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ColdNoMore
03-30-2018, 03:51 PM
It occurred to me, that instead of always needing to start a separate thread to post a joke...maybe a stand-alone thread would work better. :shrug:

So, I guess we'll see if folks find it easier just to post their jokes here...instead of always starting another thread.

I'll go first.


Stewart and his wife Penny celebrating fortieth years together. Their three children,all very successful, all agreed to a Saturday dinner in their honor.

“Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad” gushed son number one Marc, a cardiologist, “Sorry I’m running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know the rules, and didn’t have time to get you a gift.”

“Do not worry son! ” said Stewart, the important thing is that we’re all together today.”

Son number two Jamie, a lawyer, arrived and announced “You and Dad look great Mom”. I just flew in from Chicago between depositions and didn’t have time to shop for you”.

“Do not worry son!,” said Penny. “We’re glad you were able to come.”

Just then the daughter Eliza,a marketing executive, arrived. “Hello and Happy Anniversary! I’m sorry but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing, so I didn’t have time to get you anything.”

After they finished dinner, Stewart said, “There’s something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time.You see, we were very poor. But we worked hard, we were able to send each of you to university. Throughout the years your mother and I knew we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married.”

The three children were bewildered and all said, “You mean we’re bastards?”

“Yes,” said Stewart, “and cheap ones too!”

:D

ColdNoMore
03-30-2018, 04:22 PM
I apologize in advance Chi...but I thought this was pretty funny! :D


Mama and Papa Bear are accused of child abuse. Baby Bear is put on the stand to testify and is asked by the judge, “Do you want to live with Papa Bear?”

“No” Baby Bear replies, “he beats me.”

Then the judge asks, “Do you want to live with Mama Bear?”

“No” Baby Bear replies, “she beats me too.”

So the Judge says, “Who do you want to live with then?”

Baby Bear replies, “I want to live with the Chicago Bears, they don’t beat anybody!”

Chi-Town
03-30-2018, 10:25 PM
I apologize in advance Chi...but I thought this was pretty funny! :D


Mama and Papa Bear are accused of child abuse. Baby Bear is put on the stand to testify and is asked by the judge, “Do you want to live with Papa Bear?”

“No” Baby Bear replies, “he beats me.”

Then the judge asks, “Do you want to live with Mama Bear?”

“No” Baby Bear replies, “she beats me too.”

So the Judge says, “Who do you want to live with then?”

Baby Bear replies, “I want to live with the Chicago Bears, they don’t beat anybody!”
No offense taken[emoji83] . Back to to the Cubs 14 th inning.

Sent from my SM-T310 using Tapatalk

ColdNoMore
03-31-2018, 10:06 AM
A pair of chickens walks up to the circulation desk at a public library and say, “Buk Buk BUK.” The librarian decides that the chickens desire three books, and gives it to them…and the chickens leave shortly thereafter.

Around midday, the two chickens return to the circulation desk quite vexed and say, “Buk Buk BuKKOOK!” The librarian decides that the chickens desire another three books and gives it to them. The chickens leave as before.

The two chickens return to the library in the early afternoon, approach the librarian, looking very annoyed and say, “Buk Buk Buk Buk Bukkooook!” The librarian is now a little suspicious of these chickens. She gives them what they request, and decides to follow them.

She followed them out of the library, out of the town, and to a park. At this point, she hid behind a tree, not wanting to be seen. She saw the two chickens throwing the books at a frog in a pond, to which the frog was saying, “Rrredit Rrredit Rrredit…!”

ColdNoMore
03-31-2018, 10:42 PM
A foursome was on the last hole and when the last golfer drove off the tee, he hooked into a cow pasture. He advised his friends to play through and he would meet them at the clubhouse. They followed the plan and waited for their friend. After a considerable time, he appeared disheveled, bloody and badly beaten up. They all wanted to know what happened.

He explained that he went over to the cow pasture but could not find his ball. He noticed a cow wringing her tail in obvious pain. He went over and lifted her tail and saw a golf ball solidly embedded. It was a yellow ball so he knew it was not his.

A woman comes out of the bushes apparently searching for her lost golf ball. The helpful male golfer lifted the cow’s tail and asked, “Does this look like yours!?”

Taltarzac725
04-01-2018, 04:12 AM
A foursome was on the last hole and when the last golfer drove off the tee, he hooked into a cow pasture. He advised his friends to play through and he would meet them at the clubhouse. They followed the plan and waited for their friend. After a considerable time, he appeared disheveled, bloody and badly beaten up. They all wanted to know what happened.

He explained that he went over to the cow pasture but could not find his ball. He noticed a cow wringing her tail in obvious pain. He went over and lifted her tail and saw a golf ball solidly embedded. It was a yellow ball so he knew it was not his.

A woman comes out of the bushes apparently searching for her lost golf ball. The helpful male golfer lifted the cow’s tail and asked, “Does this look like yours!?”

That has got to hurt.

ColdNoMore
04-01-2018, 08:13 AM
Six old retired guys are sat playing poker at Gary’s house one night when Rocco loses 600 bucks on a single hand. At the shock of this he clutches his chest and then drops dead from a heart attack.

Tony asks, “Who’s going to go and tell the situation to his wife?”

None of them want this horrible job so they finally decide to cut the pack, and lowest card loses and has to go tell her.

Ronald draws a three and loses so he’s the one who has to go and break the bad news. The others tell him to be discreet and gentle so as not to make a bad situation even worse.

Ronald says, “Discreet? I’m the most discreet person you’ll ever meet – discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me, not a problem.”

He drives over to Rocco’s house and knocks on the door. Rocco’s wife answers and asks Ronald what he wants.

Ronald replies, “I’m sorry to have to tell you this but your husband just lost 600 bucks playing cards and is afraid to come home. He’s asked me to come over here and apologize to you.”

Rocco’s wife goes crazy and screams, ” You tell him I said drop dead!”

Ronald doesn’t bat an eyelid and says, “Ok, I’ll go tell him.”

BK001
04-02-2018, 02:33 PM
On Easter Sunday I saw a driver on Morse Boulevard texting and driving.
It made me so mad I threw my beer at him. :D

ColdNoMore
04-02-2018, 04:36 PM
On Easter Sunday I saw a driver on Morse Boulevard texting and driving.

It made me so mad I threw my beer at him. :D

:1rotfl:

Millerw1946
04-02-2018, 09:09 PM
A very protective farmer had three teenage daughters who had never been allowed to date. The three daughters were really bugging the farmer until he finally gave in. He allowed them to date on one condition, that their date had to come to the door and the farmer would greet them and approve of their choice. And so it happened. Coincidently, all three daughters had a date on the same night. The first guy shows up and knocks on the door. The farmer grabs his shotgun and goes to the door. "Hi, I'm Joe, I'm here for Flo, we're going to the show, is she ready to go?". The farmer looks him over figure he's ok and lets her go. He returns inside until anther knock at the door. He grabs his shotgun and approaches the door. "Hi, I'm Eddy, I'm here for Betty, we're going for some spaghetti, is she ready?". The farmer looks him over and figure he's ok and lets her go. He returns inside until anther knock at the door. He grabs his shotgun and approaches the door. "Hi, I'm Chuck." The farmer shot him.

ColdNoMore
04-03-2018, 08:29 PM
The grumpy Navy Master Chief saw a new face and shouted at him, “Come here! What’s your name, sailor?”

“James,” the new seaman answered.

“Listen carefully sailor, I don’t know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they’re teaching sailors in boot camp these days, but I don’t call anyone by his first name,” the chief scowled. “It their last names only; Carter,Davidson,Cooper, Jackson, whatever. And you are to refer to me as ‘Master Chief.’ Do I make myself clear?”

“Aye, Aye, Master Chief!”

“Now,what’s your last name?”

The sailor sighed. “Darling, My name is James Darling, Master Chief.”



“Okay,James, here’s what I want you to do…

Yung Dum
04-03-2018, 11:58 PM
A pair of chickens walks up to the circulation desk at a public library and say, “Buk Buk BUK.” The librarian decides that the chickens desire three books, and gives it to them…and the chickens leave shortly thereafter.

Around midday, the two chickens return to the circulation desk quite vexed and say, “Buk Buk BuKKOOK!” The librarian decides that the chickens desire another three books and gives it to them. The chickens leave as before.

The two chickens return to the library in the early afternoon, approach the librarian, looking very annoyed and say, “Buk Buk Buk Buk Bukkooook!” The librarian is now a little suspicious of these chickens. She gives them what they request, and decides to follow them.

She followed them out of the library, out of the town, and to a park. At this point, she hid behind a tree, not wanting to be seen. She saw the two chickens throwing the books at a frog in a pond, to which the frog was saying, “Rrredit Rrredit Rrredit…!”

Yikes! That's terrible.

ColdNoMore
04-04-2018, 08:00 AM
Yikes! That's terrible.

Yeah...it was pretty bad. :p




One afternoon in the Arctic, a father polar bear and his polar bear son were sitting in the snow. The cub turned to his father and said: “Dad, am I 100 per cent polar bear?”

“Of course, son,” replied the father. “You are 100 per cent polar bear.”

A few minutes later, the cub turned to his father again and said: “Dad, tell me the truth, I can take it. Am I 100 per cent polar bear? No brown bear or black bear or grizzly bear?”

The father put a loving paw on his son’s head. “Son,” he said, “I am 100 per cent polar bear, your mother is 100 per cent polar bear, so you are definitely 100 per cent polar bear.”

The cub seemed satisfied, but a few minutes later he turned to his father once more and said: “Look, Dad, I don’t want you saying things just to spare my feelings. I have to know: am I 100 per cent polar bear?”

By now the father was becoming distressed by the continual questioning and said: “Why do you keep asking if you are 100 per cent polar bear?”



The cub replied: “Because I’m freezing!”

DeanFL
04-04-2018, 08:00 AM
How does Hooters screen applicants for an interview?

They give them a bra and ask them "Can you fill this out"?

Polar Bear
04-04-2018, 08:11 AM
Yeah...it was pretty bad. :p




One afternoon in the Arctic, a father polar bear and his polar bear son were sitting in the snow. The cub turned to his father and said: “Dad, am I 100 per cent polar bear?”

“Of course, son,” replied the father. “You are 100 per cent polar bear.”

A few minutes later, the cub turned to his father again and said: “Dad, tell me the truth, I can take it. Am I 100 per cent polar bear? No brown bear or black bear or grizzly bear?”

The father put a loving paw on his son’s head. “Son,” he said, “I am 100 per cent polar bear, your mother is 100 per cent polar bear, so you are definitely 100 per cent polar bear.”

The cub seemed satisfied, but a few minutes later he turned to his father once more and said: “Look, Dad, I don’t want you saying things just to spare my feelings. I have to know: am I 100 per cent polar bear?”

By now the father was becoming distressed by the continual questioning and said: “Why do you keep asking if you are 100 per cent polar bear?”



The cub replied: “Because I’m freezing!”
Yes. We do get cold. :D

ColdNoMore
04-04-2018, 08:16 AM
Yes. We do get cold. :D

Is that why you moved from Barrow...to The Villages? :D

l2ridehd
04-04-2018, 08:21 AM
How does Hooters screen applicants for an interview?

They give them a bra and ask them "Can you fill this out"?

Not true. They ask them to stand up straight, don't move your feet, and then ask what color shoes they are wearing.

DeanFL
04-04-2018, 09:21 AM
Not true. They ask them to stand up straight, don't move your feet, and then ask what color shoes they are wearing.

I guess (not to be sexist) this applies to fat guys applying to be a Greenskeeper too.

tomwed
04-04-2018, 11:23 AM
What kind of homes do Irish Villagers prefer?

Patty O'Villas

billethkid
04-04-2018, 05:15 PM
A blond city girl named Amy marries a Wisconsin farmer.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the farmer says to her,

'The artificial insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail
into the 2 by 4 just above the cow's stall in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'

The farmer leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.

Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when Amy sees the nail,
she tells him,
'This is the one right here.'

The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blond, asks, 'Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know.
How would you know this is the right cow to be bred?'

'That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its stall,' she explains very confidently.

Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is the nail for?'

Amy turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder......

'I guess it's to hang your pants on.'

Ecuadog
04-04-2018, 05:27 PM
Now... that's funny.

ColdNoMore
04-05-2018, 09:02 PM
One day a guy found a genie lamp and rubbed and POOF!, the genie popped out. The genie said that he would give the guy three wishes but that he was a lawyer’s genie and whatever he got every lawyer got double.

First, he wished for 10 million dollars POOF! he has ten million dollars but every lawyer in the world gets 20 million!

Second, he wishes little world peace POOF! he has it. Every lawyer in the world gets...Utopia!

Third and last, he wished to donate a kidney....so every lawyer in the world had to donate both of their kidneys!

ColdNoMore
04-06-2018, 08:36 PM
I think this joke was written...by a Villager. :1rotfl:




A customer was continually bothering the waiter in a restaurant; first, he’d asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down because he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.

Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient; he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn’t throw out the pest.

“Oh, I don’t care” said the waiter with a smile, “We don’t even have an air conditioner!”

Mrs. Robinson
04-07-2018, 01:11 AM
I think this joke was written...by a Villager. :1rotfl:




A customer was continually bothering the waiter in a restaurant; first, he’d asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down because he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.

Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient; he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn’t throw out the pest.

“Oh, I don’t care” said the waiter with a smile, “We don’t even have an air conditioner!”

I think you are correct!
It could qualify for the groaner of the week! :girlneener:

CFrance
04-07-2018, 06:43 AM
A blond city girl named Amy marries a Wisconsin farmer.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the farmer says to her,

'The artificial insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail
into the 2 by 4 just above the cow's stall in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'

The farmer leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.

Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when Amy sees the nail,
she tells him,
'This is the one right here.'

The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blond, asks, 'Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know.
How would you know this is the right cow to be bred?'

'That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its stall,' she explains very confidently.

Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is the nail for?'

Amy turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder......

'I guess it's to hang your pants on.'
Good one!

CFrance
04-19-2018, 07:28 AM
A man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin
his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she
would go to Italy to secretly have the child... If she stayed in Italy to
raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned
18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, And write '
Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the Child support
payment to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey,
'she said, 'You received a very strange post card today.'

'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife
watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written:

'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.'

Three with meatballs, two without.
Send extra sauce.

Taltarzac725
04-19-2018, 08:20 AM
A man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin
his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she
would go to Italy to secretly have the child... If she stayed in Italy to
raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned
18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, And write '
Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the Child support
payment to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey,
'she said, 'You received a very strange post card today.'

'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife
watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written:

'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.'

Three with meatballs, two without.
Send extra sauce.

That one I really like. Thanks.

Ecuadog
04-19-2018, 09:32 AM
Excellent. Thanks.

Nucky
04-19-2018, 10:28 AM
CFrance, you retain the crown.

ColdNoMore
04-21-2018, 07:59 AM
What did the Zen Buddist say to the hotdog vendor?


Make me one with everything.

BK001
04-21-2018, 09:37 AM
What did the Zen Buddist say to the hotdog vendor?


Make me one with everything.

One of my alltime favorites!

600th Photo Sq
04-21-2018, 10:27 AM
It occurred to me, that instead of always needing to start a separate thread to post a joke...maybe a stand-alone thread would work better. :shrug:

So, I guess we'll see if folks find it easier just to post their jokes here...instead of always starting another thread.

I'll go first.


Stewart and his wife Penny celebrating fortieth years together. Their three children,all very successful, all agreed to a Saturday dinner in their honor.

“Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad” gushed son number one Marc, a cardiologist, “Sorry I’m running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know the rules, and didn’t have time to get you a gift.”

“Do not worry son! ” said Stewart, the important thing is that we’re all together today.”

Son number two Jamie, a lawyer, arrived and announced “You and Dad look great Mom”. I just flew in from Chicago between depositions and didn’t have time to shop for you”.

“Do not worry son!,” said Penny. “We’re glad you were able to come.”

Just then the daughter Eliza,a marketing executive, arrived. “Hello and Happy Anniversary! I’m sorry but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing, so I didn’t have time to get you anything.”

After they finished dinner, Stewart said, “There’s something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time.You see, we were very poor. But we worked hard, we were able to send each of you to university. Throughout the years your mother and I knew we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married.”

The three children were bewildered and all said, “You mean we’re bastards?”

“Yes,” said Stewart, “and cheap ones too!”

:D
Very Good .... 5 Laughs :beer3:

600th Photo Sq
04-21-2018, 10:28 AM
I apologize in advance Chi...but I thought this was pretty funny! :D


Mama and Papa Bear are accused of child abuse. Baby Bear is put on the stand to testify and is asked by the judge, “Do you want to live with Papa Bear?”

“No” Baby Bear replies, “he beats me.”

Then the judge asks, “Do you want to live with Mama Bear?”

“No” Baby Bear replies, “she beats me too.”

So the Judge says, “Who do you want to live with then?”

Baby Bear replies, “I want to live with the Chicago Bears, they don’t beat anybody!”

1/2 Laugh

ColdNoMore
04-21-2018, 02:06 PM
A man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin
his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she
would go to Italy to secretly have the child... If she stayed in Italy to
raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned
18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, And write '
Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the Child support
payment to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey,
'she said, 'You received a very strange post card today.'

'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife
watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written:

'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.'

Three with meatballs, two without.
Send extra sauce.
:1rotfl:

Good one. :thumbup:


My first reaction, after laughing, was....Mama, mama, mama, mama, mama...Mia! :D

ColdNoMore
04-28-2018, 06:32 PM
One of my alltime favorites!
Me too. :thumbup:



Today's unbearable...groaner. :D

A bear walks into a restaurant and say’s “I want a grilllllled....................................... cheese”

The waiter says “Whats with the pause?”



The bear replies “Whaddya mean, I’M A BEAR.”


:1rotfl:

tomwed
04-28-2018, 06:36 PM
It's a small world but I wouldn't want to paint it.

Polar Bear
04-28-2018, 08:37 PM
It's a small world but I wouldn't want to paint it.
Ahhh. A Steven Wright aficionado. :)

ColdNoMore
04-28-2018, 09:20 PM
It's a small world but I wouldn't want to paint it.

A young student female canvassed a wealthy neighborhood looking for odd jobs to help with her tuition, since she was not smart enough to have received any scholarships. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had anything for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

She replied, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her the paint was in the garage. A short time later, the lady came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" he asked.

"Yes," the lady answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.







"And by the way," the young woman added, "that's not a Porsche; it's a Ferrari."


:1rotfl:

Ecuadog
04-28-2018, 10:38 PM
Ahhh. A Steven Wright aficionado. :)

You have to get up pretty early in the morning... to catch me looking in your window.

CFrance
04-29-2018, 01:00 AM
A young student female canvassed a wealthy neighborhood looking for odd jobs to help with her tuition, since she was not smart enough to have received any scholarships. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had anything for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

She replied, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her the paint was in the garage. A short time later, the lady came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" he asked.

"Yes," the lady answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.







"And by the way," the young woman added, "that's not a Porsche; it's a Ferrari."


:1rotfl:
Excellent!

ColdNoMore
05-02-2018, 08:15 AM
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot.




It got so bad, I finally I had to...take his bike away.

ColdNoMore
05-02-2018, 08:20 AM
Man to his priest: “Yesterday I sinned with an 18 year old girl.”

The priest: “Squeeze 18 lemons and drink the juice all at once.”

Man: “And that frees me from my sin?”




Priest: “No, but it frees your face from that dirty grin.”

tomwed
05-02-2018, 10:56 AM
How do whales cry? blubber, blubber, blubber

ColdNoMore
05-02-2018, 11:15 AM
How do whales cry? blubber, blubber, blubber.

I know of some folks, to which that applies...perfectly!! :1rotfl:

aninjamom
05-02-2018, 12:17 PM
The grumpy Navy Master Chief saw a new face and shouted at him, “Come here! What’s your name, sailor?”

“James,” the new seaman answered.

“Listen carefully sailor, I don’t know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they’re teaching sailors in boot camp these days, but I don’t call anyone by his first name,” the chief scowled. “It their last names only; Carter,Davidson,Cooper, Jackson, whatever. And you are to refer to me as ‘Master Chief.’ Do I make myself clear?”

“Aye, Aye, Master Chief!”

“Now,what’s your last name?”

The sailor sighed. “Darling, My name is James Darling, Master Chief.”



“Okay,James, here’s what I want you to do…

I actually had a Graphics Arts teacher in high school named Mr. Darling. Everybody called him "Mr. D".

ColdNoMore
05-03-2018, 08:03 AM
Guest at a restaurant: “I refuse to eat this roastbeef. Please call the manager! “



Waiter: “That’s no use. He won’t eat it either.”

CFrance
05-03-2018, 09:49 AM
Guest at a restaurant: “I refuse to eat this roastbeef. Please call the manager! “



Waiter: “That’s no use. He won’t eat it either.”

Ha ha! The guest might have been a Villager.:a20:

ColdNoMore
05-04-2018, 05:51 PM
Beer Bottle: You break me, you get 1 year of bad luck!

Mirror: You kiddin' me? You break me, then y'all get 7 years bad luck!




Condom: Hahaha... (Condom walks off laughing)


:1rotfl:

Bjeanj
05-04-2018, 08:33 PM
Beer Bottle: You break me, you get 1 year of bad luck!

Mirror: You kiddin' me? You break me, then y'all get 7 years bad luck!




Condom: Hahaha... (Condom walks off laughing)


:1rotfl:

Oh, man! That’s pretty funny!

ColdNoMore
05-05-2018, 10:31 PM
A man wakes from a coma. The wife changes out of her black clothes and irritated, remarks,...


... "I really cannot depend on you for anything, can I?!"

ColdNoMore
05-06-2018, 03:09 PM
A sandwich walks into a bar.



The bartender says, "sorry...we don't serve food in here."

Mrs. Robinson
05-07-2018, 03:52 AM
A sandwich walks into a bar.



The bartender says, "sorry...we don't serve food in here."

Gulp!
:1rotfl:

Taltarzac725
05-07-2018, 06:45 AM
The awesome power of a wife's love
A very old man lay dying in his bed. In death's doorway, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookie wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.
With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven.
There, spread out on newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table. The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when he was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.
"Stay out of those," she said. "They're for the funeral.

Something I shared in 2015 on Facebook that just came back. This is from the same date back in 2015. I might have put it up on Talk of the Villages back then as well.

ColdNoMore
05-07-2018, 06:19 PM
"I went to a restaurant that serves breakfast at any time."


"So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance."

ColdNoMore
05-08-2018, 10:19 AM
How do you get a sweet little 80 year old lady to say the f-word?



Get another sweet little 80 year old lady to yell...




...BINGO!






:1rotfl:

CFrance
05-08-2018, 10:52 AM
You're on a roll with the one-liners, CNM!:clap2:

ColdNoMore
05-09-2018, 06:58 PM
After a particularly poor round, a golfer spotted a lake as he walked despondently up the 18th.

He looked at his caddie and said, “I’ve played so badly all day, I think I’m going to drown myself in that lake.”




The caddie, quick as a flash, replied, “I’m not sure you could keep your head down that long.”

ColdNoMore
05-10-2018, 05:35 PM
What do you have when you're holding two small green balls...in the palm of your hand?




Answer: Kermit's undivided attention.




Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck. :1rotfl:

tomwed
05-10-2018, 07:30 PM
This is not everyone's cup of tea. It's a 1956 radio comedy show of Bob and Ray. It does give you a look back in time before malls and computers.

Bob & Ray’s 40-year career began at WHDH, Boston. Bob was a disc jockey, and Ray a newscaster. When the Red Sox games were delayed on account of rain, they began to amuse each other to fill the time. Soon they had a daily show of their own, “Matinee with Bob & Ray,” an improvised, madcap exercise in controlled chaos. Over their long career, they created more than a hundred characters, all played by Bob or Ray. Wally Ballou, the hapless journalist, Mary McGoon, whose recipe for frozen ginger ale salad prefigures Martha Stewart; Biff Burns in the sports room, Webley Webster, Barry Campbell, a third rate actor with an ego the size of the universe, Mary Backstayge, Noble Wife whose pals travel the world in search of goofy adventure.

Their humor is subtle, dry, intelligent and clean. Bob & Ray have a keen ear for language, how it is used and misused by the con artists, hucksters and hustlers who populate radio and television. Their humor is timeless. Bob & Ray ‘s satire of soap operas, game shows, radio shrinks and other self-appointed “experts,” and commercials, is as pertinent today as it was in 1946. They belong in the pantheon of American humor, alongside Mark Twain, George Ade, Will Rogers, and S. J. Pearlman.

Bob And Ray November 20 1956 : Incognito : Free Download, Borrow, and Streaming : Internet Archive (https://archive.org/details/BobAndRayNovember201956)


There is more then one show if you scroll down.

ColdNoMore
05-12-2018, 09:16 AM
Two elephants meet a totally naked guy.


After a while one elephant says to the other: “I really don’t get how he can feed himself with that thing!”

tomwed
05-12-2018, 09:17 AM
Why is my laptop such a great singer? It's A DELL

ColdNoMore
05-12-2018, 09:28 AM
Why is my laptop such a great singer? It's A DELL

So, do you Cher with others?

tomwed
05-12-2018, 09:47 AM
So, do you Cher with others?Strictly solow, my speaker is broken

ColdNoMore
05-12-2018, 10:21 AM
Strictly solow, my speaker is broken

Maybe Beatles have eaten the wiring?

bilcon
05-12-2018, 11:07 AM
Old Freddie is on his death bed and is surrounded by his wife and two children and a nurse. He asks for 2 witnesses and a video camera so he can convey his last wishes. He tells his son to take the three beach houses, he tells his daughter to take the three condos on the beach, and he tells his wife to take the office buildings around the court house and then he dies. The nurse says to his wife, WOW I didn't know Freddie was that rich. His wife answers: He wasn't rich, he had a paper route.

ColdNoMore
05-12-2018, 11:36 AM
Old Freddie is on his death bed and is surrounded by his wife and two children and a nurse. He asks for 2 witnesses and a video camera so he can convey his last wishes. He tells his son to take the three beach houses, he tells his daughter to take the three condos on the beach, and he tells his wife to take the office buildings around the court house and then he dies. The nurse says to his wife, WOW I didn't know Freddie was that rich. His wife answers: He wasn't rich, he had a paper route.

:1rotfl:


A long time friend and I have our birthday's two days apart, so for 25+ years we celebrated together...by going out to dinner.

One year he brought a neighbor couple of his, but they had to leave before dessert.

When asked why they had to leave early, my buddy's wife said... "he cheated on his wife, got the other woman pregnant and now has a second job distributing newspapers early (around 3:00AM)...to pay the child support." :22yikes:

ColdNoMore
05-13-2018, 09:22 PM
A man goes to a $10 hooker and contracts crabs.

When he goes back to complain, the hooker laughs and says,



"What do you expect for $10 -- lobster?"

ColdNoMore
05-14-2018, 05:57 AM
A psychoanalyst shows a patient an inkblot, and asks him what he sees.

The patient says: "A man and woman making love."

The psychoanalyst shows him a second inkblot, and the patient says: "That's also a man and woman making love."

The psychoanalyst says: "You are obsessed with sex."



The patient says: "What do you mean I am obsessed? You are the one with all the dirty pictures.''

ColdNoMore
05-15-2018, 05:09 AM
A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that. About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the table!" The doctor says, "I’m sorry, we didn’t realize the pill was that strong! The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages."



"Nah," she says, "that's okay. We're never going back to that restaurant anyway."

Taltarzac725
05-15-2018, 07:41 AM
A man goes to a $10 hooker and contracts crabs.

When he goes back to complain, the hooker laughs and says,



"What do you expect for $10 -- lobster?"

Belongs on the Three Word Sentence thread. We are all about lobster and igloos at the moment.

ColdNoMore
05-16-2018, 08:03 PM
Very appropriate around here. :1rotfl:

ColdNoMore
05-18-2018, 05:30 AM
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?"

The engineer replies, "In the region of $175,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?"

The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?"



The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."

Mrs. Robinson
05-18-2018, 06:46 AM
Very appropriate around here. :1rotfl:

This one absolutely wins the prize!!!
:thumbup:

ColdNoMore
05-19-2018, 10:09 AM
A new monk shows up at a monastery where the monks spend their time making copies of ancient books. The new monk goes to the basement of the monastery saying he wants to make copies of the originals rather than of others' copies so as to avoid duplicating errors they might have made.

Several hours later the monks, wondering where their new friend is, find him crying in the basement.







They ask him what is wrong and he says "the word is CELEBRATE, not CELIBATE!"



:1rotfl:

600th Photo Sq
05-19-2018, 02:06 PM
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?"

The engineer replies, "In the region of $175,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?"

The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?"



The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."

Now that is a very good joke ...unlike most posted here.

CFrance
05-19-2018, 02:44 PM
Now that is a very good joke ...unlike most posted here.
Every joke is an attempt to lighten people's day.

ColdNoMore
05-19-2018, 02:58 PM
Every joke is an attempt to lighten people's day.

Exactly. :thumbup:

The beauty of this site (and pretty much every single internet site for that matter), is that we don't have to click on any particular thread/forum/story...and no one is making us read them. :ohdear:

If I don't like a thread, I simply don't subscribe...or make any comments in it. :oops:

Then again, it's pretty obvious that.... :D

Bjeanj
05-19-2018, 04:01 PM
An assassin approaches Donald Trump and is aiming his gun. At the last moment, a brand new secret service agent yells “Mickey Mouse!”

Unnerved, the assassin is captured.

Later, the secret service supervisor asks the agent, “what made you yell Mickey Mouse”?

Blushing, the agent says “I got nervous. I meant to yell “Donald, duck!”

P.S. Thanks to my granddaughter for this one.

ColdNoMore
05-19-2018, 04:21 PM
An assassin approaches Donald Trump and is aiming his gun. At the last moment, a brand new secret service agent yells “Mickey Mouse!”

Unnerved, the assassin is captured.

Later, the secret service supervisor asks the agent, “what made you yell Mickey Mouse”?

Blushing, the agent says “I got nervous. I meant to yell “Donald, duck!”

P.S. Thanks to my granddaughter for this one.

You have an awesome granddaughter. :1rotfl:

ColdNoMore
05-20-2018, 11:10 AM
I was in my car driving back from work.

A police officer pulled me over and knocked on my window.



I said, "One minute I'm on the phone." - Alan Carr

tomwed
05-21-2018, 08:08 AM
This reminds me of an old joke---This older gentleman is leaning against the bar and a younger woman passing by pauses and whispers in his ear----Would you like to have some super sex? And he says "I'll have the soup"

Taltarzac725
05-21-2018, 09:09 AM
This reminds me of an old joke---This older gentleman is leaning against the bar and a younger woman passing by pauses and whispers in his ear----Would you like to have some super sex? And he says "I'll have the soup"

Sounds like my life of late. It has turned into a Woody Allen movie.

ColdNoMore
05-22-2018, 05:29 AM
I tried to catch some fog yesterday.





Mist.

ColdNoMore
05-22-2018, 05:34 AM
Why does a chicken coop have two doors?







Because if it had four doors...it would be a chicken sedan.

ColdNoMore
05-23-2018, 06:35 AM
It’s been raining for days now and my husband seems very depressed by it.

He keeps standing by the window, staring.




If it continues, I’m going to have to let him in.

Taltarzac725
05-23-2018, 06:42 AM
It’s been raining for days now and my husband seems very depressed by it.

He keeps standing by the window, staring.




If it continues, I’m going to have to let him in.

That sounds like something I have heard before but cannot remember the comedian. Phyliss Diller and Fang maybe?.

ColdNoMore
05-23-2018, 06:42 AM
My old aunts would come and tease me at weddings, “Well Sarah? Do you think you’ll be next?”




This doesn't happen anymore...once I’ve started doing the same to them at funerals.



:1rotfl:

tomwed
05-23-2018, 07:06 AM
I tried to catch some fog yesterday.





Mist.I use to live in a foggy place. One day it was so foggy my dog had to back up to bark.

zmarkp
05-24-2018, 05:15 PM
Paddy had been drinking at his local pub all day and most of the night, celebrating St Patrick’s Day.

Mick, the bartender says, ‘You’ll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy’

Paddy replies, ‘OK Mick, I’ll be on my way then’. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.

‘Damn’ he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, ‘oh bloody damn!’

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he’ll be fine.

He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.

‘Be-Jesus… I’m in bloody trouble,’ he says. He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.

He takes a look up the stairs and says ‘No bloody way....’

He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says ‘I can make it to the bed’. He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says ‘damn it’ and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, ‘Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night ?’

Paddy says, ‘I did, Jess. I was bloody ****ed. But how did you know?’

‘Mick phoned . . . You left your wheelchair at the pub.’

ColdNoMore
05-24-2018, 06:52 PM
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.

"Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing.

Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"






The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

:1rotfl:

Ecuadog
05-24-2018, 07:22 PM
Two great ones. Thanks, zmarkp and ColdNoMore.

ColdNoMore
05-26-2018, 04:41 PM
A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this Father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a large old lady walked up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady stepped between them into a small room.

The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old lady stepped out.











The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....



"Go get your Mother."

ColdNoMore
05-26-2018, 04:45 PM
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.

Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me...'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'

'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'

He yelled back, 'University of Oklahoma.'

And they make fun of blondes...


:1rotfl:

tomwed
05-26-2018, 04:55 PM
A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this Father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a large old lady walked up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady stepped between them into a small room.

The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old lady stepped out.











The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....



"Go get your Mother."

What goes bang, bang, klip, klop, bang, bang, clip, clop?
A drive bye shooting in the Amish Country
[old joke]

ColdNoMore
05-27-2018, 10:29 AM
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it.

Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his first communion.”

“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”



They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast.


“Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision.”

Barefoot
05-27-2018, 11:09 PM
https://apis.mail.yahoo.com/ws/v3/mailboxes/@.id==VjN-znwjxsHFSwC3pPdiHqYa5Zw3ssom2J73lkmRztbDgDsLqs9PuL _K_eiWOAom54p8TsfSbXVpiY9dQ3F2OFJsEg/messages/@.id==ABYNA991mD-kWwtrnATl6GTnwig/content/parts/@.id==1.2.10/thumbnail?appId=YahooMailNeo&downloadWhenThumbnailFails=true&pid=1.2.10

BK001
05-28-2018, 06:41 PM
WIFE: Shall we try a different position tonight?
HUSBAND: Excellent idea.
WIFE: Ok, you stand at the sink and wash the dishes and I will lie on the sofa and watch TV.

ColdNoMore
05-28-2018, 06:59 PM
WIFE: Shall we try a different position tonight?

HUSBAND: Excellent idea.

WIFE: Ok, you stand at the sink and wash the dishes and I will lie on the sofa and watch TV.

:22yikes:


:1rotfl:

ColdNoMore
05-28-2018, 07:04 PM
While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee. His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, "No honey for you for one month!"

Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly. "That's it! No butter for you for one month!" says his dad.

Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor. She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her.



Little Johnny looks at his father and says, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?"

:o

ColdNoMore
05-29-2018, 08:28 AM
Husband: Want a quickie?




Wife: As opposed to what?

ColdNoMore
05-31-2018, 09:02 PM
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets." "We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce."

"My husband does."





"He said he can't communicate with me!"

:1rotfl:

Barefoot
05-31-2018, 11:13 PM
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it.

Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his first communion.”

“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”

They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast.


“Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision.” :girlneener:

ColdNoMore
06-03-2018, 06:13 AM
And one for the ladies... :D


Lisa needs brain surgery and figures its easier to buy a new brain.

She asks the doctor what he has on sale.

"Well you're in luck I have two in stock, a man's brain for $1000, and a woman's for $100."

Surprised she asks why the price difference?




"Generally women brains run cheaper...because they come to us used!"

ColdNoMore
06-05-2018, 05:47 AM
When my wife starts to sing I always go out and do some garden work...so our neighbors can see there's no domestic violence going on.

ColdNoMore
06-07-2018, 07:43 AM
A funeral service is held for a woman who just passed away.

As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they accidentally bump into a wall.

They hear a faint moan.

They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.

She lives for 10 more years and then dies.

They have another funeral for her.

At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.






As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"

:throwtomatoes:

dewilson58
06-07-2018, 08:24 AM
:BigApplause:

ColdNoMore
06-08-2018, 06:12 AM
Q: Have you heard they found a dead guy...with his head buried in his cornflakes?



A: The police believe it was a cereal killer.

tomwed
06-08-2018, 07:31 AM
[an old favorite of mine]
A woman is being sentenced for steeling a jar of pickles. The judge says "I'm giving you 7 weeks. One for each pickle in the jar."
From the gallery her husband speaks up. "She stole a can of peas too."

Taltarzac725
06-08-2018, 08:13 AM
[an old favorite of mine]
A woman is being sentenced for steeling a jar of pickles. The judge says "I'm giving you 7 weeks. One for each pickle in the jar."
From the gallery her husband speaks up. "She stole a can of peas too."

"Take my wife, please." Take My Wife, Please! | Psychology Today (https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-political-animal/201403/take-my-wife-please)

tomwed
06-08-2018, 09:32 AM
"Take my wife, please." Take My Wife, Please! | Psychology Today (https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-political-animal/201403/take-my-wife-please)
I just remembered I got it wrong----look it up----the husband is on trial.

either way---the first time i heard the joke i didn't see it coming--that's what makes me laugh

Ralphy
06-08-2018, 02:10 PM
9 months later!!!

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'
'Don't worry,' Jack said.. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend...
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"

"Yes, I do." Said Bob

"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Well, um, yes!," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, I have to admit that I did.."

"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy.. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."

(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?... You know you smiled...now keep that smile for the rest of the day!)

ColdNoMore
06-09-2018, 06:52 PM
There was this man who walked into a bar and says to the bartender, "set up 10 shots of whiskey."

The bartender asks, "What's the matter?"

The man says, "I found out my brother is gay and marrying my best friend."

The next day the same man comes in and orders 12 shots of whiskey.

The bartenders asks, "What's wrong this time?"

The man says, "I found out that my son is gay."

The next day the same man comes in the bar and orders 15 shots of whiskey.

Then the bartender asks, "Doesn't anyone in your family like women?"





The man looks up and says... "Apparently my wife does."

ColdNoMore
06-09-2018, 06:54 PM
9 months later!!!

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'
'Don't worry,' Jack said.. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend...
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"

"Yes, I do." Said Bob

"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Well, um, yes!," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, I have to admit that I did.."

"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy.. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."

(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?... You know you smiled...now keep that smile for the rest of the day!)

I smiled. :D

ColdNoMore
06-10-2018, 09:27 PM
"Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled, "I'm so wet, give it to me now!"

She could scream all she wanted to.








I was keeping the umbrella.

ColdNoMore
06-13-2018, 06:03 PM
I saw a wino sitting on the curb... eating grapes out of a paper bag.


I told him...






"Dude, you gotta wait."

ColdNoMore
06-14-2018, 08:29 PM
John: "I didn't sleep with my wife before we were married." "Did you?"


Bob: "I'm not sure."



"What was your wife's maiden name?"

fw102807
06-15-2018, 09:27 AM
DEAR NEIGHBOR

Hi, Fred, this is Richard, next door.

I’ve got a confession to make. I’ve been riddled w/guilt for a few months & have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face. At least I’m telling you in this text, & I can’t live w/myself a minute longer w/o your knowing about this. The truth is that, when you’re not around, I’ve been sharing your wife, day & night. In fact, probably much more than you.

I haven’t been getting it at home recently, & I know... that’s no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I can’t live w/the guilt & hope you’ll accept my sincere apology & forgive me.

Please suggest a fee for usage & I’ll pay you.

Regards, Richard



*NEIGHBOR’S RESPONSE: *Fred, feeling very angry & betrayed, grabbed his gun, went next door, & shot Richard, killing him. He went back home, shot his wife, poured himself a stiff drink & sat down on the sofa. Fred then looked at his phone & discovered a 2nd text message from Richard.


2ND TEXT MESSAGE:

Hi, Fred. Richard here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I expect you figured it out & noticed that the darned Auto-Correct had changed “wi-fi” to “wife.” Technology, huh? It’ll be the death of us all.

Regards, Richard

Ralphy
06-15-2018, 12:18 PM
I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but then I turned myself around!

ColdNoMore
06-17-2018, 06:53 PM
A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says,“I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”

"Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams. “We can't stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says.

“We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”

Franticly, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they're getting divorced!” she shouts, “I'll take care of this!”

She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father “You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.






"Sorted! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way."

Ralphy
06-18-2018, 03:09 PM
Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new Colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door.
Conscious of his new position, the Colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir."
Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?"
"Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "I'm just here to hook-up your telephone."

ColdNoMore
06-18-2018, 06:35 PM
Wife: "This is really your idea of an anniversary present?"



Me: [On the other walkie-talkie] "You didn't say over, over."

Ralphy
06-21-2018, 02:27 PM
"A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. ""But officer."" the man began, ""I can explain,"".
""Just be quiet,"" snapped the officer. ""I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back...""
""But officer, I just wanted to say...."" ""And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!""
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, ""Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding.
He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."" ""Don't count on it,"" answered the fellow in the cell. ""I'm the groom."" "

Bogie Shooter
06-21-2018, 02:55 PM
I Hate Men!

I hate men because they take me into alleys, bedrooms and dances.

The press me and feel me all over with their hands.

After they get me hot, they hold me to their lips and drag the life out of me.

After they get what they want, they throw me aside, then I'm only good enough for the tramps.

Why should they take advantage of my weak, slender, white body??

After all-------I'm only a-------cigarette...…..

ColdNoMore
06-23-2018, 10:23 AM
What would Bears become without Bees?




Ears.



(so dumb...I found it funny) :D

ColdNoMore
06-24-2018, 03:23 PM
By now, there should be a machine that you just back up for like a second— zap.

That should be it. There should be no embarrassing bending over at the doctor's office in this day and age.

We're in the age of laser eye surgery.

Laser eye surgery!

They perform surgery on your eye with a laser.

Prostate exam?





Finger in the *ss.


:1rotfl:

tomwed
06-24-2018, 07:46 PM
If a husband hikes in the woods. voices his opinion and nobody hears him, is he still wrong?

Taltarzac725
06-24-2018, 09:46 PM
If a husband goes in the woods. voices his opinion and nobody hears him, is he still wrong?

If he wants to have a very nice night, yes.

ColdNoMore
06-27-2018, 06:39 PM
“If you arrive fashionably late in Crocs, you’re just late.”

"People who like trance music are very persistent. They don't techno for an answer." – Joel Dommett

“My wife told me: ‘Sex is better on holiday.’ That wasn’t a nice postcard to receive.” - Joe Bor

"My wife wanted a new fridge. And because I like sex, I said yeah." – John Bishop

“My friend got a personal trainer a year before his wedding." I thought: ‘Bloody hell, how long’s the aisle going to be’.” Paul McCaffrey

"My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that." Adam Hills :D

"I was in my car driving back from work. A police officer pulled me over and knocked on my window. I said, 'One minute I'm on the phone." - Alan Carr

"Ain't no pickpocket trying to steal my suitcase. It could be an expensive laptop computer or it could be the end of their life. It's too much of a gamble." - Imran Yusuf

"With stand-up in Britain, what you have to do is bloody swearing. In Germany, we don't have to swear. Reason being, things work." - Henning When

"Standing in the park, I was wondering why a frisbee looks larger the closer it gets...then it hit me" Stewart Francis

"The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast." - Demetri Martin

"I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let's make this interesting.' So we stopped playing chess." - Matt Kirshen

“Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.” Tim Vine

"I've written a letter to the Royal Mail to complain about my post being stolen. To make sure they see it, I've put it inside a birthday card." - Gary Delaney

BK001
06-29-2018, 08:04 PM
The Funniest Staff Meeting Ever!

The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a, particularly stressful week. (This is one pretty sharp boss!)

When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme: Viagra advertising slogans. The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable.

About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top 10 List. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone! The top 10 were:

10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!

9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper.

8. Viagra, like a rock!

7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.

6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.

5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.

4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

3. Viagra, Home of the whopper!

2 Viagra, We bring good things to Life!


And the unanimous number one slogan:

1. This is your peepee... This is your peepee on drugs

ColdNoMore
06-29-2018, 08:51 PM
The Funniest Staff Meeting Ever!

The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a, particularly stressful week. (This is one pretty sharp boss!)

When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme: Viagra advertising slogans. The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable.

About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top 10 List. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone! The top 10 were:

10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!

9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper.

8. Viagra, like a rock!

7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.

6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.

5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.

4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

3. Viagra, Home of the whopper!

2 Viagra, We bring good things to Life!


And the unanimous number one slogan:

1. This is your peepee... This is your peepee on drugs

:1rotfl:...:1rotfl:...:1rotfl:...:1rotfl:

ColdNoMore
06-30-2018, 02:54 PM
By using photos. :ho:

ColdNoMore
07-01-2018, 01:43 PM
A couple of RCMP officers stopped at Sandy Bay First Nation and talked to an old Indian standing on the road.
He told the old Indian, "I need to inspect this land for illegally grown drugs."

The elder reluctantly said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...", as he pointed with his lips to the location.

The RCMP officer verbally exploded & said, "look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!"

Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge & proudly displayed it to the old Indian.


"See this badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want, whenever I want................on any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?"

The elder nodded kindly, apologized & went about his business. Moments later he heard loud - fearful screams; he looked up & saw the RCMP officer running for his life, being chased by a Bull Bison.

With every step the Bull Bison was gaining ground on the officer & it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety.

The officer was clearly terrified.

The old Indian threw down his tools & ran as fast as he could to the fence & yelled at the top of his lungs......







"YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!"


:1rotfl:

ColdNoMore
07-02-2018, 01:36 PM
A wealthy couple had planned to go out for the evening. The woman of the house decided to give their butler, Jeeves, the rest of the night off. She said they would be home very late, and that he should just enjoy his evening.

As it turned out, however, the wife wasn't having a good time at the party, so she came home early, alone. Her husband had to stay there, as several of his important clients were there.

As the woman walked into her house, she saw Jeeves sitting by himself in the dining room. She called for him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom. She looked at him and smiled.

"Jeeves," she said. "Take off my dress."

He did this carefully.

"Jeeves," she continued. "Take off my stockings and garter."

He silently obeyed her.

"Jeeves," she then said. "Remove my bra and panties. "

As he did this, the tension continued to mount.





She then said, "Jeeves, if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired!" :22yikes:



:1rotfl:

ColdNoMore
07-04-2018, 02:58 PM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fscydKvocrw

Ralphy
07-05-2018, 07:03 PM
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION .
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL .
"If you don't behave, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My father taught me LOGIC .
"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the shops with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT .
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My father taught me IRONY .
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My father taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTION-ISM .
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My father taught me about STAMINA ...
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My father taught me about WEATHER .
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My father taught me about HYPOCRISY .
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE .
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.."

14. My mother taught me about behaviour MODIFICATION .
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My father taught me about ENVY .
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My father taught me about ANTICIPATION .
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING ..
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My father taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE .
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP .
"Put your jumper on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My father taught me HUMOUR .
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My father taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS .
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS .
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a tent?"

24. My father taught me WISDOM .
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

And my favourite:
25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE .
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

Bjeanj
07-05-2018, 08:20 PM
Just a quick note to ColdNoMore-so glad you started this thread! Love all the contributions & think the contributors are hilarious!

ColdNoMore
07-06-2018, 05:56 AM
Just a quick note to ColdNoMore-so glad you started this thread! Love all the contributions & think the contributors are hilarious!

Glad you like it. :thumbup:

Would like to see more contributors though...as there's a lot of good jokes out there. :ho:






A man walks into a zoo.

The only animal in the entire zoo...is just one dog.




It was a...Shih Tzu.

:D

ColdNoMore
07-06-2018, 06:12 AM
The police are called to an apartment and find a woman standing over a lifeless man, holding a bent and twisted five-iron. The detective asks, “Is that your husband?”

“Yes,” replies the woman.

“Did you hit him with the golf club?”

“Yes, I did,” sobs the woman.

“How many times did you hit him?” asks the detective.

“I don’t know,” she replies. “Five, six, maybe seven times"....




..."Oh look, just put me down for a five.” :1rotfl:

Polar Bear
07-06-2018, 02:00 PM
...

Ralphy
07-06-2018, 02:42 PM
A very old couple that have been married forever is sitting on their porch one night. Suddenly, the old woman reaches over and smacks her husband knocking him off the porch and into the bushes.

He crawls back up and asks, 'What was that
for?' She says, 'For having a little p*cker.'

He sits there quietly a moment, then smacks her, sending her off the other side of the porch and into the bushes.

She crawls back and says, 'What was that for?' He says, 'For knowing there was more than one size.'

Bjeanj
07-06-2018, 03:11 PM
As the hostess at a casino buffet showed me to the table, I asked her to keep an eye out for my husband. I started to describe him.
“He has grey hair, wears glasses, and has a potbelly ...”

She stopped me there. “Honey, todays Senior Day. They all look like that.”

Bjeanj
07-06-2018, 03:17 PM
While he was visiting, my father asked for the WiFi password. “It’s taped under the modem,” I told him.

After three failed attempts to login, he said,

Am I spelling this right?

T-A-P-E-D-U-N-D-E-R-T-H-E-M-O-D-E-M”?

dewilson58
07-06-2018, 03:34 PM
Looks right to me.

Barefoot
07-08-2018, 10:47 AM
I haven't real all 143 posts, so please forgive me if this is a duplicate.



Saturday morning I got up early, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph.

I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 20 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that crap?'

I still don't know to this day if she was joking, but I have stopped fishing

Ecuadog
07-08-2018, 11:02 AM
Now... That's funny.

CFrance
07-09-2018, 07:27 AM
You can probably guess the end of this one.

An Engineer dies and goes to Hell. Dissatisfied with the level of comfort, he starts designing and building improvements.

After a while, Hell has air conditioning, ice water, flush toilets, and escalators, and the Engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls and asks Satan, "So, how are things going down there?"

Satan says, "Why, things are going great. We've now got air conditioning, ice water, flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this Engineer is going to come up with next!"

God is horrified. "What? You've got an Engineer? That's clearly a mistake - he should never have gone down there! You know all Engineers go to Heaven. Send him up here immediately!!"

Satan says, "No way, I really like having an Engineer on the staff.

I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue you."

"Yeah, right," Satan laughs, "and where are you going to get a lawyer?"

graciegirl
07-09-2018, 07:43 AM
You can probably guess the end of this one.

An Engineer dies and goes to Hell. Dissatisfied with the level of comfort, he starts designing and building improvements.

After a while, Hell has air conditioning, ice water, flush toilets, and escalators, and the Engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls and asks Satan, "So, how are things going down there?"

Satan says, "Why, things are going great. We've now got air conditioning, ice water, flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this Engineer is going to come up with next!"

God is horrified. "What? You've got an Engineer? That's clearly a mistake - he should never have gone down there! You know all Engineers go to Heaven. Send him up here immediately!!"

Satan says, "No way, I really like having an Engineer on the staff.

I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue you."

"Yeah, right," Satan laughs, "and where are you going to get a lawyer?"

I would laugh but seems like our family attracts them. Disclaimer. I am not a lawyer and I sleep with the gardener.

dewilson58
07-09-2018, 07:45 AM
and I sleep with the gardener.


:MOJE_whot:

Taltarzac725
07-09-2018, 07:51 AM
You can probably guess the end of this one.

An Engineer dies and goes to Hell. Dissatisfied with the level of comfort, he starts designing and building improvements.

After a while, Hell has air conditioning, ice water, flush toilets, and escalators, and the Engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls and asks Satan, "So, how are things going down there?"

Satan says, "Why, things are going great. We've now got air conditioning, ice water, flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this Engineer is going to come up with next!"

God is horrified. "What? You've got an Engineer? That's clearly a mistake - he should never have gone down there! You know all Engineers go to Heaven. Send him up here immediately!!"

Satan says, "No way, I really like having an Engineer on the staff.

I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue you."

"Yeah, right," Satan laughs, "and where are you going to get a lawyer?"

But who would be the judge or jury in this matter? I actually know a few lawyers who are pretty good people by-in-large.

billethkid
07-09-2018, 10:49 AM
Have you heard the old one.......

What is a crying shame?
A bus full of lawyers going over the railing of a bridge ........................................with an empty seat!!!

Badda-bump-de-bump-tish

Taltarzac725
07-09-2018, 12:36 PM
Have you heard the old one.......

What is a crying shame?
A bus full of lawyers going over the railing of a bridge ........................................with an empty seat!!!

Badda-bump-de-bump-tish

That is one I probably heard in the 1970s.

ColdNoMore
07-09-2018, 03:23 PM
My son wanted to know what it's like to be married.

I told him to leave me alone and when he did...




...I asked him why he was ignoring me.



:D

ColdNoMore
07-09-2018, 03:30 PM
My client buys many rental properties, not always with the 
enthusiastic support of his wife.

Recently, I was showing him a home when his wife called.

I could hear her ask what he was doing.

“The real estate agent and I are having an affair,” he answered.




“Oh, thank Goodness,” she said. “I thought she was selling you another house.”

Barefoot
07-09-2018, 06:23 PM
https://apis.mail.yahoo.com/ws/v3/mailboxes/@.id==VjN-znwjxsHFSwC3pPdiHqYa5Zw3ssom2J73lkmRztbDgDsLqs9PuL _K_eiWOAom54p8TsfSbXVpiY9dQ3F2OFJsEg/messages/@.id==ANQfSl1LPkADW0McNQ8fGO3EfCE/content/parts/@.id==1.2.2/thumbnail?appId=YahooMailNeo&downloadWhenThumbnailFails=true&pid=1.2.2

Barefoot
07-10-2018, 10:48 AM
In a convent in Ireland, the 98-year-old Mother Superior lay dying.

The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable.

They tried giving her warm milk to drink but she refused it.
One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen.
Then, remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey that had been received as a gift the previous Christmas,
she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior's bed, they held the glass to her lips. The frail nun drank a little,
then a little more and before they knew it, she had finished the whole glass down to the last drop.

As her eyes brightened, the nuns thought it would be a good opportunity to have one last talk with their spiritual leader.

"Mother," the nuns asked earnestly, "Please give us some of your wisdom before you leave us."

She raised herself up in bed on one elbow,looked at them and said: "Don't sell that cow."

tomwed
07-10-2018, 12:53 PM
[COLOR=Black]In a convent in "Don't sell that cow."That's a good one. Hope I can remember it.

ColdNoMore
07-12-2018, 10:33 AM
Thought for the day. :ho:

ColdNoMore
07-12-2018, 10:35 AM
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi were discussing when life begins.

The priest said, “I believe that life begins at the moment of conception, because therein lies the potential for life.”

The minister said, “I believe life begins when the fetus becomes viable.”

The rabbi looked at them and said, “I have to disagree with you both...."




...."I believe life begins when the kids go to college and the dog dies.”



:D

Ralphy
07-13-2018, 05:45 PM
A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

ColdNoMore
07-13-2018, 07:45 PM
Wife (on phone): "Did you preheat the oven like asked you to?"

Husband: "Yep."

Wife: "What temperature?"

Husband: "534."

Wife: "That's the clock."

Husband:

Wife:








Husband: "535."




:1rotfl:

ColdNoMore
07-13-2018, 07:50 PM
Me: "It's really muggy outside today."

Wife: "If I go outside and all of our mugs are sitting on the lawn...I'm leaving you!"









Me: "Sips coffee from cereal bowl."


:D

Bjeanj
07-13-2018, 08:16 PM
Why did the blonde woman run out of shampoo so fast?
She kept folllowing the instructions: rinse, lather, repeat


Blonde gets a new cell phone from her husband. Next day she goes to Walmart and her phone rings. It’s her husband. “How’s the new cell phone?” She replied “great, but how did you know I was at Walmart?”

tomwed
07-13-2018, 08:29 PM
I know someone who was dropped off at WD to pick up some orange juice . After quite awhile he got tired of waiting and parked the car, went in the store and found her staring at a frozen can of orange juice. He asked why it's taking so long so long. She said the can says concentrate.

fw102807
07-14-2018, 12:15 PM
A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says 'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today. 'The bartender says' well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.


'As the woman finishes her drink the woman to her right says 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.' The old woman says 'thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.' 'Coming up' says the bartender. As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says 'I would like to buy you one, too.' The old woman says ‘thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.' 'Coming right up' the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink, he says 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?' The old woman replies 'sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor... Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'

ColdNoMore
07-14-2018, 12:42 PM
A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says 'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today. 'The bartender says' well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.


'As the woman finishes her drink the woman to her right says 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.' The old woman says 'thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.' 'Coming up' says the bartender. As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says 'I would like to buy you one, too.' The old woman says ‘thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.' 'Coming right up' the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink, he says 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?' The old woman replies 'sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor... Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'
Moral of the story?








Depends.



:D

ColdNoMore
07-14-2018, 12:45 PM
Shortly before our 25th wedding anniversary, my husband sent 25 long-stemmed yellow roses to me at my office.

A few days later, I plucked all the petals and dried them.

On the night of our anniversary, I spread the petals over the bed and lay on top of them, wearing only a negligee.

As I’d hoped, I got a reaction from my husband.






When he saw me, he shouted, “Are those potato chips?”

:D

ColdNoMore
07-15-2018, 07:49 PM
A husband went to the police station to file a "missing person" report for his missing wife:

Husband : -I lost my wife, she went shopping hasn't come back yet.

Inspector : -What is her height?

Husband : -Average, I guess.

Inspector : -Slim or healthy?.

Husband : -Not slim, but probably healthy.

Inspector : -Color of eyes?

Husband : -Never noticed.

Inspector : -Color of hair?

Husband : -Changes according to season.

Inspector : -What was she wearing?

Husband : -Not sure, either a dress or a suit.

Inspector : -Was she driving?

Husband : -Yes.

Inspector : -Color and type of the car?

Husband : -Black Audi A8 with supercharged 3.0 litre V6 engine generating 333 horse power teamed with an eight-speed tiptronic automatic transmission with manual mode. And it has full LED headlights, which use light emitting diodes for all light functions and has a very thin scratch on the front left door...


...and then the husband started crying...






Inspector: -Don't worry sir,...We will find your car.

BK001
07-20-2018, 03:16 PM
There was a young Plumber from Leigh
Who was plumbing a girl by the sea.
Said the girl, "Stop your plumbing, there's somebody coming!"
Said the Plumber, still plumbing, "It's me!"

CFrance
07-20-2018, 03:24 PM
There was a young Plumber from Leigh
Who was plumbing a girl by the sea.
Said the girl, "Stop your plumbing, there's somebody coming!"
Said the Plumber, still plumbing, "It's me!"
Ha ha, so now we're doing limericks!

There once was a monk from Siberia
Whose morals were rather inferior
He did to a nun
what he oughtn't have done
And now she's a Mother Superior!

ColdNoMore
07-20-2018, 03:42 PM
There was a young Plumber from Leigh
Who was plumbing a girl by the sea.
Said the girl, "Stop your plumbing, there's somebody coming!"
Said the Plumber, still plumbing, "It's me!"
:22yikes:

:1rotfl:


Ha ha, so now we're doing limericks!

There once was a monk from Siberia
Whose morals were rather inferior
He did to a nun
what he oughtn't have done
And now she's a Mother Superior!

:D

ColdNoMore
07-20-2018, 03:47 PM
A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline.

His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

The frog is thrilled, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?"

"No," says his advisor....






..."in her biology class."

CFrance
07-21-2018, 11:00 AM
While reading an article last night about fathers and sons,memories came flooding back to the time I took me son out for his first pint.


Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from the cottage.


I got him a Guinness. He didn't like it, so I drank it.


Then I got him a Kilkenny's, he didn't like that either, so I drank it.Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager?

He didn't. I drank it.

I thought maybe he'd like whisky better than beer so we tried a Jameson's; nope!

In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast, Ireland's finest whisky.

He wouldn't even smell it.

What could I do but drink it!

By the time I realized he just didn't like to drink, I was so sh*t-faced I could hardly push his stroller back home!!!

BK001
07-21-2018, 11:14 AM
By the time I realized he just didn't like to drink, I was so sh*t-faced I could hardly push his stroller back home!!!





Hysterical, I didn't see that coming. Thanks for the belly laugh.

tomwed
07-21-2018, 11:21 AM
Hysterical, I didn't see that coming. Thanks for the belly laugh.me neither

Ecuadog
07-21-2018, 12:08 PM
...
By the time I realized he just didn't like to drink, I was so sh*t-faced I could hardly push his stroller back home!!!

That's one that I'm going to use.

CFrance
07-22-2018, 08:16 AM
A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.

"Hey, show us yer teets, ya bloody penguins." shouts one of the drunks. Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculate and says,
"I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."

Sister Mary Immaculate rolls down her window and shouts, "Pi$$ off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off." She then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior quite innocently, and asks,"Did that sound cross enough?"

ColdNoMore
07-24-2018, 05:00 AM
At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Toronto , they have weekly husband's marriage seminars.

At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, "Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!"

The priest responded, "Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?"

Giuseppe proudly replied....









...."I gonna go pick her up."


:duck:

BK001
07-24-2018, 07:35 AM
At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Toronto , they have weekly husband's marriage seminars.

At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, "Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!"

The priest responded, "Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?"

Giuseppe proudly replied....









...."I gonna go pick her up."


:duck:


Ha-Ha that was great! Reminds me of another one:


After last night's argument, my wife was still mad at me this morning. While making breakfast she asked, "How do you want your eggs, a**hole?"

I said, "To Go!"

tomwed
07-24-2018, 08:14 AM
I was gassing up last nite and there was a guy filling a container and he had his little dog with him. This reminded me of an old joke I got from my grandfather when I was young and I told hundreds of times. Steel it.

My grandfather said he once owned a gas station [true]. He said one day this little dog shows up and starts lapping up the gas that overflowed on the ground. Then he starts running around the pumps like crazy, and then he just stops.
[eventually I asked my grandfather, rather sheepishly, "did he die?"]
My grandfather said "Oh no, he just ran out of gas."

ColdNoMore
07-24-2018, 03:52 PM
True story;

When my daughter was in about first grade, she came home and said... "do you know Dad, why when a flock of geese fly in a 'V'...that one side of the V is longer than the other?"

I then proceeded to try and explain aerodynamics at a basic level, how being in front is tiring, that 'drafting' helps the whole flock cover longer distances...and that a non-equal V helps the entire flock do that.

After a minute, I could see her eyes glazing and then she simply stated....








"No Dad, it's because...there's more geese on that side." :oops:


:1rotfl:

BK001
07-25-2018, 12:43 PM
A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.

"Hey, show us yer teets, ya bloody penguins." shouts one of the drunks. Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculate and says,
"I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."

Sister Mary Immaculate rolls down her window and shouts, "Pi$$ off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off." She then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior quite innocently, and asks,"Did that sound cross enough?"




I'm dying!!!!:a040:

ColdNoMore
07-26-2018, 06:21 PM
- I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is... Scaring men is easy.

- Before I tell my wife something important, I take both her hands in mine. That way she can't hit me with them.

- My husband is on the roof - only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.

- My wife made me a green hamburger today to celebrate St Patricks Day. I asked her how she colored it and she said she didn't know what I was talking about.

- I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of a chapstick. She was so mad...she still isn't talking to me.

- I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas. She told me "Nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace" So I bought her nothing.

- A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

- My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.

- My wife is going to qualify for free shipping no matter how much it costs.




And drum-roll please....

- Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble...but shouldn't that be an even number?


:1rotfl:

BK001
07-27-2018, 10:15 AM
A recently widowed Jewish lady, was sitting on a beach towel at Cocoa Beach, Florida.
She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book.
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him.
"Hello, sir, how are you?"
"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.
"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.
"First time since my wife passed away last year," he replied, and again turned back to his book.
"Do you live around here?" she asked.
"Yes, I live over in Suntree," he answered, and then resumed reading.

Trying to find a topic of common interest, Sarah persisted. "Do you like pussycats?"
With that, the man threw his book down, jumped off his blanket onto hers, tore off both their swimsuits and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!

As the cloud of sand began to settle, Sarah gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"
The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"

CFrance
07-27-2018, 11:52 AM
A recently widowed Jewish lady, was sitting on a beach towel at Cocoa Beach, Florida.
She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book.
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him.
"Hello, sir, how are you?"
"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.
"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.
"First time since my wife passed away last year," he replied, and again turned back to his book.
"Do you live around here?" she asked.
"Yes, I live over in Suntree," he answered, and then resumed reading.

Trying to find a topic of common interest, Sarah persisted. "Do you like pussycats?"
With that, the man threw his book down, jumped off his blanket onto hers, tore off both their swimsuits and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!

As the cloud of sand began to settle, Sarah gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"
The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"
Bwahaha!

jblum315
07-29-2018, 07:14 AM
A very protective farmer had three teenage daughters who had never been allowed to date. The three daughters were really bugging the farmer until he finally gave in. He allowed them to date on one condition, that their date had to come to the door and the farmer would greet them and approve of their choice. And so it happened. Coincidently, all three daughters had a date on the same night. The first guy shows up and knocks on the door. The farmer grabs his shotgun and goes to the door. "Hi, I'm Joe, I'm here for Flo, we're going to the show, is she ready to go?". The farmer looks him over figure he's ok and lets her go. He returns inside until anther knock at the door. He grabs his shotgun and approaches the door. "Hi, I'm Eddy, I'm here for Betty, we're going for some spaghetti, is she ready?". The farmer looks him over and figure he's ok and lets her go. He returns inside until anther knock at the door. He grabs his shotgun and approaches the door. "Hi, I'm Chuck." The farmer shot him.
Well. Luck,buck, truck, muck, suck, Duck, yuck

A very protective farmer had three teenage daughters who had never been allowed to date. The three daughters were really bugging the farmer until he finally gave in. He allowed them to date on one condition, that their date had to come to the door and the farmer would greet them and approve of their choice. And so it happened. Coincidently, all three daughters had a date on the same night. The first guy shows up and knocks on the door. The farmer grabs his shotgun and goes to the door. "Hi, I'm Joe, I'm here for Flo, we're going to the show, is she ready to go?". The farmer looks him over figure he's ok and lets her go. He returns inside until anther knock at the door. He grabs his shotgun and approaches the door. "Hi, I'm Eddy, I'm here for Betty, we're going for some spaghetti, is she ready?". The farmer looks him over and figure he's ok and lets her go. He returns inside until anther knock at the door. He grabs his shotgun and approaches the door. "Hi, I'm Chuck." The farmer shot him.
Well, he might have said duck, luck, muck, puck, suck, or truck

ColdNoMore
08-03-2018, 02:45 PM
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?"

The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?"

The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?"









The interviewer replies, "Yeah, of course...but you started it."

:D

dewilson58
08-04-2018, 10:23 AM
HOMESICK SNOWBIRD


At The Villages in Florida last week, there was a bumper sticker on a parked car that read:
"I miss Chicago ."

Someone broke the windows, stole the radio, shot out all four tires, added an Obama bumper sticker and left a note that read:
"Hope this helps"

BK001
09-03-2018, 04:18 PM
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.


I’ll let you know.

