts and the gorgeous legs."

"You're on."

At age 42, they meet and play golf again.

"Where you wanna go for lunch?"

"Hooters."

"Again? Why?"

"They have cold beer, big screen TVs, and side action on the games."

"OK."

At age 52 they meet and play again. "So where you wanna go for lunch?"

"Hooters.

"Why?"

"The food is pretty good and there's plenty of parking."

"OK."

At age 62 they meet again.

After a round of golf, one says, "Where you wanna go?"

"Hooters."

"Why?"

"Wings are half price and the food isn't too spicy."

"Good choice"

At age 72 they meet again.

Once again, after a round of golf, one says, "Where shall we go for lunch?"

"Hooters."

"Why?"

"They have six handicapped parking spaces right by the door and they have senior discounts."

"Great choice."

At age 82 they meet and play again. "Where should we go for lunch?"

"Hooters."

"Why?"

"Because we've never been there before."

"Okay."

[Barefoot]

Yesterday I got my permit to carry a concealed weapon.
So, today I went over to the local Gun shop to get a 9mm handgun for home/personal protection.

When I was ready to pay for the pistol and ammo, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to the government about gun control wackos running amok,
I did just as she had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided,
I found out she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card reader!

As a senior citizen, I do not get flustered often, but this time it took me a while to get my pants back on.

I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.
They need to make their instructions to seniors a little more clear.

I still don't think I looked that bad! I just need to wear underwear more often.

[BK001]

HaHa -- Terrific!

[ColdNoMore]

:1rotfl:

[ColdNoMore]

I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.







I'll let you know.

[Polar Bear]

Russ and Sam, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.
One day Russ didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.

But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried.However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Russ lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Russ, but one day,Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold -- there sat Russ!
Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said,' For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you?'
Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.'
'Jail!' cried Sam. What in the world for?'.
'Well,' Russ said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffeeshop where I sometimes go?'

'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?
'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud, that when I got into court, I plead 'guilty'

'The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury.’

[gqd7806]

Lol

[BK001]

Russ and Sam, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.
One day Russ didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.

But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried.However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Russ lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Russ, but one day,Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold -- there sat Russ!
Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said,' For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you?'
Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.'
'Jail!' cried Sam. What in the world for?'.
'Well,' Russ said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffeeshop where I sometimes go?'

'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?
'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud, that when I got into court, I plead 'guilty'

'The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury.’

Quite a new one for me -- TERRIFIC -- Definitely will become part of my joke repertoire.

[DeanFL]

THE FIRST MESSAGE



Hey Bill ---- This is Alan next door. I’m sorry buddy, but I have a confession to make to you. I've been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling in text as I can’t live with myself a moment longer without you knowing. The truth is, I have been sharing your wife, day and night, when you're not around. In fact, probably more than you. I haven’t been getting it at home recently, but that's no excuse I know. The temptation was just too much... I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies and forgive me. I promise that it won't happen again. Please come up with a fee for usage, and I'll pay you. Regards, Alan.



THE ACTION



Bill, feeling insulted and betrayed, grabbed his gun, and shot his neighbor Alan dead. He returned home where he poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. He took out his phone where he saw he has a subsequent message from his neighbor.



THE SECOND MESSAGE



Hey Bill --- This is Alan next door again. Sorry about the slight typo on my last text. I know you've figured it out anyway, but I’m sure you noticed that my auto-correct changed ‘WiFi’ To ‘Wife’. Technology hey?!? Hope you saw the funny side of that. Regards, Alan.

[DeanFL]

In Catholic schools, students are taught that lying is a sin. Instructors are also advised that a bit of imagination is OK to express the truth differently without lying. This is a perfect example of this teaching:

Getting a hairdryer through customs

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor of you?"

"Of course child. What can I do for you?"

"I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened, but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Could you possibly hide it under your robes for me?"
"I would love to help you my dear; but, I must warn you, I will not lie!"


"With your honest face, Father, I'm sure no one will question you!"
When they got to customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."



The official thought this answer a little strange, so he asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist down to the floor?"
"I have a marvelous instrument that has been designed for use on women, but which, to date, remains unused."


Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next, please!"

[BK001]

Good one!

[Taltarzac725]

In Catholic schools, students are taught that lying is a sin. Instructors are also advised that a bit of imagination is OK to express the truth differently without lying. This is a perfect example of this teaching:

Getting a hairdryer through customs

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor of you?"

"Of course child. What can I do for you?"

"I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened, but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Could you possibly hide it under your robes for me?"
"I would love to help you my dear; but, I must warn you, I will not lie!"


"With your honest face, Father, I'm sure no one will question you!"
When they got to customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."



The official thought this answer a little strange, so he asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist down to the floor?"
"I have a marvelous instrument that has been designed for use on women, but which, to date, remains unused."


Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next, please!"

Now that is a good one. :popcorn:

[ColdNoMore]

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time.

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.. "He's a funeral director," she answered. "Interesting," the newsman thought... He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.







- She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready...and four to go."

[ColdNoMore]

Last year, I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double pane energy efficient kind. But this week, I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work had been completed a whole year and I had yet to pay for them.

Boy, oh boy, did we go around! Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.

So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast-talking sales guy had told me last year.

He said that in one year, the windows would pay for themselves.

There was silence on the other end of the line, so I just hung up, and he hasn't called back.



Guess he was embarrassed. :1rotfl:

[ColdNoMore]

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.

After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, "crushed nuts?"







"No," he replied........"Arthritis."

[ColdNoMore]

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning.

Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, "Mabel, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"

Mabel answered, "I have a suppository?"

She pulled it out and stared at it.

Then she said..."Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing."




"Now I think I know where my hearing aid is." :22yikes:

:D

[ColdNoMore]

Noisy cruises?

[BK001]

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.

After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, "crushed nuts?"


"No," he replied........"Arthritis."

That's funny!

[DanfromNC]

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag.” “Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady. “I’d better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.”
Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?”
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A
lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really send me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, ‘why not make the best of it?
So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, ‘O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.’
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what’s in the other bag?"
"Not everybody pays.

[ColdNoMore]

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag.” “Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady. “I’d better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.”
Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?”
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A
lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really send me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, ‘why not make the best of it?
So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, ‘O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.’
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what’s in the other bag?"
"Not everybody pays.

:22yikes:


:1rotfl:...:1rotfl:...:1rotfl:

[ColdNoMore]

This one hit my funny bone. :D

[Tom C]

I may use this as my new closing:

60 may be the new 40, but 9 PM is the new Midnight:1rotfl::1rotfl::1rotfl:

[ColdNoMore]

I may use this as my new closing:

60 may be the new 40, but 9 PM is the new Midnight:1rotfl::1rotfl::1rotfl:

Due to advanced age, those "rolling the rugs up"...start at 8:00PM. :D

[Ecuadog]

A hooded robber burst into a Wisconsin bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.

On his way out the door, a brave Wisconsin customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off, revealing the robbers face. The robber shot the customer without a moment's hesitation.

He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also.
The robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?"

There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly too afraid to speak

Then, one old Norwegian named Ole from Wisconsin tentatively raised his hand and said, "My wife got a pretty good look at you."

[BK001]

Haha -- Now that's a good one.

[Taltarzac725]

A hooded robber burst into a Wisconsin bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.

On his way out the door, a brave Wisconsin customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off, revealing the robbers face. The robber shot the customer without a moment's hesitation.

He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also.
The robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?"

There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly too afraid to speak

Then, one old Norwegian named Ole from Wisconsin tentatively raised his hand and said, "My wife got a pretty good look at you."

And Ole joke. I heard an awful lot of those up in Minnesota or from people who lived in MN or WI.

[ColdNoMore]

A Doctor while examining an old retired Army vet, "when was the last time you had sex?"

With a long pause the vet replies."1955 I believe"

Doctor: "Whoa! Its been a long while then?"





Vet: "Umm, I don't know...isn't it only 20:15 right now?


:D

[ColdNoMore]

A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the old saying, “You can’t take it with you.”

After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died.

He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillowcases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed.

His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven. Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer’s wife, up in the attic cleaning came upon the two forgotten pillowcases stuffed with cash.






“Oh, that old fool,” she exclaimed. “I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement.” :D

[Tom C]

I was eating breakfast with my teenage granddaughter and I asked her,
"What special day is it tomorrow?".

Without skipping a beat she said, "It's U.S. Congressman's Day!"

She's smart, so I asked her "What does that mean?".

I was not ready for what she was about to say.

She replied, "U.S. Congressman's Day is when they step out of the Capital Building and see their shadow, then we have 4 more years of Bull ****."

You know, it hurts when hot coffee spurts out of your nose.

[Taltarzac725]

I was eating breakfast with my teenage granddaughter and I asked her,
"What special day is it tomorrow?".

Without skipping a beat she said, "It's U.S. Congressman's Day!"

She's smart, so I asked her "What does that mean?".

I was not ready for what she was about to say.

She replied, "U.S. Congressman's Day is when they step out of the Capital Building and see their shadow, then we have 4 more years of Bull ****."

You know, it hurts when hot coffee spurts out of your nose.

I guess we have to wish for a very rainy day when that happens.

[ColdNoMore]

An Airbus 380 is on its way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h in 30,000 feet, when suddenly a Eurofighter with Tempo Mach 2 appears.

The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: "Airbus flight, boring flight isn’t it? Take care and have a look here!”

He rolls his jet on its back, accelerates, breaks through the sound barrier, rises rapidly to a dizzying height, only to swoop down almost to sea level in a breathtaking dive. He loops back next to the Airbus and asks, "Well, how was that?"

The Airbus pilot answers: "Very impressive, but now have a look here!"

The jet pilot watches the Airbus, but nothing happens. It continues to fly stubbornly straight, with the same speed. After five minutes, the Airbus pilot radioed, "Well, what are you saying now?"

The jet pilot asks confused: "What did you do?"

The other laughs and says, "I got up, stretched my legs, went to the back of the flight to the bathroom, got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon cake and made an appointment with the stewardess for the next three nights - in a 5 Star hotel, which is paid for by my employer. "


The moral of the story is:

When you are young, speed and adrenaline seems to be great.

But as you get older and wiser, comfort and peace are not to be despised either.

This is called S.O.S.: Slower, Older, Smarter.

Dedicated to all my friends who like me...likes the S.O.S. approach! ✈️

[jebartle]

Funny funny, oh sorry, that was a mortgage claim ad, giggle snort!!!!! Hahahahaha!

[ColdNoMore]

Two old women in a retirement village were sitting in the reading room and one said to the other, "How do you really feel? I mean, you’re 80 years old, how do you honestly feel?"

"Honestly, I feel like a new born baby."





"I’ve got no hair, no teeth, and I just wet myself."


:1rotfl:

[Tom C]

A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman"

She started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.:ho:

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by email lately."

Later that day, the blonde teenager came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the startled husband asked.

"Yes, she replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a $10.00 tip.

“And, by the way," the teenager added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

[dewilson58]

A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman"










:bigbow:

[CFrance]

Good one!

[Midnight Cowgirl]

“And, by the way," the teenager added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."


Love the ending. I wasn't expecting that!
:clap2:

[BK001]

MONA LISA'S MOTHER: After all that money your father and I spent on braces, Mona, that's the biggest smile you can give us?

HUMPTY DUMPTY'S MOTHER: Humpty, If I've told you once, I've told you a hundred times not to sit on that wall. But would you listen to me? No!

PAUL REVERE'S MOTHER: I don't care where you think you have to go, young man. Midnight is past your curfew.

COLUMBUS'S MOTHER: I don't care what you've discovered, Christopher. You could have written.

BABE RUTH'S MOTHER: Babe, how many times have I told you: quit playing ball in the house! That's the third broken window this week.

MICHELANGELO'S MOTHER: Mike, can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?

NAPOLEON'S MOTHER: All right, Napoleon. If you aren't hiding your report card inside your jacket, then take your hand out of there and prove it.

ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER: Again with the stovepipe hat, Abe? Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?

MARY'S MOTHER: I'm not upset that your lamb followed you to school, Mary, but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you.

BATMAN'S MOTHER: It's a nice car, Bruce, but do you realise how much the insurance is going to be?

GOLDILOCKS'S MOTHER: I've got a bill here for a broken chair from the Bear family. You know anything about this, Goldie?

LITTLE MISS MUFFET'S MOTHER: Well, all I've got to say is if you don't get off your tuffet and start cleaning your room there'll be a lot more spiders around here.

ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER: But, Albert, it's your senior picture. Can't you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something...?

GEORGE WASHINGTON'S MOTHER: The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!

JONAH'S MOTHER: That's a nice story, but now tell me where you've really been for the last three days.

SUPERMAN'S MOTHER: Clark, your father and I have discussed it, and we've decided you can have your own telephone. Now will you quit spending so much time in all those phone booths?

THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER: Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb, Thomas. Now turn off that light and get to bed!

[mills3186]

What do you call a dog with no legs?

Call him whatever you want but he's not gonna come!

[Rapscallion St Croix]

https://scontent-mia3-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/60454660_10213440998155877_352750744966791168_n.jp g?_nc_cat=109&_nc_ht=scontent-mia3-2.xx&oh=ec855844d7f8ba62c8550f1595bfd62a&oe=5D62A261

[Tom C]

Ten (10) Things I know about you.
1) You are reading this.
2) You are human.
3) You can't say the letter ''P'' without separating your lips.
4) You just attempted to do it. You are an idiot!
6) You are laughing at yourself.
7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5.
8) You just checked to see if there is a No. 5!!
9) You laugh at this because you are a fun-loving person, and everyone does it too.
10) You do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many.

[Bjeanj]

Well, thank goodness. I am normal! Just did exactly what you said.

:-)

[Tom C]

The 2.99 Special

We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the 'seniors special' was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $2.99.

'Sounds good,' my wife said. 'But I don't want the eggs.

'Then, I'll have to charge you $3.49 because you're ordering a la carte,' the waitress warned her.

'You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?' my wife asked incredulously.

'Yes,' stated the waitress.

'I'll take the special then,' my wife said.

'How do you want your eggs?' the waitress asked.

'Raw and in the shell,' my wife replied. She took the two eggs home and baked a cake.

DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS!

We've been around the block more than once.

[Barefoot]

"WHERE is my SUNDAY paper?!"

The irate customer calling the newspaper office loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.

"Madam", said the newspaper employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY”.

There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as she was heard to mutter . . . . .

..."Well, ****, that explains why no one was at church either.”

[BK001]

"WHERE is my SUNDAY paper?!"

The irate customer calling the newspaper office loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.

"Madam", said the newspaper employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY”.

There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as she was heard to mutter . . . . .

..."Well, ****, that explains why no one was at church either.”

Good one, Bare

[BK001]

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,'" and he left. The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple were still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven? After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "OH, COME ON!," St. Peter shouted, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"

[ColdNoMore]

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,'" and he left. The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple were still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven? After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "OH, COME ON!," St. Peter shouted, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"

OH SNAP! :1rotfl: ...:1rotfl:

[CFrance]

Here's your answer.

[Barefoot]

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,'" and he left. The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple were still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven? After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "OH, COME ON!," St. Peter shouted, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?":BigApplause:

[ColdNoMore]

A younger man and an older woman are having dinner in a restaurant.

Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away, spots that the man is slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned.

As the waitress watches, the man slides all the way under and out of sight.

Still, the woman dining opposite him appears not to notice.

Finally, the waitress comes over to the table and whispers discreetly to the woman, "pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."





"No, he didn't," the woman calmly replies. "he just walked in the door."

[BK001]

"No, he didn't," the woman calmly replies. "he just walked in the door."

Now that is "grace under fire". LOL

[CFrance]

Now that is "grace under fire". LOL
I thought the reason was going to be different, but my mind was temporarily in the gutter.:ohdear:

[ColdNoMore]

A woman sat down at her seat on the 50-yard line for the Super Bowl. A man came along and asked her if anyone was sitting in the seat next to her. "No," she said, "the seat is empty."

"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?"

Somberly, the woman says, "Well... the seat belongs to my husband. He and I were to come here together, but he passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we have not been to together."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else - a friend or relative or even a neighbor to take the seat?"





The woman shakes her head, "No, they're all at the funeral."

[Taltarzac725]

A woman sat down at her seat on the 50-yard line for the Super Bowl. A man came along and asked her if anyone was sitting in the seat next to her. "No," she said, "the seat is empty."

"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?"

Somberly, the woman says, "Well... the seat belongs to my husband. He and I were to come here together, but he passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we have not been to together."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else - a friend or relative or even a neighbor to take the seat?"





The woman shakes her head, "No, they're all at the funeral."

Now that is a good one.

[DanfromNC]

The coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, "Do you understand what co-operation is? What a team is?" "Yes, coach", replied the boy.... "Do you understand that what matters is we win or lose as a team?" The boy nodded in yes. The coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head, jerk-face or a-hole. Do you understand all that?" Again, the boy nodded yes. And when I take you out of the game so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach a dumb ass or ****head is it?" "No, coach. "Good," said the coach, "Now go over there and explain all that to your Grandmother"!

[CFrance]

Bwahaha!

[BK001]

Terrific!

[ColdNoMore]

The coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, "Do you understand what co-operation is? What a team is?" "Yes, coach", replied the boy.... "Do you understand that what matters is we win or lose as a team?" The boy nodded in yes. The coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head, jerk-face or a-hole. Do you understand all that?" Again, the boy nodded yes. And when I take you out of the game so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach a dumb ass or ****head is it?" "No, coach.

"Good," said the coach, "Now go over there and explain all that to your Grandmother"!

:1rotfl:

[ColdNoMore]

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of b*tches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of b*tches who are getting on, get your azzes in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."

She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."



As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are ticked off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the b*tch in the kitchen."

[BK001]

. . .

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are ticked off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the b*tch in the kitchen."

Bwaaaaaah! :1rotfl: :1rotfl:

[Taltarzac725]

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of b*tches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of b*tches who are getting on, get your azzes in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."

She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."



As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are ticked off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the b*tch in the kitchen."

Now that is NOTHING but a good joke. :bigbow:

[Ecuadog]

...

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are ticked off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the b*tch in the kitchen."

Absolutely love it.

[BK001]

When life gives you melons, you're dyslexic.

[CFrance]

When life gives you melons, you're dyslexic.
As a former editor, I LOVE that!!

[BK001]

As a former editor, I LOVE that!!

Yes, I thought it was good.

I've read thousands of resumes over the course of my 40 plus years in HR. I had a folder (unfortunately lost in one of our moves) of "memorable resumes", which contained some of the most unbelievable products. One was from a college graduate (from a very good school) who applied for a position as a "prufreader". I thought it had to be a joke but, unfortunately, it was not.

[ColdNoMore]

THE BAR

A guy goes into a bar. He's sitting on the stool, enjoying his drink when he hears, "You look great!" He looks around - there's nobody near him. He hears the voice again, "No really, you look terrific."

The guy looks around again. Nobody. He hears, "Is that a new shirt or something? Because you are absolutely glowing!" He then realizes that the voice is coming from a dish of nuts on the bar.

"Hey," the guy calls to the bartender, "What's with the nuts?"




"Oh," the bartender answers, "They're complimentary."


:D

[ColdNoMore]

Yes, I thought it was good.

I've read thousands of resumes over the course of my 40 plus years in HR. I had a folder (unfortunately lost in one of our moves) of "memorable resumes", which contained some of the most unbelievable products. One was from a college graduate (from a very good school) who applied for a position as a "prufreader". I thought it had to be a joke but, unfortunately, it was not.

