More intersesting than Wackadoodle's library thread

[dirtbanker]

A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day,
he would need his wife to wake him
at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE),
he wrote on a piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00AM.'
He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up,
only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him,
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, 'It is 5:00AM. Wake up.'

[dirtbanker]

A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you !

[dirtbanker]

A man is alone in an airport lounge. A beautiful woman walks in and sit down at the table next to him.

He decides because she's wearing a uniform, she's probably an off-duty flight attendant.

So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.

He leans across to her and says the British Airways motto :

'To Fly. To Serve'?

The woman looks at him blankly

He sits back and thinks up another line. He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto 'Winning the hearts of the world'?

Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.

Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto 'Going beyond expectations'?

The woman looks at him sternly and says
'What the fvck do you want?'

'Aha!' he says, "Qantas".

[dirtbanker]

Children Writing About the Ocean. The next time you take an oceanography course, you will be totally prepared.


1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 6)

2) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)

3) - If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don't have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (Mike, age 7)

4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)

5) - A dolphin breaths through an ******* on the top of its head. (Billy, age 8)

6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)

7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William, age 7)

8) - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen, age 6)

9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6)

10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves in to chargers. Christopher, age 7)

11) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin, age 6)

12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age 8)

13) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her big fat ass. (Julie, age 7)

14) - The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown I don't know. (Bobby, age 6)

15) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean. What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom. (James, age 7)

[dirtbanker]

A Japanese couple is in an argument over ways to experience highly erotic sex.....
Husband says: “Sukita”
Wife replies: “Kowanini”
Husband says: “Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!”
Wife on her knees literally begging: *“Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji!”
Husband replies angrily: “Na miaou kina tim kouji!........”

And YOU just sit there, reading this $hit as if you understood Japanese!

[dirtbanker]

In Texas there is a town called New Braunfels, where there is a large German-speaking population.

One day, a local rancher driving down a country road noticed a man using his hand to drink water from the rancher's stock pond.

The rancher rolled down the window and shouted: "Sehr angenehm! Trink das Wasser nicht. Die kuehe haben darein geschissen."

This means: Glad to meet you! Don't drink the water. The cows have $hit in it."

The man shouted back: "I'm from New York and just down here campaigning for Hillary Clinton. I can't understand you. Please speak in English."

The rancher replied: "Use both hands."

[dirtbanker]

Joe feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.

Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

'Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was In the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.' Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

No response.

So he moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, '"Honey, what's for dinner?'

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his Wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. 'Honey, what's for dinner?'


'For God sake, Joe, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!'

[Taltarzac725]

In Texas there is a town called New Braunfels, where there is a large German-speaking population.

One day, a local rancher driving down a country road noticed a man using his hand to drink water from the rancher's stock pond.

The rancher rolled down the window and shouted: "Sehr angenehm! Trink das Wasser nicht. Die kuehe haben darein geschissen."

This means: Glad to meet you! Don't drink the water. The cows have $hit in it."

The man shouted back: "I'm from New York and just down here campaigning for Hillary Clinton. I can't understand you. Please speak in English."

The rancher replied: "Use both hands."

Sure are a lot of anti-Clinton jokes on this thread. Let's get some anti-Trump on here.

[Taltarzac725]

How is Donald Trump going to shut down the Department of Education? By renaming it Trump University. What did Donald Trump say to the birthday boy? "Let me see your birth certificate". If minorities have the race card and women have the gender card, what do rednecks have? The Trump Card.

Just some of these good jokes about Donald John Trump.

source: Donald Trump President Jokes - Donald Trump Jokes (http://www.jokes4us.com/celebrityjokes/donaldtrumpjokes.html)

[dirtbanker]

ANGLO/SAXON WOMEN:
First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out a bit.
Third date: You get to have sex but only when she wants to and only in the missionary position.


IRISH WOMEN:
First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.


ITALIAN WOMEN:
First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.
Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti & meatballs.
Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3-carat ring.
5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of having sex.
6th Anniversary: You find yourself a Mistress.


CHINESE WOMEN:
First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing happens again.
Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you realize nothing is ever going to happen.


INDIAN WOMEN:
First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night.




MEXICAN WOMEN:
First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on Tequila, and have sex in the back of her car.
Second Date: She's pregnant.
Third Date: She moves in. One week later, her mother, father, her two sisters, her brother, all of their kids, her grandma, her sister's boyfriend and his three kids move in and you live on rice and beans for the rest of your life in your home that used to be nice, but now looks like a home along the Tijuana strip.


JEWISH WOMEN:
First Date: You spend all your money to impress her.
Second Date: You take a loan to keep the image.
Third Date: You're broke, she finds someone wealthier.


ARAB WOMEN:
First Date: Mother, Father, Brothers, Sisters, Cousins, Aunts, Uncles, Friends and entire Arab community finds out.
Second Date: You are shot dead in the street and your balls are fed to the goats.
No third date!


The POINT?
'DON'T YOU JUST LOVE THE IRISH'

[dirtbanker]

Sure are a lot of anti-Clinton jokes on this thread. Let's get some anti-Trump on here.
Key word = lot

There might be 2 or 3 Clinton jokes on this thread, hardly what I would consider to be a "lot".

Post any joke you wish. Hopefully you got something funny, not just your usual awkwardly weird crap...

[Taltarzac725]

If you're black you literally have to be a brain surgeon to get a Trump cabinet post. What does Melania see in Donald Trump? "Ten billion dollars and high cholesterol!" Why can't Donald Trump be a Lannister? Because he never pays his debts. Now that Macy's has severed ties, with Donald Trump, how can the average American look like the President? By hunting and killing their own hair piece. Why is Donald Trump always seen with Melania? Because all his other wives support Hillary. Fear is the Path to the dark side. Fear leads to Anger, Anger leads to Hate, and Hate leads to the Republican Nomination.

More Trump jokes.

source: Donald Trump President Jokes - Donald Trump Jokes (http://www.jokes4us.com/celebrityjokes/donaldtrumpjokes.html)

[dirtbanker]

When I was ready to check out and pay for my groceries at the Winn Dixie, the cashier instructed,
"Strip down, facing me".

Making a mental note so I could complain to manager about this unnecessary security rubbish for seniors, I did just as she instructed.

After the shrieking and hysteria finally subsided, I found out she was referring to how I should position my credit card!

Nonetheless, I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. They need to make their instructions a little clearer for seniors

[dirtbanker]

A large jet plane crashed on a farm in the middle of rural South Carolina. Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force.

By the time they got there, the aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left smoldering in a tree line that bordered the farm.

The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but could find no remains of anyone.

They spotted the farmer plowing a field not too far away as if nothing had happened. They hurried over to the man's tractor.

"Hank," the sheriff yelled, panting and out of breath. "Did you see this terrible accident happen?"

"Yep. Sure did,"the farmer mumbled unconcerned, cutting off the tractor's engine.

"Do you realize that is Air Force One, the airplane of the President of the United States ?"

"Yep."

"Were there any survivors?"

"Nope. They's all kilt straight out," the farmer answered. "I done buried them all myself."

"President Obama is dead?" the sheriff asked.

"Well," the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor.

"He kept a-saying he wasn't...But you know how bad that sumbitch lies."

[dirtbanker]

All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name

Example, the trade name is Tylenol and it's generic name is Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.
Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.
It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.

Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

[dirtbanker]

Paddy sent a text to his wife,

"Colleen, I'm just having one more pint with the lads.

If I'm not home in 20 minutes, read this message again."

[dirtbanker]

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."

She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.

My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.

I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken.

She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where I am now...

[dirtbanker]

A Guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About 2 hours.'

The guy left.

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'

The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.'

The guy left.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'

The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a half' .

The guy left.

The barber turned to his friend and said, 'Hey, Bob, do me a favour , follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back.'

A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, 'So, where does he go when he leaves?'

Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said....

'Your house'

[Taltarzac725]

A large jet plane crashed on a farm in the middle of rural South Carolina. Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force.

By the time they got there, the aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left smoldering in a tree line that bordered the farm.

The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but could find no remains of anyone.

They spotted the farmer plowing a field not too far away as if nothing had happened. They hurried over to the man's tractor.

"Hank," the sheriff yelled, panting and out of breath. "Did you see this terrible accident happen?"

"Yep. Sure did,"the farmer mumbled unconcerned, cutting off the tractor's engine.

"Do you realize that is Air Force One, the airplane of the President of the United States ?"

"Yep."

"Were there any survivors?"

"Nope. They's all kilt straight out," the farmer answered. "I done buried them all myself."

"President Trump is dead?" the sheriff asked.

"Well," the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor.

"He kept a-saying he wasn't...But you know how bad that sumbitch lies."

I changed this to relate to 2017.

[Lottoguy]

What has 24 eyes and 19 teeth? ----------->> The front row of a Merle Haggard concert.

[MDLNB]

I changed this to relate to 2017.

A large jet plane crashed on a farm in the middle of rural South Carolina.
The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but could find no remains of anyone.

They spotted the farmer plowing a field not too far away

"Hank," the sheriff yelled, panting and out of breath. "Did you see this terrible accident happen?"

"Yep. Sure did,"

"Were there any survivors?"

"Nope. They's all kilt straight out," the farmer answered. "I done buried them all myself."

"The Clintons are dead?" the sheriff asked.

"Well, knowin's them to be useless as teats on a bore hog, and figuring I could blame it all on them video things, I did my patriotic duty and buried them anyway.

And everyone lived happily ever after.

[MDLNB]

> tips from the redneck book of manners
>
> 1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
>
> 2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
>
> 3. It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.
>
> 4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
>
> 5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still
> considered tacky to drive a u-haul to the funeral home.

>
> dining out
>
> 1. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers
> covering the label.
>
> 2. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may
> not have dogs.

>
> entertaining in your home
>
> 1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a
> taxidermist.
>
> 2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners
> are.

>
> personal hygiene
>
> 1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be
> done in private using one's own truck keys
>
> 2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days.
> however, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
>
> 3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend
> to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

>
> dating (outside the family)
>
> 1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
>
> 2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: 'i've been wanting to go
> out with you since i read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years
> ago.'
>
> 3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will
> say 10:00 pm; others might say 'monday.' if the latter is the answer, it
> is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
>
> 4. Always have a positive comment about your date's appearance, such as,
> 'ya'll sure don't sweat much for a fat gal.’

>
> weddings
>
> 1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
>
> 2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
>
> 3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund
> and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.
>
> 4. Though uncomfortable, say 'yes' to socks and shoes for this special
> occasion.
>
> 5. It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the
> sack.

>
> driving etiquette
>
> 1. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires
> always has the right of way.
>
> 2. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
>
> 3. When sending your wife/girlfriend down the road with a gas can, it is
> impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
>
> 4. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
>
> 5. Do not lay (burn) rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

[MDLNB]

Two reasons why it is hard to solve a redneck murder:

1. All the dna is the same.

2. There are no dental records,

[MDLNB]

A little girl asked her mother, “How did the human race appear?”

The mother answered, “God made Adam and Eve and
they had children and so was all mankind made.”

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.
The father answered, “Many years ago there were monkeys
from which the human race evolved.”

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, “Mom,
how is it possible that you told me the human race was
created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?”

The mother answered, “Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you
about my side of the family and your father told you about his.”

[MDLNB]

:popcorn:

[MDLNB]

:ho:

[MDLNB]

:posting:

[dirtbanker]

$5.37!
That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me.
I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher.
Having already handed the
kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change
when the kid with the Elmo hairdo said the hardest thing anyone has ever said to me.
He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."

I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me.
"Only $4.68" he said cheerfully.

I stood there stupefied. I am 56, not even 60 yet?
A mere child!
Senior citizen?

I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with Elmo.
Was he blind?
As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil.
Old? Me?

I'll show him, I thought.
I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter,
and there he was waiting with a smile.

Before I could say a word, he held up something
and jingled it in front of me,
like I could be that easily distracted!
What am I now?
A toddler?

"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?"
I stared with utter disdain at the keys.
I began to rationalize in my mind!

"Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly!
It could happen to anyone!"

I turned and headed back to the truck.
I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn.
What now?
I checked my keys and tried another.
Still nothing.

That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.
I had no purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.

