Every joke is an attempt to lighten people's day.

Exactly. :thumbup:

The beauty of this site (and pretty much every single internet site for that matter), is that we don't have to click on any particular thread/forum/story...and no one is making us read them. :ohdear:

If I don't like a thread, I simply don't subscribe...or make any comments in it. :oops:

Then again, it's pretty obvious that.... :D

An assassin approaches Donald Trump and is aiming his gun. At the last moment, a brand new secret service agent yells “Mickey Mouse!”

Unnerved, the assassin is captured.

Later, the secret service supervisor asks the agent, “what made you yell Mickey Mouse”?

Blushing, the agent says “I got nervous. I meant to yell “Donald, duck!”

P.S. Thanks to my granddaughter for this one.

You have an awesome granddaughter. :1rotfl:

This reminds me of an old joke---This older gentleman is leaning against the bar and a younger woman passing by pauses and whispers in his ear----Would you like to have some super sex? And he says "I'll have the soup"

Sounds like my life of late. It has turned into a Woody Allen movie.

For gearheads
 

That sounds like something I have heard before but cannot remember the comedian. Phyliss Diller and Fang maybe?.

My old aunts would come and tease me at weddings, “Well Sarah? Do you think you’ll be next?”




This doesn't happen anymore...once I’ve started doing the same to them at funerals.



:1rotfl:

I use to live in a foggy place. One day it was so foggy my dog had to back up to bark.

Paddy had been drinking at his local pub all day and most of the night, celebrating St Patrick’s Day.

Mick, the bartender says, ‘You’ll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy’

Paddy replies, ‘OK Mick, I’ll be on my way then’. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.

‘Damn’ he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, ‘oh bloody damn!’

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he’ll be fine.

He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.

‘Be-Jesus… I’m in bloody trouble,’ he says. He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.

He takes a look up the stairs and says ‘No bloody way....’

He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says ‘I can make it to the bed’. He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says ‘damn it’ and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, ‘Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night ?’

Paddy says, ‘I did, Jess. I was bloody ****ed. But how did you know?’

‘Mick phoned . . . You left your wheelchair at the pub.’

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.

"Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing.

Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"






The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

:1rotfl: