THE 5 ANSWERS YOU HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR


Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, but 'downunder'.


Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear .


Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES ORIGINALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because when they come, they're wet and wild, and when they go, they
take your house and car with them.


Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch...


BONUS QUESTION & ANSWER
Q: What is a man's Ultimate embarrassment?
A: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.

Robert, age 80, always wanted a pair of authentic Texas cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.


Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Noticeanything different about me?" Margaret, age 75, looked him over.
"Nope."

Frustrated, Robert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"

Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, "Robert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be
hanging down again tomorrow."


Furious, Robert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"
"Nope. Not a clue", she replied.

"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!"

Without missing a beat Margaret replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, Robert!
Shoulda bought a hat."

My buddy from Atlanta Georgia swears this works.

Go to Home Depot or Walmart and buy a can of black spray paint.

Stir up each ant mound as you go and the area around them with a stick. The ants will emerge by the hundreds to defend the mounds.

Spray each mound and the surrounding area, making sure you get plenty of paint on the ants as well.

Once the ants realize they live in a black neighborhood, they quit working and start killing each other.

Racist garbage.

You can retire to Phoenix, Arizona where...
1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away from your house because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your hiney from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes form Mexican food.
5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

OR
You can retire to California where...
1.You make over $450,000 a year and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.

OR
You can retire to New York City where...
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan....
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "nature."
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn. (IF you have a car).
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

OR
You can retire to Minnesota where...
1. You only have three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup ...
2.Halloween costumes have to fit over parkas.
3. You have seventeen recipes for casserole.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road repair.
6.The highest level of criticism is "He is different, she is different or It was different!

OR
You can retire to The Deep South where...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin" is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Joe Bob, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
5.Everywhere is either: "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder".

OR
You can retire to Colorado where...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home, so he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

OR
You can retire to the Nebraska where...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is three cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at.

OR
FINALLY You can retire to Florida where...
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent cardiologist, dermatologist, proctologist, podiatrist, or orthopedist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.

A Chinese guy goes into a Jewish-owned establishment to buy black bras, size 38.
The Jewish store keeper, known for his skills as a businessman, says that black bras
are rare and that he is finding it very difficult to buy them from his suppliers.
Therefore he has to charge $50.00 for them.

The Chinese guy buys 25 pairs.

He returns a few days later and this time orders fifty.

The Jewish owner tells him that they have become even harder to get and charges him $60.00 each.

The Chinese guy returns a month later and buys the store's remaining stock of 50, and this time for $75.00 each.
The Jewish owner is somewhat puzzled by the large demand for black size 38 bras and asks the Chinese guy;
"Please tell me - What do you do with all these black bras?"

The Chinese guy answers: "I cut them in half and sell them as skull caps to Jewish men for $200.00 each."

... and this is why the Chinese own us!

Business is Business

Exercise for people over 60


Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5 lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax

Each day you will find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to a 10 lb bag. Then try 50 lb potato bags, and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100 lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I am currently at this level).

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

CONFUCIUS DID NOT SAY....

* Man who wants pretty nurse must be patient.

* Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

* Lady who goes camping with man must beware of evil intent.

* Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.

* Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

* Man who runs in front of car gets tired, but man who runs behind car gets exhausted.

* Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

* War does not determine who is right; it determines who is left.

* Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

* It takes many nails to build a crib, but only one screw to fill it.

* Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

* Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

* Wise man not keep sledge hammer and slow computer in same room.

* Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

* Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

And, CONFUCIUS DID NOT SAY. . . .

"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"

The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.


The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good


for you. Walking is especially beneficial - strengthens the


pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier.


Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay


on a soft surfaces, like a grass path."


"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together.


It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact,


that shared experience would be good for you both."

The room suddenly became very quiet as the men


absorbed this information. After a few moments a man,


name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.

"Yes?" said the Instructor.

"I was just wondering if it would be all right, if she carries


a golf bag?"

Brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?
THIS LEVEL OF SENSITIVITY CAN'T BE TAUGHT.

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new 2017 7 Series BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Apple iphone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany ...

