How do you go about being non-judgemental?

[Villages PL]

In the thread, "how do you pick friends" some said they look for those who are non-judgemental. I've heard that a lot over the years. Several years ago it was mentioned in a Daily Sun column. The writer, who still writes a column for the paper, mentioned it in conjunction with a presidential impeachment. (Note: this is not about politics it's about the question in the heading of this thread.) I only bring this up as an example.

Being that we all have standards of some sort or another, is it even possible to not be judgemental? Those who consider themselves to be "non-judgemental" must have some standards. Don't they themselves judge people who they think are judgemental?

Do you follow the 10 Commandments? Are they not judgemental?

Perhaps someone can clairify exactly what it means to be "non-judgemental".

[graciegirl]

I often wonder that myself. Each person has their own set of values and it is VERY hard if not impossible to like someone who was far from your mindset. I could never be friends with a thief. I could never be friends with someone who would molest a child or ....just a lot of things.

But on minor issues that I may not agree with and to me aren't deal breakers even if they are very different than me, I find people who differ interesting and sometimes I change my own mind about things because of how they are.

I think accepting of differences is along the same lines as non judgemental...but maybe...I don't know Villages Pl. Good question!

[kittygilchrist]

great topic. I can't be nonjudgemental without transcending ego. It happens for me occasionally by the grace of God that I view myself as part of the fabric of humanity.

[graciegirl]

great topic. I can't be nonjudgemental without transcending ego. It happens for me occasionally by the grace of God that I view myself as part of the fabric of humanity.


Kitty.

That sounds very kind...but I don't understand it. Just a little tad more clarification.

[2BNTV]

nonjudgmental - refraining from making judgments especially ones based on personal opinions or standards; "sympathetic and nonjudgmental"

I think we all are judgemental but with friends, I tend to think of them as observations and don't express them vocally. :smiley:

If a true friend is in a dire situation, then possibly something will be mentioned to help them get relief and if they are truly asking for your input.

After all, nobody's perfect.

[Mikeod]

Perhaps we can start with the thought that being non-judgmental means that one accepts there are alternatives to what one believes to be correct or proper. Somne years ago a friend was moved by the Army to an area much different from where he grew up. His attitude was that people did things, cooked things, drove, walked, talked, etc. wrong. To me, that is judgmental in that it assumes his way was not only right, but the only right way. Much better to say people did those things differently from how he did them. Not wrong, just different.

So, to me, being non-judgmental means not assuming my way is the only way.

Now there are certainly standards or rules that are accepted by society in general. To say it is wrong to drive on the wrong side of the road, to serve spoiled food, to attack someone physically, or similar, is not being judgemental in that you are upholding established/accepted standards of behavior and not enforcing personal standards that are not widely accepted.

Let's see what other members think.

[OldDave]

I think being non-judgemental is very, very difficult, especially for me. I tend to analyse, critic and offer my opinion when it is not asked for, and certainly not needed. (Big surprise to the rest of you, eh?) Perhaps that's why I've been harping about civil discourse so much lately. It is truly my wish in my later years to be able to change this.

I agree with other comments and would add these tips to help.

DO NOT offer your opinon or observation on something that really doesn't matter to you, unless asked for it.

NEVER discuss politics or religion if there is any way humanly possible to avoid doing so.

THINK before you speak. And try to put yourself in the listeners shoes when you do.

If you have to disagree with someone, make sure it truly is important enough that you need to do it.

Understand there is seldom one right answer, or one right way to do anything. Yours may be valid, but it may not be any better than anyone else's.

Always keep in mind that just because the person you're talking with is the same race, religion or political party as you, doesn't mean they have all the same views as you do. If you do assume it, you'll like offend them and not even know it. LISTEN is always a good place to start, before you talk.


Now, if I can just embrace these things, I know I'll be a happier person, and so will those around me.

[kittygilchrist]

Kitty.

That sounds very kind...but I don't understand it. Just a little tad more clarification.

Gracie, for example, on 9/11 I thought that if I were born in arabic culture to families of perpetrators, there could go I.

[kittygilchrist]

additionally, we all establish allegiances, to family, to country, to tribe.
football is a fine example: I like the Gators and hope the Ravens win the Superbowl.
If I were truly nonjudgemental, I would care as much for one as for the other.
but something about being human makes me want more for my family, my country, my tribe.

