Re: Chuckle Of The Day
 

Re: Chuckle Of The Day
 

Surrogate Father

MAKING A BABY...

There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny.

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and
decided to use a surrogate father to start their
family.

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith
kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now;
the man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door
baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell,
hoping to make a sale.

Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to...''

Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in,
embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."

"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well,
that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"

"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please
come in and have a seat"

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we
start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the
bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the
bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You
can really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work
out for Harry and me!"

"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one
every time. But if we try several different positions
and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll
be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time.
I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm
sure you'd be disappointed with that."

"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a
portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the
top of a bus," he said.

"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her
throat.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when
you consider their mother was so difficult to work
with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so I finally had to take her to the
park to get the job done right. People were crowding
around four and five deep to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide
with amazement.

"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than
three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing
and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when
darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally,
when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I
just had to pack it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually
chewed on your, uh ...equipment? "

"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll
set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."

"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my
Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand
very long."

Mrs. Smith fainted..... ....

Re: Chuckle Of The Day
 

SMART DOG

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note in
his mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please."

Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth,
and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a redlight,
look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the
timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front
and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck.
As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery.

After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" button, then the butcher
follows him off. The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the stoop. He goes
back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door.
He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the
garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door.

A big guy opens it and starts cursing the dog. The butcher runs up screams at the guy:
"What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!" The owner responds,

"Genius, yeah...sure. This is the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"

Re: Chuckle Of The Day
 

Re: Chuckle Of The Day
 

For all you golfers... (old but still apropos!)
# 10
Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

# 9
Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

# 8
Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

# 7
Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."

# 6
Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."

# 5
Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."

# 4
Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."

# 3
Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?"
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."

# 2
Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

# 1
Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old. "
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir.

Re: Chuckle Of The Day
 

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom
making love with a strange woman. The wife became immediately upset.

"You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to
Me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I
want a divorce right away!"

The husband replied "Hang on just a minute Love, so at least I can
tell you what happened."

"Fine, go ahead," she sobbed, " but they'll be the last words
you'll say to me!"

So, the husband began -- "Well, I was getting into the car to drive
home from work and this lady here asked me for a ride to the shelter.

She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her
and so let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well
dressed and dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days!

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the
enchiladas the meal I made you for dinner last night - the ones you wouldn't
eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured
them in moments..

Since she needed a good clean up, I suggested she jump in the
shower, and while she was doing that I realized her clothes were dirty and
full of holes and weren't worth laundering, so I threw them away.

Since she is about the same size as you are and because she needed
clothes, I gave her those designer jeans that I gave you a couple
of years ago as a 'just-because', but you won't use because you say
they aren't the right designer..

I found the pretty blouse my sister gave you for Christmas last
year that you don't use just to annoy her.

I also gave her the underwear that I gave you as a gift on our
anniversary, which you don't use because 'I don't have good taste',
and I also gave her those boots you bought at the expensive boutique
and won't use because someone at work has the same pair."

The husband took a quick breath and continued - "She was so
Grateful for my generous compassion and help, as I walked her to the door, she
turned to me with tears of gratitude in her eyes and said, "Please,
sir...do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"

Re: Chuckle Of The Day
 

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.



George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said "No". Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door, and an officer would be along when available.



George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them." Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response Unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

I LOVE IT - Don't mess with old people!!=


++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ +++++++++++++++++


EMERGENCY ROOM

The other day, I needed to go to the emergency room.

Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my old Army fatigues and stuck a patch that I had downloaded off the Internet onto the front of my shirt.

When I went into the E.R., I noticed that 3/4 of the people got up and left. I guess they decided that they weren't that sick after all.

Here's the patch. Feel free to use it the next time you're in need of quicker emergency service.

http://C:/borderpatrolpatch.jpg

(Border Patrol Patch - just in case the image does not come through!)
It also works well if you ever have to use a Laundromat, too.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ +++++++++++++++++++++++++

TICK WARNING!

I hate it when people forward bogus warnings, but this one is real, and
it's important. So please send this warning to everyone on your e- mail list.

If someone comes to your front door saying they are checking for ticks
due to the warm weather and asks you to take your clothes off and dance
around with your arms up, DO NOT DO IT!! THIS IS A SCAM!! They only
want to see you naked.

:edit:I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid. :joke:

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ +++++++++++++++++++++

Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth

Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabethdie on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the angel must decide which of them gets in. The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should get into Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and says, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure the angels will be pleased to see them every day, for eternity."

The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question.

The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and gargles. Then, she spits into a toilet and pulls the lever.

The angel chuckles and says, "Okay, Your Majesty, you may go in."

Dolly is outraged and asks, "What was that all about? I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She spits into a commode and gets in! Would you explain that to me?"

"Sorry, Dolly," says the angel, but, even in Heaven, a royal flush
beats a pair - no matter how big they are.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ++++++++++++++=

Husband's marriage seminar.

At the church's husband's marriage seminar, the Priest asked Luigi, on
his upcoming 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share
some insight into how he managed to stay married to the same woman all
these years. Luigi replied to the audience "Well, I'v-a tried to
treat-a her well, spend-a the money on her, but-a, da best-a is-a dat I
took her to Italy for the 20th-a anniversary!

The Priest immediately commented, "Luigi, you are an amazing
inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell the audience what you
are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary..."Luigi proudly
replied, "I'm-a gonna go and-a get her."


++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ +


*22 CAT Sayings*

1 "Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will pee on
your computer."-- Bruce Graham [ [… Not more than once!!]]

2 "There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast."-- Unknown

3 "Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never
forgotten this."-- Anonymous

4 "Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled
through snow."-- Jeff Valdez

5 "In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats."-- English proverb

6 "As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat."-- Ellen Perry Berkeley

7 "One cat leads to another."-- Ernest Hemingway

8 "Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you
later."-- Mary Bly

9 "Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many
ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia."-- Joseph
Wood Krutch

10 "People who hate cats will come back as mice in their next life."-- Faith
Resnick

11 "There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned
by cats."-- Anonymous

12 "I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is
infinitely superior."-- Hippolyte Taine

13 "No heaven will Heaven be, unless my cats are there to welcome me."--
Unknown

14 "There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and
cats."-- Albert Schweitzer

15 "The cat has too much spirit to have no heart."-- Ernest Menaul

16 "Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God."-- Unknown

17 "Time spent with cats is never wasted."-- Unknown

18 "Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they
have many other fine qualities as well."-- Missy Dizick

19 "You will always be lucky if you know how to make friends with strange
cats."-- Colonial American proverb

20 "Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for
what you want."-- Joseph Wood Krutch

21 "I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic."

22 "My husband said it was him or the cat ... sometimes I miss him!"

Re: Chuckle Of The Day
 

Scotch Humor:


BONO , lead singer of the band U2, is famous in the entertainment
> industry for being more than just a little self-righteous. At a U2
> concert in Glasgow, Scotland, he asked the audience for total
> quiet. Then in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands,
> once every few seconds. Holding the audience in total silence, he
> said into the microphone, "Every time I clap my hands a child in
> Africa dies"
> A voice with a broad Glaswegian accent in the front of the crowd
> pierced the quiet ... "Well , foockin' stop doing it then, ya evil
> basturd!"

Re: Chuckle Of The Day
 

What does the Yellow Light Mean?


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-mrJKB1MtHk

Re: Chuckle Of The Day
 

That was the best laugh I've had in a long while Thanks Chuck

Re: Chuckle Of The Day
 

The clip at this link is hilarious:

http://crackle.com/c/High_Wire/Mrs_h...s/2041059#vt=1

and then there's ~~

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.' -- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.' -- Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have
since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
-- Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending;
and to have the two as close together as possible.
-- George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
-- Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You ma y die of a misprint.
-- Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get
a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
-- Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
-- Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops
to breathe.
-- Jimmy Durante

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
-- Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups:
alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
-- Alex Levine

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
-- Rodney Dangerfield

Money can't buy you happiness But it does bring you a more pleasant form of
misery.
-- Spike Milligan

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.
-- Joe Namath

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's ti me for my
nap.
-- Bob Hope

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
-- W.C. Fields

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way
through Congress.
-- Will Rogers

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. . As you grow older, it will avoid
you.
-- Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to
wear out, fall out, or spread out.
-- Phyllis Diller

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go
anywhere.
-- Billy Crystal

The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good, spit it out

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington
chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so
"profound" that the Professor shared it with colleagues, via the
Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying
it as well:

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) Or endothermic
(absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs
using Boyle's Law: (Gas cools when it expands and heats when it is
Compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So
we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the
rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that
once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are
leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the
different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these
religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you
will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since
people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all
souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect
the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because
Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in
Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately
as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which
soul s enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will
increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the Increase of souls
in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes
over. So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my freshman
year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and
take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then
number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has
already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell
has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is
therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby Proving the
existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept
shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"

Re: Chuckle Of The Day
 

More Scottish Humor:

A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the
prim librarian,
'Excuse me Miss, dey ye hiv ony books on suicide?'

To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over
the top of
her glasses and says, 'Fook off, ye'll no bring it
back.”

Re: Chuckle Of The Day
 

OLD FOLKS...

Remember...Old Folks are worth a fortune, with silver in their hair, gold in their teeth, stones in the kidneys, lead in their feet and gas in their stomaches I have become a little older since I saw you last and a few changes have come into my life since then...

Frankly, I have become quite a frivolous old gal. I am seeing five gentlemen everyday. As soon as I wake up, Will Power helps me to get out of bed. Then I go to see John. Then Charley Horse comes along, and when he is here, he takes up a lot of my time and attention. As soon as he leaves, Arthur Ritis shows up and stays the rest of the day. He doesn't like to stay in one place very long so he takes me from joint to joint. After such a busy day, I'm really tired and glad to go to bed with Ben Gay...WHAT A LIFE!!!

P.S.
The Preacher came to call the other day and said that at my age I should be thinking of the Hereafter. I told him "Oh, I do all the time...no matter where I am...whether it be in the parlour, upstairs, in the kitchen or down in the basement...I ask myself...
"WHAT AM I HERE AFTER?"

Re: Chuckle Of The Day
 

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo
> Toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
>
> Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her
> first day promptly at 8:00 AM.
>
> The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.
> The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new
> employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is
> backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
>
> The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men

> march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed

> up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're
> really beginning to pile up.
>
> At the end of the line stood Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me
> Elmo's. She had a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small
> marbles.
>
> The 2 men watched in amazement as she cut a little piece of fabric,
> wrapped it around two marbles and began to carefully sew the little
> package between Elmo's legs.
>
> The Personnel Manager burst into laughter. After several minutes of
> hysterics he pulled himself together and approached Lena.
>
> "I'm sorry," he said to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I
> think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."Your job
> is to give Elmo two test tickles."
>

Re: Chuckle Of The Day
 

chuckinca....oh, that was too cute. Below is a joke sent to me by a friend...sounds like they could be talking about The Villages:

RETARDED GRANDPARENTS - (this was actually reported by a teacher)

After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school. One child wrote the following:

We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida . Now they live in a box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on their bicycles and
wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore.

They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now, they do exercises there, but they don't do them very well.

There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on.

At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts.

Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night --- early birds.

Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck.

My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too. When I earn my retardment, I want to be
the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.

Re: Chuckle Of The Day
 

Chuck loved the tickle me elmo.

A husband walks into Victoria 's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item , pays the $500, and takes it home.



He presents it to his w ife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him. Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself."

So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, "Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!"

He never heard the shot.

Funeral on Thursday at Noon.

Closed coffin.

Re: Chuckle Of The Day
 

Bump.

Re: Chuckle Of The Day
 

Old People thing!!!! Ain't this the truth???



While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch.
After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip.

When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table and she didn't miss them until they had been driving about twenty minutes.

By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around -- in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man.

He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive.
The more he chided her -- the more agitated he became.

He just wouldn't let up one minute.

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.
As the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her,
'While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card.'

This coming week is National Mental Health Care week
You can do your part by remembering to contact at
least one unstable person to show you care.
Well....my job is done. Your turn!

Re: Chuckle Of The Day
 

Very appropriate TV humor. 1rnfl 1rnfl 1rnfl

Re: Chuckle Of The Day
 

Bump.

Re: Chuckle Of The Day
 

Snow parking

One winter morning while listening to the radio, Leroy and his wife, Carol, hear the announcer say, 'We are going to have 4-6 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through.' Carol goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says,' We are expecting 6-8 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through.' Carol goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says' We are expecting 8-10 inches of snow today. You must park... Then the electric power goes out. Carol is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, 'Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plow can get through?'

With the love and understanding in his voice, like all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Leroy says, 'Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?

Re: Chuckle Of The Day
 

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

Re: Chuckle Of The Day
 

The Divorced Barbie Doll

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a toy shop and asks the sales person, "How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?"

The salesperson answers, "Which one do you mean, sir?

We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95".

The amazed father asks: "It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the ot hers only $19.95?"

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: "Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer and... one of Ken's Friends."

Re: Chuckle Of The Day
 

Brightspot,

Gotta tell me, Is that new picture you???? All these new pictures are driving me crazy!! Please please tell me! : :bow:

Re: Chuckle Of The Day
 

On Marriage and Women...

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
--David Bissonette

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
--Sacha Guitry

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
--Hemant Joshi

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
--Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
--Dumas

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?
--Sigmund Freud

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
--Anonymous

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
--Henny Youngman

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
--Sam Kinison

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
--James Holt McGavran

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't."
--Patrick Murray

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
--Nash

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
--Anonymous

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
--Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
--Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
--Milton Berle

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
--Anonymous

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
--Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

Best Blonde Joke Ever....OK, so maybe it's not the best ever!
 

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.
The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license.
She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

"What does it look like?" she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."


The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

Re: Chuckle Of The Day
 

GEORGE CARLIN'S NEW RULES FOR 2008

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for
weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab.
Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn
't gift giving, it's the white people's version of looting.

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a
reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't
particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the
football team is doing these days --- mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless
you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was
found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did
you expect it to contain? Lobster?

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde
teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these
kids: 'Lucky bastards.'

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're
a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keep sakes of your idols. If you're
a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about
your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Good, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of
this crap at the supermarket, water, but, without that watery taste. Sorry,
but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour
some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned
pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the
bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be
in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security
crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the *******.
If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee, half-soy, half-low
fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light
ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and One NutraSweet,' ooooh, you're a huge
*******.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card,
entering My PIN number, pressing 'Enter,' verifying the amount, deciding,
no, I don't want Cash back, and pressing 'Enter' again, the kid who is
supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't
make you Spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it
translates to 'beef with broccoli.' The last time you did anything
spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not
spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly
sins. ESPN Recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because
watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting.
What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait, they're already doing that. It's
called 'The Howard Stern Show.'

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms,
I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy old
television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote
so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the
reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea
wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After
I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex
with George Michael. I can't even tell If he's supposed to be there, or
just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, Dude. I
just want to wash my hands

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27
months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't
really care in the first place.

New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays
better than Minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every
available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, 'Do
you want fries with that?'

Re: Chuckle Of The Day
 

To all Employees:

Effective January 2008


Dress Code

1. It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your
salary.


If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a pay raise.

If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay raise.

If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and
therefore you do not need a pay raise.



Sick Days

We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as proof of sickness.

If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.



Holiday Days

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.



Compassionate Leave

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for
dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements.

In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral
should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.



Toilet Use

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a
strict three-minute time limit in the cubicles.

At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper
roll will retract, the cubicle door will open, and your picture will
be taken.

After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the
company notice board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.

Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the
company's mental health policy.



Lunch Break

Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more so
that they can look healthy.

Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal
to maintain their average figure.

Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time
needed to drink a Slim-Fast.


Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember we are an employer of choice and we are here to provide a positive employment experience.

Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints,
frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

Re: Chuckle Of The Day
 

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says, "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man." The man then replies, "Yeah, well, we were married 35 years." :joke:

Re: Chuckle Of The Day
 

This one had me laughing so hard my hubby called upstairs to see if Im ok!!!!! 1rnfl

Re: Chuckle Of The Day
 

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, and his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”
The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “Okay, now what?”

