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Why is my laptop such a great singer? It's A DELL
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Old Freddie is on his death bed and is surrounded by his wife and two children and a nurse. He asks for 2 witnesses and a video camera so he can convey his last wishes. He tells his son to take the three beach houses, he tells his daughter to take the three condos on the beach, and he tells his wife to take the office buildings around the court house and then he dies. The nurse says to his wife, WOW I didn't know Freddie was that rich. His wife answers: He wasn't rich, he had a paper route.
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A long time friend and I have our birthday's two days apart, so for 25+ years we celebrated together...by going out to dinner. One year he brought a neighbor couple of his, but they had to leave before dessert. When asked why they had to leave early, my buddy's wife said... "he cheated on his wife, got the other woman pregnant and now has a second job distributing newspapers early (around 3:00AM)...to pay the child support." :22yikes: |
A man goes to a $10 hooker and contracts crabs.
When he goes back to complain, the hooker laughs and says, "What do you expect for $10 -- lobster?" |
A psychoanalyst shows a patient an inkblot, and asks him what he sees.
The patient says: "A man and woman making love." The psychoanalyst shows him a second inkblot, and the patient says: "That's also a man and woman making love." The psychoanalyst says: "You are obsessed with sex." The patient says: "What do you mean I am obsessed? You are the one with all the dirty pictures.'' |
A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that. About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the table!" The doctor says, "I’m sorry, we didn’t realize the pill was that strong! The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages."
"Nah," she says, "that's okay. We're never going back to that restaurant anyway." |
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Very appropriate around here. :1rotfl:
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Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?"
The engineer replies, "In the region of $175,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?" The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it." |
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This one absolutely wins the prize!!! :thumbup: |
A new monk shows up at a monastery where the monks spend their time making copies of ancient books. The new monk goes to the basement of the monastery saying he wants to make copies of the originals rather than of others' copies so as to avoid duplicating errors they might have made.
Several hours later the monks, wondering where their new friend is, find him crying in the basement. They ask him what is wrong and he says "the word is CELEBRATE, not CELIBATE!" :1rotfl: |
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