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Apple iPad that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Galaxy S5 and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Congressman from the U.S. Government", says Bud.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required," answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know crap about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter”.

“This is a herd of sheep.”

“Now give me back my dog.”

Yesterday I was at Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Necco, the Wonder Dog, which weighs 191 lbs. I was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant?

So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is, to load your jacket pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me.

At dawn the telephone rings,

"Hello, Señor Roy? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Señor Roy, that your parrot, he is dead".

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"

"Si, Señor, that's the one."

"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"

"From eating the rotten meat, Señor Roy."

"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody, Señor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Señor Roy."

"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"

"Yes, Señor Roy, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Señor."

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house, Señor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."

"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"

"Yes, Señor Roy."

"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Señor Roy."

"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"

"Your wife's, Señor Roy. She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Ping G20 204g titanium head golf club with the TFC 149D graphite shaft."

SILENCE...........

LONG SILENCE.........

VERY LONG SILENCE…………

"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep $hit."

Sort of forgot about this thread...

Wow! 5733 views so far on this MORE INTERESTING thread (15.45 views per post, as compared to say 13.33 in the not as interesting thread).

I appreciate the contributions by others, there is certainly room for some more good jokes...

Fred and Larry got married in California .
* They couldn't afford a honeymoon so, they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's house for their first married night together.
* In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.
* As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Larry are up yet.
* She replies, 'No'.
* Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
* His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think!* Just go to school.'
* Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are Fred and Larry up yet?'
* She replies, 'No.'
* Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'
* His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school '
* After school, Johnny comes home and asks again,
* 'Are Fred and Larry up yet?'
* His mom says, 'No.'
* He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
* His mom replies, 'OK, now tell me what you think.'
* He says: 'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think...... I gave him my airplane glue.'

Alcoholism
 

.
.

"When I was drinking I broke my standards faster than I could lower them." --- Robin Williams

.
.
.
.

FYI, this thread was created to mock a fellow poster. I'm sure you didn't know that.

Jokes
 

Originally Posted by Carl in Tampa

.

"When I was drinking I broke my standards faster than I could lower them." --- Robin Williams


I thought it was about jokes.

When I saw Robin Williams say this on a TV interview I burst out laughing.


Carl in Tampa

.

Hardly a mock. Just to trade laughs.

Funny, but painful

Safeshare.TV - Hitler finds out he can't keep his docto...

Exactly, If you read the OP it is about sharing laughs.

"Most of us have traded insults on this board. I would like to suggest we can trade some laughs too.

If you have a joke to share, please feel free to contribute. If you want to whine, or attack the other posters, please do it in one of the other threads. "

Thanks for contributing Carl.

This is more harassment by dirtbanker and Allegiance against me and my law librarian thread which is about helping survivors/victims of crimes through my international 224 613 Project of 26 years.

You can see the jealousy oozing out of it often from dirtbanker's posts.

You know this kind of harassment and stalking is against the law in Florida. Especially when it is long term and intentional as well as done by many people. Allegiance and dirtbanker are the two worst offenders and breakers of the Criminal Law of Florida.

Why is this in the Political Forum and why not start a thread that is about jokes rather than entitling it like this--
Neither of these people know me-- I mean Allegiance and dirtbanker-- nor any members of my family as far as I know. I find this stalking and cyberbullying deeply offensive and extremely juvenile.

Both of these people should be booted off of TOTV and permanently. Mainly for intentionally and for a long period breaking the law of the State of Florida about online harassment and stalking.

Decent people should not allow this kind of behavior and should complain about it immediately whenever Allegiance and dirtbanker post anything remotely questionable on the Regular Forum. Get them off of here.

The very start of this thread by its Title is an insult. And it is continued harassment by its Title.


The details of this first post in this thread--

That was a funny joke. Good one Tal, buddy.

Harassment continues by Allegiance. I have no idea who this person is. I would file a Criminal Complaint against this person if I had a name, address, phone number, etc. The County is really needed to file a Criminal Complaint.