Jet Fuel
 

Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddy bikers who worked as Aircraft mechanics in Dallas, TX.

One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Bud says, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!"

Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?"

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hootch and got completely smashed.

The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing. Then the phone rings. It's Jim.

Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"

Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?"

Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"

Bud says, "No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often."

Jim says, "Yeah, well there's just one thing."

Bud asks, "What's that?"

Jim asks, "Have you farted yet?"

Bud says, "No."

Jim says, "Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Denver

Re: Chuckle Of The Day
 

gryoung..

That is too funny..http://www.millan.net/minimations/smileys/laugh3.gif

I have to get a copy for the Helicopter Flight School...http://www.millan.net/minimations/sm...ffeescreen.gifThey will get a kick out of it..

Re: Chuckle Of The Day
 

Many of us (those over 40, WAY over 40 or hovering near 40) are quite confused about how we should present ourselves. We're unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and whether or not we are correct as we try to conform to current fashions. Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:

1. A nose ring and bifocals
2. Spiked hair and bald spots
3. A pierced tongue and dentures
4. Miniskirts and support hose
5 Ankle bracelets and corn pads
6. Speedo's and cellulite
7. A bellybutton ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
10. Bikinis and liver spots
11. Short shorts and varicose veins
12. Inline skates and a walker
And last, but not least . . . my personal favorite:
13. Thongs and Depends

Please keep these basic guidelines foremost in your mind when you shop.

Re: Chuckle Of The Day
 

http://www.millan.net/minimations/sm...oaksmileyf.gif

http://www.millan.net/minimations/sm...tingsmiley.gif

Re: Chuckle Of The Day
 

A golfer is in competition with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. The golfer says to him, "I'd give anything to sink this next putt."

A stranger walks up to him and whispers, "Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?"

The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless but also that perhaps this is a good omen and will put him in the right frame of mind to make the difficult putt and says, "OK." And sinks the putt.

Two holes later he mumbles to himself, "Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole."

The same stranger moves to his side and says, "Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?"

The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure." And he makes an eagle.

Down to the final hole. The gofer needs yet another eagle to win. Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, "Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?"

The golfer says, "Certainly." And makes the eagle.

As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says, "You know, I've really not been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil and from now on you will have no sex life."

"Nice to meet you," says the golfer, "my name is Father O'Malley."

Re: Chuckle Of The Day
 

THE YEAR'S BEST [actual] HEADLINES OF 2007:

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[No, really?]

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
[Now that's taking things a bit far!]

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
[Not if I wipe thoroughly!]

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
[What a guy!]

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
[No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so!]

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[See if that works any better than a fair trial!]

War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
[You think?]

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
[Who would have thought!]

Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
[They may be on to something!]

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
[You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?]

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
[he probably IS the battery charge!]

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
[Weren't they fat enough?!]

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
[That's what he gets for eating those beans!]

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
[Taste like chicken?]

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
[Boy, are they tall!]

And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Re: Chuckle Of The Day
 

I didn't check Snopes or Hoaxbusters
to see if this actually works or if it's a scam or hoax.


'They' say:

If you ever get the sudden urge to run around naked,
you should drink some Windex first.

It'll keep you from streaking.


A very fast fumar ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

Re: Chuckle Of The Day
 

Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement

He who hesitates is probably right.

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are " XL."

If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

If you can smile when things go wrong , you have someone in mind to blame.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs."

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper. It's worse when you forget to pull it down.

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf

Re: Chuckle Of The Day
 

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas Bert always
wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale,
he buys them and wears them home. Walking proudly, he goes into the
kitchen and says to his wife "Notice anything different about me?"

Margaret looks him over "Nope".

Frustrated, Bert storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks
back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots. Again
he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"

Margaret looks up and says, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging
down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down
again tomorrow."

Furious, Bert yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN,
MARGARET?"

"Nope", she replies.

"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!"

Margaret replies... "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Ya shoulda bought
a hat.".