Is change good?
 

most of you know that I have identified as a single for most of my life and have had a very happy and fulfilling life here in The Villages. during the past year i have been seeing a very good man, a widower, who wants us to get married...this has caused much anguish and upheaval as well as excitement and anticipation. the thought of changing one's entire lifestyle at this age is daunting. yet the prospect of a good companion during one's last years offers some allure....i thought it might generate some interesting debate among the singles who read this forum as to whether or not they would ever consider marriage again.... i hope someone will start the conversation....

As I see it, Dianne, you are fortunate. My suggestion is you pray about it. The answer will come.

I believe that if the right person came along I would remarry.

Not until he is properly vetted by a committee. You are an amazing girl.

Just kidding of course. We Gantners wish you every happiness. I hope you will not leave us, but sometimes we must follow our hearts.

Why not live together? This will give you both time to adjust to changes in your daily living. One of you could rent out your home during this living together trial period. or you could rent a home together and both of you put your homes up for rent a new place to start your life together. There is no hurry, is there? At least you will be able to adjust from single life and your daily routine, while keeping your finances separate for a bit.

I have a friend in a similar situation. They live about 2 hours away from each other. I'm not sure that they would consider living together before marriage as an option. They are doing just as manabouttown suggested, praying about it, both individually and together.

Chachacha, you are someone who I have admired for all the years I have been on here. I wish you nothing but the very best in your decision. You deserve it.

There is a very well know quote:

"Don't marry the person you think you can live with; marry only the individual you think you can't live without."

I love that!! Among couples I have known quite well over the years, I have not seen a distinct correlation in marriages staying together because they lived together before marriage. Having said that, your quote says it all so beautifully.

Great thought for the OP to consider.

Cha, no where in your post do you say that you want to marry him. You say it causes excitement and anticipation, but no where do you give a reason to marry him. Give this one a whole lot of thought before you jump into a legal situation.

Whatever you decide I wish you happiness. I have followed your posts over the years and have seen you turn the singles scene into a really happy place to be and given many lonely people somewhere to belong.

Great quotation and very true ...........

I was going to say this but also echo the "praying about it " as well. God has said Himself it's not good for man (woman) to be alone. BUT don't do it if it's not a good match and you don't have a peace about it.

If religious beliefs are not a consideration, then I think that marriage is not a good idea for seniors. Too many legal issues. You can live together, be as committed as you want to be, and handle all legal, housing, and financial agreements without getting married.

How and where do you find your sense of self, happiness and fulfillment? That is where you should be.

Wonderful News!
 

Chacha,
:a040: I am so happy for you! Thank you for sharing your personal situation. I would love to know more about your reservations. Please feel free to send me a note. I definitely understand your feelings and would be glad to give you my thoughts.

Starting a conversation with TOTV members may or may not be helpful. But the person with whom you really need to talk is your intended. There are many ramifications to cohabitating as well as marriage.

I have attached a pdf of an extensive “Pre-Marriage Awareness Questionnaire”. While some of the questions may not apply, there are many others that should spark the conversation that you should be having with him.

The questions fall into the categories of Communication, Religion/Spirituality, Cleanliness, Pets, Family/Children/Parenting, Romance/Sex, and Finances

https://www.premarriagequestionnaire...stionnaire.pdf

i love all the comments and please keep them coming...i am not exactly asking for advice, just want to spark a debate on the forum and give food for thought to everyone who reads it....i especially love the quote about marrying the one you can't live without. and i would have to say to the post about where do i feel most alive and myself, is when i am in Italy! :) so that is not likely to happen on a long term basis :) Madelaine Amee you really struck a chord with me, thank you! now let's hear from a few others!

:thumbup:

Thanks Cha. I have been married for many years, but this subject comes up often with my friends who find themselves left alone and lonely, but you have got past the "lonely" stage and, quite honestly, do you want to start living with someone again .... doing their laundry, cooking, cleaning, having to consider someone else's feelings, getting used to living with another human? Difficult situation and I hope I am never faced with it although I know what I would do .... My ideal situation would be to have a female companion who wanted to travel to the same places I did, who could afford to live the way I can and just wanted a warm body in the house to say HI once in a while. Without my husband I could probably be a happy hermit so I may not be the best person to be talking about this subject.

I really hope this post continues, it is interesting to see others views.

Marriage ??
 

[QUOTE=manaboutown;1594559]As I see it, Dianne, you are fortunate. My suggestion is you pray about it.

A comment about this:

Hi, I am a lucky guy since my wife has put up with me for 43 years. I can tell you my thoughts, briefly. It is not a 50/50 relationship. I think it goes like this: 20/80, 30/70, 50/50, 60/40 etc., etc. Get the picture? It is a two way effort and when it is time for your effort, get it out and make it work. It is not always easy. I will also estimate that the woman makes the marriage work, more than a man. Not sure why, just an opinion. Maybe that is why they are mothers? And maybe this? You ALWAYS have to be fair, disagree yes, but be fair. You might just wonder somewhere, where is the fair part right now? Have you ever rowed a boat? Go do it, it will not work to go anywhere if one person only rows one side, that means going in circles. It is not always a smooth road, you may have to develop good shock absorbers and softer springs and then realize, the road is not always what you wanted. Keep in mind, BE FAIR ! Again, I am very lucky and she is a wonderful person, (most of the time).
Good luck to you and yours.
:welcome:

Will you still be able to swing, that's the question.

" the thought of changing one's entire lifestyle at this age is daunting. yet the prospect of a good companion during one's last years offers some allure..."

I guess I don't understand why you can't have the second without the change. Many, many couples in TV are living together or are exclusive with one another without marriage. for many it's a financial thing...marriage would cause a forfeiture of spousal pension or soc. sec. Why does he want marriage. As others have said, at this stage of our lives there could be real consequences of being legally bound to someone where there is a greater chance of illness in our future. Do you each have children? that often adds to the stress of marriages and resentment. So I guess I'm saying do the old pros and cons list. I personally think a committed, exclusive relationship whether you live together or not would be best. I would not give up your house.

I think you and I should divorce our husbands and go traveling together. :a040:

On the other hand, I guess the poison you are used to is better than the poison you haven't tried. LOL.

Maybe not the best advice for ChaChaCha so let's just leave it between us married gals.

Well, a big event has happened for you! I think it is very wise for you to weigh all the issues in such a decision. I'm guessing there are serious doubts as well as positives in this. Personally, to me it seems like you have known this person less than a year and it might be wise to go on as is for a while - as we know, our true selves show up later in relationships. Waiting could also make the issues more clear. I know I am much more into my own freedom of choices later in life than before. I didn't particularly like being married (maybe the wrong man?) but I do love being independent and doing what I want. I am in a relationship again with the man whose house I live in. We have always been connected and came together s a couple after I left TV last year. WE both like being independent and are not interested in the trappings of marriage, especially legally and with family (he has 4 kids, pre-nup and all that)
We are fine with co-habitation and civil union so that serves us well.
However many responses you get, your very own heart will be pulled to do this or not. Which would you regret more, doing it or not doing it? It is a difficult fork in the road...best of luck and I hope to hear how it all turns out and to see you again soon.

I wish you all the best Cha...hope to meet you at the next Meet and Greet as my work schedule has kept me from doing so in the past. I like the quote..'living with someone you can't live without'.. that says it all..not just 'living together'. See you soon....aj

What was the status of your other relationships? Are you always without male companionship? Do you date regularly? Is having a man that important?