Famous quotes and humourous exchanges
 

"Intelligence is no guarantee against being dead wrong."
- Carl Sagan

And an exchange between Lady Nancy Astor and Winston Churchill.

Lady Nancy Astor: "Winston, if you were my husband, I'd poison your tea."

Winston Churchill: "Nancy, if I were your husband, I'd drink it."

You f’ed up, you trusted us. John Belushi, Animal House.

One of my all time favorites!

"Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor?"

While digging through the deep pile of horse manure: “There must be a pony in here somewhere!”

In 1988, Lloyd Bentsen to Dan Quayle:

"You're no Jack Kennedy."

And a couple of Dean Wormer quotes.

"Fat, dumb and stupid is no way to go through life, son."

"As of this moment, they're on double secret probation!"

Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you. :)

The 20+ Best It Happened One Night Quotes

Some of these are very funny.

“The future ain't what it used to be.”
― Yogi Berra

What a husband said about his wife:

"She always let's me have her way."

When Harry Met Sally - I'll have what she's having - YouTube

Think you will remember what came before this. I do not want to cause a ruckus in some households with wives and/or husbands wondering what is going on in the other room when Sally really gets into it at the restaurant with no involvement from Harry.

On his tombstone. "I told you I was ill"
Spike Milligan. Comedian and Hypocondriac.
Died aged 84.

I do believe it was Otter (Tim Matheson) who spoke that line... ;)

When you come to a fork in the road take it.

Yogi Berra

It takes a lot of balls to play golf like this.
 

....As seen just recently on a Villages' golf cart.

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain

“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.”
― Albert Einstein

"Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things." -- George Carlin

Not a Yankee fan, but gotta love Yogi. A
A couple more Yogiisms:

It gets late out awful early.

Nobody goes there anymore, its too crowded.

Homer Simpson getting a golf lesson on hitting from a bunker. Just open the face of your club, use a sand wedge. Ummmmmmm, open face club sandwich.

SenatorJohn Kennedy Louisiana:
~”Always follow your heart........but take your brains with you”
~”You can only be young once, but you can always be immature”
~”Just because you can sing doesn’t mean you SHOULD”

My favorite! “We have to pass it to see what’s in it!”

Yogi
 

It ain't over till it's over.
When you come to a fork in the road, take it.
Baseball is 90% mental, the other half is physical.

If I didn’t know now, what I didn’t know then. ������.

Toby Keith

"If the phone doesn't ring - it's me."

- Jimmy Buffett

W c fields
 

I would never be a member of a club that would have me .

"You will never reach your destination if you stop and throw stones at every dog that barks." ~ Winston Churchill

"If you're not a liberal at twenty you have no heart, if you're not a conservative at forty, you have no brain." ~ Winston Churchill

"There is nothing government can give you that it hasn't taken from you in the first place." ~ Winston Churhill


"I'd rather argue against a hundred idiots, than have one agree with me." ~ Winston Churchill

I can’t swear Churchill said them all, but even if he didn't say them, I still like them.

Reagan
 

"I will not make age an issue of this campaign. I am not going to exploit, for political purposes, my opponent's youth and inexperience," Ronald Reagan quipped during the 1984 presidential debates when asked if, at 73, he is too old to be President.

More from Yogi...

"We may be lost, but we're making good time."

Two major quotes that have guided me through life:


"No problem is so big or so complicated that it can't be run away from!"

Linus (Peanuts)

"I've developed a new philosophy...I only dread one day at a time."

Charlie Brown

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

WC Fields a lifetime Athiest was sitting on his porch reading The Bible when one of his neighbors strolled by and asked him why in the World would he ever be reading the Bible? His response; "looking for loopholes"

"I thought I was right once, but I was wrong once again."

- Most Husbands

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial - it went like this:
Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.

Q. Officer, who provided this description?
A. The officer who responded to the scene.

Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A. Yes sir, with my life.

Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer - do you have a locker room in the police station - a room where you change your clothes in preparation for you daily duties?
A. Yes sir, we do.

Q. And do you have a locker in that room?
A. Yes sir, I do.

Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?
A. Yes sir.

Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?
A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
"Are you a lawyer?"
"Yes."
"How much do you charge?"
"A hundred dollars for four questions. "
"Isn't that awfully expensive? "
"Yes. What's your fourth question?"
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand.
"If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
COURT REPORTING These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place:
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

And my favorite one:
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law so

I cook with wine, sometimes I even put it in the food. W.C. Fields

When asked which super bowl victory is his favorite, Tom Brady smiles and says, the next one.

The sun never sets on the british empire
 

patrick henry's ultimatum to britannia 👑 . " give me liberty,
or
give me death"

"There goes the neighborhood"

Inscription on Rodney Dangerfield's tombstone.

Rodney Dangerfield at the doctor's office-

Rodney - "Doc, I feel terrible, do you want me to remove my clothes so you can examine me?"

Doc - "What, you want me to get sick too!?"

The Truth About the Meaning of Doc Holliday's Line I'm Your Huckleberry

Not actually a funny line but quite memorable.