Then, a few other objects came into focus:
The car seat in the back seat.
Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard.
A partially eaten dough nut on the dashboard.

Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.

Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot,
relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life.

That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found.

I swung the truck around, gathered my courage,
and strode back into the restaurant one final time.
There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish. All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?"

All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here"? At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle, and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.

Elmo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck,
and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was holding up a drink and a bag. His mother explained, "I think you left this in my truck by mistake."

I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.

She offered these kind words:
"It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time."

All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40 mph zone. Yessss, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius. And no, I told the officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast.

As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall. I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankey.

The good news was that I had successfully found my way home.

[dirtbanker]

I was in a Starbucks Coffee recently when my stomach started rumbling and I realized that I desperately needed to fart.

The place was packed but the music was really loud so to get relief and reduce embarrassment I timed my farts to the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs I started to feel much better. I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me. I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my Ipod ............... and how was your day?
This is what happens when old people start using technology!

[dirtbanker]

I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards.

Instead of sending 18-year old kids off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.

For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a month, leaving us more than 280,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We are bad-tempered and impatient, and maybe letting us kill some ******* that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while..

An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10am. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.

If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys.. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course however... I've been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too... I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.

Let us old guys track down those terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million ****ed off
old farts with bad attitudes and automatic weapons, who know that their best years are already behind them.

HEY!! How about recruiting Women over 50...in menopause!!! You think MEN have attitudes??
Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!! If nothing else, put them on border patrol. They'll have it secured the first night!

[dirtbanker]

DIVORCE SETTLEMENT

On the first day, he sadly packed his belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, he had the movers come and collect his things.

On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; he put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.


When he'd finished, he went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar into the hollow center of the curtain rods.

He then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

On the fourth day, the wife came back with her new boyfriend, and at first, all was bliss.

Then, slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place.

Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked! People stopped coming over to visit.

Repairmen refused to work in the house. The* maid quit.

Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided

they had to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut

their price in half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house.

Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

Then the ex called the woman and asked how things were going. She told him the saga of the rotting house. He listened politely and said that he missed his old home terribly and would be willing to reduce his divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.

Knowing he could have no idea how bad the smell really was, she agreed on a price that was only 1/10 nth of what the house had been worth ... but only if he would sign the papers that very day.

He agreed, and within two hours her lawyers delivered the completed paperwork.

A week later the woman and her boyfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home ..and..................just to spite the ex-husband, they even took the curtain rods !!!

[MDLNB]

:thumbup:

[Abby10]

Some of your posts are downright hilarious! Thanks for the laughs!

[MDLNB]

Some of your posts are downright hilarious! Thanks for the laughs!

And some are funny too!

[dirtbanker]

Glad you enjoy them. More to come


Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G890A using Tapatalk

[Nucky]

😉
A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty,
and was leaving his mission in the jungle,
where he has spent years teaching the natives,
when he realizes that the one thing he never
taught them, was how to speak English.
So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest.
He points to a tree and says to the chief,
"This is a tree."
The chief looks at the tree and grunts,
"Tree."
The Priest is pleased with the response.
They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says,
"This is a rock."
Hearing this, the chief looks and repeats,
"Rock."
The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about his
results when he hears a rustling in the bushes.
As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of
natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.
The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds,
"Man riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his
blowgun and kills them both..
The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that
he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these
people in cold blood that way?
The chief replied,
"My bike... :1rotfl::1rotfl::1rotfl::1rotfl::1rotfl::clap2:

[MDLNB]

Another good one. NEXT!

[Taltarzac725]

������
A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty,
and was leaving his mission in the jungle,
where he has spent years teaching the natives,
when he realizes that the one thing he never
taught them, was how to speak English.
So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest.
He points to a tree and says to the chief,
"This is a tree."
The chief looks at the tree and grunts,
"Tree."
The Priest is pleased with the response.
They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says,
"This is a rock."
Hearing this, the chief looks and repeats,
"Rock."
The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about his
results when he hears a rustling in the bushes.
As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of
natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.
The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds,
"Man riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his
blowgun and kills them both..
The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that
he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these
people in cold blood that way?
The chief replied,
"My bike... :1rotfl::1rotfl::1rotfl::1rotfl::1rotfl::clap2:

Now that is good even though I hate the title of this whole Thread. It is harassment. https://www.talkofthevillages.com/forums/villages-florida-political-talk-88/american-association-law-libraries-past-conventions-238283/

What is Intentional Infliction of Emotional Distress? — South Florida Injury Lawyer Blog — July 21, 2015 (https://www.southfloridainjurylawyer.net/2015/07/what-is-intentional-infliction-of-emotional-distress.html)

[MDLNB]

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.'

So he tied her up and went golfing.

[MDLNB]

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'

The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?'

'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'

[MDLNB]

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed him a card with the letters

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' 'Can you read this?' the optician asked. 'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'

[MDLNB]

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something.
We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.'

'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back.
'I'm so tired of chardonay.

[MDLNB]

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

Rumor is that Herman resides in The Villages.

[MDLNB]

A priest walked into a barber shop in Washington, D.C. After he got his haircut, he asked how much it would be.

The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the Lord."

The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 prayer books and a thank you note from the priest in front of the door.

Later that day, a police officer came in and got his hair cut. He then asked how much it was.

The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the community."


The next morning, he came to work and there were a dozen donuts and a thank you note from the police officer.

Then, a Democrat Senator came in and got a haircut. When he was done he asked how much it was.

The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the country."

The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 Democrats in front of the door.

[dirtbanker]

Dear Abby,

My husband has a long record of money problems. He runs up huge credit card bills and at the end of the month, if I try to pay them off, he shouts at me, saying I am stealing his money. He says pay the minimum and let our kids worry about the rest, but already we can hardly keep up with the interest. Also he has been so arrogant and abusive toward our neighbors that most of them no longer speak to us. The few that do are an odd bunch to whom he has been giving a lot of expensive gifts, running up our bills even more.

Also, he has gotten religious. One week he hangs out with Catholics and the next with people who say the Pope is the Anti-Christ, and the next he's on his knees 7 times a day with Muslims. Finally, the last straw. He's demanding that before anyone can be in the same room with him, they must sign a loyalty oath. It's just so horribly creepy! Can you help?

Signed, Lost ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------




Dear Lost,

Suck it up and stop whining, Michelle. You're getting to live in the White House for free, travel the world, and have others pay for everything for you. You can divorce the jerk any time you want. The rest of us are stuck with the idiot for 3 more years.

Signed, Abby

[dirtbanker]

A surgeon went to check on his patient after an operation.
"You'll be fine," he said.
She asked “How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"

The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.
"What's the matter Doctor?* I will be all right, won't I?"
He replied “Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."

[dirtbanker]

The cranky old woman was arrested for shoplifting at a grocery
store. She gave everyone a hard time, from the store manager to the
security guard to the arresting officer who took her away, complaining and
criticizing throughout the process. When she appeared before the judge, the judge asked what
she had stolen from the store. The lady defiantly replied, "Just a stupid
can of peaches."

The judge then asked why she had done it.

She replied, "I was hungry and forgot to bring any cash to the
store."

The judge asked how many peaches were in the can.

She replied, "Nine, but what do you care about that?"

The judge patiently said, "Well, ma'am, because I'm going to give you nine
days in jail -- one day for each peach."

As the judge was about to drop gavel, the lady's long suffering
husband raised his hand and asked if he might speak.

The judge said, "Yes, what do you have to add?"

The husband said, "Your Honor,
she also stole a can of peas."

[Taltarzac725]

The very title of this whole thread is harassment.

[dirtbanker]

A guy was meeting a friend in a bar, and as he walked in he noticed two pretty girls looking at him.

He heard one girl say to the other; "Nine." Feeling pleased with himself, he swaggered over to his buddy at the bar and told him that the girl in the corner had just rated him a nine out of ten.

"Sorry to spoil your evening," said his friend, "but when I walked in they were speaking German".

[Allegiance]

The very title of this whole thread is harassment.
Although you did post a few funny jokes too!

[dirtbanker]

Interesting piece of history!

In 1272, the Arabic Islamic Muslims invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine.

In 1873, the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.

[dirtbanker]

Wackadoodle was at the bar the other night and overheard three very hefty women talking.
https://czarniklife.files.wordpress.com/2015/03/untitled-attachment-00013.jpg

Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so he approached and asked, "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland ?"

One of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales , Wales you bloody idiot!"

So Wackadoodle apologized and replied, "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland ?"

And that's the last thing he remembers.

[dirtbanker]

A man came home to find his house in flames. In a panic, he rushed to his neighbor's house to use the phone to call 911.
He dialed and the dispatcher quickly answered. "Help!" he said to the dispatcher. "My house is on fire!"
"Okay sir, we can help. How do we get there?" the dispather calmly asked.
"What? Don't you still have those big red trucks?"

[dirtbanker]

Ted and his wife were working in their garden one day when Ted looks over at his wife and says: "Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big! I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue."

With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom.

"Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!!"

The wife chooses to ignore her husband. Later that night in bed, Ted is feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.

"What's wrong?" he asks.

She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?"

[Taltarzac725]

https://www.talkofthevillages.com/forums/villages-florida-political-talk-88/more-intersesting-than-wackadoodles-library-thread-239695/

Harassment in title of this thread.

[dirtbanker]

In a Detroit church one Sunday morning, a preacher said, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."

With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."

The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy's ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy's head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed. He prayed a "blue streak" for Leroy, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.

After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?"

Leroy answered, "I don't know. It ain't 'til Thursday."

[dirtbanker]

Suddenly, a cow walks out into the road and a Limo driving late at night hits it head on and the car comes to a stop.
The woman in the back seat - in her usual abrasive manner, says to the chauffeur,"You get out and check on that poor cow--you were driving."
So the chauffeur gets out, checks, and reports that the animal is dead but it appeared to be very old.
Well, says the woman, "You were driving, so you go and tell the farmer in that lighted farmhouse over there"
Two hours later the chauffeur returns totally inebriated, a full belly, is hair ruffled, with a big grin on his face.
"My God, What Happened to You?" asks the woman.
The chauffeur replies, "When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of single malt scotch, the wife gave me a meal fit for a king, and the daughter made love to me."
"What on earth did you say?" asks the woman.
Well, I just knocked on the door..........and when it opened I said to them,
"I'm Nancy Pelosi's chauffeur, and I've just killed the old cow."

[dirtbanker]

A guy at a horse race whispers to Paddy next to him,
"Do you want the winner of the next race?"
Paddy replies "No tanks, oi've only got a small yard."

[dirtbanker]

A woman arrived at a party and while scanning
the guests, spotted an attractive man standing
alone. She approached him, smiled and said, “Hello,
My name is Carmen.”

“That’s a beautiful name,” he replied. “Is it a family
name?”

“No,” she replied. As a matter of fact I gave it to
myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the
most – cars and men. Therefore, I chose “Carmen.

” What’s your name?”

He answered “B.J. Titsengolf.”

[Taltarzac725]

https://www.talkofthevillages.com/forums/villages-florida-political-talk-88/more-intersesting-than-wackadoodles-library-thread-239695/

Harassment in title of this thread.

Welcome to the Sumter County Sheriff's Office Website (http://www.sumtercountysheriff.org/)

Harassment.

[MDLNB]

GUNFIGHTING TIPS…

In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world.


He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't
yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong.

Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man
standing at the bar who in his day had the reputation of being the
fastest gun in the West. The young cowboy took a place next to the
old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition.
"Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.

The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing,
you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on
your leg."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

"Sure will," replied the old-timer.

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and
shot the bow tie off the piano player.

"That's terrific!" said the hot shot. "Got any more tips for me?"

"Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the
hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man.

"You bet it will," said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun
in a blur, then shot a cufflink off the piano player.

"Wow!" exclaimed the cowboy. "I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any
more tips?"

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that
axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it."

The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease
on the barrel of his gun.

"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

The Old Timer said, "No, but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano,
he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much if it's all
greased up."