[ilovetv]

Perhaps we can start with the thought that being non-judgmental means that one accepts there are alternatives to what one believes to be correct or proper. Somne years ago a friend was moved by the Army to an area much different from where he grew up. His attitude was that people did things, cooked things, drove, walked, talked, etc. wrong. To me, that is judgmental in that it assumes his way was not only right, but the only right way. Much better to say people did those things differently from how he did them. Not wrong, just different.

So, to me, being non-judgmental means not assuming my way is the only way.

Now there are certainly standards or rules that are accepted by society in general. To say it is wrong to drive on the wrong side of the road, to serve spoiled food, to attack someone physically, or similar, is not being judgemental in that you are upholding established/accepted standards of behavior and not enforcing personal standards that are not widely accepted.

Let's see what other members think.

I think this is a good explanation.

In recent years, people have stretched and custom-fitted Christ's saying "Judge not lest you be judged" into saying "Don't say anything about it if you see somebody doing something that is wrong, wrong, wrong morally or legally."

Often people are turning a blind eye to what is wrong morally/legally for the sake of appearing more tolerant. But I think it results in not correcting our children or even adults when they are going way off track, and this will likely lead to their being harmed in the long run.

[Cantwaittoarrive]

I think it means you go into a relationship with out any preconceived judgements and allow the person to establish if they are friend-worthy or not. Of course it seems to me to be impossible to be totally non-judgemental, for example you have to make a quick judgement with everyone you meet if your life is safe by exposing yourself to them, you wouldn't walk up to someone holding a gun, robbing a bank and say I want to be your friend, what are you doing after the robbery? lets get a drink

[Barefoot]

great topic. I can't be nonjudgemental without transcending ego. It happens for me occasionally by the grace of God that I view myself as part of the fabric of humanity.


Perhaps we can start with the thought that being non-judgmental means that one accepts there are alternatives to what one believes to be correct or proper. So, to me, being non-judgmental means not assuming my way is the only way.

I agree with Kitty that being nonjudgemental requires transcending ego, a challenge for most of us. And that ties into Mikeod's post that being nonjudgmental means not assuming "my way is the only way".

[Lark7]

I agree with Kitty about not being judgmental - except for the comment about the Ravens winning the Super Bowl.
[B]Go Forty Niners !

[2BNTV]

I don't mean this as a disagreement but it seems to me the statement:"My way is the only way" is being intolerant as opposed to being judgemental. I recognized intiolerance because my father was that way and I have a great role model not to be followed.

I dislike people who can't see another point of view. It is being narrow minded to me. We all are different with something to add to the spice of life.
We are a product of what we have read, learned and whom we hung around with. We should respect are differences and learn from others point of view.
That's why GOD gave us two ears and one mouth. :smiley:

[lightworker888]

Being non-judgmental to me means staying in an "allowing" place with others. That doesn't mean that you have to agree or follow their lead. It just means that you make space in your perception to let them be who they are without judging their actions or opinions regardless of how you personally feel about the opinions or actions.

A trainer I once had suggested that whenever someone offered an opinion or action that we couldn't understand or went contrary to our belief system, that the question we should ask ourselves was "what must be the presuppositions that the person's conclusions are based on" or "what must he believe in order to think or conclude that?" It is a very interesting exercise and one that often created openings in my own belief system.

The next question was "do I believe any of that or is it near anything that I do believe or how does it differ from my beliefs?"

So for me doing my best to be non-judgmental is an opportunity for me to expand my perceptions, which is always challenging if not fun. Good exercise for the brain.

LW888

[rhood]

DO NOT offer your opinon or observation on something that really doesn't matter to you, unless asked for it.



Wow, how many posts on TOTV fit here?

[graciegirl]

Wow, how many posts on TOTV fit here?

Gulp. Well..now this week I have a lot of time on my hands because Sweetie had to go back to Ohio for business.


Somebody please help me.

[kittygilchrist]

I agree with Kitty about not being judgmental - except for the comment about the Ravens winning the Super Bowl.
[B]Go Forty Niners !

haha! that makes the game funner! I do love football!

[billethkid]

does this help:

Luke 6:37 ESV

“Judge not, and you will not be judged; condemn not, and you will not be condemned; forgive, and you will be forgiven;

[Barefoot]

DO NOT offer your opinon or observation on something that really doesn't matter to you, unless asked for it.


Wow, how many posts on TOTV fit here?

I think TOTV would be a boring and lonely place without the influx of ideas and opinions from all sources. Oh rats, is that judgemental? :oops:

[Uptown Girl]

To look at this a little differently....

