[Villages PL]

In the thread, "how do you pick friends" some said they look for those who are non-judgemental. I've heard that a lot over the years. Several years ago it was mentioned in a Daily Sun column. The writer, who still writes a column for the paper, mentioned it in conjunction with a presidential impeachment. (Note: this is not about politics it's about the question in the heading of this thread.) I only bring this up as an example.

Being that we all have standards of some sort or another, is it even possible to not be judgemental? Those who consider themselves to be "non-judgemental" must have some standards. Don't they themselves judge people who they think are judgemental?

Do you follow the 10 Commandments? Are they not judgemental?

Perhaps someone can clairify exactly what it means to be "non-judgemental".

[graciegirl]

I often wonder that myself. Each person has their own set of values and it is VERY hard if not impossible to like someone who was far from your mindset. I could never be friends with a thief. I could never be friends with someone who would molest a child or ....just a lot of things.

But on minor issues that I may not agree with and to me aren't deal breakers even if they are very different than me, I find people who differ interesting and sometimes I change my own mind about things because of how they are.

I think accepting of differences is along the same lines as non judgemental...but maybe...I don't know Villages Pl. Good question!

[kittygilchrist]

great topic. I can't be nonjudgemental without transcending ego. It happens for me occasionally by the grace of God that I view myself as part of the fabric of humanity.

[graciegirl]

Originally Posted by kittygilchrist

great topic. I can't be nonjudgemental without transcending ego. It happens for me occasionally by the grace of God that I view myself as part of the fabric of humanity.

Kitty.

That sounds very kind...but I don't understand it. Just a little tad more clarification.

[2BNTV]

nonjudgmental - refraining from making judgments especially ones based on personal opinions or standards; "sympathetic and nonjudgmental"

I think we all are judgemental but with friends, I tend to think of them as observations and don't express them vocally.

If a true friend is in a dire situation, then possibly something will be mentioned to help them get relief and if they are truly asking for your input.

After all, nobody's perfect.

[Mikeod]

Perhaps we can start with the thought that being non-judgmental means that one accepts there are alternatives to what one believes to be correct or proper. Somne years ago a friend was moved by the Army to an area much different from where he grew up. His attitude was that people did things, cooked things, drove, walked, talked, etc. wrong. To me, that is judgmental in that it assumes his way was not only right, but the only right way. Much better to say people did those things differently from how he did them. Not wrong, just different.

So, to me, being non-judgmental means not assuming my way is the only way.

Now there are certainly standards or rules that are accepted by society in general. To say it is wrong to drive on the wrong side of the road, to serve spoiled food, to attack someone physically, or similar, is not being judgemental in that you are upholding established/accepted standards of behavior and not enforcing personal standards that are not widely accepted.

Let's see what other members think.

[OldDave]

I think being non-judgemental is very, very difficult, especially for me. I tend to analyse, critic and offer my opinion when it is not asked for, and certainly not needed. (Big surprise to the rest of you, eh?) Perhaps that's why I've been harping about civil discourse so much lately. It is truly my wish in my later years to be able to change this.

I agree with other comments and would add these tips to help.

DO NOT offer your opinon or observation on something that really doesn't matter to you, unless asked for it.

NEVER discuss politics or religion if there is any way humanly possible to avoid doing so.

THINK before you speak. And try to put yourself in the listeners shoes when you do.

If you have to disagree with someone, make sure it truly is important enough that you need to do it.

Understand there is seldom one right answer, or one right way to do anything. Yours may be valid, but it may not be any better than anyone else's.

Always keep in mind that just because the person you're talking with is the same race, religion or political party as you, doesn't mean they have all the same views as you do. If you do assume it, you'll like offend them and not even know it. LISTEN is always a good place to start, before you talk.


Now, if I can just embrace these things, I know I'll be a happier person, and so will those around me.

[kittygilchrist]

Originally Posted by graciegirl

Kitty.

That sounds very kind...but I don't understand it. Just a little tad more clarification.

Gracie, for example, on 9/11 I thought that if I were born in arabic culture to families of perpetrators, there could go I.

[kittygilchrist]

additionally, we all establish allegiances, to family, to country, to tribe.
football is a fine example: I like the Gators and hope the Ravens win the Superbowl.
If I were truly nonjudgemental, I would care as much for one as for the other.
but something about being human makes me want more for my family, my country, my tribe.

[ilovetv]

Originally Posted by mikeod

Perhaps we can start with the thought that being non-judgmental means that one accepts there are alternatives to what one believes to be correct or proper. Somne years ago a friend was moved by the Army to an area much different from where he grew up. His attitude was that people did things, cooked things, drove, walked, talked, etc. wrong. To me, that is judgmental in that it assumes his way was not only right, but the only right way. Much better to say people did those things differently from how he did them. Not wrong, just different.

So, to me, being non-judgmental means not assuming my way is the only way.

Now there are certainly standards or rules that are accepted by society in general. To say it is wrong to drive on the wrong side of the road, to serve spoiled food, to attack someone physically, or similar, is not being judgemental in that you are upholding established/accepted standards of behavior and not enforcing personal standards that are not widely accepted.

Let's see what other members think.

I think this is a good explanation.

In recent years, people have stretched and custom-fitted Christ's saying "Judge not lest you be judged" into saying "Don't say anything about it if you see somebody doing something that is wrong, wrong, wrong morally or legally."

Often people are turning a blind eye to what is wrong morally/legally for the sake of appearing more tolerant. But I think it results in not correcting our children or even adults when they are going way off track, and this will likely lead to their being harmed in the long run.

[Cantwaittoarrive]

I think it means you go into a relationship with out any preconceived judgements and allow the person to establish if they are friend-worthy or not. Of course it seems to me to be impossible to be totally non-judgemental, for example you have to make a quick judgement with everyone you meet if your life is safe by exposing yourself to them, you wouldn't walk up to someone holding a gun, robbing a bank and say I want to be your friend, what are you doing after the robbery? lets get a drink

[Barefoot]

Originally Posted by kittygilchrist

great topic. I can't be nonjudgemental without transcending ego. It happens for me occasionally by the grace of God that I view myself as part of the fabric of humanity.

Originally Posted by mikeod

Perhaps we can start with the thought that being non-judgmental means that one accepts there are alternatives to what one believes to be correct or proper. So, to me, being non-judgmental means not assuming my way is the only way.

I agree with Kitty that being nonjudgemental requires transcending ego, a challenge for most of us. And that ties into Mikeod's post that being nonjudgmental means not assuming "my way is the only way".

[Lark7]

I agree with Kitty about not being judgmental - except for the comment about the Ravens winning the Super Bowl.
[B]Go Forty Niners !

[2BNTV]

I don't mean this as a disagreement but it seems to me the statement:"My way is the only way" is being intolerant as opposed to being judgemental. I recognized intiolerance because my father was that way and I have a great role model not to be followed.

I dislike people who can't see another point of view. It is being narrow minded to me. We all are different with something to add to the spice of life.
We are a product of what we have read, learned and whom we hung around with. We should respect are differences and learn from others point of view.
That's why GOD gave us two ears and one mouth.

[lightworker888]

Being non-judgmental to me means staying in an "allowing" place with others. That doesn't mean that you have to agree or follow their lead. It just means that you make space in your perception to let them be who they are without judging their actions or opinions regardless of how you personally feel about the opinions or actions.

A trainer I once had suggested that whenever someone offered an opinion or action that we couldn't understand or went contrary to our belief system, that the question we should ask ourselves was "what must be the presuppositions that the person's conclusions are based on" or "what must he believe in order to think or conclude that?" It is a very interesting exercise and one that often created openings in my own belief system.

The next question was "do I believe any of that or is it near anything that I do believe or how does it differ from my beliefs?"

So for me doing my best to be non-judgmental is an opportunity for me to expand my perceptions, which is always challenging if not fun. Good exercise for the brain.

LW888