[MDLNB]

A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York City and laid on the back seat.
The cab driver, an old gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the cab. The woman glared back at him and said,
"What's wrong with you, honey? Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"
The driver answered, "Let me tell you sumsing, lady. I vasn't staring at you like you tink; det vould not be proper."
The drunk woman giggled and responded, "Well, if you're not staring at my boobs or my butt, sweetie, what are you doing then?"
He paused a moment, then told her..."Vell, M'am, I am looking and I am looking, and I am tinking to myself, vair da hell is dis lady keeping de money to pay for dis ride?"

Now, ------------that's a businessman!

[maureenod]

When Paddy Murphy died, his wife called the newspaper.

She asked"how much does it cost to put in an obituary"

" That would be 1 Euro per word, Mary"

"Okay, said Mary, put Paddy died"

"No Mary, there is a 5 word minimum"

"Okay, put Paddy died, Toyota for sale"

[dirtbanker]

An Irish priest was transferred to Texas ...

Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new west Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.

The conversation went like this:

"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann 's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the foreign accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied, "Well now, Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.......
Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye,'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call.

[dirtbanker]

My name is mary, and i was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.
I noticed his dds diploma on the wall, which bore his full name. Suddenly, i remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that i had a secret crush on, way back then?
Upon seeing him, however, i quickly discarded any such thought.
This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.
After he examined my teeth, i asked him if he had attended morgan park high school
'yes. Yes, i did. I'm a mustang,' he gleamed with pride.
'when did you graduate?' i asked.
He answered, 'in 1975. Why do you ask?'
'you were in my class!', i exclaimed.
He looked at me closely.
Then, that ugly, old, balding, wrinkled faced, fat-assed, gray-haired, decrepit, miserable, son-of-a-bitch asked... "what did you teach" ?

[dirtbanker]

Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.

The older of the two pulls a small folder out of her handbag and starts flipping through photos. They start reminiscing.

''This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old now.''

''Yes, I remember him as a baby.'' says the other mother cheerfully.

"He's a martyr now though." the mother confides.

"Oh, so sad dear...'' says the other.

''And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21.''

''Oh, I remember him,'' says the other happily, ''he had such curly hair when he was born.''

''He's a martyr too...'' says the mother quietly.

''Oh, gracious me...'' says the other.

''And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would have been 18'', she whispers.

"Yes," says the friend enthusiastically, ''I remember when he first started school...''

''He's a martyr also,'' says the mother, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and, searching for the right words, says . . .

"They blow up so fast, don't they?"

[dirtbanker]

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:

Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved.

But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that she had missed Janie.

"Janie, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy.

She was a pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.She shot 15 of them with the pistol until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife until the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

"Good Heavens," said the horrified teacher. "What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this story?"

"Stay the hell away from Mommy when she's been drinking."

[maureenod]

Last year I took my grandkids to a county fair. We sat at a picnic table having an ice cream, along with an elderly couple. The gentleman asked Jack " how old are you young man"

Jack replied " I'm 3 1/2, how old are you?

The gentleman replied " Well, I'm 62"


"Oh", said Jack, "You look a hundred"

"Well",said the gentleman, " That's because I didn't eat my vegetables"

TRUE STORY

[Taltarzac725]

Last year I took my grandkids to a county fair. We sat at a picnic table having an ice cream, along with an elderly couple. The gentleman asked Jack " how old are you young man"

Jack replied " I'm 3 1/2, how old are you?

The gentleman replied " Well, I'm 62"


"Oh", said Jack, "You look a hundred"

"Well",said the gentleman, " That's because I didn't eat my vegetables"

TRUE STORY

A nice story. Thanks for sharing.

[Abby10]

Last year I took my grandkids to a county fair. We sat at a picnic table having an ice cream, along with an elderly couple. The gentleman asked Jack " how old are you young man"

Jack replied " I'm 3 1/2, how old are you?

The gentleman replied " Well, I'm 62"


"Oh", said Jack, "You look a hundred"

"Well",said the gentleman, " That's because I didn't eat my vegetables"

TRUE STORY

Now that's a good story! Quick thinking and very wise gentleman. :BigApplause:

[dirtbanker]

Woman:
Do you drink beer?

Man: Yes

Woman:
How many beers a day?

Man:
Usually about 3

Woman:
How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $5.00 which includes a tip

(This is where it gets scary !)

Woman:
And how long have you been drinking?

Man:
About 20 years, I suppose

Woman:
So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 …correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past
20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
Do you know that if you didn’t drink beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man:
Do you drink beer?

Woman:
No

Man:
Where’s your Ferrari?

[dirtbanker]

A union boss walks into a bar next door to the factory and is about to order a drink to celebrate Obama’s victory when he sees a guy close by wearing a Romney for President button and two beers in front of him.
He doesn’t have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is a Republican. So, he shouts over to the bartender so loudly that everyone can hear, “Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for the Republican.”
Soon after the drinks have been handed out, the Republican gives him a big smile, waves at him, then says, “Thank you!” in an equally loud voice. This infuriates the union boss, so he once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Republican. As before, this does not seem to bother the Republican. He continues to smile, and again yells, “Thank you!”
So just to make his point one more time, the union boss once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Republican. But, as before, this does not seem to bother the Republican. He continues to smile, and again yells, “Thank you!”
Frustrated, the union boss asks the bartender, “What the hell is the matter with that Republican? I’ve ordered three rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him, and all the silly ass does is smile and thank me. Is he nuts?”
“Nope,” replies the bartender. “He owns the place.”

[Abby10]

A union boss walks into a bar next door to the factory and is about to order a drink to celebrate Obama’s victory when he sees a guy close by wearing a Romney for President button and two beers in front of him.
He doesn’t have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is a Republican. So, he shouts over to the bartender so loudly that everyone can hear, “Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for the Republican.”
Soon after the drinks have been handed out, the Republican gives him a big smile, waves at him, then says, “Thank you!” in an equally loud voice. This infuriates the union boss, so he once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Republican. As before, this does not seem to bother the Republican. He continues to smile, and again yells, “Thank you!”
So just to make his point one more time, the union boss once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Republican. But, as before, this does not seem to bother the Republican. He continues to smile, and again yells, “Thank you!”
Frustrated, the union boss asks the bartender, “What the hell is the matter with that Republican? I’ve ordered three rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him, and all the silly ass does is smile and thank me. Is he nuts?”
“Nope,” replies the bartender. “He owns the place.”

:a20: Came here for some comic relief after the other thread I was just on.......got it! Thanks!

[dirtbanker]

Little Bruce and his friend Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.
Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, *Mr.Smith replies, "Well, Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit in *it nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable,
Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."
Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance, Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, so that *should do us just fine."
Mr. Smith is impressed. Bruce has put so much thought into this.
"Well Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?"
Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far."
Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little $hit is adorable.

[dirtbanker]

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

[dirtbanker]

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'arthritis.'

[dirtbanker]

A blonde gets home from work early & hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.

She rushes upstairs only to find her husband naked lying on the bed, sweating and panting.

'What's going on?' she asks.

'I think I'm having a heart attack,' - cries the husband...

The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialling, her four-year-old son comes up and says,

"Mommy Mommy Aunty Shirley is hiding in the closet & she has no clothes on".

The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the bedroom right past her husband...She rips open the closet door and sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the floor.

'You rotten Bitch', she screams.

'My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked playing hide and seek with the kids!!

[Taltarzac725]

Trump And Kafka Walk Into A Bar – kafkaestblog (https://daleestey.com/2017/01/19/trump-and-kafka-walk-into-a-bar/)

Happy Birthday, Franz Kafka.

[dirtbanker]

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that... I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

[dirtbanker]

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

[maureenod]

John went to the Dentist with a bad toothache and the Dentist told him he need an extraction.

Dentist said" I'll give you novocaine"

"No, said John, it never works on me"

"I'll give you some gas"

"No, said John, I get very sick from that"

"Well, said the dentist, the only thing left is viagra"

"What will that do"

" It will give you something to hold on to, when I pull the tooth"

[Taltarzac725]

John went to the Dentist with a bad toothache and the Dentist told him he need an extraction.

Dentist said" I'll give you novocaine"

"No, said John, it never works on me"

"I'll give you some gas"

"No, said John, I get very sick from that"

"Well, said the dentist, the only thing left is viagra"

"What will that do"

" It will give you something to hold on to, when I pull the tooth"

That's a good one. This is the person labelled wackadoodle with the library thread BTW. And this was not done for fun. The Title of the Thread I mean but some of these jokes are funny.

[MDLNB]

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you ****ting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, but he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

[dirtbanker]

My wife hosted a dinner party for all our friends, some of whom we hadn't
seen for ages and everyone was encouraged to bring their children along as
well.

All throughout dinner my wife's best friend's four-year-old daughter stared
at me as I sat opposite her. The girl could hardly eat her food for
staring. I checked my shirt for spots, felt my face for food, and patted my
hair in place, but nothing stopped her from staring at me. I tried my best
to just ignore her, but finally it was too much for me.
I asked her, "Why are you staring at me?"

Everyone at the table had noticed her behavior, and the table went quiet
for her response.

The little girl said, "I'm just waiting to see you drink like a fish."

[dirtbanker]

I know you have been laying awake at night wondering why baby diapers have brand names such as "Luvs", "Huggies," and "Pampers', while undergarments for old people are called "Depends".

Well here is the low down on the whole thing.

When babies poop their pants, people are still gonna Luv'em, Hug'em and Pamper' em. When old people poop their pants, it "Depends" on who's in the will!

[dirtbanker]

Today I had to go to the mall. As I approached the entrance, I noticed a driver looking for a parking space.
I flagged the driver and pointed out a handicap parking space that was open and available.

The driver looked puzzled, rolled down her window and said, "I'm not handicapped!"

Well, as you can imagine, my face was red! "Oh, I'm sorry," I said. "I saw your Obama bumper sticker, and I just assumed that you suffered from some sort of mental disorder."

She gave me the finger and screamed some nasty names at me.
Boy! Some people don't appreciate it when you're just trying to help them out!

[MDLNB]

A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

5. 'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.'

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'

And the best one of all.

13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'

[MDLNB]

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news:

"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt - prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself.

She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked:



"Will I be acquitted?"

[MDLNB]

Heartwarming Lawyer Story


One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass ?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there eating grass under that tree"
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the second poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also."
The other man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and six children with me!"
"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.


They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine.
Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said,

"Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it.

You'll really love my place.

The grass is almost a foot high."

Did you really think there was a heart-warming lawyer story?
Look at Congress -- over 300 LAWYERS

[maureenod]

Paddy the farmer was in his field and a tinker van pulled up to ask directions. Out comes 7 children. Paddy scratched his head and said " 7 children, I'v been married 5 years and nothing has happened. Can you give me some advice?

Well, said the tinker, " You go to town and buy a beautiful night gown and flowers."

Okay, what do I do next"

" You take her out to the best restaurant for a wonderful dinner, and the best wine"

"Okay, what do I do next"

"Come home and have her take a relaxing bath, and more wine.

Okay, what do I do next"

Have her get into bed"

Okay, what do I do next"

Then, you call me"

[dirtbanker]

Thanks for the laughs!

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G890A using Tapatalk

[maureenod]

When Paddy Murphy came to the states, he looked in the classifieds for a job. The only one he saw was for a forest ranger. Although he knew nothing about it he decided he would apply for the job.

The boss asked a few questions and then took him to a large oak tree. "Now Paddy, can you identify the back of the tree.

Paddy looked it up and down, walked all around it, and then pointed " That's the back"

The boss said" and how did you determined that"

Paddy said " Because someone took a sh.t behind it"

[dirtbanker]

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

[Taltarzac725]

A librarian was working late one night at a small-town library. She had the door open for a breeze, and a chicken walked in, hopped up on the desk, and said, "Book, book, book!"
The librarian was a bit startled, but she quickly handed the chicken three books. The chicken put one under each wing, one in its beak, and walked out.
A few minutes later, the chicken returned, dropped those three books on the floor, hopped up on the counter, and said, "Book, book, book!"
Once again, the librarian gave the chicken three books, the chicken tucked one under each wing, took the third in its beak, and walked out.
It must be a full moon tonight, thought the librarian, getting back to her work. Of course, since everything in jokes comes in threes, the chicken came back. It dropped the books on the floor, hopped up, and said, "Book, book, book!"
This time, the librarian decided to get to the bottom of this. She gave three books to the chicken, and when it walked away, she followed it. They went across the parking lot, down into a ditch, and through a damp culvert. Good thing I wore my sensible shoes, she thought. They emerged into a little moonlit pool. There, the chicken stopped in front of the largest bullfrog the librarian had ever seen. He took one look at the books the chicken was carrying and croaked, "Read it, read it, read it!"

[Taltarzac725]

Q: What happens when you cross a librarian and a lawyer?
A: You get all the information you want, but you can't understand it.

[dirtbanker]

A guy walks into the library and asks the librarian "Do you have that book for men with small peni$es?"

The librarian looks on her computer and says "I don't know if it is in yet"

The guy says "Yeah thats the one"

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G890A using Tapatalk

[Taltarzac725]

A guy walks into the library and asks the librarian "Do you have that book for men with small peni$es?"

The librarian looks on her computer and says "I don't know if it is in yet"

The guy says "Yeah thats the one"

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G890A using Tapatalk

It is probably checked out a lot by Donald Trump zealots.

[Taltarzac725]

"Donald Trump still hasn't released his tax returns, 12 women have accused him of sexual assault, and he's going on trial for fraud for Trump University in November, but now the only thing the media's talking about is emails.


It's like if during the O.J. trial everyone was focused on whether or not the Ford Bronco had up-to-date registration." –Seth Meyers

Still funny. Not as amusing now that Trump is President of the United States.

[dirtbanker]

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident.

The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.

St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he leaves.

The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple are still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven. After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.

'Yes,' he informs the couple, 'You can get married in Heaven.'

'Great!' said the couple, 'But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?'

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground.

'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple.

'OH, COME ON!', St. Peter shouted, 'It took me three months to find a priest up here! * Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?

[dirtbanker]

HOLY HUMOR

During these serious and troubled times, people of all faiths should remember these four great religious truths:

1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's Chosen People.
2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.
4. Baptists do not*recognize each other at the liquor store.

GOOD SAMARITAN

A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"

A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."

DID NOAH FISH?
A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?"
"No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms." THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD
A Sunday school teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible - Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter. Little Rick was excited about the task - but he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line.

On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know."

UNANSWERED PRAYER
The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why.
"Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages. "I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon."
"How come He doesn't answer it?" she asked.

BEING THANKFUL
A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "So your mother says your prayers for you each night? That's very commendable. What does she say?"
The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"

ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS
When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past). For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, "And all girls."
This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing. My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, "Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?"
Her response, "Because everybody always finish their prayers by saying 'All Men'!"

SAY A PRAYER
Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away. "Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer." said his mother.
"I don't need to,"*the boy replied.
"Of course, you do" his mother insisted. "We always say a prayer before eating at our house."
"That's at our house." Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook."

[dirtbanker]

Guy goes into a bar where there’s a robot bartender!
The robot says, “What will you have?” The guy says, “Whiskey.” The robot brings back his drink and says to the man, “What’s your IQ?” The guy says,” 168.” The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology.

The guy leaves, . . . but he is curious . . . So he goes back into the bar.

The robot bartender says, “What will you have?” The guy says, “Whiskey.” Again, the robot brings the man his drink and says, “What’s your IQ?” The guy says, “100.” The robot then starts to talk about Nascar, Budweiser, the Saints and LSU Tigers.
The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time. He goes back into the bar.

The robot says, “What will you have?” The guy says, “Whiskey,” and the robot brings him his whiskey. The robot then says, “What’s your IQ?” The guy says, “Uh, about 50.”
The robot leans in real close and says, “SO, . . . you people . . . still happy . . . with Obamacare?”

[Joe De Vito]

A woman and her 12-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings. "Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?"
"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied.
The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money."
The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true Mom?" His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers "Yes."
After a few minutes the kid asks, "Mom, if those women have babies, what happens to them?"

She said, "Most of them become taxi drivers."

===
A doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired. At her next check-up, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the doctor was looking through these his eyes grew wide as he realized Grandma had a prescription for birth control pills.

"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are birth control pills?"
"Yes, they help me sleep at night."
"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely nothing in these that could possibly help you sleep
She reached out and patted the young doctor's knee and said, "Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16-year-old Granddaughter drinks. And believe me it definitely helps me sleep at night."

You gotta love Grandmas!
===

A man was riding on a full bus minding his own business when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breast-feed her baby. The baby wouldn't take it so she said, "Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us."
Five minutes later the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here."

A few minutes later the anxious man blurted out, "Come on kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!"

===

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.' The question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student was hard put to think of seven advantages. He wrote:

1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.

And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test he wrote:
7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.

He got an A.

===

An old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside. "Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"
"You lissina me, boy! Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. Then one-a day you gonna comea home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Times up!' "

[Taltarzac725]

A woman and her 12-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings. "Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?"
"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied.
The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money."
The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true Mom?" His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers "Yes."
After a few minutes the kid asks, "Mom, if those women have babies, what happens to them?"

She said, "Most of them become taxi drivers."

===
A doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired. At her next check-up, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the doctor was looking through these his eyes grew wide as he realized Grandma had a prescription for birth control pills.

"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are birth control pills?"
"Yes, they help me sleep at night."
"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely nothing in these that could possibly help you sleep
She reached out and patted the young doctor's knee and said, "Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16-year-old Granddaughter drinks. And believe me it definitely helps me sleep at night."

You gotta love Grandmas!
===

A man was riding on a full bus minding his own business when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breast-feed her baby. The baby wouldn't take it so she said, "Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us."
Five minutes later the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here."

A few minutes later the anxious man blurted out, "Come on kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!"

===

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.' The question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student was hard put to think of seven advantages. He wrote:

1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.

And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test he wrote:
7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.

He got an A.

===

An old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside. "Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"
"You lissina me, boy! Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. Then one-a day you gonna comea home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Times up!' "

Those are pretty good Joe De Vito.

[Taltarzac725]

Q & A form jokes

Q: What do you call a smiling, courteous person at a bar association convention?
A: The caterer.

Q: What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pitbull?
A: Lipstick.

Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 100?
A: Your Honor.
Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50
A: Senator.

Q: What's the difference between an accountant and a lawyer?
A: Accountants know they're boring.

Q: What's the one thing that never works when it's fixed?
A: A jury.

Q: Why did God invent lawyers?
A: So that real estate agents would have someone to look down on.

Q: What's the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a lawyer on a motorcycle?
A: The vacuum cleaner has the dirt bag on the inside.

Q: What' the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee?
A: A boxing referee doesn't get paid more for a longer fight.

Q: What's the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?
A: A bad lawyer makes your case drag on for years. A good lawyer makes it last even longer.

Q: What's the difference between a jellyfish and a lawyer?
A: One's a spineless, poisonous blob. The other is a form of sea life.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech?
A: After you die, a leech stops sucking your blood.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and God?
A: God doesn't think he's a lawyer.

Q: How are an apple and a lawyer alike?
A: They both look good hanging from a tree.
Q: How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?
A: She has an uncontrollable craving for bologna.
Q: How does an attorney sleep?
A: First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
Q: How many lawyer jokes are there?
A: Only three. The rest are true stories.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three, One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder company.
Q: What are lawyers good for?
A: They make used car salesmen look good.
Q: What do dinosaurs and decent lawyers have in common?
A: They're both extinct.
Q: What do you call 25 attorneys buried up to their chins in cement?
A: Not enough cement.
Q: What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?
A: Skeet.
Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad.
A: Senator.
Q: What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
A: His partners.
Q: What does a lawyer get when you give him Viagra?
A: Taller
Q: What's brown and looks really good on a lawyer?
A: A Doberman.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a liar?
A: The pronunciation.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?
A: A prostitute will stop screwing you when you're dead.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
A: The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
Q: What's the difference between a mosquito and a lawyer?
A: One is a blood-sucking parasite, the other is an insect.
Q: Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?
A: To practice.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
A: The lawyer charges more.
Q: What's the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A: The tick falls off when you are dead.
Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer?
A: I don't know. There are some things even a blonde won't do.
Q: Know how copper wire was invented?
A: Two lawyers were fighting over a penny.
Q: Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
A: To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.
Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
A: Stick his bill up his ass.
Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: Their lips are moving.
Q: Why did New Jersey get all the toxic waste and California all the lawyers?
A: New Jersey got to pick first.
Q: Why don't lawyers go to the beach?
A: Cats keep trying to bury them.
Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!
Q: What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.
Q: What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.
Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
A: Take your foot off his head.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of manure?
A: The bucket.
Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.

Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
A: There was an empty seat.
Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you can't understand
Q: Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
A: From chasing parked ambulances.
Q: Where can you find a good lawyer?
A: In the cemetery
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A: A gigolo only screws one person at a time.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A: A vampire only sucks blood at night.
Q: Why to lawyers wear neckties?
A: To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins.
Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
A: When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.
Q: How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?
A: It might be your bicycle.
Q: What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention?
A: The caterer.
Q: Why do they bury lawyers under 20 feet of dirt?
A: Because deep down, they're really good people.
Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.
Q: What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
A: One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

[maureenod]

A group of couples went to a Sean nos( irish set dance) in Boynton Beach.

There was a man, well into his 80's and had a very big nose, that had a step we had never seen before.

Myself and Mary went over and compliment him on his dance step and asked if he would show us how to do it.

His wife grabed his arm and said "No, he's not showing you anything"

Taken back by her reaction, we walked back to our table.
I said to Mary, "Geez, he's too old to do anything, what is she worried about."

"Well, said Mary, "He could use his nose"

[Joe De Vito]

OLD people have problems that you haven't
even considered yet!
An 85-year-old man was requested by his
Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical
exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take
this jar home and bring back a semen sample
tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared
"at the doctor's office and gave him the jar,
which was as clean and empty as on the
previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man
explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried
with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried
with my left hand, but still nothing.

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with
her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,
then with her teeth out, still nothing.

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door
and she tried too, first with both hands, then an
armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between
her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked!

'You asked your neighbor?'

The old man replied,

'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

[Taltarzac725]

OLD people have problems that you haven't
even considered yet!
An 85-year-old man was requested by his
Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical
exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take
this jar home and bring back a semen sample
tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared
"at the doctor's office and gave him the jar,
which was as clean and empty as on the
previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man
explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried
with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried
with my left hand, but still nothing.

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with
her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,
then with her teeth out, still nothing.

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door
and she tried too, first with both hands, then an
armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between
her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked!

'You asked your neighbor?'

The old man replied,

'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

I am going to steal that one. :popcorn::popcorn:

[MDLNB]

Tyrone was having trouble in school; his teacher was always yelling at him, "You're driving me crazy, Tyrone; can't you learn anything?

One day Tyrone's mother came to school to see how he was doing. The teacher told her honestly that her son was simply a disaster, getting very low marks, and that she had never had such an unmotivated and ignorant boy in her entire teaching career. Tyrone’s mom, shocked at the feedback, withdrew her son from school and moved out of Detroit, relocating to Cleveland.

25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with irreversible cardiac disease Her doctors all strongly advised her to have open heart surgery, which only one surgeon at the Cleveland Clinic could perform.

Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was remarkably successful.

When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw the handsome young doctor who headed her surgical team smiling down at her. She wanted to thank him, but could not talk. Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something, but quickly died.

The doctor was shocked, wondering what went wrong so suddenly. When the doctor turned around to leave the room, he saw Tyrone, now a janitor at the Clinic, had unplugged the life-support equipment in order to plug in his vacuum cleaner

If you thought that Tyrone had become a heart-surgeon, there is a high likelihood that you voted for Hillary

[MDLNB]

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the
young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.
Suddenly, the boy starts choking and going blue in the face.. The
father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping
him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps
choking.
Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue
business suit, is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and
sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up,
puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper, and places it on
the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried,
across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of
the boy's testicles, and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first,
and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses
violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly
catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the
father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a
word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the
Father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've
never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic.
Are you a doctor?"
'No,' the woman replied. I'm with the IRS.’

[MDLNB]

A young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer,
decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do
neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had
any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch. How much will you charge me?"

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and brushes and everything she would need
were in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our
porch goes ALL the way around the house?"

"That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" he responded.

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes."

A few hours later the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already??" the startled husband asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied, “and I even had paint left over so I gave it two coats.

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her along with a
$10 tip.

"Thank you," the blonde said, "And, by the way, it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

[dirtbanker]

THE 5 ANSWERS YOU HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR


Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, but 'downunder'.


Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear .


Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES ORIGINALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because when they come, they're wet and wild, and when they go, they
take your house and car with them.


Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch...


BONUS QUESTION & ANSWER
Q: What is a man's Ultimate embarrassment?
A: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.

[dirtbanker]

Robert, age 80, always wanted a pair of authentic Texas cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.


Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Noticeanything different about me?" Margaret, age 75, looked him over.
"Nope."

Frustrated, Robert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"

Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, "Robert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be
hanging down again tomorrow."


Furious, Robert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"
"Nope. Not a clue", she replied.

"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!"

Without missing a beat Margaret replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, Robert!
Shoulda bought a hat."

[dirtbanker]

My buddy from Atlanta Georgia swears this works.

Go to Home Depot or Walmart and buy a can of black spray paint.

Stir up each ant mound as you go and the area around them with a stick. The ants will emerge by the hundreds to defend the mounds.

Spray each mound and the surrounding area, making sure you get plenty of paint on the ants as well.

Once the ants realize they live in a black neighborhood, they quit working and start killing each other.

[Taltarzac725]

My buddy from Atlanta Georgia swears this works.

Go to Home Depot or Walmart and buy a can of black spray paint.

Stir up each ant mound as you go and the area around them with a stick. The ants will emerge by the hundreds to defend the mounds.

Spray each mound and the surrounding area, making sure you get plenty of paint on the ants as well.

Once the ants realize they live in a black neighborhood, they quit working and start killing each other.

Racist garbage.

[dirtbanker]

You can retire to Phoenix, Arizona where...
1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away from your house because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your hiney from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes form Mexican food.
5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

OR
You can retire to California where...
1.You make over $450,000 a year and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.

OR
You can retire to New York City where...
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan....
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "nature."
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn. (IF you have a car).
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

OR
You can retire to Minnesota where...
1. You only have three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup ...
2.Halloween costumes have to fit over parkas.
3. You have seventeen recipes for casserole.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road repair.
6.The highest level of criticism is "He is different, she is different or It was different!

OR
You can retire to The Deep South where...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin" is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Joe Bob, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
5.Everywhere is either: "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder".

OR
You can retire to Colorado where...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home, so he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

OR
You can retire to the Nebraska where...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is three cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at.

OR
FINALLY You can retire to Florida where...
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent cardiologist, dermatologist, proctologist, podiatrist, or orthopedist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.

[MDLNB]

A Chinese guy goes into a Jewish-owned establishment to buy black bras, size 38.
The Jewish store keeper, known for his skills as a businessman, says that black bras
are rare and that he is finding it very difficult to buy them from his suppliers.
Therefore he has to charge $50.00 for them.

The Chinese guy buys 25 pairs.

He returns a few days later and this time orders fifty.

The Jewish owner tells him that they have become even harder to get and charges him $60.00 each.

The Chinese guy returns a month later and buys the store's remaining stock of 50, and this time for $75.00 each.
The Jewish owner is somewhat puzzled by the large demand for black size 38 bras and asks the Chinese guy;
"Please tell me - What do you do with all these black bras?"

The Chinese guy answers: "I cut them in half and sell them as skull caps to Jewish men for $200.00 each."

... and this is why the Chinese own us!

Business is Business

[MDLNB]

Exercise for people over 60


Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5 lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax

Each day you will find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to a 10 lb bag. Then try 50 lb potato bags, and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100 lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I am currently at this level).

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

[MDLNB]

CONFUCIUS DID NOT SAY....

* Man who wants pretty nurse must be patient.

* Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

* Lady who goes camping with man must beware of evil intent.

* Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.

* Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

* Man who runs in front of car gets tired, but man who runs behind car gets exhausted.

* Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

* War does not determine who is right; it determines who is left.

* Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

* It takes many nails to build a crib, but only one screw to fill it.

* Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

* Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

* Wise man not keep sledge hammer and slow computer in same room.

* Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

* Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

And, CONFUCIUS DID NOT SAY. . . .

"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"

[MDLNB]

The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.


The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good


for you. Walking is especially beneficial - strengthens the


pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier.


Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay


on a soft surfaces, like a grass path."


"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together.


It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact,


that shared experience would be good for you both."

The room suddenly became very quiet as the men


absorbed this information. After a few moments a man,


name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.

"Yes?" said the Instructor.

"I was just wondering if it would be all right, if she carries


a golf bag?"

Brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?
THIS LEVEL OF SENSITIVITY CAN'T BE TAUGHT.

[dirtbanker]

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new 2017 7 Series BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Apple iphone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany ...

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Apple iPad that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Galaxy S5 and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Congressman from the U.S. Government", says Bud.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required," answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know crap about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter”.

“This is a herd of sheep.”

“Now give me back my dog.”

[dirtbanker]

Yesterday I was at Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Necco, the Wonder Dog, which weighs 191 lbs. I was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant?

So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is, to load your jacket pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me.

[dirtbanker]

At dawn the telephone rings,

"Hello, Señor Roy? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Señor Roy, that your parrot, he is dead".

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"

"Si, Señor, that's the one."

"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"

"From eating the rotten meat, Señor Roy."

"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody, Señor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Señor Roy."

"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"

"Yes, Señor Roy, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Señor."

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house, Señor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."

"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"

"Yes, Señor Roy."

"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Señor Roy."

"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"

"Your wife's, Señor Roy. She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Ping G20 204g titanium head golf club with the TFC 149D graphite shaft."

SILENCE...........

LONG SILENCE.........

VERY LONG SILENCE…………

"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep $hit."

[dirtbanker]

Sort of forgot about this thread...

Wow! 5733 views so far on this MORE INTERESTING thread (15.45 views per post, as compared to say 13.33 in the not as interesting thread).

I appreciate the contributions by others, there is certainly room for some more good jokes...

[dirtbanker]

Fred and Larry got married in California .
* They couldn't afford a honeymoon so, they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's house for their first married night together.
* In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.
* As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Larry are up yet.
* She replies, 'No'.
* Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
* His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think!* Just go to school.'
* Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are Fred and Larry up yet?'
* She replies, 'No.'
* Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'
* His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school '
* After school, Johnny comes home and asks again,
* 'Are Fred and Larry up yet?'
* His mom says, 'No.'
* He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
* His mom replies, 'OK, now tell me what you think.'
* He says: 'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think...... I gave him my airplane glue.'

[Carl in Tampa]

.
.

"When I was drinking I broke my standards faster than I could lower them." --- Robin Williams

.
.
.
.

[Wiotte]

.

.



"When I was drinking I broke my standards faster than I could lower them." --- Robin Williams



.

.

.

.



FYI, this thread was created to mock a fellow poster. I'm sure you didn't know that.

[Carl in Tampa]

Originally Posted by Carl in Tampa

.

"When I was drinking I broke my standards faster than I could lower them." --- Robin Williams

Wiotte

FYI, this thread was created to mock a fellow poster. I'm sure you didn't know that.


I thought it was about jokes.

When I saw Robin Williams say this on a TV interview I burst out laughing.


Carl in Tampa

.

[Allegiance]

Most of us have traded insults on this board. I would like to suggest we can trade some laughs too.

If you have a joke to share, please feel free to contribute. If you want to whine, or attack the other posters, please do it in one of the other threads.Hardly a mock. Just to trade laughs.

[dirtbanker]

Funny, but painful

Safeshare.TV - Hitler finds out he can't keep his docto... (https://safeshare.tv/x/jyeqLxShwx)

[dirtbanker]

Hardly a mock. Just to trade laughs.
Exactly, If you read the OP it is about sharing laughs.

"Most of us have traded insults on this board. I would like to suggest we can trade some laughs too.

If you have a joke to share, please feel free to contribute. If you want to whine, or attack the other posters, please do it in one of the other threads. "

Thanks for contributing Carl.

[Taltarzac725]

FYI, this thread was created to mock a fellow poster. I'm sure you didn't know that.

This is more harassment by dirtbanker and Allegiance against me and my law librarian thread which is about helping survivors/victims of crimes through my international 224 613 Project of 26 years.

You can see the jealousy oozing out of it often from dirtbanker's posts.

You know this kind of harassment and stalking is against the law in Florida. Especially when it is long term and intentional as well as done by many people. Allegiance and dirtbanker are the two worst offenders and breakers of the Criminal Law of Florida.

Why is this in the Political Forum and why not start a thread that is about jokes rather than entitling it like this--
Talk of The Villages > Talk of the Villages Forums > The Villages, Florida, Political talk
More intersesting than Wackadoodle's library thread

Neither of these people know me-- I mean Allegiance and dirtbanker-- nor any members of my family as far as I know. I find this stalking and cyberbullying deeply offensive and extremely juvenile.

Both of these people should be booted off of TOTV and permanently. Mainly for intentionally and for a long period breaking the law of the State of Florida about online harassment and stalking.

Decent people should not allow this kind of behavior and should complain about it immediately whenever Allegiance and dirtbanker post anything remotely questionable on the Regular Forum. Get them off of here.

[Taltarzac725]

Most of us have traded insults on this board. I would like to suggest we can trade some laughs too.

If you have a joke to share, please feel free to contribute. If you want to whine, or attack the other posters, please do it in one of the other threads.

The very start of this thread by its Title is an insult. And it is continued harassment by its Title.


The details of this first post in this thread--
04-29-2017, 08:46 AM
Remove user from ignore list dirtbanker

[Allegiance]

The very start of this thread by its Title is an insult. And it is continued harassment by its Title.


The details of this first post in this thread--That was a funny joke. Good one Tal, buddy.

[Taltarzac725]

That was a funny joke. Good one Tal, buddy.

Harassment continues by Allegiance. I have no idea who this person is. I would file a Criminal Complaint against this person if I had a name, address, phone number, etc. The County is really needed to file a Criminal Complaint.

I know this is giving this troll the attention he craves. He has gone a lot though from being a harmless troll to a long term intentional harasser and stalker.

[MDLNB]

An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio, Texas leading a tired old mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat.

He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.

As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.
...



The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, can you dance?"

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No son, I don't dance... never really wanted to"

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now!" and started shooting at the old man's feet.

The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet.


Everybody standing around was laughing.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.


The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled 12 gauge shotgun and cocked both hammers.

The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately.

The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly

The silence was deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin 12 gauge barrels.


The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said;


"Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir ... but ... I've always wanted to."

There are a few lessons for all of us here:

* Don't be arrogant.
* Don't waste ammunition.
* Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
* Always make sure you know who is in control.
* And finally, Don't screw around with old folks;
they didn't get old by being stupid.

I just love a story with a happy ending

[Taltarzac725]

An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio, Texas leading a tired old mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat.

He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.

As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.
...



The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, can you dance?"

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No son, I don't dance... never really wanted to"

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now!" and started shooting at the old man's feet.

The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet.


Everybody standing around was laughing.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.


The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled 12 gauge shotgun and cocked both hammers.

The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately.

The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly

The silence was deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin 12 gauge barrels.


The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said;


"Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir ... but ... I've always wanted to."

There are a few lessons for all of us here:

* Don't be arrogant.
* Don't waste ammunition.
* Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
* Always make sure you know who is in control.
* And finally, Don't screw around with old folks;
they didn't get old by being stupid.

I just love a story with a happy ending

I will take note of this. Maybe you should go see the Clint Eastwood movie The Unforgiven. Or how about his later Blood Work? Cool movies both.

[Allegiance]

I will take note of this. Maybe you should go see the Clint Eastwood movie The Unforgiven. Or how about his later Blood Work? Cool movies both.Very glad you are enjoying a superior thread.

[Taltarzac725]

Very glad you are enjoying a superior thread.

Harassment. Harassment. Harassment.

[Allegiance]

Harassment. Harassment. Harassment.Excellent work.

[MDLNB]

Please..I repeat, please do not use the $1 $20 $50 or the $100 bills as they have former slave owners on them! Send them all to me and I will dispose of them properly!! Do not just throw them away.. They need to be disposed of properly and I am a certified money disposer..Rest assured I will properly dispose of all that is sent to me .....

[Wiotte]

Please..I repeat, please do not use the $1 $20 $50 or the $100 bills as they have former slave owners on them! Send them all to me and I will dispose of them properly!! Do not just throw them away.. They need to be disposed of properly and I am a certified money disposer..Rest assured I will properly dispose of all that is sent to me .....



Now, this is funny [emoji847]

[dirtbanker]

Please..I repeat, please do not use the $1 $20 $50 or the $100 bills as they have former slave owners on them! Send them all to me and I will dispose of them properly!! Do not just throw them away.. They need to be disposed of properly and I am a certified money disposer..Rest assured I will properly dispose of all that is sent to me .....Lol


Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G890A using Tapatalk

[Allegiance]

Please..I repeat, please do not use the $1 $20 $50 or the $100 bills as they have former slave owners on them! Send them all to me and I will dispose of them properly!! Do not just throw them away.. They need to be disposed of properly and I am a certified money disposer..Rest assured I will properly dispose of all that is sent to me .....Very funny, what's sad is there will be protests to change the money....watch.

[dirtbanker]

The phone call
Several men are in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches rings. A man picks it up and the following conversation ensues:
"Hello?"
"Honey, It's me."
"Sugar!"
"Are you at the club?"
"Yes."
"Great! I'm at the mall 2 blocks from where you are. I saw a beautiful mink coat. It is absolutely gorgeous! Can I buy it?"
"What's the price?"
"Only $1,500."
"Well, okay, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much."
"Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2002 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..."
"What price did he quote you?"
"Only $60,000!"
"Okay, but for that price I want it with all the options."
"Great! Before we hang up, something else..."
"What?"
"It might seem like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and...well, I stopped by to see the real estate agent this morning and I saw the house we had looked at last year. It's on sale! Remember? The one with a pool, English garden, acre of park area, beachfront property..."
"How much are they asking?"
"Only $650,000... a magnificent price, and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..."
"Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $620,000, OK?"
"Okay, sweetie. Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!" "Bye."
The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap and asks aloud, "Does anyone know whose phone this is?"

[MDLNB]

What happened?

[MDLNB]

The eclipse

[Taltarzac725]

The eclipse

Not in the history books. Trump will be seen as the reality star long term con man he is. President Barack Obama was a leader. Trump is a man-child.

[MDLNB]

A drunk decides to go ice fishing; so he gathers his gear and goes walking around until he finds a big patch of ice. He heads into the center of the ice and begins to saw a hole. All of sudden, a loud booming voice comes out of the sky. "You will find no fish under that ice." The drunk looks around, but sees no one. He starts sawing again. Once more, the voice speaks. "As I said before, there are no fish under the ice." The drunk looks all around, high and low, but can't see a single soul. He picks up the saw and tries one more time to finish. Before he can even start cutting, the huge voice interrupts. "I have warned you three times now. This is not a lake and there are no fish!"

The drunk is now flustered and somewhat scared; so he asks the voice, "How do you know there are no fish? Are you God trying to warn me?"

"No," the voice replied. "I am the manager of this ice hockey rink."

[MDLNB]

A young ventriloquist is touring Norway and puts on a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting,

"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Norwegian blonde women that way? What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, pathetically all in the name of humor!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells:

"You stay out of this! ... I'm talking to that little **** on your lap"

[MDLNB]

ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 ---
CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY


A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.
She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at
her. She
immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved
again.. The man seemed
more amused.
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she
complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.




The case came up in court.




The judge asked the man (about 20 years old)
what he had to say for himself.




The man replied, 'Well your Honour, it was like this: when
the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her
condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The
Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said,
'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to
smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said,
'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.
But, Your Honour, when she moved the fourth time
and sat under a sign that said,
'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!'
... I just lost it.'




'CASE DISMISSED!!'

[MDLNB]

A retired older couple return to a Mercedes dealership where the salesman has just sold the car they were interested in to a beautiful, leggy, busty blonde in a mini skirt and a halter top.

The old man was visibly upset. He spoke to the salesman sharply. "Young man, I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the $55,000 asking price," said the older man. "Yet I just heard you closed the deal for $45,000 to the lovely young lady there."

"And if I remember right, you had insisted there was no way you could discount this model."

The salesman took a deep breath, cleared his throat and reached for a large glass of water. "Well, what can I tell you? She had the cash ready, didn't need any financing help, and, Sir, just look at her, how could I resist?", replied the grinning salesman sheepishly.

Just then the young woman approached the senior couple and gave the car keys to the old man...
"There you go," she said. "I told you I could get that idiot to lower the price...."
"See you later, Dad, Happy Father's day."

[MDLNB]

>
>
> Doug Pender lived all his life in the Florida Keys and is on his
>
> deathbed and knows the end is near.
>
>
> His nurse, his wife, his daughter and two sons, are with him….
>
>
> He asks for two witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place
>
> to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:
>
>
> “My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Ocean Reef houses.”
>
>
> “My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments between mile markers 100 and Tavernier.”
>
>
> “My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the Marathon Government Center.”
>
>
> “Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the bayside on Blackwater Sound.”
>
>
> The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says;

> "Mrs. Pender, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property.”
>
>

> The wife replies, “The ******* had a paper route.”

[MDLNB]

"Democrats announced today that they are changing their emblem from a
donkey to a condom because it more clearly reflects their party's
political stance. A condom stands up to inflation, halts production,
discourages cooperation, protects a bunch of dicks, and gives one a sense
of security while screwing others."

[Taltarzac725]

Note the title of this thread. Not amusing in the least. Started on 04-29-2017, 08:46 AM. Almost five months of taunting of me. And who is complaining about trolling and baiting of other posters? MDLNB on another thread. What a hypocrite.

[MDLNB]

"Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes."

[MDLNB]

The following test was developed by a combination of top US and European
psychologists. The results are extremely accurate in describing your
personality with one simple question.

Which is your favorite Teletubbie:

A. Yellow - La La
B. Purple - Tinky Winky
C. Green - Dipsy
D. Red - Po

Scroll down to get your profile...


























A. You chose the Yellow Teletubbie: You are gay.
B. You chose the Purple Teletubbie: You are gay.
C. You chose the Green Teletubbie: You are gay.
D. You chose the Red Teletubbie: You are gay.

[MDLNB]

A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and, after filling his tank,
he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink
his cola, and he watched a couple of men working along the roadside.
One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on.
The other man came along behind and filled in the hole. While one was
digging a new hole, the other was 25 feet behind filling in the old.
The men worked right past the fellow with the soft drink and went on
down the road.
"I can't stand this," said the man, tossing the can into a trash
container and headed down the road toward the men. "Hold it, hold it,"
he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with this
digging?" "Well, we work for the government," one of the men said.
"But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You're
not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the taxpayers' money?"
"You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on
his shovel and wiping his brow. Normally there's three of us - me,
Rodney, and Mike. I dig the hole, Rodney sticks in the tree, and Mike
here puts the dirt back.
Now just because Rodney's sick, that doesn't mean that Mike and me
can't work.

[MDLNB]

POLITICALLY CORRECT "SHE" TERMS

She does not:
GET PMS
She becomes:
HORMONALLY HOMICIDAL

She does not have:
A KILLER BODY
She is:
TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE

She is not:
A BAD COOK
She is:
MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE

She is not:
A BAD DRIVER
She is:
AUTOMOTIVELY CHALLENGED

She is not a:
PERFECT 10
She is:
NUMERICALLY SUPERIOR

She is not:
EASY
She is:
HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE

She does not:
HATE SPORTS ON TV
She is:
ATHLETICALLY BIASED

She does not have:
SEXY LIPS
She is:
COLLAGEN DEPENDENT

She does not get:
DRUNK
She is:
ACCIDENTALLY OVER-SERVED

You do not ask her:
TO DANCE
You request a:
PRE-COITAL RHYTHMIC EXPERIENCE

She is not:
A GOSSIP
She is a:
VERBAL TERMINATOR

She does not:
WORK OUT TOO MUCH
She is an:
ABDOMINAL OVERACHIEVER

She does not have:
A GREAT BUTT
She is:
GLUTEUS TO THE MAXIMUS

She is not:
HOOKED ON SOAP OPERAS
She is:
MELODRAMATICALLY FIXATED

She is not:
COLD OR FRIGID
She is:
THERMALLY INCOMPATIBLE

She does not:
WEAR TOO MUCH MAKE-UP
She is:
COSMETICALLY OVERSATURATED

She does not have:
GREAT CLEAVAGE (A GREAT RACK)
Her breasts are:
CENTRALLY LOCATED

She will never:
GAIN WEIGHT
She will become:
A METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER

She is not:
A SCREAMER OR MOANER
She is:
VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE

She does not:
SHAVE HER LEGS
She experiences:
TEMPORARY STUBBLE REDUCTION

She does not have:
A HARD BODY
She is:
ANATOMICALLY INFLEXIBLE

She does not:
SUN BATHE
She experiences:
SOLAR ENHANCEMENT

Her breast will never:
SAG
They will:
LOSE THEIR VERTICAL HOLD

She does not:
SHOP TOO MUCH
She is:
OVERLY SUSCEPTIBLE TO MARKETING PLOYS

She does not:
CUT YOU OFF
She becomes:
HORIZONTALLY INACCESSIBLE

She does not have:
BIG HAIR
She is:
OVERLY AEROSOLED

She does not:
SNORE
She is:
NASALLY REPETITIVE

She does not:
GET DRUNK
She becomes:
VERBALLY DYSLEXIC

She does not have:
BIG HOOTERS
Her:
CUPS RUNNETH OVER

She is not:
TOO SKINNY
She is:
SKELETALLY PROMINENT

[Allegiance]

POLITICALLY CORRECT "SHE" TERMS

She does not:
GET PMS
She becomes:
HORMONALLY HOMICIDAL

She does not have:
A KILLER BODY
She is:
TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE

She is not:
A BAD COOK
She is:
MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE

She is not:
A BAD DRIVER
She is:
AUTOMOTIVELY CHALLENGED

She is not a:
PERFECT 10
She is:
NUMERICALLY SUPERIOR

She is not:
EASY
She is:
HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE

She does not:
HATE SPORTS ON TV
She is:
ATHLETICALLY BIASED

She does not have:
SEXY LIPS
She is:
COLLAGEN DEPENDENT

She does not get:
DRUNK
She is:
ACCIDENTALLY OVER-SERVED

You do not ask her:
TO DANCE
You request a:
PRE-COITAL RHYTHMIC EXPERIENCE

She is not:
A GOSSIP
She is a:
VERBAL TERMINATOR

She does not:
WORK OUT TOO MUCH
She is an:
ABDOMINAL OVERACHIEVER

She does not have:
A GREAT BUTT
She is:
GLUTEUS TO THE MAXIMUS

She is not:
HOOKED ON SOAP OPERAS
She is:
MELODRAMATICALLY FIXATED

She is not:
COLD OR FRIGID
She is:
THERMALLY INCOMPATIBLE

She does not:
WEAR TOO MUCH MAKE-UP
She is:
COSMETICALLY OVERSATURATED

She does not have:
GREAT CLEAVAGE (A GREAT RACK)
Her breasts are:
CENTRALLY LOCATED

She will never:
GAIN WEIGHT
She will become:
A METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER

She is not:
A SCREAMER OR MOANER
She is:
VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE

She does not:
SHAVE HER LEGS
She experiences:
TEMPORARY STUBBLE REDUCTION

She does not have:
A HARD BODY
She is:
ANATOMICALLY INFLEXIBLE

She does not:
SUN BATHE
She experiences:
SOLAR ENHANCEMENT

Her breast will never:
SAG
They will:
LOSE THEIR VERTICAL HOLD

She does not:
SHOP TOO MUCH
She is:
OVERLY SUSCEPTIBLE TO MARKETING PLOYS

She does not:
CUT YOU OFF
She becomes:
HORIZONTALLY INACCESSIBLE

She does not have:
BIG HAIR
She is:
OVERLY AEROSOLED

She does not:
SNORE
She is:
NASALLY REPETITIVE

She does not:
GET DRUNK
She becomes:
VERBALLY DYSLEXIC

She does not have:
BIG HOOTERS
Her:
CUPS RUNNETH OVER

She is not:
TOO SKINNY
She is:
SKELETALLY PROMINENTWhat, no new jokes in almost a week?

