What does "chemistry" mean?
 

After discussing what chemistry means with two single friends, it is apparent that there may be no consensus at all to define or know when there is chemistry with someone.
So tossing this bone out for discussion, you fabulous singles:
Chemistry.
what is it?
how do you know when it's there or not there?
how much does it mean for predicting a long term relationship?
can it be absent at various stages of relationship?
can chemistry grow or is it either there or not there?
Can a relationship exist on and on without it?

chachacha has approved this message. TOTV denies any affiliation. :duck:

Great question!
 

This is only my opinion, others will have their own definition.

what is it?
It's difficult to define, but I think it's an attraction and I don't mean looks. It's a bunch of things - could be the tone of voice, a nice smile, a certain gentleness and/or kindness, the cologne he's wearing, his eagerness to get to know you, common interests, his sense of humor, the respect he shows for you and last but not least - it's a gut feeling. I would have to feel and/or receive a comfort feeling, someone I want to spend time with. So much more to list, but these are the important signs. There another sign, but I would have to take this offline and pm it to you!

how do you know when it's there or not there?
I can sense chemistry within the first 5 minutes of meeting someone. If I felt chemistry with someone, I will want to continue talking and getting to know him more and flirt. Flirting is huge if I'm feeling chemistry. No chemistry, no flirting. I will remain cordial through the date, say good night, thank him for a nice evening and move on. Definitely no kiss.

how much does it mean for predicting a long term relationship?
It doesn't predict a long term relationship. It only means he's right for now. Long term would require a background check. ; )

can it be absent at various stages of relationship?
No, it's can't be absent for me.

can chemistry grow or is it either there or not there?
It's either there or not. If it's there, it can definitely grow.

Can a relationship exist on and on without it?
Nope, not for me. If I don't feel any chemistry, he could definitely remain a in a friend relationship, but nothing more. If I were to consider a relationship, there would have to be romance and I couldn't be romantic with someone I don't have chemistry with. I would rather be home with my dog that be with someone who I am uncomfortable with.

I'm anxious to read other people's definition . . .

I think chemistry happens between men and women, but also between people of the same sex (not homosexual/lesbian), as friends or between people and animals. It's the feeling that you 'click'. The feeling that you fit right together as friends or there is an attraction with each other that feels good and you want to spend more time together and get to know each other more. When it's between opposite sexes it's a sexual attraction that grows and keeps you interested in a way that's cerebral as well as physical. It makes you appreciate what that person says and does and the way they look and smell and feel and everything about them makes you want more. When it's between friends it's almost the same without the sex part. I have had chemistry with a new friend and just felt like we must have been friends for a long, long time because things felt good and right and, well... easy. I've even felt it with a dog (don't laugh). You pick the right dog and you just know it's the right one for you and immediately there is a connection of souls. You feel right together. I guess it doesn't matter the sex or the species, chemistry is the attraction that pulls one to another.

Well said.


Same with Kitties. Me and Mikey, we just sort of know what the other is thinking.

What does chemistry mean? I believe that is a question for Walter White.:):)

Gracie, tell Mickey no disrespect meant for the Kitties. I love them all. It just didn't fall under my radar this time. Sorry.

Some years ago, Alan Alda used to make a TV program for PBS (I think), it was sort of scientific in nature, and one week they did a program on chemistry. It would seem that chemistry is basically how you and someone else smells. Yes really. They did an experiment with dirty laundry, and all of the people involved could pick out their partners dirty undershirts, but the wrong undershirt was repulsive to them.

If you have ever danced with someone who is not "yours" you will know exactly what this means.

Anyway, it all came down to the basic animal instinct - fortunately we don't have to go around smelling people's rear ends to know if we were meant to be together!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sometimes I don't just LIKE people on this forum, I LOVE them. Only seniors would have the confidence to say stuff like we do.

LOL! I saw that program about huffing t-shirts. The research showed that men with a similar immune profile were not as attractive as those with a different immune system from the female.

Its meaning is how it is most commonly used, right? If so, I think it means some level of a romantic and sexual feeling and attraction. As such, it need not occur immediately, but could develope as a friendship turns into romance, as sometimes happens. The strongest chemistry is probably love at first sight in which an hour after meeting the two find themselves having sex, and planning, or at least wanting, to be together for the foreseeable future. It occurs to me that that particular chemistry becomes less likely as we get older. But I would not want to rule it out.

Chemistry is feeling that you are in sync, with another persons thoughts, feelings, and viewpoints. I think it runs on an unconcious level, and you just feel it, when it happens. Only time will tell if this feeling lasts, as it's more important to me that two people have the same point of view on important issues like communication, expressing themselves on a meaningful level, and most important, are they good in their heart and intentions to the world at large.

I have several close friends that I know in my heart, would never do anything to hurt me, and only want to help me in times when help is needed, and vica versa. I would drop everything and run for them, for anything, that is needed, at a moments notice. This is what close relationships should be about.
They are family to me.

When starting a relationship, one would do well to become friends with that special person instead of rushing to become intimate. If one becomes intimate instantly, if the relationship falls apart, then you don't have a friendship.

Chemistry is somthing that is there, or not there. You instantly will know when it's happening.

BTW - Rodney Dangerfield used to comment that sex, should be like two dogs, One sniff, and "she's for me. :jester:

that is a very complex issue...of all the nice men i have met in The villages, i have met only one who makes my heart pitter patter every time i see him, but he does not know i am alive! i guess i have "chemistry" but he doesn't. but i do agree that although that wonderful feeling is not always enough to make a happy relationship, i would never be able to have one without it. i think that is the feeling remembered throughout the bad times which helps couples withstand the storms of arguments, sickness, financial woes, etc. it is a wonderful spiritual connection which we cannot understand nor can we deny!

“but he does not know i am alive!” I would suggest you concentrate on enhancing your communication efforts with this guy. What if he is thinking, boy she is nice, I like her but why waste my time she would never go for a guy like me.

Pheromones play a major roll in sexual selection. They kick start an initial attraction and in some cases serve to keep a couple together long enough to allow a more permanent bond to develop.

Over the last 20 years or so of being single again I must have read about 50 books on this topic and own at least 20. It is all very complex. What I have found is that in my life whenever I run into old girlfriends or a woman I had a crush on in the past (especially if she gives me a hug - translation - we each inhale the other's pheromones), I feel the identical feelings I felt even 50 year ago and I sense they do, too. This I find quite remarkable. Although attraction exists in each case, it is a bit different in each case. I cannot explain it but I feel it.

This article references the interesting sweaty T Shirt study mentioned above. http://beheco.oxfordjournals.org/content/14/5/668.full

what you said Man, is the closest to what it means to me. Now what kind of system is that? You smell right....?
this could explain my entire history of relationships.
That said, my cat loves to sniff my armpit or anybody's shoes and my dog wants us to breathe noses together. There must be something to it.

This is a great discussion that I am familiar with having worked 14 years in a Singles program in CT. From my experience and books read, we are geared for mating at all ages. At a party, at the squares, City Fire we scan the room in seconds looking for someone that peaks our interest. We already have a grading system in our brains stored and working unconsciously at all times. A person with a specific curve or prominent check bone, nose shape, and other facial specifics and reactions that fit our grading system is found within those seconds.

We all have different pheromones. When we manage to get close (real close, like a hug) to the individual, if both are attracted to the other's pheromones, we have what we call chemistry. Fill in 2B's great response at this point.

The relationship with chemistry goes quickly and can advance to sex within a few dates. Some folks, me included, feel that the relationship may be at risk unless the individuals take time and focus on developing the other necessary aspects such as friendship, emotional intimacy, communication, etc.

If only one person reacts to the pheromones, he or she becomes the pursuer, sometimes a lonely and frustrating role.

My personal opinion is that folks our age have a better handle on entering a relationship chemically loaded or not. We are better equipped to developing the friendship, communications, and emotional intimacy need to sustain the relationship. Manaboutown also hits the nail in the head in his response. Once that attraction is there, it is difficult to feel anything but wanting for that person. The chemistry usually lasts months but can peak and wane over the lifetimes of the individuals. Since the chemistry in the body does not change that significantly, the wanting can last a lifetime. This does not prohibit that individual from entering into another relationship with the same power of chemistry. Chemistry is not a necessary requirement to have a very close relationship. Those who have experienced mutual chemistry will argue with that opinion.

Perhaps a future discussion can follow up on "elderly romance and the role of chemistry no chemistry."

Because of the interest and significant knowledge in the responses, I would be willing to lead a live group similar to my experience in CT. It could help all of us understand the unconscious part of us as well as those important things that we can control in a relationship.

Tom, kudos for proposing a forum for discussion. I love it. If you have no place in mind for a singles forum, my home is ready. and I could be first to say please don't give me t-groups and kumbaya. Most people who know me know I can shock you silly with one comment.

What is a T-group? Kumbaya group never. Not in my idealogy.

I did not know what a T group was either so I looked it up. T-groups - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

As for Kumbaya...http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kumbaya

t-groups were rage in early 70's. I was in Rogerian therapy class and had to spend hours with the class at the prof's home finding my inner group hug or something like that, after which the prof walked me to my car and tried to kiss me. sheesh.

I see a "Chemistry" group as helping attendees understand chemistry generally as well as exploring past relationships where chemistry played a role. It would not be therapy although some may take place among the members of the group (not a bad thing and will be group leader controlled as much as possible). Within each individual, self therapy may take place and would be a major benefit to that individual.

I think the reason "chemistry" is so difficult to define is because it's something that happens on a subconscious level of awareness. For example, sometimes you might know that you like someone but you may not know exactly why. And you might end up liking someone that you think you shouldn't like.

For young people the chemistry might be an animal attraction with the goal of raising a family. Whereas with the elderly, who are very advanced in age, it may sometimes be known as "senile love". :icon_wink:

You were doin' great there kid, until the last two words.;)


I know, you are probably right, but there have been some pretty wonderful couples "happen" among our more senior residents.

A lady friend of mine manages a rest home in Southeast Florida. She tells me that the sexual chemistry urge in elderly men is the last thing to go!

I once worked in a nursing home where Mr. Richter sat staring mindlessly into space day after day. I heard a gale of laughter at the nurses' station and learned that the cause of the laughter was that Mr. Richter had fondled a nurse's derrier!

This is precisely the kind of behavior my friend was mentioning to me. She laughed about it, too. Some of these guys are well into their nineties and in wheelchairs but reach out when the female nurses and attendants walk by. Also, bathing them can be an issue.

To me it is a simple question with a simple answer.

It is the feeling that you want to spend time with that person above anyone else.

In other words, it is when you wake up in the morning in each others arms and your first thought is what can we do together today.

It is sad when you really click with someone of the same sex (just as a friend, NOT sexual) and they don't seem to click with you. I am finding that 'group clicks' form in TV, and sometimes they don't want to let another person in that group. They are very friendly when you are alone with them, but when their 'group' is around, they don't have the time of day for you (sort of like 7th grade). I never expected this to happen at our age. Oh well, such is life. I personally think you can never have too many friends.

And then there's the problem of "too much chemistry"! That's when you marry someone with no values, goals or interests in common. And end up saying: "What was I thinking?"

i don't agree with the pheromones theory alone.....when i first laid eyes on my future husband across a huge room, i was too far away to smell him but i knew immediately that he was for me! and he felt the same way. we were married within six months. i think it is some sort of spiritual recognition as well as the physical attraction. the pheromones are merely a survival mechanism to make healthier offspring. but real chemistry is much more than that.

And "your song" then was "Some Enchanted Evening", right?

Cha is correct about the visual and spiritual side of things. Usually my interest in a woman commences when I notice her, even across a room. Then, when I talk to her it either develops or ebbs. I recall situations where I was very attracted to the appearance of a woman but when she opened her mouth and started to talk I immediately lost that initial interest. Other times I found a woman's physical appearance moderately attractive, not striking, yet after she and I engaged in conversation strong mutual attraction developed. I won't bore anyone with the stories.

Ladies and Gents:

Please let me know privately or on this site if you are interested in a one-time meeting with a group decision to opt for more meetings. Also, please provide one or two sentences of what you would like to get from the group. I will facilitate. I have years of experience in similar groups. I have a degree in Marriage and Family Therapy (MFT). We should aim for a least 12 people.

Tom

What does "chemistry mean"?

Well I can't define it but I can describe it.

Just view a Pepe Le Pew cartoon that's chemistry

Chemistry?

It's passion. It's when you touch the other person and the hair on the back of your neck stands up. The scent is incredible. Your toes curl.

Whatever chemistry is, I wouldn't mind coming down with it. It's a great feeling, especially if it's a two-way connection.

Katie

Mr. Kris describes well what has always tripped me up. And more conversations with friends indicate that some of us are more sensible and some of us are more sensual. I've always gone for a looks, taste, touch, scent...walked by a guy tonight in a leather coat....mmmm, smells good. I kept walking. Am trying to learn to be sensible about a mate while there is still time.

Tom, I'm in. I know that with your expertise and research I will learn something I did not know about how we choose each other for mates. A lifetime of marginal choices later, I'm listening...
Kitty

Looks like I’ll be bringing my leather coat with me in April.

I’ve tried to ignore the passion, but the “old guy” kept on sneaking his way in anyway. Katie’s got it right. It has to be a two-way connection. And then both have to work at keeping the flames burning. Unfortunately it doesn’t always work. And I am not in a position to give anyone else advise. I have to work on myself and my own “future” relationships. We’ll see how that goes.

I look forward to seeing everyone in April. You’ll recognize me. I’ll be the guy standing on the corner in a leather jacket, and shorts.