I too have read thousands of resumes in my career and some of them...made me laugh out loud. :D

One of my favorites was the guy who took a complete additional page, to explain all of his run-ins with the law (6 or 7 separate incidents).



His last one said, "they accused me of armed robbery, but the charges were dropped because they didn't have any video proof...and couldn't find the gun." :oops:


:1rotfl:

[Tom C]

When life gives you MELONS ..... you are Dyslexic.:oops:

[ColdNoMore]

- Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.

- I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

- I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.

- My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.

- My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.

- My wife accused me of being immature. I told her to get out of my fort.

[ColdNoMore]

When life gives you MELONS ..... you are Dyslexic.:oops:

:1rotfl:

[ColdNoMore]

Carpool Lane Violation (zoom-by here) (http://www.yahoo.com/lifestyle/hearse-carpool-lane-pulled-over-corpse-123024859.html)

A Nevada Highway Patrol trooper was stunned after he pulled over a hearse that was driving in the carpool lane on Monday, and the driver asked if the corpse he was transporting counted as a passenger.

Trooper Travis Smaka spotted the Chrysler minivan hearse going southbound in the HOV lane on Interstate 15, according to the Los Angeles Times. The driver appeared to be alone — but that was because Smaka was not counting ”the dearly departed in the back,” as Nevada Highway Patrol Southern Command later explained on Twitter.

So Smaka flashed the lights of his patrol car and pulled over the hearse driver, collecting his license and registration. He was expecting to hear one of the more typical excuses — that the driver was running late for an appointment or on his way to an emergency situation.

But instead, the driver nodded toward the rear of the minivan. Smaka took the hint and asked, “Oh, you have a deceased in the back?”

That’s when the driver pressed his luck and replied, "So, he doesn't count?" according to Fox News. The trooper had no choice but to break the bad news — cars are only allowed in the carpool lane when they’re carrying at least two “living, breathing people.”

“He’s not with us” he told the driver, then clarified, “This body was in the rear cargo and that doesn’t qualify as a seat.”



:1rotfl:

[dewilson58]

- Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.

- I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

- I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.

- My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.

- My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.

- My wife accused me of being immature. I told her to get out of my fort.






:clap2:

[ColdNoMore]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J4s2-8fGN3s










:1rotfl:

[BK001]

LOL very funny

[ColdNoMore]

I would be worried about a lawsuit...from someone having a heart attack. :1rotfl:

Tourist terrified by new glass walkway that cracks under weight - YouTube (https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=1&v=Oo0NJsr5m4I)


On second thought it's China...so never mind. :D


Edit: Look at the guy on the left @ :40...he peed his pants! :1rotfl:...:1rotfl:

[BK001]

I was having trouble with my computer so I called my 13-year old son to help me.

He clicked a couple of buttons and fixed it. As he was walking back to his room I asked him what the problem was.

He said: "It was in ID ten-t" issue. Not wanting to sound stupid but curious in case I had the same problem again, I asked him what an Id-Ten t was.

"Write it down," he said. So I did.


IDIOT. (He never was my favorite child.)

[BK001]

I was at a bar the other night and overheard 3 very hefty women talking. Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I asked, “Hello, ladies are you lassies from Scotland?”

One of them angrily screeched, “It’s Wales you bloody idiot, Wales!”

So I apologized and replied, “I am so sorry. So are you three whales from Scotland?” And that’s the last thing I remember.

[ColdNoMore]

I was having trouble with my computer so I called my 13-year old son to help me.

He clicked a couple of buttons and fixed it. As he was walking back to his room I asked him what the problem was.

He said: "It was in ID ten-t" issue. Not wanting to sound stupid but curious in case I had the same problem again, I asked him what an Id-Ten t was.

"Write it down," he said. So I did.


IDIOT. (He never was my favorite child.)

I can see that...from my kids. :D

[Ann Marie Acacio]

For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine:

Tom was driving home from a business trip in Northern Arizona when he saw an elderly Navajo man walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, he stopped the car and asked the Navajo man if he would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the man got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Tom tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo man. The old man just sat silently, looking intently at everything he saw, studying every little detail, until he noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Tom.

'What in bag?' asked the old man. Tom looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's bottle of wine. I got it for my wife.'

The Navajo man was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, he said:
'Good trade.....'

[Polar Bear]

...
'Good trade.....'
That’s not the slightest bit funny!!!

(My wife reads this thread. :) )

[ColdNoMore]

How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?



Rename the mail folder..."Instruction Manuals."

[jebartle]

Is the sponsored link a joke, sorry!

[CFrance]

I can see that...from my kids. :D
I had a friend whose son worked IT for a large corporation. They had an answer for the question What was the problem? "PIC"--Person In Chair.

[Barefoot]

:1rotfl::mademyday:For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine:

Tom was driving home from a business trip in Northern Arizona when he saw an elderly Navajo man walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, he stopped the car and asked the Navajo man if he would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the man got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Tom tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo man. The old man just sat silently, looking intently at everything he saw, studying every little detail, until he noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Tom.

'What in bag?' asked the old man. Tom looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's bottle of wine. I got it for my wife.'

The Navajo man was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, he said:
'Good trade.....'

[Velvet]

Understanding engineers -

To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

[ColdNoMore]

Ain't it the truth! :D

[Polar Bear]

Understanding engineers -

To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Hey! I resemble that remark!! :)

[CWGUY]

Ain't it the truth! :D

The missing 2% must be math! :icon_wink:

[ColdNoMore]

NOPE...JUST NOPE! :1rotfl:...:1rotfl:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nae9qjgFp98

[Barefoot]

I haven't read all the jokes on this thread, forgive me if this has already been posted.
And please also forgive me if it offends anyone, but I couldn't resist.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

All arrivals in heaven have to go through an examination to determine if admission will be granted.

One room has a clerk who inputs records of what each applicant did on their last day of life. The first day’s applicant explains that his last day was not good.

"I came home early and found my wife naked in bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry and the shower was completely dry too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover.

I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB clinging to the rail by his fingertips. I was angry and bashed his fingers with a flower pot.
He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by an awning.
Seeing him still alive, I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him.
At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died.”

The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the waiting room.
The second applicant said that his last day was his worst.
"I was on an apartment building roof working on AC equipment.
I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building.
I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment, but some idiot came rushing out and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell, but landed on an awning and survived. But, as I looked up, I saw a huge chest falling toward me.
I was hit and killed by the chest.”

The clerk couldn't help but chuckle as he directs the man to the waiting room. He is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters.
The clerk apologizes and says, "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the two fellows who arrived here just before you.”

"I don't know," replies the man.

"Picture this. I'm buck naked hiding in this cedar chest and.......

[BK001]

A totally new one for me -- very good. We seem to have the same "perverted" sense of humor (intended to be a compliment!) LOL

[Barefoot]

A totally new one for me -- very good. We seem to have the same "perverted" sense of humor. Yes, we do have the same sense of humor; I always laugh at your jokes.

[Polar Bear]

A totally new one for me -- very good. We seem to have the same "perverted" sense of humor (intended to be a compliment!) LOL
Add me to the list! :D

[BK001]

The United Way of Lady Lake realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.
The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?'

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?'

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, 'Uh... no, I didn't know that.'

'Secondly,' says the lawyer, ' did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?

The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.

'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and four children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?'

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm so sorry, I had no idea.'

And the lawyer says, 'So... if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?

[Barefoot]

The United Way of Lady Lake realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.
The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?'

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?'

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, 'Uh... no, I didn't know that.'

'Secondly,' says the lawyer, ' did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?

The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.

'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and four children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?'

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm so sorry, I had no idea.'

And the lawyer says, 'So... if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?:a20:

[Taltarzac725]

The United Way of Lady Lake realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.
The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?'

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?'

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, 'Uh... no, I didn't know that.'

'Secondly,' says the lawyer, ' did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?

The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.

'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and four children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?'

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm so sorry, I had no idea.'

And the lawyer says, 'So... if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?

Well to be honest I do not know any lawyers who fit that bill.

[Polar Bear]

Well to be honest I do not know any lawyers who fit that bill.
They’re lawyers, Tal. This sort of joke comes with the territory! :)

[Taltarzac725]

They’re lawyers, Tal. This sort of joke comes with the territory! :)

I did hear an awful lot of lawyer jokes in law school. And I went to BYU Law School for ten days in 1982. Dropped out to get a MA at the U of Denver where I also looked into getting a dual Law/Librarianship program in 1984. Got a job where they indexed Legal Resource Index in Belmont, CA. I was in with the Business Area Databank indexers. Then returned to law school but in Minneapolis at the U of MN. 1986-1989. Class of 1989. Then worked in the law library there for another two years or so.

Lawyer jokes were a past time often at law school. And I lived in a HUGE dorm my 2nd and 3rd year of law school. Lots of lawyer jokes around the dorm.

Links for lawyer jokes-- Lawyer Jokes - The Good, the Bad and the Dirty (http://www.iciclesoftware.com/LawJokes/IcicleLawJokes.html)

World's best (and worst) lawyer jokes - Lawyers Weekly (https://www.lawyersweekly.com.au/folklaw/6045-world-s-best-and-worst-lawyer-jokes)

Really like this one--

Q: What does a lawyer get when you give him Viagra?
A: Taller.

[Barefoot]

An Old Golfer Speaks out:

We had a power outage at our house this morning and my PC, laptop, TV, DVD, iPad & my new surround sound music system were all shut down.

Then I discovered that my mobile phone battery was dead and, to top it off, it was raining outside, so I couldn't play golf.

I went into the kitchen to make coffee and then I remembered that this also needs power, so I sat and talked with my wife for a couple of hours.

She seems like a nice person.

[BK001]

Jim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend. One evening, after the
honeymoon, he was cleaning his golf shoes. His wife was standing there watching him.

After a long period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are
married I think it's time you quit golfing. Maybe you should sell your golf clubs."
Jim gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

“For a minute there you were sounding like my ex-wife.”
"Ex wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"

“I wasn't!”

[ColdNoMore]

Jim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend. One evening, after the
honeymoon, he was cleaning his golf shoes. His wife was standing there watching him.

After a long period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are
married I think it's time you quit golfing. Maybe you should sell your golf clubs."
Jim gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

“For a minute there you were sounding like my ex-wife.”
"Ex wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"

“I wasn't!”

:1rotfl:





I joined the gym and asked my trainer, “I want to impress beautiful girls, which machine should I use?”

He retorted... “The ATM machine."


Son-of-a-gun...it worked! :1rotfl:

[Midnight Cowgirl]

:1rotfl:





I joined the gym and asked my trainer, “I want to impress beautiful girls, which machine should I use?”

He retorted... “The ATM machine."


Son-of-a-gun...it worked! :1rotfl:


You have just proven to me that a picture's worth a thousand words.

Fortunately, I'm speechless!
:bigbow:

[BK001]

:1rotfl:





I joined the gym and asked my trainer, “I want to impress beautiful girls, which machine should I use?”

He retorted... “The ATM machine."


Son-of-a-gun...it worked! :1rotfl:


HaHa -- So true! Good one.

[Barefoot]

John, who lived in the north of England, decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy Shawn, so they loaded up John’s minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible downpour, so they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

“ I realize it’s terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I’m recently widowed,” she explained, “and I’m afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.”

“ Don’t worry.” John said. “We’ll be happy to sleep in the barn and if the weather breaks, we’ll be gone at first light.”

The lady agreed and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared so they got on their way and enjoyed a great weekend of golf.

But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the golf weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Shawn and asked, “Shawn, do you remember that good looking widow on the farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in Scotland about 9 months ago?”

“ Yes, I do,” said Shawn. “ Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house, and pay her a visit?” “ Well, um, yes,” Shawn said, a little embarrassed about being found out.

“I have to admit that I did.” “ And did you happen to give her my name and address instead of telling her your name?”

Shawn’s face turned beet red and he said, “Yeah, look, I’m sorry, buddy.

I’m afraid I did. Why do you ask?”

“She just died and left me everything.”

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

You thought the ending would be different, didn’t you?

[ColdNoMore]

Awesome Barefoot! :1rotfl:

[Taltarzac725]

This girl is a keeper!!!!
It happened at a New York Airport. This is hilarious. I
wish I had the guts of this girl. An award should go to the United
Airlines gate agent in New York for being smart and funny, while
making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably
deserved to fly as cargo. For all of you out there who have had to
deal with an irate customer, this one is for you.

A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A
single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.

Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try
to help you, but I've got to help these folks first; and then I'm
sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that
the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her
public address microphone. "May I have your attention, please?", she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him with his identity, please come to Gate 14".

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically,
the man glared at the United Airlines agent, gritted his teeth, and said, **** You!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry sir,
you'll have to get in line for that, too."

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to
dance in the rain...

[BK001]

Excellent Tal. You are getting better and better or as Nucky would say "betterer and betterer".

[chuck90199]

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and “in heat,” agreed to look after her
neighbor’s male dog while the neighbor was on vacation.
She had a large house and she believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.

However,as she was drifting off to sleep, she heard awful howling and moaning
sounds.

She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together and unable to
disengage, as frequently happens when dogs mate.

Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, and although it
was very late at night, she called her vet, who answered in a very
grumpy voice.

After sheexplained the problem to him, the vet said, “Hang up the phone and
place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the
noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw.”

“Do you think that will work?” she asked.

“Just worked for me,” he replied.

[ColdNoMore]

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and “in heat,” agreed to look after her
neighbor’s male dog while the neighbor was on vacation.
She had a large house and she believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.

However,as she was drifting off to sleep, she heard awful howling and moaning
sounds.

She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together and unable to
disengage, as frequently happens when dogs mate.

Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, and although it
was very late at night, she called her vet, who answered in a very
grumpy voice.

After sheexplained the problem to him, the vet said, “Hang up the phone and
place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the
noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw.”

“Do you think that will work?” she asked.

“Just worked for me,” he replied.

:1rotfl:..:1rotfl:


That one really hit home, given my over 35 years in management, in an industry where I was basically expected to pick up the phone...24/7/365.

And those calls were NEVER to let me know..."all is well." :(

Getting chewed out for not answering a call, even though I was on vacation in Italy fer cripes sake...was probably the low point. :mad:

[ColdNoMore]

While intended for a bit younger audience than most here, having been in this situation at one time (as I'm sure many others were)...I still find it hilarious. :1rotfl:


I got a teenage daughter and a menopausal wife.

One’s getting breasts, one’s getting whiskers.

My life is over.

[Barefoot]

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and “in heat,” agreed to look after her
neighbor’s male dog while the neighbor was on vacation.
She had a large house and she believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.

However,as she was drifting off to sleep, she heard awful howling and moaning
sounds.

She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together and unable to
disengage, as frequently happens when dogs mate.

Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, and although it
was very late at night, she called her vet, who answered in a very
grumpy voice.

After sheexplained the problem to him, the vet said, “Hang up the phone and
place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the
noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw.”

“Do you think that will work?” she asked.

“Just worked for me,” he replied.
:girlneener: Good one.

[BK001]

Too Soon? Oh well ...


During a major hurricane the order is given to evacuate.
However a devout christian is confident that the lord will protect him from the storm.

As the water begins to rise a police man comes by in a 4 wheel drive and makes a call for evacuation.

“The lord will save us.” The man says confidently. The cop shrugs and drives off.

The water continues to rise until the street is flooded. A FEMA worker comes along in a rowboat and asks the man to come with since it might be his last chance. He declines again, confident in God’s power.

Well it gets really bad and they are forced to take refuge on the roof of their house. Against all odds a helicopter comes by. The pilot gets on the loudspeaker and says that this absolutely the last chance for rescue.

Still the man refuses help and sits on the roof.

Well the water rises some more and he drowns. He arrives in heaven and stands before god.

“Lord, I put my faith in you, why didn’t you save me from that storm?” he asks in distress.

“What are you talking about? I sent you a truck a boat and a helicopter!” God answers with a snort.

[BK001]

Three men find themselves at a beach-side resort in the Caribbean...
... and they soon begin to discuss their lives and how they came to be there.

The first man says, "I use to run a successful business in the Mid West. One day unfortunately there was a huge fire and my entire warehouse burned to the ground. I collected the insurance on it and decided to move here."

The other two nod, slightly sympathetically.

The second man says, "Similar story here. I used to run a jewelry store back in LA, but unfortunately one night there was a massive break in. I collected the insurance that I had on the jewelry and moved down here to settle."

They look at the third guy. He says, "I used to run a small fishing business on the East Coast. Last year unfortunately the entire thing was ruined by a hurricane. I collected my insurance and moved here."

The first two guys look at each other for a minute. Finally, one says, "How do you start a hurricane?"

[ColdNoMore]

...:D

[Tom C]

I've started investing in stocks:

Beef, Chicken and Vegetable .....

One day I hope to become a Bouillonaire!

:throwtomatoes:

[Taltarzac725]

"I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it."

Rodney Dangerfield :clap2:

[Polar Bear]

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it....
Q: What did the bartender say after Charles Dickens ordered a martini?

A: "Olive or twist?"

[Taltarzac725]

Q: What did the bartender say after Charles Dickens ordered a martini?

A: "Olive or twist?"

Like that one. :MOJE_whot:

[600th Photo Sq]

Too Soon? Oh well ...


During a major hurricane the order is given to evacuate.
However a devout christian is confident that the lord will protect him from the storm.

As the water begins to rise a police man comes by in a 4 wheel drive and makes a call for evacuation.

“The lord will save us.” The man says confidently. The cop shrugs and drives off.

The water continues to rise until the street is flooded. A FEMA worker comes along in a rowboat and asks the man to come with since it might be his last chance. He declines again, confident in God’s power.

Well it gets really bad and they are forced to take refuge on the roof of their house. Against all odds a helicopter comes by. The pilot gets on the loudspeaker and says that this absolutely the last chance for rescue.

Still the man refuses help and sits on the roof.

Well the water rises some more and he drowns. He arrives in heaven and stands before god.

“Lord, I put my faith in you, why didn’t you save me from that storm?” he asks in distress.

“What are you talking about? I sent you a truck a boat and a helicopter!” God answers with a snort.

1/4 Laugh

[BK001]

1/4 Laugh

Oh well, "any port in a storm".

[Barefoot]

Three men find themselves at a beach-side resort in the Caribbean...
... and they soon begin to discuss their lives and how they came to be there.

The first man says, "I use to run a successful business in the Mid West. One day unfortunately there was a huge fire and my entire warehouse burned to the ground. I collected the insurance on it and decided to move here."

The other two nod, slightly sympathetically.

The second man says, "Similar story here. I used to run a jewelry store back in LA, but unfortunately one night there was a massive break in. I collected the insurance that I had on the jewelry and moved down here to settle."

They look at the third guy. He says, "I used to run a small fishing business on the East Coast. Last year unfortunately the entire thing was ruined by a hurricane. I collected my insurance and moved here."

The first two guys look at each other for a minute. Finally, one says, "How do you start a hurricane?":girlneener:

[Barefoot]

During a major hurricane the order is given to evacuate.
However a devout christian is confident that the lord will protect him from the storm.

As the water begins to rise a police man comes by in a 4 wheel drive and makes a call for evacuation.

“The lord will save us.” The man says confidently. The cop shrugs and drives off.

The water continues to rise until the street is flooded. A FEMA worker comes along in a rowboat and asks the man to come with since it might be his last chance. He declines again, confident in God’s power.

Well it gets really bad and they are forced to take refuge on the roof of their house. Against all odds a helicopter comes by. The pilot gets on the loudspeaker and says that this absolutely the last chance for rescue.

Still the man refuses help and sits on the roof.

Well the water rises some more and he drowns. He arrives in heaven and stands before god.

“Lord, I put my faith in you, why didn’t you save me from that storm?” he asks in distress.

“What are you talking about? I sent you a truck, a boat and a helicopter!” God answers with a snort.Belly laugh; but perhaps we are on the same wavelength.

[Polar Bear]

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob’s arm and listens intently to his every word.
His buddies at the club are all aghast. At their very first chance, they corner him and ask, “Bob, how’d you get the trophy girlfriend?” Bob replied, “Girlfriend? She's my wife!” They’re knocked over, but continue to ask: “So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?” “I lied about my age,” Bob replied. “What? Did you tell her you were only 50?”
Bob smiled and said, “No, I told her I was 90.”

[ColdNoMore]

Genie: "I shall grant you three wishes."

Me: "Great, I wish for a world without lawyers."

Genie: "Your wish is granted...you have no more wishes."

Me: "But, you said I had three wishes."







Genie: "So sue me." :D

[Taltarzac725]

Genie: "I shall grant you three wishes."

Me: "Great, I wish for a world without lawyers."

Genie: "Your wish is granted...you have no more wishes."

Me: "But, you said I had three wishes."







Genie: "So sue me." :D

I will have to remember that one.

[BK001]

Genie: "I shall grant you three wishes."

Me: "Great, I wish for a world without lawyers."

Genie: "Your wish is granted...you have no more wishes."

Me: "But, you said I had three wishes."




Genie: "So sue me." :D

Love it!

[Barefoot]

Genie: "I shall grant you three wishes."

Me: "Great, I wish for a world without lawyers."

Genie: "Your wish is granted...you have no more wishes."

Me: "But, you said I had three wishes."

Genie: "So sue me." :D
:1rotfl:

[Barefoot]

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob’s arm and listens intently to his every word.
His buddies at the club are all aghast. At their very first chance, they corner him and ask, “Bob, how’d you get the trophy girlfriend?” Bob replied, “Girlfriend? She's my wife!” They’re knocked over, but continue to ask: “So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?” “I lied about my age,” Bob replied. “What? Did you tell her you were only 50?”
Bob smiled and said, “No, I told her I was 90.”
I'm just catching up, reviewing jokes. This is a good one. :girlneener:

[bilcon]

After a really bad round, the golfer spots a lake at the 18th hole. He says to his caddy, "I thing i'll drown myself." The caddy answers, "I don't think you can keep your head down that long."

Another golfer had 160 yard shot to the hole. He says to his caddy, "do you think I can get there with a 5 iron." His caddy responds, "eventually"

[Barefoot]

After a really bad round, the golfer spots a lake at the 18th hole. He says to his caddy, "I thing i'll drown myself." The caddy answers, "I don't think you can keep your head down that long." I love this one. :ho:

[#1bulldog]

My wife and I saw a doctor to help us with memory issues. He suggested we write things down to help our recall.

That evening, while in bed, my wife asks me for a dish of vanilla ice cream. She suggests I practice by writing it down. “No way! I can’t forget that” was my reply. As I left the bedroom, she asked for whipped cream also. I said ok and she again asked me to write it down. My reply was the same. I reached the kitchen and I heard her ask for a cherry on top. Again she asked me to write it down, but I told her “I got it, vanilla ice cream, whipped cream and a cherry on top.”

Ten minutes later I returned with a plate of bacon and eggs. She replied, “I told you, you should have written it down. You forgot my toast.”

[BK001]

Things that make you say What?

❗️I went through the McDonald's driveway window and I gave the cashier a $5 bill.
Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her 25c.
She said, 'you gave me too much money.'
I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar back.'
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the 25c, and said 'We're sorry but we don’t do that kind of thing.'
The cashier then proceeded to give me back 75 cents in change.
Do not confuse the people at MacD's.

❗️We had to have the garage door repaired.
The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'You need a 1/4 horsepower.'
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.'
We haven't used that repairman since...

❗️I live in a semi rural area.
We recently had a new neighbor call the local city council office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.

The reason: 'Too many deers are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'

❗️ My daughter went to a Mexican fast food and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.

❗️ I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

❗️ The pedestrian light on the corner beeps when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an 'intellectually challenged' co-worker of mine.
She asked if I knew what the beeper was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'what on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
She is a government employee.....

❗️ When my wife and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up our car after a service, we were told the keys had been locked in it.
We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
‘Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!'
His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.'

[DanBrew]

A buddy and his proctologist friend go out to play a round of golf. After the first hole they realize that they forgot a pencil to write down the scores so the proctologist's buddy says to him "Hey, let me use that pen in your pocket" Proctologist hands it to him and the guy says, "This isn't a pen, its a rectal thermometer." Proctologist apologizes, reaches in his pocket again and hands him another pen. Guy gets it and says again, "this isnt a pen either, it too is a rectal thermometer. Proctologist puts it back in his pocket and says, "Dang, some ahole has my pen"

[ColdNoMore]

http://www.dumpaday.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/12/mimes.jpg

[ColdNoMore]

At a medical check-up:

"Do you do dangerous sports?"

"Well, sometimes I talk back at my wife."

-------

And here’s another lesson in good manners:

Throwing the bouquet behind you to see who’s next?

Really poor taste at funerals.


-------

Husband leaves the house with the dog.

Wife asks: "Are you taking the donkey for a walk?"

Husband: "You mean the dog, right?"

Wife: "Shush, I am talking to the dog!"

[ColdNoMore]

The Queen takes the visiting pope for a ride in a carriage through London.

Suddenly one of the horses farts very loudly. “I am terribly sorry,” apologizes the embarrassed Queen.

The pope replies, “Oh don’t worry, if you hadn’t said anything, I’d just think it was the horse!”


------


At a job interview:

“Mrs. Lober, what do you consider your greatest weakness?”

“Honesty.”

“Really? I don’t believe that is a weakness at all.”

“And I don’t give a rat’s fart about your stupid opinion!”

[ColdNoMore]

:1rotfl:

[CFrance]

Some great ones, CDM!

[ColdNoMore]

Some great ones, CDM!

Thanks M'lady. :ho:

[bilcon]

I noticed three hefty women in the bar and their were talking with an accent. I went over and said, "Evening Lassies, are you from Scotland?" One of them screeched at me: "No you idiot, Wales." I said sorry, "Are you three Whales from Scotland.? That's the last thing I remember.

[ColdNoMore]

Although not technically a "joke," it did make me chuckle at reading about how Karma...seems to have nailed this dude. :thumbup:

Cheater Busted (pucker up here) (http://www.yahoo.com/lifestyle/man-hot-water-being-caught-204056648.html)

Last Saturday, CBS reporter Roger Gonzalez shared a clip in which the man — identified as Deyvi Andrade — was at a match between Barcelona SC and Delfin. Andrade is seen with his arm around a woman and kissing her before realizing that the moment was caught on a kiss cam. He immediately pulls his arm away from her and stares straight ahead with a grim expression on his face.

"When you kiss your side chick and realize your marriage is over cuz you're on camera," Gonzalez jokingly captioned the clip on Twitter.

[ColdNoMore]

Pretty much dead on. :D

[ColdNoMore]

Q: My child doesn't want to eat meat. With what can I replace it?






A: A dog. Dogs love meat.

[CWGUY]

:ohdear: I have two tickets for the 2020 SUPER BOWL, both box seats. I paid $2,500 each ticket, but I didn't realize last year when I bought them, it was going to be on the same day as my wedding. If you are interested, I am looking for someone to take my place... It's at St. Tim's Church, in The Villages at 3 p.m. Her name is Stacy. She's 5'2, about 120 lbs. She's a good cook, cleans and does dishes too. She'll be the one in the white dress. :)

[ColdNoMore]

Real bravery! :1rotfl:...:1rotfl:...:1rotfl:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HF_AGSQXdvU

[martine48]

A little girl is sitting on Grandads knee. Grandad she says can you make a noise like a frog. Yes says Grandad, but why would you want me to do that. Well says the little girl Mummy says when you croak were all going to Disneyland

[Fredman]

A little girl is sitting on Grandads knee. Grandad she says can you make a noise like a frog. Yes says Grandad, but why would you want me to do that. Well says the little girl Mummy says when you croak were all going to Disneyland

Great one

[Fredman]

Interviewed a woman for employment, went over the job description and duties. Asked her if she had any questions. She replied “ how many sick days will i get” that ended the interview.

[Kenswing]

People that confuse the words "burro" and "burrow" don't know their a$$ from a hole in the ground..

[ColdNoMore]

An Airbus 380 is on its way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h in 30,000 feet, when suddenly a Eurofighter with Tempo Mach 2 appears.

The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: "Airbus flight, boring flight isn’t it? Take care and have a look here!”

He rolls his jet on its back, accelerates, breaks through the sound barrier, rises rapidly to a dizzying height, only to swoop down almost to sea level in a breathtaking dive. He loops back next to the Airbus and asks, "Well, how was that?"

The Airbus pilot answers: "Very impressive, but now have a look here!"

The jet pilot watches the Airbus, but nothing happens. It continues to fly stubbornly straight, with the same speed. After five minutes, the Airbus pilot radioed, "Well, what are you saying now?"

The jet pilot asks confused: "What did you do?" The other laughs and says, "I got up, stretched my legs, went to the back of the flight to the bathroom, got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon cake."

The moral of the story is:

When you are young, speed and adrenaline seems to be great. But as you get older and wiser, comfort and peace are not to be despised either.

This is called S.O.S.: Slower, Older, Smarter.


:ho:

[ColdNoMore]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gpN9CGrK6IQ

[Chi-Town]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gpN9CGrK6IQ

I felt her pain. 😉

[Chi-Town]

So true.

[ColdNoMore]

Fer sure.

[ColdNoMore]

At times like these, a little humor...is much appreciated.

[ColdNoMore]

:1rotfl:

[Ecuadog]

https://www.talkofthevillages.com/forums/members/ecuadog-25564/albums/ecuadog-stuff/8978-mummy-mistake.jpg

[CFrance]

A young guy from North Carolina moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Carolina."

Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job.

"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.

"How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One". The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day.

That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Carolina, but you're not in the mountains anymore, son."
The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"

The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".

The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?"

The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing

[Ecuadog]

I love it.

[ColdNoMore]

Some people have accused me of using too many contractions, but...


It's what it's.


.

[leftyf]

Well, I thought it was cute

[BK001]

Ina Nicosia-Schelker warns... Watch out ladies!! You have been warned! - YouTube (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kb9aJzA5Mfg)

[Decadeofdave]

A blonde is driving in the country and sees a blonde in a rowboat in a corn field, rowing. She looks at her husband in the passenger seat and says, that woman in that rowboat gives all blonds a bad reputation. If I could swim I would go out there and kick her ass.

[ColdNoMore]

Ina Nicosia-Schelker warns... Watch out ladies!! You have been warned! - YouTube (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kb9aJzA5Mfg)

:1rotfl::1rotfl::1rotfl:

[retiredguy123]

Two engineers were standing under a flagpole when a woman walked by and asked what they were doing. They said that they needed to measure the height of the pole, but they didn't have a ladder. The woman took a wrench from her purse and removed the nuts at the bottom of the pole and laid it down on the ground. Then, she took out a tape measure, measured the pole, and told them it was 29 feet, 8 inches. After she left, one engineer said to other, "a lot of good that will do us, she gave us the length, but we need the height".

[Bjeanj]

A group of 12 women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husbands. The women were asked"How many of you love your husband?" All the women raised their hands.


Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?" Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember.

The women were then told to take out their cellphones and text their husband "I love you, sweetheart."

Next the women were instructed to exchange phones with another woman and read aloud the text message they received in response to their message.

Below are 12 actual hilarious replies from their husbands.
If you have been married for quite a while, you understand that these replies are a sign of true love.
Who else would reply in such a succinct and honest way?

1. Who the hell is this?
2. Hey, mother of my children, are you sick or what?
3. Yeah, and I love you too. What's wrong?
4. What now? Did you wreck the car again?
5. I don't understand what you mean?
6. What the hell did you do now?
7. Are you sure this is for me?
8. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?
9. Am I dreaming?
10. If you don't tell me who this message is for, someone will die.
11. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.
12. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she?

[Annie66]

A man got married, and on their wedding night, he made his wife promise to never look in the box in the attic. For thirty years, she was faithful to her promise, but finally she broke down. She went to the attic and opened the box. There she found a large stack of $100 bills and 2 golf balls.

Later that night, she confessed to her indiscretion, and asked her husband what was the reason for the 2 golf balls. He admitted that every time he was unfaithful with another women, he would put a golf ball in the box. His wife, being very understanding, said that being unfaithful twice in 30 years really wasn't a big deal. Her husband then added that every time he collected a dozen balls, he sold them. His wife collapsed on the floor.