Celibate Seniors?
 

i hope i am not laughed off the forum but it has occurred to me that our generation is pioneering dating for seniors....i cannot imagine anyone in my parents' generation out dancing, flirting and dating at our age! therefore, we are mostly reverting to our prior dating experiences, of the high school variety. this cannot be healthy, either mentally, emotionally or physically, for everyone. for me personally, i have found that i am unhappy when i am not living my ideals and my faith. i wonder if there are enough other people out there who feel as i do that it might be possible to form a singles support group for those who want to remain celibate until marriage. we all want the company of the opposite sex, but we do not necessarily welcome the pressures to become involved sexually with acquaintances after only a few dates! at that rate, we would become a community of promiscuity, disease, and lack of self-respect. the singles community is really rather small here, and we tend to see the same people in the same circles, and gossip abounds. so as we encourage our teens to wait for marriage, perhaps we should consider that this path might also bring us more happiness than we are now experiencing...anyone want to discuss this?

Good for you Cha3 for stating your thoughts on this subject. Happiness, according to Merriam-Webster, "a state of well-being and contentment". If you find your happiness in celibacy, along with other joys of life, there is no reason for you to fear being "laughed off the forum" as you state. I'm sure that there are many singles within our community who welcome your words of wisdom. I suppose, too, that there are many singles who are quite happy traveling along a different chosen path.
His Holiness, The Dali Lama, offers "Happiness is determined more by the state of one's mind than by one's external conditions, circumstances or events". There's a lot of truth in that fun song "Don't Worry - Be Happy". So, be true to yourself Cha3. I know that your faith is your foundation.

Bravo! Cha Cha Cha. I am a recent widow (5 months). My faith is getting we through this rough time. I am doing what everyone says is best, going out and trying to start a new life. But I am still only going through the motions. I miss my husband terribly. But I am with you sister. When the time is right for me, I would welcome a support group for those who want to remain celibate until marriage. I so miss the intelligent dialogue that my husband and I shared. I miss his companionship and the intimacy that we shared. I will also miss the wonderful conversations with the men and women who were in our social group. I have met some widows who I know feel the same way as you and I. Count me in.

Maureen

I am anticipating moving to the Villages. I am happy to see that you are approaching this topic. It is very real.

Well I give you a male's point of view. My wife met and I have been together since high school freshman. We are away celebrating our 50th anniversary. It has saddened me to see the emphasis and mis-interpetation younger generations have concerning love vis a vis sex. Look at the so called love stories or romantic comedies coming out of Hollywood today. they are vulgar demeaning and can only result in unhappiness....but sex sells

Like many of our generation my wife and I remained celibate until our honeymoon. It has paid off in dividends because in those five years before we married we built a sound relationship that has carried us through the ups and downs of marriage.

It also is sad to see all the emphasis on sex for seniors the viagra commericals, the sex specilaists, etc. Sex is nice but it is only one aspect of a relationship and not as important as championship, friendship and respect for one another

Any creature can have multiple sex partners and/ or encounters but a true great lover is one who can meet the many needs of his/her spouse their entire lives.

I appreciate your courage (to speak up), values and faith! Is there a church singles group at your church? Have you thought about starting one there? You may have a better chance of meeting someone who shares your values and faith if you can find a group connected to a church.

good for you ChaChaCha,
 

I respect you /ChaChaCha. Although I am not in your situation I am so glad you brought his up. Hope you find like minded people to hang with.

chachacha -- I'm just a wannabee, but your idea is an excellent one. I bet you could get a group of like minded singles together, and if I was a TV resident, I would definitely be interested in joining. :thumbup:

Nice idea. I have similar sentiments but think that you also need emotional/physical compatibility to make a marriage work. That's why I need a test drive so to speak when in a serious relationship if I am going to a more serious level.

In other words, the physical side of a marriage is almost as important to me as the mental/emotional connection.

Maybe, that's a generational thing??

http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/R...atibility.html

happy to see responses
 

i am gratified to see so many responses and i hope they continue to roll in...this is a topic which affects both sexes and all ages....congrats, rubicon, on fifty years of being a great lover :) i admire all who achieve that distinction. keep the conversation going, everyone!

Great post Chachacha!! Also, Rubicon your response was stellar!! Congrats on 50 years of marriage and happiness!!! In today's world that doesn't happen often with the divorce rate so high!!!

People just think they need to do a "test run" and because of that...they are missing out on what God would truly bless them with. Our society tells a different story but it's not necessarily what's good and right.

Welcome to the forum
 

I, too, applaud you on your values and morals. This day and age both are tossed aside and sex is just another casual motion. I wish we could turn back time when being a virgin when you got married was the norm. What fun would that be?? Welcome to the forum and thanks for an eye opening post!

I do not see it as a casual motion. I went to Brigham Young U in Provo, Utah (their law school on a Merit Scholarship) for about ten days and pre-marital sex is not part of the Mormon religion. It was also against the Moral Code of the school which you were supposed to adhere to or get reprimanded. http://www.slate.com/articles/news_a...ex_at_byu.html

I dropped out after ten days because a Mormon beauty already had me in her sights only probably because I was unmarried and going to BYU Law School. I did not think I could adhere to their Moral Code while also staying a non-Mormon. There was also quite a bit of peer pressure just in those ten days to convert to Mormonism. My on campus BYU roommate was a very recent convert from Puerto Rico who also wanted me to follow in his footsteps. Kind of hard to study law when all of this other stuff is going on too. I needed BYU's permission on where I could live while going to their law school.

Amusingly, most of the men at BYU Law School were married and a little older than me because of their Mormon missionary requirement. The very few women at BYU Law School were also for the most part married. This was in 1982.

It should be really interesting if a Mormon takes over the White House in January 2013. We should all be learning quite a bit more about the intricacies of that religion if that actually happens.

to Happinow
 

i had to laugh cause Cha Cha Cha is not new to the forum....she's been here a long time ;) Just thought you would want to know

I hate to say this, but I read somewhere recently that The Villages has the highest rate of STDs of any community in the country. I think we're already there.

Way to go all. Big 2 thumbs up to Rubicon too!

This was debunked a long time ago unless these are new stats. MORE FICTION THAN FACT | Ocala.com


This was irresponsible journalism. The original report was based just on what one doctor said to a local news station.

It is, unfortunately, still all over the Web though like a lot of other junk.

latest story...
 

the latest story i heard on this subject (std's) is that a certain gentleman awoke one morning to find that a lady had painted in large red letters on his garage door that he had given her herpes....this must be a serious consideration to all who might want to get sexually involved anywhere! but i don't think celibacy should be elected out of fear, but rather out of love for one's self and one's standards.

For my own reasons, I quit dating a long time ago but always had close male friends (always was more a guy than a gal in my thinking). Sadly, I miss my male buds in California. I've made several female friends but only one male friend. Here, if the guy is single, he seems to think that a friendship includes bedroom activities and he is entitled to it. Um, no! If he's married, his wife seems to have issues with his having a female friend or he's out to cheat. Again, no.

I will admit that being celibate for moral reasons never really entered into my mind set. If I choose to have sex with someone, being married to him is irrelevant. What is relevant is my feeling towards him and his towards me. Love, respect, trust have to be there first. Physical intimacy has to be based on those things. Anything less and I'm scrubbing my skin raw as soon as I can get away from the guy. You can't get that in a few dates. It takes time and work.

So, good luck on finding a guy here who doesn't feel he is entitled to more than you're willing to give. I know they're out there -- I've even met a couple of them. Stay true to yourself.

GREAT POST with courage,,, and others also, U are not alone!!
 

you must know your post was wonderful,, i got to tell you i post some knucklehead posts with a smile on my face,, however I share your thoughts 100% ,, I am happily married for 35 yr last month.. my wife is my queen of my double wide!! I say this as to clarify where I come from with my comments... Please know there are MANY single men out there who share your thoughts... I will acknowledge there are many who are not,,,, Your post has drawn out some folks who I am sure dont post much here.. and you helped them step forward to show the courage to step up and open up a bit! good job,, take this ball and run with it,, i am sure there are many folks out there who agree with you!

when we first started talking to friends about moving to Florida, possibly the villages one of the first things we heard was "The Villages has the highest rate of STD's in the country."

Recently DH was quite sick (luckily recovered) and one day it crossed my mind, "what would I do without my husband of almost 40 years?" Another man in any capacity in my life did not even cross my mind. I think that there are many women and men who are very independent and who might eventually get involved again after the end of their marriage, perhaps even sexually but it certainly isn't foremost in their mind. And many many who respect their spouses too much to even think of another sexual partner.

Just my two cents after observing lots of long term married couples.

Married my high school sweetheart so no current experience ;)

In reading this thread the one comment that stands out is "test drive",

women R not cars to be tested or used.

Can't believe that comment, ladies how do you feel about that?

to create quilts
 

thank you for your lovely post...i understand your perspective very well because at the time of my husband's death in 1995 i could not fathom ever being in love again...but i was only 51 and seven years later, i did fall in love again and stayed in that relationship until his death almost three years ago, albeit with ups and downs. i find that men especially who were happily married feel such a loss that they want to immediately jump into another relationship. men who have been divorced don't even want to consider another marriage, so between the two, it is difficult to find another healthy relationship! i hope your husband lives a long time and that you will never have to deal with these issues. you are blessed!

Read the whole post and do not take it out of context. I only used that phrase about someone already in a serious platonic relationship who is thinking about getting married. "Test drive" was used only in jest as a quick way of getting the point across. I meant no disrespect to the ladies and I could also be gay. My point was that there may not be an emotional/physical connection between life long mates that could lead to problems, like an affair if there is no physical attraction there. There should be some real intimacy before marriage to see if a couple actually have the physical connection. http://nzungseraphine.hubpages.com/h...-Compatibility

Chacha,
Good for you for having the courage to broach this subject. We as a generation were called the free love generation. Some of what our generation did was not healthy, but at least they still kept love in it. Many people today forget that sex is supposed to be about love. Very few people fall in love on their first date.
I have a very good friend here who does not "put out" and she has managed to meet a very nice gentleman who respects her wishes. They are so cute together and I believe that they are both enjoying their relationship.
Keep honest to your beliefs. You are so attractive and such a fyn person many men would be happy to just have a platonic relationship with you I am sure.

Agree with all of the above. I have been wondering if I was alone in thinking that there is way too much emphasis placed on sex and NOT enough on the things that make life worth living

or

men R not cars to be tested or used.

Can't believe that comment, men how do you feel about that?

I actually moved in with a female law student back while still working at the U of MN Law Library in Minneapolis, MN. I got the distinct impression that I was the one on the trial run. She liked small towns though while I liked bigger cities like Minneapolis and San Francisco.

My story is on page 1 of this thread. Like many here have moved around the country. At each new office I had the most attractive women hitting on me (not bragging here). I made certain that I did not hurt anyone's feelings because of office politics. My focus was on my career and being the celebrated don juan was a buzzkill My belief in being celibate before marriage and faithful following was not born out of religion, morality, etc but simply based on "a promise" and the fact that respect is paramount. Respect is very very fragile and so when someone says " will you respect me in the morning" the answer is verbally always is going to be "yes". However relisticallythe questions of doubts remain just below the surface ready to strike. I sum up my marriage as saying the three most important people in my life are my wife, my son and my daughter...than me

As to this physical attraction/chemistry
we knew it when we met in high school continued before we were married and after. And when the proper time came to consummate neither of us had any trouble figuring out what to do.

We are not one of these couples who has ever said it was good for me was it good for you. We viewed it as an extension of our love and hence it was always good. Pretty simple huh?

The shades of Grey type authors gotten think this guy is soooo one dimensional but the fact is you can't stay married 50 years and be with the same person 55 years without having some type of draw.

Finaly let me say with all the sincereity I can muster that I feel so badly for these young people that cannot keep separate pure love and sex. Because pure love is not conditional anything less than that is not love and much of it is lust

Good for you. Think that these strong long-term marriages from people who grew up when a different set of morals were standard though are becoming rarer because of the bombardment of hedonism from Hollywood movies, TV shows, books, news programs, and the like.

Some of the shows that TOTVers watched when they were growing up and even much later did not even allow married couples to be seen on the same bed like with Dick Van Dyke and his show. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dick_Van_Dyke

Rubicon, Congratulations on your 50 years of marriage and thank you for sharing! You are both blessed. Enjoy your celebration and your wonderful marriage for years to come.

Tal: I agree... Morals are not something that go out of style. My parents generation made it clear and simple . when you see those aing excuses and/or give you their sliding scale view of what is moral watch out. Its why people with whom we have placed trust have failed us, in congress, our churches, our corporations, investments, etc Doing the right thing when no one is watching pretty much sums up ethics and morals. In my business life I was a CPCU and CLU and business ethics were central to those two societies and that was to the betterment of policyholders. I feel very deeply aboutthis subject

Lets not forget at this same time another sub-culture was very active, known as the beginning of the hippie generation. Many people were pulled in different directions.

a confluence of temptations
 

yes, certainly the hippie "degeneration", the lure of "free love", widespread availability of contraception and legalization of abortion were all factors in tempting our generation onto paths which now in our older, wiser years, we may be able to look back on and see more clearly. the purpose of starting the conversation is to give moral support to those of us who want to live an improved life. these same societal changes have wrought many unwelcome results in the life of our nation, as well....we can only begin by changing ourselves...or at least holding onto our values and beliefs, and trying to live them. i so admire the few, like rubicon, who never fell prey to false idols. at our age now as singles, the false idols are appealing to our natural yearning for love and companionship, and we hopefully have acquired enough wisdom to discern them.

That is admirable. Also admire people like Olympic hurdler Lolo Jones who wants to remain a virgin until her wedding night. It seems like a personal decision too on her part and not something bracketed onto her by peer pressures from her religion. That takes more strength in IMHO. She is not part of the Mormon or some other religion which dictates no premarital sex.

According to the Dummy's series of books for "Dating for Dummies".

The problem with relationships's is that people become lovers before they become friends. When the physical side disapates, there is no relationship because they never became friends.

Probably easier said than done as we singles must be careful in affairs of the heart.

Cha3 I'm wondering if, by your quote above, you imply that anyone who has a loving, intimate relationship while still Single is a "false idol" or whose partner is a "false idol". What or whom is the "false idol" of which you mention? Is the act of love-making without benefit of marriage the "false idol"? Or, are the participants "false idol"(s)? Being celibate for you is a choice which is honorable in your eyes. Can you afford those Single Seniors who are intimate the same benefit or do you view their activity as dishonorable? I can't help but note your recent post in which you state "societal changes have wrought many unwelcome results in the life of our nation". Since it's within the context of this thread, I wonder if you mean that Seniors finding a loving partner at the sunset of their lives, while remaining Single, can somehow harm the nation. If you're happy in the life you have chosen, great! I also think it's great when a widow and a widower find each other, or a never-been-married finds a soul-mate, or a divorced one finds contentment and learns to love, again.

single male
 

I do not take any sexual relatiionship lightly...I also don't believe the government or the church has any say in my personal life, to condone my behaviour or not..I do not judge others for their beliefs nor do I expect them to judge me for mine...I like the previous post that says before you can become a good lover you have to become a good friend...that is where the true relationship begins..

Also you can have MANY good friends without sex but very few sexual "relationships" without them being good friends..JMHO and not to preach my beliefs to anyone...

I'm so tired of hearing people repeat that crap about the villages std rates without any knowledge, other than I read it SOMEWHERE...Perhaps a quick look at the sumter county health dept website will clear this misinformation up for you and give you peace of mind...It really has placed a nationwide stigma on the singles in the villages and it is totally unwarranted and uncalled for...

to tkret
 

no, i am not trying to judge anyone by any means, just speaking for what makes me happiest in my own life...by "false idols" i mean the temptation to become involved sexually hoping to find that companionship and love before a true commitment has been established...this usually leads to someone getting hurt. i admire young people like tim tebow and the young lady mentioned, who are making wise decisions...whether it is from religion or not, the result is still good. religion is not a set of rules to make us miserable, but rather a set of guidelines to keep us in the happiness God wants for us. not everyone seems to need religious faith, but i find it indispensable. if left to my own devices i would really screw up!! :)

I echo my sincere good wishes, Rubicon. What joy it is on the first try to find a friend, a lover, a wonderful partner for life.

Hugs to you both and fifty more please.