[MDLNB]

What, no new jokes in almost a week?

Hey, give me a break. You are starting to sound like a Liberal, wondering why his welfare check is late.

[Taltarzac725]

Note the title of this thread. Not amusing in the least. Started on 04-29-2017, 08:46 AM. Almost five months of taunting of me. And who is complaining about trolling and baiting of other posters? MDLNB on another thread. What a hypocrite.

Still baiting and harassment from the gang of TRUMP trolls. I am no longer looking at any posts by this crowd of cyber bullies.

[MDLNB]

Three guys die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven...don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first guy accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest woman he has ever seen. St. Peter chains them together and says "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to the ugly woman!"

The next day, the second guy steps accidentally on a duck, and long comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly woman. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first guy.

The third guy has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly woman, is very, VERY careful where he steps. He manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to him with the most gorgeous woman he has ever laid eyes on...a very tall, tan, curvaceous, sexy blonde. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The guy remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?" She says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!”

[Taltarzac725]

still baiting and harassment from the gang of trump trolls. I am no longer looking at any posts by this crowd of cyber bullies.

trump trolls!!!!

[dirtbanker]

Good one MDLNB!

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G890A using Tapatalk

[dirtbanker]

Thanks for the view wackadoodle!

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G890A using Tapatalk

[Abby10]

What, no new jokes in almost a week?

Hey, give me a break. You are starting to sound like a Liberal, wondering why his welfare check is late.

Now that is funny!

[Taltarzac725]

Cyber Harassment-Internet Defamation & Internet Trolls (https://www.ipredator.co/cyber-harassment/)

Why does this jerk not post jokes where they belong? On the Regular Forum under the Just for Fun Thread where they can be moderated!!!

[Taltarzac725]

Cyber Harassment-Internet Defamation & Internet Trolls (https://www.ipredator.co/cyber-harassment/)

Why does this jerk not post jokes where they belong? On the Regular Forum under the Just for Fun Thread where they can be moderated!!!

[Abby10]

Still baiting and harassment from the gang of TRUMP trolls. I am no longer looking at any posts by this crowd of cyber bullies.

trump trolls!!!!

Then why do you keep looking at and posting on this thread???

[Taltarzac725]

Then why do you keep looking at and posting on this thread???

Because once in a while someone not on my IGNORE LIST posts on it.

You get that it is the TITLE of this thread that offends me!!!

[MDLNB]

Because once in a while someone not on my IGNORE LIST posts on it.

You get that it is the TITLE of this thread that offends me!!!

Crybaby!

[Taltarzac725]

Jamie Lee Curtis Slams the Question Did I Ask for It? in Sexual Harassment Op-Ed | E! News (http://www.eonline.com/news/886392/jamie-lee-curtis-slams-the-question-did-i-ask-for-it-in-sexual-harassment-op-ed)

This is about sexual harassment which, of course, is much worse than cyber harassment in the form of bullying but still I keep seeing the victim getting the blame. On here and in many other places.

[MDLNB]

There once was a man who owned a sausage factory, and he was showing his arrogant preppy son around his factory.


Try as he might to impress his snobbish son, his son would just sneer.

They approached the heart of the factory, where the father thought, "this should impress him!"


He showed his son a machine and said: "Son, this is the heart of the factory. With this machine here we can put in a pig, and out come sausages."

The son, openly sneering, said: "Yes, but do you have a machine where you can put in a sausage and out comes a pig?"

The furious father thought and said: "Yes son, we call it your mother."

[Taltarzac725]

The Florida Courts Cyberstalking Laws Checklist- Let us Help You STOP Harassment and Bullying! - Weidner Law (https://mattweidnerlaw.com/the-florida-courts-cyberstalking-checklist-let-us-help-you-stop-cyberstalking-and-bullying/)

Cyberstalking and harassment.

[Taltarzac725]

The Florida Courts Cyberstalking Laws Checklist- Let us Help You STOP Harassment and Bullying! - Weidner Law (https://mattweidnerlaw.com/the-florida-courts-cyberstalking-checklist-let-us-help-you-stop-cyberstalking-and-bullying/)

Cyberstalking and harassment.

Florida Law--

Statutes & Constitution
:View Statutes
:

Online Sunshine (http://www.leg.state.fl.us/Statutes/index.cfm?App_mode=Display_Statute&URL=0700-0799/0784/Sections/0784.048.html)

[dirtbanker]

What do you call a person who keeps doing the same stuff, over and over again expecting a different outcome?

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G890A using Tapatalk

[Abby10]

Jamie Lee Curtis Slams the Question Did I Ask for It? in Sexual Harassment Op-Ed | E! News (http://www.eonline.com/news/886392/jamie-lee-curtis-slams-the-question-did-i-ask-for-it-in-sexual-harassment-op-ed)

This is about sexual harassment which, of course, is much worse than cyber harassment in the form of bullying but still I keep seeing the victim getting the blame. On here and in many other places.

I am not blaming you. I just don't understand why you keep putting yourself in situations where you are only harming yourself. It's obvious the more you post about harassment, the more upset you become. This is not healthy behavior. There is one poster on this forum that used to upset me every time I would read his posts because he is always on the attack and has little more to say than to call others names and belittle them. Therefore, I put him on ignore because it was a waste of my time to read his posts and they would just upset me even when not directed at me. I rarely notice when he posts now because the way the ignore feature is set up you really have to scan carefully to see their name appear. I know my time on this forum has been much less stressful since I did that - and I don't peek! Just a thought.

[affald]

I am not blaming you. I just don't understand why you keep putting yourself in situations where you are only harming yourself. It's obvious the more you post about harassment, the more upset you become. This is not healthy behavior. There is one poster on this forum that used to upset me every time I would read his posts because he is always on the attack and has little more to say than to call others names and belittle them. Therefore, I put him on ignore because it was a waste of my time to read his posts and they would just upset me even when not directed at me. I rarely notice when he posts now because the way the ignore feature is set up you really have to scan carefully to see their name appear. I know my time on this forum has been much less stressful since I did that - and I don't peek! Just a thought....

[Taltarzac725]

I am not blaming you. I just don't understand why you keep putting yourself in situations where you are only harming yourself. It's obvious the more you post about harassment, the more upset you become. This is not healthy behavior. There is one poster on this forum that used to upset me every time I would read his posts because he is always on the attack and has little more to say than to call others names and belittle them. Therefore, I put him on ignore because it was a waste of my time to read his posts and they would just upset me even when not directed at me. I rarely notice when he posts now because the way the ignore feature is set up you really have to scan carefully to see their name appear. I know my time on this forum has been much less stressful since I did that - and I don't peek! Just a thought.

I do have about 12 people on my IGNORE LIST and am IGNORING most of them. I see what they have written sometimes when someone Quotes them. I rarely peek now especially for affald, dirtbanker, allegiance's posts and some of the people who act just like these CRIMINALLY HARASSING people.

It just bother me when more people do not tell THEM to stop with their CRIMINAL behavior rather than attacking me for using a Political Forum for Seniors and people who live in the Villages or want to live in the Villages.

[Fraugoofy]

I do have about 12 people on my IGNORE LIST and am IGNORING most of them. I see what they have written sometimes when someone Quotes them. I rarely peek now especially for affald, dirtbanker, allegiance's posts and some of the people who act just like these CRIMINALLY HARASSING people.

It just bother me when more people do not tell THEM to stop with their CRIMINAL behavior rather than attacking me for using a Political Forum for Seniors and people who live in the Villages or want to live in the Villages.You keep poking the bear at your own risk. Abby10 and I have simply pointed out more healthy ways to handle your perceived harassment and have offered you various methods in dealing with the undue stress.

Your solution fits the definition of insanity: keep doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

While no one wants to see anyone singled out or harassed, you feed right into it and are not making a valid attempt to correct your own behavior.

We all make choices...Here's my $2tip for today. Go back and get the fries...

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[AJ32162]

What do you call a person who keeps doing the same stuff, over and over again expecting a different outcome?

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I would call him a Tal.

[Wiotte]

You keep poking the bear at your own risk. Abby10 and I have simply pointed out more healthy ways to handle your perceived harassment and have offered you various methods in dealing with the undue stress.

Your solution fits the definition of insanity: keep doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

While no one wants to see anyone singled out or harassed, you feed right into it and are not making a valid attempt to correct your own behavior.

We all make choices...Here's my $2tip for today. Go back and get the fries...

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I’m really tired of the over used chiche’ for the definition of insanity. Who the hell started it !See below for the correct definition.

in·san·i·ty
inˈsanədē/Submit
noun
the state of being seriously mentally ill; madness.
"he suffered from bouts of insanity"
synonyms:mental illness, madness, dementia; More
extreme foolishness or irrationality.
plural noun: insanities
"it might be pure insanity to take this loan"
synonyms:folly, foolishness, madness, idiocy, stupidity, lunacy, silliness; informalcraziness
"it would be insanity to take this loan"


Here’s another


Definition of insanity

plural insanities
1 dated :a severely disordered state of the mind usually occurring as a specific disorder
2 law :unsoundness of mind or lack of the ability to understand that prevents one from having the mental capacity required by law to enter into a particular relationship, status, or transaction or that releases one from criminal or civil responsibility
3 a :extreme folly or unreasonableness the insanity of violence His comments were pure insanity.
b :something utterly foolish or unreasonable the insanities of modern life


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[Abby10]

I’m really tired of the over used chiche’ for the definition of insanity. Who the hell started it !See below for the correct definition.

in·san·i·ty
inˈsanədē/Submit
noun
the state of being seriously mentally ill; madness.
"he suffered from bouts of insanity"
synonyms:mental illness, madness, dementia; More
extreme foolishness or irrationality.
plural noun: insanities
"it might be pure insanity to take this loan"
synonyms:folly, foolishness, madness, idiocy, stupidity, lunacy, silliness; informalcraziness
"it would be insanity to take this loan"


Here’s another


Definition of insanity

plural insanities
1 dated :a severely disordered state of the mind usually occurring as a specific disorder
2 law :unsoundness of mind or lack of the ability to understand that prevents one from having the mental capacity required by law to enter into a particular relationship, status, or transaction or that releases one from criminal or civil responsibility
3 a :extreme folly or unreasonableness the insanity of violence His comments were pure insanity.
b :something utterly foolish or unreasonable the insanities of modern life


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Your definitions seem to defy your post because what you have offered up are various degrees of insanity from "madness" to "foolish or unreasonable". I think the suggestion is more the latter when using the cliche you reference.

[Wiotte]

Your definitions seem to defy your post because what you have offered up are various degrees of insanity from "madness" to "foolish or unreasonable". I think the suggestion is more the latter when using the cliche you reference.



These aren’t my definitions. They belong to Merriam Webster and Google.
Although I agree if you keep hitting your head with a hammer if will not feel better, only worse. That may not be insanity, just stupidity.


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[Taltarzac725]

This thread is now about mean spirited and cruel treatment by a group of Unchristian posters. I do not see anything remotely Christian in this long term-- six or more months in some cases-- behavior by affald, dirtbanker and allegiance among others on the Talk of the Villages Political Forum.

It is also against the law in Florida. It is called harassment. Have you people been watching the news of late? This is a different form of using words as weapons to belittle people from what you suppose is your position of power.

You are masked to many and fairly anonymous.

You should be held accountable for this CRIMINAL HARASSMENT.

It is no longer about jokes at my expense. This is pretty good evidence of group bullying though and it is in writing.

[Jack9696]

Mean spirited posts.

[Taltarzac725]

///////////////////////////////

[Jack9696]

Wtf?

[dirtbanker]

Wow, look at the views per post on this thread...more interesting indeed.

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[Jack9696]

Wow, look at the views per post on this thread...more interesting indeed.

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G890A using TapatalkMuch more interesting indeed.

[Taltarzac725]

This thread is now about mean spirited and cruel treatment by a group of Unchristian posters. I do not see anything remotely Christian in this long term-- six or more months in some cases-- behavior by affald, dirtbanker and allegiance among others on the Talk of the Villages Political Forum.

It is also against the law in Florida. It is called harassment. Have you people been watching the news of late? This is a different form of using words as weapons to belittle people from what you suppose is your position of power.

You are masked to many and fairly anonymous.

