July Chuckles
 

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Re: July Chuckles
 

No end to blonde jokes...

The pharmacist walks into the store to find a guy leaning heavily
against a wall. He asks the blonde clerk "What's with that guy over
there by the wall?"

The blonde clerk responds: "Well, he came in here this morning to get
something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him
an entire bottle of laxative."

The pharmacist yells: "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a
laxative!"

The blonde clerk responds, "Of course you can! Look at him, he's
afraid to cough.

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Wishful Thinking

One night, after a couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware
that her? husband??? was touching her in a most unusual manner.
He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her
back

He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly.

Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand
over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist.

He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other.

His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs.

His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and
the returned to do the same to her right thigh.

By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to
better position herself.

The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.

"Why are you stopping darling?" she whispered.

He whispered back, "I found the remote."

Re: July Chuckles
 

Life at the THE VILLAGES (from the Mallory Square Social Lite's website)

A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in The Villages, a retirement community . A man walked over and sits down on the other end of the bench. After a few moments, the woman asks, "Are you a stranger here?" He replies, "I lived here years ago." "So, where were you all these years?" "In prison," he says. "Why did they put you in prison?" He looked at her, and very quietly said, "I killed my wife." "Oh!" said the woman. "So you're single..."

Re: July Chuckles
 

THE LAWS OF LIFE

Law of Economics
The amount needed for the present emergency is always in direct proportion to
the amount you had saved for a vacation.

Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.

Law of the Workshop
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Probability
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of the Telephone
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Law of the Alibi
If you tell the bos s you were late for work because you had a flat tire,
the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law
If you change lines (o r traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster
than the one you are in now (works every time).

Law of the Bath
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically
when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Law of the Theater
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

Law of Coffee
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do
something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Rugs/Carpets
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor
covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Location
No matter where you go, there you are.

Law of Logical Argument
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

Brown's Law
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Oliver's Law
A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson 's Law
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
(this one is true every time!)

Doctors' Law
If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you
get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

Re: July Chuckles
 

So nice to see some humor here - Thank you for some great smiles and chuckles, and a few guffaws!

Now here are some more - which may be appropriate for SOME residents, although I realize that MOST of us a young (at heart, at least!):

================================================== ==========================

LOST IN THE DARNDEST PLACES:

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her
car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation
to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake
pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.

The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."

A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She
got in the back seat by mistake."

================================================== =======================

FAMILY

Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night
the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells
to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She
starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?"

The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening
to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get
that forgetful, knock on wood ."

She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

================================================== =======================

"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!" (An old one - maybe they ALL are, and I have just forgotten that I had heard them!)

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine
March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"

"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."

And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."

================================================== =======================

LITTLE LADY:

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.
As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say
"Supersex."

She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at
him, she said, "Supersex."

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered,
"I'll take the soup."

================================================== =======================

OLD FRIENDS:

Now this one is just too Precious...LOL !

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years,
they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their
activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't
get mad at me .. I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't
think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it.
Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared
and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

================================================== =======================

SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I
just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on
Interstate 77 - So please be careful!"

"Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

================================================== =======================

DRIVING

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely
see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an
intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it.
I
could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more
minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again.
Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was
almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that
she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection,
sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned
to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran
through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, crap, am I driving ?"


Hope you enjoyed these as much as I did yours!

Re: July Chuckles
 

KenMac, Thanks for adding to this collection. I leave the serious stuff to other intellects. I've been surprised that no one else, except JohnZ has posted any jokes here. Everyone's sense of humor is different and you always run the risk of offending someone--unintentionally of course. Happy that you enjoyed a few laughs here. Please continue to post jokes as you find them. -George

Mensa is an organization whose members have an IQ of 140
or higher. A few years ago, there was a Mensa Convention
in San Francisco, and several members lunched at a local cafe.

While dining, they discovered that their saltshaker con-
tained pepper and their pepper shaker was full of salt.
How could they swap the contents of the bottles without
spilling, and using only the implements at hand? Clearly
this was a job for Mensa! The group debated and presented
ideas, and finally came up with a brilliant solution in-
volving a napkin, a straw, and an empty saucer. They
called the waitress over to dazzle her with their solution.

"Ma'am," they said, "we couldn't help but notice that the
pepper shaker contains salt and the salt shaker..."

"Oh," the waitress interrupted. "Sorry about that." She
unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched them.

Re: July Chuckles
 

OK - But for others who may be reading this reply, take note that it is rated PG-13 ( you may substitute any words you like where you find a word that offends you.. or just stop reading now). (This one may a little PUNny.)

================================================== ============

______________________________


================================================== =========================

John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several
hundred young layers (hens), called "pullets," and ten roosters, whose
job it was to fertilize the eggs (for you city folks).

The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into
the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he
bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell
had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster
was performing.

Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply
by listening to the bells.
The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, and a very fine specimen he
was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell
hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate. The other roosters were
chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters
coming, would run for cover.

But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so
it couldn't ring. He would sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on
to the next one.

John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County
Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result...The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece
Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: Who else but a
politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted
awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace
and screwing them when they weren't paying attention!

================================================== =========

Luckily, there are no old people in TV, so no one should take exception to the following:





WHEN YOU GET OLD

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?
_________________________________
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.
She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
_______________ ________________
The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.
__________________________________________________ ________
I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees fought prostate cancer and diabetes; I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends but, thank God, I still have my driver's license.
_______________________________
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. By the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
_______________________________
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll b e sure my daughters visit me twice a week "
__________________________________________________ __________
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my
memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
_______________________________
Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
_______________________________
It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.
______________________________
These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."

________________________________
THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
__________________________________________________ ____________
Now, I think you're supposed to share this with 5 or 6, maybe 10 others. Oh heck, give it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are!

And FINALLY!!



A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the
counter and says,

"Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare checks. I'd really rather
have a job."

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent.
We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur
and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive
around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes.

Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected
to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her
sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage.

The starting salary is $90,000 a year."

The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're 'BS-ing' me!"

The Social Worker says, "Yeah, well... You started it."

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**** Will I make it to 80 years of age? *****
====================================

I recently turned 65 and had to choose a new primary care
physician for my Medicare program.

After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said:

“You’re doing ‘fairly well’ for your age.”

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking
him, "Do you think I will live to be 80?"

He asked: “Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?"

"Oh no”, I replied. "I don't do drugs, either."



"Do you have many friends and entertain frequently?"

"I said, "No, I usually stay home and keep to myself".

"Do you eat T-bone steaks and barbecued ribs?"

I said, "No, my other doctor said that all red meat is unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf,
sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"

"No, I don't," I said.

"Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"

"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."

He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a #$%@?”

Re: July Chuckles
 

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living
room and I said to her, "I never want to live in a
vegetative state, dependent on some machine and
fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull
the plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out my beer.

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A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance", says the husband. It is 3 o'clock in the morning. He slams the door and returns to bed.


"Who was that?" asked his wife.


"Just some drunk guy asking for a push!" "Did you help him?" \she asks.

"No. I did not. It is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring rain outside!"

His wife said, "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? You should be ashamed of yourself."

The man gets dressed and goes out into the pouring rain.He calls out into the dark, "Hello. Are you still there?" "Yes", comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband. "Yes, Please" comes the reply from the darkness.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing" replies the drunk. :joke:

Re: July Chuckles
 

For gryoung....a man after my own heart....More Steven Wrightisms

I didn't get a toy train like the other kids.
I got a toy subway instead.
You couldn't see anything,
but every now and then
you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.


I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman,
"Where's the self-help section?"
She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.


There's a pizza place near where I live
that sells only slices. In the back you
can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.

How do you get off of a non-stop flight?

Women should put a picture of their missing husbands on beer cans.

What happens if you put
a slinky on an escalator?

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

Is "tired old cliche" one?

I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was 'woman'.


When I woke up this morning
my girlfriend asked me,
'Did you sleep good?'
I said,
'No, I made a few mistakes.'


How did a fool and his money
get together in the first place?

If a mute kid swears,
should his mother
wash his hands with soap?

When an evil masochist dies does he go to hell,
or would heaven be a better punishment?

What was the best thing
before sliced bread?

Do people in Australia, call the rest
of the world, "Up Over" ?

Was it somebody's cruel idea to
put an "S" in the word "LISP" ?

My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while I'm in the waiting room. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

The sky already fell.
Now what?

SHOULD CREMATORIUMS GIVE DISCOUNTS TO BURN VICTIMS?

If it's zero degrees outside today
and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow,
how cold is it going to be?


If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there,
is he still wrong?

Is it true cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

Right now I'm having amnesia
and deja vu at the same time.
I think I've forgotten this before.

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WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth..
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

Probaly written by a woman...but shared by a man!

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LESSONS FROM NOAH AND HIS ARK

EVERYTHING I NEED TO KNOW, I LEARNED FROM NOAH'S ARK!

1. Don't miss the boat.
2. Remember that we are all in the same boat.
3. Plan ahead; it wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.
4. Stay fit. When you are 60 years old, someone may ask you to do something really
big..
5. Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.
6. Build your future on high ground.
7. For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
8. Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs.
9. When you are stressed,float awhile.
10. Remember--amateurs built the ark; professionals built the Titanic.
11. No matter the storm, when you're at peace with yourself and with God, there is always a rainbow waiting.
Take time in your hectic day to not miss the boat; even better, don’t rock it.

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Wal-Mart Greeting:

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart with her
two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly "Good morning, and welcome to
Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't.
The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think
they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"

"I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am," replied the greeter.

"I just couldn't believe you got laid twice. Have a good day and thank you for
shopping at Wal-Mart."

Re: July Chuckles
 

Stud Rooster

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his
chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,
"OK old fart, time for you to retire."

The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these
chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the
two old hens over in the corner?" The young rooster says, "Beat it: You
are washed up and I am taking over." The old rooster says, "I tell you
what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins
gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop." The young
rooster laughs "You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to
be fair, I will give you a head start."

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young
rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the
farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.

He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The
farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when
he sees the roosters running by. The Old Rooster is squalking and
running as hard as he can. The Farmer grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he
blows the young rooster to bits The farmer sadly shakes his head and
says, "Dammit.....third gay rooster I bought this month."

Moral of this story? ....

Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery will always overcome youth and arrogance!

Re: July Chuckles
 

Breakfast at the White House

Dick Cheney and George W. Bush are having breakfast at the White House.
The >attractive waitress asks Cheney what he would like, and he replies,"I'd
like a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit."

"And what can I get for you, Mr. President?"

George W. looks up from his menu and replies with his trademark wink
and slight grin, "How about a quickie this morning?"

"Why, Mr. President!" the waitress exclaims, "how rude!
You're starting to act like President Clinton," and the waitress
storms away.

Cheney leans over to Bush and whispers...........
"It's pronounced "quiche.'"

Re: July Chuckles
 

Re: July Chuckles
 

Proper Job Placement

Methods from Human Resources...
1. Put 400 bricks in a closed room.
2. Put your new hires in the room and close the door.
3. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours.
4. Then analyze the situation:

a. If they are counting the bricks, put them in the Accounting Department.

b. If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing.

c. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in Engineering.

d. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in Planning.

e. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations.

f. If they are sleeping, put them in Security.

g. If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology.

h. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.

i. If they say they have tried different combinations, they are looking for more, yet not a
brick has been moved, put them in Sales.

j. If they have already left for the day, put them in Management.

k. If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning.

l. If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been moved,
congratulate them and put them in Top Management.

m. Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a way that they can neither be seen nor heard from, put them in Congress.

Re: July Chuckles