I think that if a person's criteria (for friendship) has 'being non judgemental' as first on their list, I would tend to think there is a sensitivity there, a history (or a fear) of being judged themselves. It would tell me more about the person than he/she might know they are revealing. I'd be open to being proved wrong, but they would have to show me.

Any time a list starts with what one DOESN'T want, instead of what pleases them in others, tells me they most often focus on what they don't like. That's usually habitual, in my experience.

Earlier posters gave some very astute observations, and all are factors in that we are all navigating, and trying to FEEL GOOD. Every one of us.

Many of us get hung up on how to perpetuate our 'feeling good' when others won't cooperate the way we want them to, or embrace our 'program'.... and rather than focus on continuing to perpetuate our own feelings, we drop that inner connection, and focus on trying to fix the poor slob so he will think right, or write him off, hold a grudge or worse.

If feeling good, for example, means staying within a tried and true comfort zone, then any challenge to that is uncomfortable. That's where allowing (as was mentioned in an earlier post) is so valuable.... but we must have some measure of self esteem in place to allow others to be, do or have without the need to be inextricably involved.
Common sense judgements, of course are made by us everyday. That's what has helped to perpetuate our species!

[Cedwards38]

We all have our values, opinions, likes and dislikes, and doctrines by which we shape and live our own lives. The 10 Commandments are judgmental, but they are intended as a means for each person to self judge, not as a means to judge others. Having an opinion is fine. Allowing a difference of opinion to cause you to dislike others and treat others in a manner in which you would not want to be treated yourself is judgmental. As a Christian, we don't hate the athiest. As a Democrat/ or Republican, we don't hate the opposite. As a poor man, we don't hate the rich man. And these examples go on and on.

Are there exceptions? Maybe. For example, does the slave hate the master? Does the victim hate the rapist/murderer/robber? Does the cheated spouse hate the cheater? I guess judgmentalism comes in degrees.

I know that we are supposed to forgive those who offend, harm, or transgress against us. I also know that that forgiveness can sometimes take every ounce of emotional strength that we can muster, and I confess that I am not always successful. Nevertheless, I think that is important to do and I will (maybe read "we should") always try to do it.

[Suzi]

[QUOTE=lightworker888;617948]

A trainer I once had suggested that whenever someone offered an opinion or action that we couldn't understand or went contrary to our belief system, that the question we should ask ourselves was "what must be the presuppositions that the person's conclusions are based on" or "what must he believe in order to think or conclude that?" It is a very interesting exercise and one that often created openings in my own belief system.

The next question was "do I believe any of that or is it near anything that I do believe or how does it differ from my beliefs?"

So for me doing my best to be non-judgmental is an opportunity for me to expand my perceptions, which is always challenging if not fun. Good exercise for the brain.

I just love to challenge my beliefs....just like mind-expanding drugs in the 70's without the LSD. It IS an opportunity to re-examine what you hold to be truths and decide if they are still valid. So, for me to be non-judgemental is to be available to others opinions, beliefs, life experiences.

[lightworker888]

SuzieQ, When we first started looking at beliefs back in the '80's and '90's, it was amazing how many of the beliefs we held were based on unconscious adopted beliefs that we never questioned. I remember one process "The Option Method" developed by Barry Kaufman (author of Happiness is a Choice among others). One of the questions we had to ask ourselves, after discovering and wording the belief, was "Do I really or still believe that?" It was really fun to discover that we could let go of old beliefs that were no longer true for us or serving us and could reword or spell out what we really believed now. There are lots of ways to shift perception and expand consciousness. It just takes an interest and some time off the golf course, which is hard for me when I am in TV!! Still challenged balancing "doing" and "being".


LW888

[graciegirl]

additionally, we all establish allegiances, to family, to country, to tribe.
football is a fine example: I like the Gators and hope the Ravens win the Superbowl.
If I were truly nonjudgemental, I would care as much for one as for the other.
but something about being human makes me want more for my family, my country, my tribe.

Is the term "transcending ego" Buddhist? Or perhaps something to do with Yoga? It isn't familiar to me.

[redwitch]

As a child, I literally lived all over the world. I quickly learned to accept others and their beliefs. That doesn't mean I didn't judge -- I'm human -- but I learned and accepted that "my way" wasn't necessarily the right way and most definitely was not the only way.

We all have our prejudices, basic beliefs. I cannot tolerate a bigot. I hate to see someone being cruel to a child or an animal. I don't understand someone not helping when they can. In these things, I am very judgmental.

Bad grammar and spelling drives me bonkers. Being a bad driver gets my juices flowing. Never seeing another side saddens me. However, I'm not going to humiliate someone for these type of behaviors. I'll mutter to myself and keep going my own way.

On TOTV, I've seen comments that have truly made me flinch. A few even by people that I consider friends. I'll never say anything to them publicly, but I will comment when I see them that I felt their comment was inappropriate. Some of the comments, I really don't understand and I truly don't want to. There are a few people here that I pray I never meet in real life because of their meanness and pettiness. So, even if I don't want to be, I'm judgmental. We all are. I think the best we can do is try to not let our judgments stop us from being decent people, from accepting that others will have different viewpoints and different values. A little kindness, acceptance and understanding goes a long way.

Oh, and go Niners!!!!!!

[lightworker888]

It seems to me that it would be useful to make a distinction between being judgmental and being observant but allowing. For me the word judgmental implies that I am judging another by my standards and that always gets me in trouble. We can all be observant and have opinions , but when we measure and criticize the action of others against our standards or beliefs, I feel that is judgmental and not conducive to forming good friendships. A healthy debate always livens conversation as long as people can agree to disagree, and that doesn't have to be judgmental. Like one poster said, it does take a certain degree of security about oneself to be able to take a stand in opposition, especially a loud well articulated opposition from someone whom we might view as an authority figure. Staying in a story and looking for a "club" often encourages a judgmental attitude as it forms an "us" vs "others" kind of outlook which makes allowing more difficult I think. Just my 2 cents.


LW888

[Villages PL]

I think TOTV would be a boring and lonely place without the influx of ideas and opinions from all sources. Oh rats, is that judgemental? :oops:

Ha! Good observation. Let's express our ideas and opinions and then have the courage to defend them, if called for.

If a thread is discussing or debating something, I don't believe it's intolerant or judgemental to tell someone you think they are wrong. You then explain why you think your way or position is right or better. There's nothing wrong with that. It's not a command.

The problem comes in when someone joins a long thread-debate in progress and doesn't bother reading all the many previous posts. For example, they may read the first few posts and then skip to the last two. Then based on that they can easily get the wrong impression and make a judgement based on that impression. They don't get the true spirit of the debate.

[graciegirl]

Ha! Good observation. Let's express our ideas and opinions and then have the courage to defend them, if called for.

If a thread is discussing or debating something, I don't believe it's intolerant or judgemental to tell someone you think they are wrong. You then explain why you think your way or position is right or better. There's nothing wrong with that. It's not a command.

The problem comes in when someone joins a long thread-debate in progress and doesn't bother reading all the many previous posts. For example, they may read the first few posts and then skip to the last two. Then based on that they can easily get the wrong impression and make a judgement based on that impression. They don't get the true spirit of the debate.

I agree.

[SALYBOW]

I try to keep the following adages in mind:

1.The God that created them is the same God that created me. I guess he/she wanted people to be different.

2. To each his own said the lady that kissed the cow.

3. There is more than one way to skin a rabbit.

4. They probably are judging me... so I'll rise above all that.

$ The more time I spend judging people the less time I have to have fun...

[Barefoot]

If a thread is discussing or debating something, I don't believe it's intolerant or judgemental to tell someone you think they are wrong. You then explain why you think your way or position is right or better. There's nothing wrong with that.

There is nothing wrong when you explain in detail how you think you have a great idea or a better position. However I think telling a previous poster they are wrong is judgmental.

[senior citizen]

Is the term "transcending ego" Buddhist? Or perhaps something to do with Yoga? It isn't familiar to me.

Tolerance in Buddhism
Many Buddhists believe that world peace (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/world_peace) can only be achieved if we first establish peace within our minds. Buddha said, “Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without.” (Siddhārtha Gautama (http://www.quoteworld.org/quotes/2045)) The idea is that anger (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/) and other negative states of mind are the cause of wars and fighting. Buddhists believe people can live in peace (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/peace) and harmony (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/harmony) if we abandon negative emotions such as anger in our minds and cultivate positive emotions such as love (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/love) and compassio (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/compassion)n

Buddhists have shown significant tolerance for other religions: "Buddhist tolerance springs from the recognition that the dispositions and spiritual needs of human beings are too vastly diverse to be encompassed by any single teaching, and thus that these needs will naturally find expression in a wide variety of religious forms." (Bhikkhu Bodhi, "Tolerance and Diversity". (http://www.accesstoinsight.org/lib/authors/bodhi/bps-essay_24.html)) James Freeman Clarke (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/James_Freeman_Clarke) said in Ten Great Religions (1871): "The Buddhists have founded no Inquisition; they have combined the zeal which converted kingdoms with a toleration almost inexplicable to our Western experience."