You should be held accountable for this CRIMINAL HARASSMENT.

It is no longer about jokes at my expense. This is pretty good evidence of group bullying though and it is in writing.

Harassment. The Florida Courts Cyberstalking Laws Checklist- Let us Help You STOP Harassment and Bullying! - Weidner Law (https://mattweidnerlaw.com/the-florida-courts-cyberstalking-checklist-let-us-help-you-stop-cyberstalking-and-bullying/)

[Jack9696]

An Emo goes to the library and asks the librarian, "Excuse me, do you have any books on suicide?". The librarian replies, "Well, we used to, but you idiots never bring them back!"*

source:*Librarian Jokes - Library Jokes (http://www.jokes4us.com/peoplejokes/librarianjokes.html)

[Taltarzac725]

Harassment. The Florida Courts Cyberstalking Laws Checklist- Let us Help You STOP Harassment and Bullying! - Weidner Law (https://mattweidnerlaw.com/the-florida-courts-cyberstalking-checklist-let-us-help-you-stop-cyberstalking-and-bullying/)

////////////////////////////////:mad::mad::mad:

[Jack9696]

////////////////////////////////:mad::mad::mad:Thanks 7499 posts

[Jack9696]

thanks 7499 posts7500

[Taltarzac725]

Harassment. The Florida Courts Cyberstalking Laws Checklist- Let us Help You STOP Harassment and Bullying! - Weidner Law (https://mattweidnerlaw.com/the-florida-courts-cyberstalking-checklist-let-us-help-you-stop-cyberstalking-and-bullying/)

????????????????????/////////////////////////////////////

:mad::mad::mad:

[Jack9696]

????????????????????/////////////////////////////////////

:mad::mad::mad:That mean face is scary oooo

[Taltarzac725]

Evidence of long term CRIMINAL HARASSMENT.

[Taltarzac725]

////////////////////////////////:mad::mad::mad:

Rather angry about all this CRIMINAL HARASSMENT on this POLITICAL BOARD.

[Taltarzac725]

An Emo goes to the library and asks the librarian, "Excuse me, do you have any books on suicide?". The librarian replies, "Well, we used to, but you idiots never bring them back!"*

source:*Librarian Jokes - Library Jokes (http://www.jokes4us.com/peoplejokes/librarianjokes.html)

Making a record of this CRIMINAL HARASSMENT on the Talk of the Villages Political Board.

[Taltarzac725]

Harassment. The Florida Courts Cyberstalking Laws Checklist- Let us Help You STOP Harassment and Bullying! - Weidner Law (https://mattweidnerlaw.com/the-florida-courts-cyberstalking-checklist-let-us-help-you-stop-cyberstalking-and-bullying/)

:mad::mad::mad:

[Jack9696]

:mad::mad::mad:This thread is suppose to be about jokes.


You understand that, right?

[Jack9696]

I went to the psychiatrist, and he says "You're crazy " I tell him I want a second opinion. He says, ‘Okay, you're unemployed!"

[Jack9696]

The other day I woke up in a panic thinking I was late for work. I grabbed my clothes and was on my way out the door, when I remembered it was a weekend. Relieved I took my suit off and put some comfortable clothes on. Then I remembered I'm unemployed.

[Taltarzac725]

This thread is suppose to be about jokes.


You understand that, right?

Harassment. You get that. From the TITLE of the THREAD!!! STUPIDITY is not a defense from CRIMINAL PROSECUTION.

[Jack9696]

Harassment. You get that. From the TITLE of the THREAD!!! STUPIDITY is not a defense from CRIMINAL PROSECUTION.Maybe you need to go back to law school. Why is a lawyer unemployed?

[Taltarzac725]

Harassment. Use of wackadoodle and library thread. Very inappropriate jokes too as some high school and junior high school kids might be looking at this now or at some future date.

CRIMINAL HARASSMENT here. :(:cry::(:mad::police:

[Taltarzac725]

Maybe you need to go back to law school. Why is a lawyer unemployed?

:boxing2: :mad:

[Jack9696]

CRIMINAL HARASSMENT here. :(:cry::(:mad::police:Don't cry. Your mascara is running.

[Taltarzac725]

i went to the psychiatrist, and he says "you're crazy " i tell him i want a second opinion. He says, ‘okay, you're unemployed!"

creep criminal harasser.

[Jack9696]

:boxing2: :mad:Boxing? Are you becoming violent?

[Taltarzac725]

The other day I woke up in a panic thinking I was late for work. I grabbed my clothes and was on my way out the door, when I remembered it was a weekend. Relieved I took my suit off and put some comfortable clothes on. Then I remembered I'm unemployed.

:mad:

CRIMINAL ONLINE HARASSMENT.

[Taltarzac725]

Boxing? Are you becoming violent?

CRIMINAL ONLINE HARASSMENT.

:(:mad::22yikes::eek::police:

[Bog99]

.



https://www.talkofthevillages.com/forums/villages-florida-political-talk-88/real-americans-board-waste-time-arguing-femo-fascists-249231/



.

[Taltarzac725]

.



https://www.talkofthevillages.com/forums/villages-florida-political-talk-88/real-americans-board-waste-time-arguing-femo-fascists-249231/



.

The bog99.

[Wiotte]

https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20171108/604efd46e05ca1e828d2d0435eae7dab.jpg


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[Allegiance]

No more jokes?

[Abby10]

No more jokes?

Nope. I guess the joke is on you - this thread is now about NOTHING

[Allegiance]

Nothing? Not again.

More NOTHINGNESS

[Wiotte]

Lateral move on Nothingness.


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[Taltarzac725]

https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20171108/604efd46e05ca1e828d2d0435eae7dab.jpg


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Like that Wiotte. :police::police:

[Taltarzac725]

I ignore the posts on here from the TRUMP trolls and am still very offended by the Title of this Thread. It has been up for a very long time.

[Wiotte]

I ignore the posts on here from the TRUMP trolls and am still very offended by the Title of this Thread. It has been up for a very long time.



Tal, it’s nothing really.


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[Kenswing]

Tal, it’s nothing really.


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There's a place for nothing and this isn't it..

[Taltarzac725]

Most of us have traded insults on this board. I would like to suggest we can trade some laughs too.

If you have a joke to share, please feel free to contribute. If you want to whine, or attack the other posters, please do it in one of the other threads.

Making a record of the first post on this thread from April 2017. This is by Dirtbanker as I can see what he posts because he is on my IGNORE LIST by Viewing Post. My point is that I see anything Dirtbanker has posted with his posting name attached. Then I just View Post.

Time and date of this First Post by dirtbanker-- 04-29-2017, 07:46 AM

[Allegiance]

Making a record of the first post on this thread from April 2017. This is by Dirtbanker as I can see what he posts because he is on my IGNORE LIST by Viewing Post. My point is that I see anything Dirtbanker has posted with his posting name attached. Then I just View Post.Excellent, well thought out post.


Makes perfect sense.

[Taltarzac725]

Tal, it’s nothing really.


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Agree. But it may help the next person dirtbanker and his gang of bullies do this too on Talk of the Villages' Political Forum. This shows a pattern of harassment and bullying online. Almost seven months of it.

[Abby10]

There's a place for nothing and this isn't it..

So true. There is nothing better than a good joke.

[Wiotte]

Agree. But it may help the next person dirtbanker and his gang of bullies do this too on Talk of the Villages' Political Forum. This shows a pattern of harassment and bullying online. Almost seven months of it.



Just guys busting each other balls. Each time you come on, that’s ballbusting and you don’t even realize it. If you want to keep busting balls, accept getting your balls busted.


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[Kenswing]

Agree. But it may help the next person dirtbanker and his gang of bullies do this too on Talk of the Villages' Political Forum. This shows a pattern of harassment and bullying online. Almost seven months of it.
As so eloquently stated by another member..

YOU do not understand....YOU are feeding this and keeping it alive. These trolls are responding to your totally no political posts about whatever.

YOU are feeding all of this. If you stop with this, they will stop also.

When I look around, I find YOU beginning thread after thread that does not belong here, and YOU responding to the trolls that are simply making a fool of you.

YOU stop and they stop.

[Allegiance]

Over 7000 views

[Taltarzac725]

Harassment. Use of wackadoodle and library thread. Very inappropriate jokes too as some high school and junior high school kids might be looking at this now or at some future date.

Making a note.:posting:

[Allegiance]

Making a note.:posting:May I see all your notes?

[Taltarzac725]

Most of us have traded insults on this board. I would like to suggest we can trade some laughs too.

If you have a joke to share, please feel free to contribute. If you want to whine, or attack the other posters, please do it in one of the other threads.

Start of this thread. What about the Title of this Thread and the obvious intention of using this???

[Allegiance]

7000 views big applause

[Taltarzac725]

Start of this thread. What about the Title of this Thread and the obvious intention of using this???

Ibid.

[Allegiance]

Ibid.Back to the future. Lol

[Taltarzac725]

You can see the thought processes of this cyber bully on where and when he posts. Many of these are similar to throwing some online punches at me whenever this CREEP gets the chance.

Even when on my IGNORE LIST he still keeps swinging.

It is definitely a form of CRIMINAL HARASSMENT.

[Allegiance]

You can see the thought processes of this cyber bully on where and when he posts. Many of these are similar to throwing some online punches at me whenever this CREEP gets the chance.

Even when on my IGNORE LIST he still keeps swinging.

It is definitely a form of CRIMINAL HARASSMENT.I had a consultation with a lawyer, you Will be getting a cease and desist order prohibiting you from calling me a criminal.

What's your home address?

Never mind I will ask Gene Coppola

[Taltarzac725]

You can see the thought processes of this cyber bully on where and when he posts. Many of these are similar to throwing some online punches at me whenever this CREEP gets the chance.

Even when on my IGNORE LIST he still keeps swinging.

It is definitely a form of CRIMINAL HARASSMENT.

Troll leap. And this harassment goes on and on and on....

[Wiotte]

Troll leap. And this harassment goes on and on and on....



Just use your wit to defeat him. Easy peasy


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[Taltarzac725]

Just use your wit to defeat him. Easy peasy


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Yes. It is.


http://www.thelandofshadow.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/11/HobbitBFATrailer2vc.jpg

[Allegiance]

Yes. It is.


http://www.thelandofshadow.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/11/HobbitBFATrailer2vc.jpgSelf portrait?

[Taltarzac725]

Self portrait?

Recorded.

[Wiotte]

Recorded.



https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20171124/7d341f177ce2628c2c6d1595dec8bc08.jpg

On cylinder ?



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[Taltarzac725]

https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20171124/7d341f177ce2628c2c6d1595dec8bc08.jpg

On cylinder ?



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No. Just on here. No big deal. I just like to make a record of stuff. So Allegiance cannot go back and modify.

Probably for no purpose as the police to have better things to do. There is a FL Statute against this kind of online harassment and it is in the CRIMINAL LAW section.

This will help the next person he targets.

[dirtbanker]

No. Just on here and a few other places. It a big big deal to me. I just like to make a record of stuff to aggravate others. Even though it would be a waste of time, as anyone could say I went back and modified the post.

Probably for no purpose as the police have way better things to do than to be bothered with my whiney a$$ crap. There are all kinds of FL Statute against this kind of online harassment and it is in the CRIMINAL LAW section right along with spitting on a public sidewalk.

This will not help anyone but me, the masochist...but it's all about the wackadoodle in my mind.

Recording...

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[Taltarzac725]

Recording...

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Ditto. Post by dirtbanker.

[Taltarzac725]

Most of us have traded insults on this board. I would like to suggest we can trade some laughs too.

If you have a joke to share, please feel free to contribute. If you want to whine, or attack the other posters, please do it in one of the other threads.

He started this long harassing thread on 4/24/2017. And you can see the intent behind it. It was not to help but to hurt. As is shown by today's post by dirtbanker.

[Allegiance]

He started this long harassing thread on 4/24/2017. And you can see the intent behind it. It was not to help but to hurt. As is shown by today's post by dirtbanker.It has provided some very funny jokes. Thank you Mr. Dirtbanker.

I know you never operated a backhoe, but to anyone that does thank you.

Thanks to all the backhoe operators and other blue collar workers. Even if graciegirl does not, I respect You and your opinion.