I know this is giving this troll the attention he craves. He has gone a lot though from being a harmless troll to a long term intentional harasser and stalker.

An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio, Texas leading a tired old mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat.

He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.

As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.
...



The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, can you dance?"

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No son, I don't dance... never really wanted to"

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now!" and started shooting at the old man's feet.

The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet.


Everybody standing around was laughing.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.


The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled 12 gauge shotgun and cocked both hammers.

The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately.

The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly

The silence was deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin 12 gauge barrels.


The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said;


"Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir ... but ... I've always wanted to."

There are a few lessons for all of us here:

* Don't be arrogant.
* Don't waste ammunition.
* Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
* Always make sure you know who is in control.
* And finally, Don't screw around with old folks;
they didn't get old by being stupid.

I just love a story with a happy ending

I will take note of this. Maybe you should go see the Clint Eastwood movie The Unforgiven. Or how about his later Blood Work? Cool movies both.

Very glad you are enjoying a superior thread.

Harassment. Harassment. Harassment.

Excellent work.

Please..I repeat, please do not use the $1 $20 $50 or the $100 bills as they have former slave owners on them! Send them all to me and I will dispose of them properly!! Do not just throw them away.. They need to be disposed of properly and I am a certified money disposer..Rest assured I will properly dispose of all that is sent to me .....

Now, this is funny [emoji847]

Lol


Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G890A using Tapatalk

Very funny, what's sad is there will be protests to change the money....watch.

The phone call
Several men are in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches rings. A man picks it up and the following conversation ensues:
"Hello?"
"Honey, It's me."
"Sugar!"
"Are you at the club?"
"Yes."
"Great! I'm at the mall 2 blocks from where you are. I saw a beautiful mink coat. It is absolutely gorgeous! Can I buy it?"
"What's the price?"
"Only $1,500."
"Well, okay, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much."
"Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2002 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..."
"What price did he quote you?"
"Only $60,000!"
"Okay, but for that price I want it with all the options."
"Great! Before we hang up, something else..."
"What?"
"It might seem like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and...well, I stopped by to see the real estate agent this morning and I saw the house we had looked at last year. It's on sale! Remember? The one with a pool, English garden, acre of park area, beachfront property..."
"How much are they asking?"
"Only $650,000... a magnificent price, and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..."
"Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $620,000, OK?"
"Okay, sweetie. Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!" "Bye."
The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap and asks aloud, "Does anyone know whose phone this is?"

What happened?

The eclipse

Not in the history books. Trump will be seen as the reality star long term con man he is. President Barack Obama was a leader. Trump is a man-child.

A drunk decides to go ice fishing; so he gathers his gear and goes walking around until he finds a big patch of ice. He heads into the center of the ice and begins to saw a hole. All of sudden, a loud booming voice comes out of the sky. "You will find no fish under that ice." The drunk looks around, but sees no one. He starts sawing again. Once more, the voice speaks. "As I said before, there are no fish under the ice." The drunk looks all around, high and low, but can't see a single soul. He picks up the saw and tries one more time to finish. Before he can even start cutting, the huge voice interrupts. "I have warned you three times now. This is not a lake and there are no fish!"

The drunk is now flustered and somewhat scared; so he asks the voice, "How do you know there are no fish? Are you God trying to warn me?"

"No," the voice replied. "I am the manager of this ice hockey rink."

A young ventriloquist is touring Norway and puts on a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting,

"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Norwegian blonde women that way? What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, pathetically all in the name of humor!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells:

"You stay out of this! ... I'm talking to that little **** on your lap"

ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 ---
CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY


A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.
She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at
her. She
immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved
again.. The man seemed
more amused.
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she
complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.




The case came up in court.




The judge asked the man (about 20 years old)
what he had to say for himself.




The man replied, 'Well your Honour, it was like this: when
the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her
condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The
Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said,
'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to
smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said,
'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.
But, Your Honour, when she moved the fourth time
and sat under a sign that said,
'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!'
... I just lost it.'




'CASE DISMISSED!!'