I'm not sure The Villages could handle that but here's a cheat:

A Brooklyn man goes to the doctor. The doctor says, “I have some good news and some bad news”.

“What’s the good news, Doc?’
You got 24 hours to live.”
What’s the bad news?”
I’ve been trying to reach you since yesterday.”

A Groaner
 

Thought better and didn't post the joke after all. Kinda racy.

:1rotfl::1rotfl::1rotfl: Love this

Doc, I can't stop singing the "Green Green Grass of Home."

He said..."That sounds like you have Tom Jones syndrome."

"Is it common?"...I asked.





He replied..."It's not unusual."

Oh c'mon -- Just DO IT! As we used to say in Brooklyn "I got your back"

Dare you --
Double Dare you!

Ok - I'll go first.

Overhead:

This morning, I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator.

I was staring at her ample boobs when she said
“ Would you please press one?”

So I did.

I don’t remember much more after that.

Ok -- Here goes -- Don't read if you get easily offended -- You've been warned!

Two nuns were bicycling over cobblestones on the backroads of Rome.

The younger nun said to the elder: "I've never come this way before."

The older nun smiled and said: "I know".

Phyllis Diller said:

Do you know why your golf instructor keeps telling you to keep your head down?


So you won't see him laughing.

Wife sends a text message to her husband on a really cold winter morning: "Windows are totally frozen, will not open."

Husband replies: “Carefully pour some warm water over it and tap the edges first with your hand, if that doesn’t work, then gently with a hammer.”




15 minutes later, the wife texts back: “Oh no, I think the laptop is now totally ruined.”



:D

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was really something special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything.
Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow, what a guy!"

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "I never actually met Frank.
He died and I married his frigging wife".

BRAVA! BRAVA! BRAVA! You know this is going into my memory collection. Really good. :bigbow:

So now you got me thinking ... hmmmmm....

In these politically charged times of sexual accusations, and the #MeToo movement, etc., the following ditty is probably appropriate:


Jack and Jill went up the hill
And planned to do some kissing
Jack made a pass
And grabbed Jill's ass
Now Jack’s front teeth are missing!

A female resident of The Villages is out walking when she sees an attractive older man sitting on a bench.
They strike up a conversation and she asked, "Have you lived here long?"

"I bought in here 20 years ago."
She answered, "I've been here 15 years.
Why Haven't I seen you before?"

'I've been in prison for the last 17 years."
Looking amazed, she asked "What were you in for?"
"I murdered my first wife."

She looked at him sympathetically and asked "So you're single then?"

The Funeral Procession

Four golfers who like to gamble wind up in the same foursome. The pot builds throughout the day until they reach the 18th green, where Charlie has a chance to putt for dough.

If he makes his 10-foot putt, he wins $200.
Charlie lines up his putt, but just as he's about to take his stance, a funeral procession begins passing by on the road that runs alongside the 18th hole.

Charlie steps away from his ball, sets down his putter, takes off his hat and places it over his heart, and waits for the funeral procession to completely pass. One all the cars in the funeral procession have passed, Charlie picks up his putter and begins lining up the putt again.

"Wow," one of his opponents says. "That was the most touching thing I have ever seen. You've got a makeable putt for $200, yet you stopped and paid your respects. You really are something."

"Well," Charlie says, "we were married for 25 years."

I've heard that joke before, but the punch line always surprises me. :evil6: