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DIVORCE SETTLEMENT
On the first day, he sadly packed his belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, he had the movers come and collect his things. On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; he put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water. When he'd finished, he went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar into the hollow center of the curtain rods. He then cleaned up the kitchen and left. On the fourth day, the wife came back with her new boyfriend, and at first, all was bliss. Then, slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked! People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The* maid quit. Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided they had to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut their price in half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house. Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place. Then the ex called the woman and asked how things were going. She told him the saga of the rotting house. He listened politely and said that he missed his old home terribly and would be willing to reduce his divorce settlement in exchange for having the house. Knowing he could have no idea how bad the smell really was, she agreed on a price that was only 1/10 nth of what the house had been worth ... but only if he would sign the papers that very day. He agreed, and within two hours her lawyers delivered the completed paperwork. A week later the woman and her boyfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home ..and..................just to spite the ex-husband, they even took the curtain rods !!! |
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Some of your posts are downright hilarious! Thanks for the laughs!
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Glad you enjoy them. More to come
Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G890A using Tapatalk |
😉
A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his mission in the jungle, where he has spent years teaching the natives, when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them, was how to speak English. So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree." The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree." The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, "This is a rock." Hearing this, the chief looks and repeats, "Rock." The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about his results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity. The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, "Man riding a bike." The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them both.. The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way? The chief replied, "My bike... :1rotfl::1rotfl::1rotfl::1rotfl::1rotfl::clap2: |
Another good one. NEXT!
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What is Intentional Infliction of Emotional Distress? — South Florida Injury Lawyer Blog — July 21, 2015 |
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.'
So he tied her up and went golfing. |
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?' 'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.' |
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed him a card with the letters
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' 'Can you read this?' the optician asked. 'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.' |
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something.
We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.' 'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonay. |
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
Rumor is that Herman resides in The Villages. |
A priest walked into a barber shop in Washington, D.C. After he got his haircut, he asked how much it would be.
The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the Lord." The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 prayer books and a thank you note from the priest in front of the door. Later that day, a police officer came in and got his hair cut. He then asked how much it was. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the community." The next morning, he came to work and there were a dozen donuts and a thank you note from the police officer. Then, a Democrat Senator came in and got a haircut. When he was done he asked how much it was. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the country." The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 Democrats in front of the door. |
Dear Abby,
My husband has a long record of money problems. He runs up huge credit card bills and at the end of the month, if I try to pay them off, he shouts at me, saying I am stealing his money. He says pay the minimum and let our kids worry about the rest, but already we can hardly keep up with the interest. Also he has been so arrogant and abusive toward our neighbors that most of them no longer speak to us. The few that do are an odd bunch to whom he has been giving a lot of expensive gifts, running up our bills even more. Also, he has gotten religious. One week he hangs out with Catholics and the next with people who say the Pope is the Anti-Christ, and the next he's on his knees 7 times a day with Muslims. Finally, the last straw. He's demanding that before anyone can be in the same room with him, they must sign a loyalty oath. It's just so horribly creepy! Can you help? Signed, Lost ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Dear Lost, Suck it up and stop whining, Michelle. You're getting to live in the White House for free, travel the world, and have others pay for everything for you. You can divorce the jerk any time you want. The rest of us are stuck with the idiot for 3 more years. Signed, Abby |
A surgeon went to check on his patient after an operation.
"You'll be fine," he said. She asked “How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?" The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl. "What's the matter Doctor?* I will be all right, won't I?" He replied “Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out." |
The cranky old woman was arrested for shoplifting at a grocery
store. She gave everyone a hard time, from the store manager to the security guard to the arresting officer who took her away, complaining and criticizing throughout the process. When she appeared before the judge, the judge asked what she had stolen from the store. The lady defiantly replied, "Just a stupid can of peaches." The judge then asked why she had done it. She replied, "I was hungry and forgot to bring any cash to the store." The judge asked how many peaches were in the can. She replied, "Nine, but what do you care about that?" The judge patiently said, "Well, ma'am, because I'm going to give you nine days in jail -- one day for each peach." As the judge was about to drop gavel, the lady's long suffering husband raised his hand and asked if he might speak. The judge said, "Yes, what do you have to add?" The husband said, "Your Honor, she also stole a can of peas." |
Title of thread is Harassment.
The very title of this whole thread is harassment.
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A guy was meeting a friend in a bar, and as he walked in he noticed two pretty girls looking at him.
He heard one girl say to the other; "Nine." Feeling pleased with himself, he swaggered over to his buddy at the bar and told him that the girl in the corner had just rated him a nine out of ten. "Sorry to spoil your evening," said his friend, "but when I walked in they were speaking German". |
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Interesting piece of history!
In 1272, the Arabic Islamic Muslims invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine. In 1873, the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first. |
Wackadoodle was at the bar the other night and overheard three very hefty women talking.
https://czarniklife.files.wordpress....ment-00013.jpg Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so he approached and asked, "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland ?" One of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales , Wales you bloody idiot!" So Wackadoodle apologized and replied, "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland ?" And that's the last thing he remembers. |
A man came home to find his house in flames. In a panic, he rushed to his neighbor's house to use the phone to call 911.
He dialed and the dispatcher quickly answered. "Help!" he said to the dispatcher. "My house is on fire!" "Okay sir, we can help. How do we get there?" the dispather calmly asked. "What? Don't you still have those big red trucks?" |
Ted and his wife were working in their garden one day when Ted looks over at his wife and says: "Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big! I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue."
With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom. "Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!!" The wife chooses to ignore her husband. Later that night in bed, Ted is feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. "What's wrong?" he asks. She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?" |
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In a Detroit church one Sunday morning, a preacher said, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."
With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?" Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing." The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy's ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy's head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed. He prayed a "blue streak" for Leroy, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm. After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?" Leroy answered, "I don't know. It ain't 'til Thursday." |
Suddenly, a cow walks out into the road and a Limo driving late at night hits it head on and the car comes to a stop.
The woman in the back seat - in her usual abrasive manner, says to the chauffeur,"You get out and check on that poor cow--you were driving." So the chauffeur gets out, checks, and reports that the animal is dead but it appeared to be very old. Well, says the woman, "You were driving, so you go and tell the farmer in that lighted farmhouse over there" Two hours later the chauffeur returns totally inebriated, a full belly, is hair ruffled, with a big grin on his face. "My God, What Happened to You?" asks the woman. The chauffeur replies, "When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of single malt scotch, the wife gave me a meal fit for a king, and the daughter made love to me." "What on earth did you say?" asks the woman. Well, I just knocked on the door..........and when it opened I said to them, "I'm Nancy Pelosi's chauffeur, and I've just killed the old cow." |
A guy at a horse race whispers to Paddy next to him,
"Do you want the winner of the next race?" Paddy replies "No tanks, oi've only got a small yard." |
A woman arrived at a party and while scanning
the guests, spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him, smiled and said, “Hello, My name is Carmen.” “That’s a beautiful name,” he replied. “Is it a family name?” “No,” she replied. As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most – cars and men. Therefore, I chose “Carmen. ” What’s your name?” He answered “B.J. Titsengolf.” |
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GUNFIGHTING TIPS…
In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong. Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who in his day had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West. The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition. "Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked. The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man. "Sure will," replied the old-timer. The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player. "That's terrific!" said the hot shot. "Got any more tips for me?" "Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man. "You bet it will," said the old-timer. The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, then shot a cufflink off the piano player. "Wow!" exclaimed the cowboy. "I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?" The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it." The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun. "No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man. The Old Timer said, "No, but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much if it's all greased up." |
A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York City and laid on the back seat.
The cab driver, an old gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the cab. The woman glared back at him and said, "What's wrong with you, honey? Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?" The driver answered, "Let me tell you sumsing, lady. I vasn't staring at you like you tink; det vould not be proper." The drunk woman giggled and responded, "Well, if you're not staring at my boobs or my butt, sweetie, what are you doing then?" He paused a moment, then told her..."Vell, M'am, I am looking and I am looking, and I am tinking to myself, vair da hell is dis lady keeping de money to pay for dis ride?" Now, ------------that's a businessman! |
When Paddy Murphy died, his wife called the newspaper.
She asked"how much does it cost to put in an obituary" " That would be 1 Euro per word, Mary" "Okay, said Mary, put Paddy died" "No Mary, there is a 5 word minimum" "Okay, put Paddy died, Toyota for sale" |
An Irish priest was transferred to Texas ...
Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new west Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station. The conversation went like this: "Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?" "And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann 's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?" Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the foreign accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied, "Well now, Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!" There was dead silence on the line for a long moment....... Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye,'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call. |
My name is mary, and i was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.
I noticed his dds diploma on the wall, which bore his full name. Suddenly, i remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that i had a secret crush on, way back then? Upon seeing him, however, i quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate. After he examined my teeth, i asked him if he had attended morgan park high school 'yes. Yes, i did. I'm a mustang,' he gleamed with pride. 'when did you graduate?' i asked. He answered, 'in 1975. Why do you ask?' 'you were in my class!', i exclaimed. He looked at me closely. Then, that ugly, old, balding, wrinkled faced, fat-assed, gray-haired, decrepit, miserable, son-of-a-bitch asked... "what did you teach" ? |
Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.
The older of the two pulls a small folder out of her handbag and starts flipping through photos. They start reminiscing. ''This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old now.'' ''Yes, I remember him as a baby.'' says the other mother cheerfully. "He's a martyr now though." the mother confides. "Oh, so sad dear...'' says the other. ''And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21.'' ''Oh, I remember him,'' says the other happily, ''he had such curly hair when he was born.'' ''He's a martyr too...'' says the mother quietly. ''Oh, gracious me...'' says the other. ''And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would have been 18'', she whispers. "Yes," says the friend enthusiastically, ''I remember when he first started school...'' ''He's a martyr also,'' says the mother, with tears in her eyes. After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and, searching for the right words, says . . . "They blow up so fast, don't they?" |
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that she had missed Janie. "Janie, do you have a story to share?" "Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.She shot 15 of them with the pistol until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife until the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands." "Good Heavens," said the horrified teacher. "What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this story?" "Stay the hell away from Mommy when she's been drinking." |
Last year I took my grandkids to a county fair. We sat at a picnic table having an ice cream, along with an elderly couple. The gentleman asked Jack " how old are you young man"
Jack replied " I'm 3 1/2, how old are you? The gentleman replied " Well, I'm 62" "Oh", said Jack, "You look a hundred" "Well",said the gentleman, " That's because I didn't eat my vegetables" TRUE STORY |
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