BK001
09-03-2018, 04:19 PM
I was visiting my Daughter last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

“This is the 21t Century” she said. “We don’t waste money on newspapers. Here, use my iPad.”


I can tell you this … that fly never knew what hit him!

CFrance
09-03-2018, 04:20 PM
HOMESICK SNOWBIRD


At The Villages in Florida last week, there was a bumper sticker on a parked car that read:
"I miss Chicago ."

Someone broke the windows, stole the radio, shot out all four tires, added an Obama bumper sticker and left a note that read:
"Hope this helps"
That's hilarious.:a040:

CFrance
09-03-2018, 04:21 PM
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.


I’ll let you know.
Let us know.

Barefoot
09-03-2018, 04:39 PM
A recently widowed Jewish lady, was sitting on a beach towel at Cocoa Beach, Florida.
She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book.
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him.
"Hello, sir, how are you?"
"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.
"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.
"First time since my wife passed away last year," he replied, and again turned back to his book.
"Do you live around here?" she asked.
"Yes, I live over in Suntree," he answered, and then resumed reading.

Trying to find a topic of common interest, Sarah persisted. "Do you like pussycats?"
With that, the man threw his book down, jumped off his blanket onto hers, tore off both their swimsuits and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!

As the cloud of sand began to settle, Sarah gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"
The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?" :1rotfl:

Tom C
09-07-2018, 09:28 AM
This blonde is driving down the road, speeding, and gets pulled over by another blonde, a cop. The cop says let me see your license.

The blonde looks in her purse for awhile then says what does it look like? The blonde cop says, its the thing with your picture on it.

The blonde looks through her purse again, finds her compact, opens it and thinks, it must be this and hands it to the cop. The cop looks at it and says, we could have saved a lot of trouble if you told me you were a cop in the first place!!

dewilson58
09-07-2018, 09:34 AM
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.


I’ll let you know.

Which came first................the chicken or the egg ????

graciegirl
09-07-2018, 10:32 AM
Which came first................the chicken or the egg ????

I'm sayin' Katz.

Taltarzac725
09-07-2018, 10:41 AM
I'm sayin' Katz.

Katz in a box?

BK001
09-07-2018, 11:15 AM
I'm sayin' Katz.

Whoaaaaaa -- getting a little naughty now are we?

Tom C
09-12-2018, 10:00 AM
A RETIREE'S LAST TRIP TO Costco

Yesterday I was at Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, :doggie: Oreo the Wonder Dog, and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant?:22yikes:

So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet :mmmm:again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry:popcorn:. The food is nutritionally complete, (certified), so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her no, I had stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me:faint:.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.:1rotfl:

Costco won't let me shop there anymore. :police:

Better watch what you ask retired people.

ColdNoMore
09-12-2018, 01:12 PM
A RETIREE'S LAST TRIP TO Costco

Yesterday I was at Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, :doggie: Oreo the Wonder Dog, and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant?:22yikes:

So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet :mmmm:again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry:popcorn:. The food is nutritionally complete, (certified), so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her no, I had stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me:faint:.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.:1rotfl:

Costco won't let me shop there anymore. :police:

Better watch what you ask retired people.

A good one! :1rotfl:



My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned 60...and that's the law.

—Jerry Seinfeld


:D

Ecuadog
09-16-2018, 06:30 PM
Two guys grow up together in Amityville, NY, and both retire. One moves to The Villages in Florida and the other moves to PebbleCreek in Arizona. They agree to meet every five years to play golf on the Black Course at Bethpage State Park.

At age 55, they finish their round of golf.
"Where you wanna go for lunch?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"Well, you know, they got the good-looking servers, and the tight shorts, and the legs ..."
"OK."

Five years later at age 60 they meet and play again.
"Where you wanna go for lunch?"
"Hooters.”
"Why?"
"Well, you know, they got cold beer and the big screen TVs and everybody has a little betting action on the games."
"OK."

Five years later at age 65 they meet and play again.
"Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"The food is pretty good and there is plenty of parking."
"OK."

At age 70 they meet and play again.
"Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"Wings are half price"
"OK"

At age 75 they meet and play again.
"Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"They have 6 handicapped spaces right by the door."
"OK."

At age 80 they meet and play again.
"Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"We've never been there before.”

BK001
09-18-2018, 07:16 PM
As he was getting into bed, she said: "You're drunk!"

He said: "How do you know?"

She said: "You live next door!"

CFrance
09-19-2018, 01:13 AM
QUOTE=BK001;1582467]As he was getting into bed, she said: "You're drunk!"

He said: "How do you know?"

She said: "You live next door!"[/QUOTE]
:BigApplause:

BK001
09-24-2018, 07:47 AM
DATING SERVICE:

"Your application has been rejected due to your answer to question No. 6."

"A bullet" is not an acceptable answer to the question: "What do you want in a man".

Bjeanj
09-24-2018, 10:26 AM
I think we’ve found TV’s winning comedienne!!

Barefoot
09-24-2018, 04:48 PM
After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl.

Now ... I have a $250,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 73-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems!

Bjeanj
09-24-2018, 05:35 PM
Hahahahahahahaha

Ecuadog
09-24-2018, 06:35 PM
Excellent.

BK001
10-01-2018, 01:00 PM
A married couple goes to a nightclub. There they see a man on the dance floor breaking out all the moves -- moonwalking, backflips etc.
The wife recognizes the dancer and says:

Wife: "Do you know that man proposed to me 25 years ago and I turned him down"

Husband: "Looks like he's still celebrating!"

Nucky
10-01-2018, 02:26 PM
Keep Going BK, One More. Tell a Brooklyn Joke.

village dreamer
10-01-2018, 02:26 PM
a blonde was in her fourth year as a ucla freashman,sat in her us government class. the professor asked the blonde if she knew what roe vs wadw was about. the blonde pondered the question, then,finally, said,that was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware.:1rotfl::1rotfl::1rotfl:

BK001
10-01-2018, 04:40 PM
Keep Going BK, One More. Tell a Brooklyn Joke.

I'm not sure The Villages could handle that but here's a cheat:

A Brooklyn man goes to the doctor. The doctor says, “I have some good news and some bad news”.

“What’s the good news, Doc?’
You got 24 hours to live.”
What’s the bad news?”
I’ve been trying to reach you since yesterday.”

Barefoot
10-02-2018, 03:21 PM
Thought better and didn't post the joke after all. Kinda racy.

fw102807
10-02-2018, 03:26 PM
Two guys grow up together in Amityville, NY, and both retire. One moves to The Villages in Florida and the other moves to PebbleCreek in Arizona. They agree to meet every five years to play golf on the Black Course at Bethpage State Park.

At age 55, they finish their round of golf.
"Where you wanna go for lunch?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"Well, you know, they got the good-looking servers, and the tight shorts, and the legs ..."
"OK."

Five years later at age 60 they meet and play again.
"Where you wanna go for lunch?"
"Hooters.”
"Why?"
"Well, you know, they got cold beer and the big screen TVs and everybody has a little betting action on the games."
"OK."

Five years later at age 65 they meet and play again.
"Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"The food is pretty good and there is plenty of parking."
"OK."

At age 70 they meet and play again.
"Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"Wings are half price"
"OK"

At age 75 they meet and play again.
"Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"They have 6 handicapped spaces right by the door."
"OK."

At age 80 they meet and play again.
"Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"We've never been there before.”

:1rotfl::1rotfl::1rotfl: Love this

ColdNoMore
10-05-2018, 04:58 PM
Doc, I can't stop singing the "Green Green Grass of Home."

He said..."That sounds like you have Tom Jones syndrome."

"Is it common?"...I asked.





He replied..."It's not unusual."

BK001
10-05-2018, 06:35 PM
Thought better and didn't post the joke after all. Kinda racy.

Oh c'mon -- Just DO IT! As we used to say in Brooklyn "I got your back"

Dare you --
Double Dare you!

Ok - I'll go first.

BK001
10-05-2018, 06:38 PM
Overhead:

This morning, I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator.

I was staring at her ample boobs when she said
“ Would you please press one?”

So I did.

I don’t remember much more after that.

BK001
10-05-2018, 06:41 PM
Ok -- Here goes -- Don't read if you get easily offended -- You've been warned!

Two nuns were bicycling over cobblestones on the backroads of Rome.

The younger nun said to the elder: "I've never come this way before."

The older nun smiled and said: "I know".

paminix
10-06-2018, 09:16 AM
Phyllis Diller said:

Do you know why your golf instructor keeps telling you to keep your head down?


So you won't see him laughing.

ColdNoMore
10-13-2018, 06:44 AM
Wife sends a text message to her husband on a really cold winter morning: "Windows are totally frozen, will not open."

Husband replies: “Carefully pour some warm water over it and tap the edges first with your hand, if that doesn’t work, then gently with a hammer.”




15 minutes later, the wife texts back: “Oh no, I think the laptop is now totally ruined.”



:D

Barefoot
10-13-2018, 04:41 PM
A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was really something special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything.
Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow, what a guy!"

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "I never actually met Frank.
He died and I married his frigging wife".

BK001
10-13-2018, 04:52 PM
A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was really something special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything.
Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow, what a guy!"

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "I never actually met Frank.
He died and I married his frigging wife".


BRAVA! BRAVA! BRAVA! You know this is going into my memory collection. Really good. :bigbow:

So now you got me thinking ... hmmmmm....

BK001
10-13-2018, 04:57 PM
In these politically charged times of sexual accusations, and the #MeToo movement, etc., the following ditty is probably appropriate:


Jack and Jill went up the hill
And planned to do some kissing
Jack made a pass
And grabbed Jill's ass
Now Jack’s front teeth are missing!

Barefoot
10-17-2018, 01:21 PM
A female resident of The Villages is out walking when she sees an attractive older man sitting on a bench.
They strike up a conversation and she asked, "Have you lived here long?"

"I bought in here 20 years ago."
She answered, "I've been here 15 years.
Why Haven't I seen you before?"

'I've been in prison for the last 17 years."
Looking amazed, she asked "What were you in for?"
"I murdered my first wife."

She looked at him sympathetically and asked "So you're single then?"

BK001
11-06-2018, 03:37 PM
The Funeral Procession

Four golfers who like to gamble wind up in the same foursome. The pot builds throughout the day until they reach the 18th green, where Charlie has a chance to putt for dough.

If he makes his 10-foot putt, he wins $200.
Charlie lines up his putt, but just as he's about to take his stance, a funeral procession begins passing by on the road that runs alongside the 18th hole.

Charlie steps away from his ball, sets down his putter, takes off his hat and places it over his heart, and waits for the funeral procession to completely pass. One all the cars in the funeral procession have passed, Charlie picks up his putter and begins lining up the putt again.

"Wow," one of his opponents says. "That was the most touching thing I have ever seen. You've got a makeable putt for $200, yet you stopped and paid your respects. You really are something."

"Well," Charlie says, "we were married for 25 years."

Barefoot
11-06-2018, 06:30 PM
The Funeral Procession

Four golfers who like to gamble wind up in the same foursome. The pot builds throughout the day until they reach the 18th green, where Charlie has a chance to putt for dough.

If he makes his 10-foot putt, he wins $200.
Charlie lines up his putt, but just as he's about to take his stance, a funeral procession begins passing by on the road that runs alongside the 18th hole.

Charlie steps away from his ball, sets down his putter, takes off his hat and places it over his heart, and waits for the funeral procession to completely pass. One all the cars in the funeral procession have passed, Charlie picks up his putter and begins lining up the putt again.

"Wow," one of his opponents says. "That was the most touching thing I have ever seen. You've got a makeable putt for $200, yet you stopped and paid your respects. You really are something."

"Well," Charlie says, "we were married for 25 years."I've heard that joke before, but the punch line always surprises me. :evil6:

BK001
11-15-2018, 03:33 PM
An old woman was arrested for shoplifting at a grocery store. When she appeared before the judge, the judge asked what she had taken. The lady replied, "A can of peaches." The judge then asked why she had done it. She replied, "I was hungry and forgot to bring any cash to the store." The judge asked how many peaches were in the can. She replied, "Nine." The judge said, "Well then, I'm going to give you nine days in jail--one day for each peach." As the judge was about to drop his gavel, the lady's husband raised his hand and asked if he might speak. The judge said, "Yes, what do you have to add?" The husband said, "Your honor, she also stole a can of peas."

ColdNoMore
11-15-2018, 07:15 PM
An old woman was arrested for shoplifting at a grocery store. When she appeared before the judge, the judge asked what she had taken. The lady replied, "A can of peaches." The judge then asked why she had done it. She replied, "I was hungry and forgot to bring any cash to the store." The judge asked how many peaches were in the can. She replied, "Nine." The judge said, "Well then, I'm going to give you nine days in jail--one day for each peach." As the judge was about to drop his gavel, the lady's husband raised his hand and asked if he might speak. The judge said, "Yes, what do you have to add?" The husband said, "Your honor, she also stole a can of peas."


OH SNAP! :1rotfl:

BK001
11-16-2018, 05:34 PM
What does a Sadist do to a Masochist?

Nothing.

ColdNoMore
11-16-2018, 07:11 PM
What does a Sadist do to a Masochist?

Nothing.
:1rotfl:

I'm guessing the anticipation from the masochist...would be debilitating.

BK001
11-16-2018, 07:15 PM
:1rotfl:

I'm guessing the anticipation from the masochist...would be debilitating.


You may just be on the right track.

BK001
11-18-2018, 12:21 PM
A gentleman is preparing to board a plane when he hears that the Pope is on the same flight. “This is exciting,” thinks the gentleman. “Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.” Imagine his surprise when the Pope sits down in the seat next to him. Shortly after take-off, the Pope begins a crossword puzzle. Almost immediately, the Pope turns to the gentleman and says, “Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in ‘unt?’” Only one word leaps to mind. “My goodness,” thinks the gentleman, “I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another word.” The gentleman thinks for quite a while, and then it hits him. Turning to the Pope, the gentleman says, “I think the word you're looking for is ‘aunt.’” “Of course,” says the Pope. “Do you have an eraser?”

Ecuadog
11-18-2018, 08:23 PM
That's funny.

Nucky
11-18-2018, 08:30 PM
A gentleman is preparing to board a plane when he hears that the Pope is on the same flight. “This is exciting,” thinks the gentleman. “Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.” Imagine his surprise when the Pope sits down in the seat next to him. Shortly after take-off, the Pope begins a crossword puzzle. Almost immediately, the Pope turns to the gentleman and says, “Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in ‘unt?’” Only one word leaps to mind. “My goodness,” thinks the gentleman, “I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another word.” The gentleman thinks for quite a while, and then it hits him. Turning to the Pope, the gentleman says, “I think the word you're looking for is ‘aunt.’” “Of course,” says the Pope. “Do you have an eraser?”

That's a beauty but I would watch out for Lightning! :boom:

BK001
11-19-2018, 06:09 AM
That's a beauty but I would watch out for Lightning! :boom:

You are so right -- I'd better get started on my very long bucket list, just in case!

BK001
11-19-2018, 06:13 AM
Here's an old Rodney Dangerfield classic:

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

ColdNoMore
11-20-2018, 01:13 PM
A 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry and said, "You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"

With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down.

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

Little Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!"

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anyone?"

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated...is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued,

"As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:"

(1)"...you have a dirty mind,"

(2)"...you didn't read your homework, and..."







(3)"...one day you are going to be very, very disappointed." :1rotfl:

BK001
11-24-2018, 08:22 PM
A wife, while looking in a mirror, said to her husband,
“I feel horrible. I look old, fat and ugly. I really need a compliment right about now.”

Her husband answered: “Honey, you have damn near perfect eyesight”.

And then the fight began.

ColdNoMore
11-25-2018, 07:02 PM
I remember when I was a kid, I could go to the store with $1 and come home with 3 bags of chips, 2 candy bars, 6 packs of Starburst and a cold drink.








Nowadays...they have cameras everywhere.



:1rotfl:

dewilson58
12-03-2018, 04:19 PM
:faint:

ColdNoMore
12-06-2018, 06:26 PM
3 nursing home residents were talking about aging outside of their nursing home. The 60 year old resident said “60 is the worst age to be. You constantly feel like you have to pee but most of the time nothing happens.”

The 70 year old resident responds “That's nothing compared to being 70. You can't take a crap anymore. You eat all of the bran and take laxatives you can and still nothing happens.”

The 80 year old said, “You're both wrong. 80 is actually the worst.”

The 60 year old asked the 80 year old, “Do you have trouble peeing too?” He responded, “No. I go at 6 every morning. I have no problem at all.”

The 70 year old asked him, “Do you have trouble taking a crap?” “No, I go at 6:30 each morning” the 80 year old responded.

The 60 year old said “Let me understand you clearly. You go #1 every morning at 6am and #2 every morning half an hour later. What's so hard about being 80?”





The 80 year old concluded, “All of those things are true, but...




... I don't wake up until 10am.”

ColdNoMore
12-09-2018, 10:48 PM
Truth! :1rotfl:

ColdNoMore
12-15-2018, 01:32 PM
A couple in their nineties were both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor told them that they were physically okay, but might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asked.

"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

"Sure.."

"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asked.

"No, I can remember it.."

"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?"

He said, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that - write it down?" she asked.

Irritated, he said, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!"

Then he toddled off into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returned and handed his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment.








"Where's my toast?"

Taltarzac725
12-15-2018, 03:27 PM
A couple in their nineties were both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor told them that they were physically okay, but might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asked.

"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

"Sure.."

"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asked.

"No, I can remember it.."

"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?"

He said, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that - write it down?" she asked.

Irritated, he said, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!"

Then he toddled off into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returned and handed his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment.








"Where's my toast?"

Sounds like a typical day in my house.

Barefoot
12-15-2018, 04:09 PM
A couple in their nineties were both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor told them that they were physically okay, but might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asked.

"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

"Sure.."

"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asked.

"No, I can remember it.."

"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?"

He said, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that - write it down?" she asked.

Irritated, he said, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!"

Then he toddled off into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returned and handed his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment.



"Where's my toast?":clap2:

Taltarzac725
12-15-2018, 10:59 PM
A friend of mine has two tickets for the 2019 Super Bowl, both box seats. He paid $2,500 each but he didn't realize last year when he bought them, it was going to be on the same day as his wedding. If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place...It's at Holy Cross Church, on Lake Ave at 3pm. The bride's name is MaryAnn, she's 5'7", about 120 lbs, good cook too.....She'll be the one in the white dress. :popcorn:

BK001
12-18-2018, 07:42 AM
8:00 am: I made a snowman.

8:10 - A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.

8:15 - So, I made a snow woman.

8:17 - My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere.

8:20 - The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snow men instead.

8:22 - The transgender man..women...person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts.

8:25 - The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.

8:28 - I was being called a racist because the snow couple is white.

8:31 - The middle eastern gent across the road demanded the snow woman be covered up .

8:40 - The Police arrived saying someone had been offended.

8:42 - The feminist neighbor complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.

8:43 - The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.

8:45 - TV news crew from ABC showed up. I was asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I replied "Snowballs" and am now called a sexist.

9:00 - I was on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.

9:10 - I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children were taken by social services.

9:29 - Protesters offended by everything marched down the street demanding for me to be arrested.



Moral: There is no moral to this story. It is what we have become, all because of snowflakes.

BK001
12-18-2018, 07:44 AM
A friend of mine has two tickets for the 2019 Super Bowl, both box seats. He paid $2,500 each but he didn't realize last year when he bought them, it was going to be on the same day as his wedding. If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place...It's at Holy Cross Church, on Lake Ave at 3pm. The bride's name is MaryAnn, she's 5'7", about 120 lbs, good cook too.....She'll be the one in the white dress. :popcorn:

Kudos T :1rotfl:

fw102807
12-18-2018, 07:51 AM
8:00 am: I made a snowman.

8:10 - A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.

8:15 - So, I made a snow woman.

8:17 - My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere.

8:20 - The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snow men instead.

8:22 - The transgender man..women...person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts.

8:25 - The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.

8:28 - I was being called a racist because the snow couple is white.

8:31 - The middle eastern gent across the road demanded the snow woman be covered up .

8:40 - The Police arrived saying someone had been offended.

8:42 - The feminist neighbor complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.

8:43 - The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.

8:45 - TV news crew from ABC showed up. I was asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I replied "Snowballs" and am now called a sexist.

9:00 - I was on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.

9:10 - I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children were taken by social services.

9:29 - Protesters offended by everything marched down the street demanding for me to be arrested.



Moral: There is no moral to this story. It is what we have become, all because of snowflakes.

I'm afraid to say I liked this

Kenswing
12-18-2018, 08:23 AM
8:00 am: I made a snowman.

8:10 - A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.

8:15 - So, I made a snow woman.

8:17 - My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere.

8:20 - The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snow men instead.

8:22 - The transgender man..women...person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts.

8:25 - The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.

8:28 - I was being called a racist because the snow couple is white.

8:31 - The middle eastern gent across the road demanded the snow woman be covered up .

8:40 - The Police arrived saying someone had been offended.

8:42 - The feminist neighbor complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.

8:43 - The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.

8:45 - TV news crew from ABC showed up. I was asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I replied "Snowballs" and am now called a sexist.

9:00 - I was on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.

9:10 - I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children were taken by social services.

9:29 - Protesters offended by everything marched down the street demanding for me to be arrested.



Moral: There is no moral to this story. It is what we have become, all because of snowflakes.

I will be sharing this one.. lol

Taltarzac725
12-18-2018, 09:28 AM
8:00 am: I made a snowman.

8:10 - A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.

8:15 - So, I made a snow woman.

8:17 - My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere.

8:20 - The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snow men instead.

8:22 - The transgender man..women...person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts.

8:25 - The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.

8:28 - I was being called a racist because the snow couple is white.

8:31 - The middle eastern gent across the road demanded the snow woman be covered up .

8:40 - The Police arrived saying someone had been offended.

8:42 - The feminist neighbor complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.

8:43 - The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.

8:45 - TV news crew from ABC showed up. I was asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I replied "Snowballs" and am now called a sexist.

9:00 - I was on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.

9:10 - I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children were taken by social services.

9:29 - Protesters offended by everything marched down the street demanding for me to be arrested.



Moral: There is no moral to this story. It is what we have become, all because of snowflakes.


Have trouble with the "snowflake" insult as it is thrown at just about anyone by everyone else. Looks like it is from the movie Fight Club. Or originates there.

You are not special. You're not a beautiful and unique snowflake. You're the same decaying organic matter as everything else.

Kind of funny as this movie Fight Club is about some guy with a split personality who does not know what he is doing half the time. Because someone else is in control of him.