"The faiths of others all deserve to be honored for one reason or another. By honoring them, one exalts one's own faith and at the same time performs a service to the faith of others." (Kristin Scheible, "Towards a Buddhist Policy of Tolerance: the case of King Ashoka" in Jacob Neusner, p. 323)


The five precepts are the foundation of Buddhist morality for lay Buddhists:
Do not take the life of anything living. (Do not kill)
Do not take anything not freely given. (Do not steal)
Abstain from sexual misconduct and sensual overindulgence.
Refrain from untrue speech. (Do not lie)
Do not consume alcohol or other drugs.
Love Meditation
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/0/04/Buddha_der_Liebe.jpg/200px-Buddha_der_Liebe.jpg (http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Buddha_der_Liebe.jpg)http://bits.wikimedia.org/static-1.21wmf6/skins/common/images/magnify-clip.png (http://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/File:Buddha_der_Liebe.jpg)
Buddha of Love (giving love and peace).


1. Universe. We visualize the whole universe, make circles with our arms and think, "I wish a world of peace, love and happiness. My way of truth is ..."
2. Television. What man on television today touches you negative or positive? Clean the energetic connection. Give him a positive sentence. Think the sentence as a mantra until you have overcome all attachment or rejection. Everything you see outside makes a knot in your soul. Create harmony in your mind. The first step to happiness is to create a positive world in your mind. We move a hand and send all the people light, "I send light to ... May all people be happy. May the world be happy."

[senior citizen]

Buddhism has many words of wisdom. So do other world religions.....all with a common theme of love and peace.

Mankind breaks these rules, making their own rules..........

Most mature adults who have lived as long as all of us have........should be able to discern that each of us come from a slightly different upbringing, but that "life in general" has taught us to enjoy the differences we all bring to the table.

If we were all the same, how boring would that be?

Also, to accept things "blindly" is a bit narrow minded.

Although we were brought up Catholic, my mom allowed spiritual exploration as she was a free spirit herself......reading voluminously, as I did, of all the great world religions............all preach love and tolerance. Man changes that when making their own "rules".

We have a cousin, brought up similarly, who is still stuck back in the 1950's and thinks all the young folks today should live that way..........not going to happen.
However, common decency should still prevail as we allow our young folks to make their own life choices...........and we seniors should tolerate each others' opinions.

[SALYBOW]

Is the term "transcending ego" Buddhist? Or perhaps something to do with Yoga? It isn't familiar to me.

To me, transcending ego would be to move past my own self wants, needs etc to consider the wants and needs of another.

[DAWN MARIE]

Making judgments is part of life. If I saw a man strewn out on the park bench day after day with a liquor bottle in his hand I would judge him to be an alcoholic with maybe no place to stay. If I saw a girl, dressed in a less than acceptable way, standing on a street corner late at night trying to solicit men I would judge her to be a "working woman."

These would be making "right" or "logical" judgments. We make judgments like this every single day. These judgment calls can help us in making decisions on whether to help or walk away.

From a Christian POV it's not about making judgments it's about making right judgments. There is such a thing as judging wrongly. It's about judging others with hypocrisy and/or malice. That's wrong. How can I judge someone in a critical or malicious way when I'm just as guilty?

[graciegirl]

To me, transcending ego would be to move past my own self wants, needs etc to consider the wants and needs of another.

The Golden Rule.

Works for me.

[senior citizen]

The Golden Rule.

Works for me.

It's true in all faiths........

The Golden Rule (alphabetically listed)

Brahmanism:
This is the sum of duty: Do naught unto others which would cause you pain if done to you.

Buddhism:
Hurt not others in ways that you yourself would find hurtful.

Christianity:
All things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them; for this is the law and the prophets. Matthew 7:12

Confucianism:
Surely it is the maxim of loving kindness. Do not unto others what you would not have them do unto you.

Islam:
No one of you is a believer until he desires for his brother that which he desires for himself.

Judaism:
What is hateful to you, do not to your fellowman.
That is the entire law; all the rest is commentary.

Taoism:
Regard your neighbor's gain as your own gain and your neighbor's loss as your own loss.

Zoroastrianism:
That nature alone is good which refrains from doing unto another whatsover is not good for itself.

Collected by and courtesy of Elizabeth Pool