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Re: Chuckle Of The Day
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Have your
parents tell you a story with a moral at the end. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. "Johnny, do you have a story to share?" "Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Marg. She was a pilot In Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy Territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol and a Survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't Break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy Troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, Killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she Killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands." "Good Hea vens" said the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?" "Stay the f*** away from Aunt Marg when she's drinking." |
Re: Chuckle Of The Day
FATHER/DAUGHTER TALK
A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat, and was very much in favor of the redistribution of wealth. She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch Republican, a feeling she openly expressed. Based on the lectures that she had participated in, and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that her father had for years harbored an evil, selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his. One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and the addition of more government welfare programs. The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth and she indicated so to her father. He responded by asking how she was doing in school. Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even have time for a boyfriend, and didn't really have many college friends because she spent all her time studying. Her father listened and then asked, "How is your friend Audrey doing?" She replied, "Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she never studies, and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She is so popular on campus, college for her is a blast. She's always invited to all the parties, and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes because she's too hung over." Her father asked his daughter, "Why don't you go to the Dean's office and ask him to deduct a 1.0 off your GPA and give it to your friend who only has a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA." The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired back, "That wouldn't be fair! I have worked really hard for my grades! I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree. She played while I worked my tail off !" The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, "Welcome to the Republican Party." |
Re: Chuckle Of The Day
A young Indian man excitedly tells his mother
he's fallen in love and that he is going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you observe and guesswhich one I'm going to marry." The mother agrees. The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry." She immediately replies, "The one on the right." "That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?" The Indian mother replies, "I don't like her." |
Re: Chuckle Of The Day
> Subject: retired people > > > > > Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day I went downtown and into a shop. I was only there for about 5 minutes, and when I came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I said to him, 'Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break'? He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a 'Nazi.' He glared at me and wrote another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a 'doughnut eating Gestapo.' He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he wrote a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The mo re I abused him the more tickets he wrote. > > Personally, I didn't care. I came downtown on the bus, and the car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said, 'Hillary in '08.'I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important to my health. |
Re: Chuckle Of The Day
Hillary Clinton called Bill into her office one day and said, "Bill, I have a great idea. I know how we can win back middle America and secure my presidential victory in 2008".
"Great, but how do you propose we go about that?" asked Bill. "Well", Hillary responds, "We'll go down to a local Wal-Mart, get some cheesy clothes and shoes like most middle Americans wear, and then we'll stop at the pound and pick up a Labrador . When we look the part we'll go to a nice old country bar in middle America, and we'll show them that we really enjoy the countryside and show admiration and respect for the hard working people living there." A few days later, all decked out and with the requisite Labrador at heel, they set off from New York in a westerly direction. Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for. With dog in tow they walk into the bar. They step up to the bar and the bartender takes a step back and says, "Aren't you Bill and Hillary Clinton?" Hillary answers, "Yes we are, and what a lovely town you have here. We were just passing through and Bill suggested that we stop and take in some local color." They then order a couple of cocktails from the bartender and proceed to drink them down, all the while chatting up a storm with anyone who would listen. All of a sudden, the bar room door opens and a grizzled old farmer comes in. He walks up to the Labrador, lifts its tail and looks underneath, shrugs his shoulders and walks out the door. A few moments later, in came another old farmer. He walks up to the dog, lifts its tail, looks underneath, scratches his head, and then leaves the bar. Over the course of the next hour or so, another four or five farmers came in, lifted the dog's tail, and went away looking puzzled. Eventually Hillary and Bill could stand it no longer and called the bartender over, "Tell me", said Hillary, "Why did all those old farmers come in and look under the dog's tail like that? Is it some sort of old custom?" "No," said the bartender. "It's just that someone told them that there was a Labrador in here with two arseholes." |
Re: Chuckle Of The Day
Only in America ......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of
the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front. Only in America ......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke. Only in America ......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters. Only in America ......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage. Only in America ......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight. Only in America ......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'. Only in America ......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering. EVER WONDER .... Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin ? Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed? Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"? Why is "abbreviated" such a long word? Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"? Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons? Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour? Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes? Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections? You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?! Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together? If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress? If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal? |
Re: Chuckle Of The Day
7 kinds of Sex
The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. * This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face. The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. * This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen. The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. * This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom. The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex. * This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say 'screw you.' The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex. * Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.(Very Popular) The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex. * This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone. And; Last, but not least, The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex. * You get a little each month. But, not enough to enjoy yourself. |
Re: Chuckle Of The Day
A man and his wife were out on the golf course on a beautiful day. They were having a great round of golf, when on the tenth hole she asks him:
"If I die, will you get married again"? ......... " I don't know, why are you asking that? Its a beautiful day, just play golf". "No seriously she says, do you think you would get married again"? ..... "I don't know, I might, a lot would depend, just play would you". So they play along and two holes later, she asks: " well if you did marry again, would she live in our house"? ...... "How should I know, maybe, kind of dumb to buy a new house, stop with the crazy questions and play golf". On the next hole: "Well, if she lives in our house, would she sleep in our bed"? ........ "No, I wouldn't do that, come on with all the questions, just play". She is getting ready to put on the last hole and looks at him : "Would you let her use my golf clubs"? ........ "No, she is left handed". |
Re: Chuckle Of The Day
Moving to Nevada
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He asks: "What are you doing?" She answers, "I'm moving to Nevada. I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free." Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he's going, he replies: "I'm coming too. I want to see how you live on $800 a year". |
Re: Chuckle Of The Day
BLESSED CANADA
On the sixth day God turned to the Archangel Gabriel and said: "Today I am going to create a land called Canada It will be a land of outstanding natural beauty. It shall have tall majestic mountains full of mountain goats, and eagles, beautiful sparkling lakes bountiful with bass and trout, forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs over-looking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life, and rivers stocked with salmon." God continued, "I shall make the land rich in resources so as to make the inhabitants prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Canadians, and they shall be known as the most friendly people on the earth." "But Lord," asked Gabriel "don't you think you are being too generous to these Canadians?" "Not really," replied God "just wait and see the winters I am going to give them." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- And now you know why Canadian Snowbirds buy houses in The Villages. :bigthumbsup: |
Re: Chuckle Of The Day
Pays to be honest
Man robs a bank and takes hostages. He asks the first hostage if he saw him rob the bank. Hostage answers yes. Robber shoots him in the head. Asks the second hostage if he saw him rob the bank. Hostage answers no, but my wife did. |
Re: Chuckle Of The Day
POLITICALLY CORRECT!!.......and very timely!
While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. 'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.' 'No problem, just let me in,' says the senator. 'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.' 'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the senator. 'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.' And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises... The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. 'Now it's time to visit heaven.' So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. 'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.' The senator reflects for a minute, then answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.' So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the senator. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?' The devil looks at him, smiles and says....... 'Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted.' |
Re: Chuckle Of The Day
FAST EDDIE
Eddie wanted desperately to make love with this really cute, really hot girl in his office.....but she was dating someone else. One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, "I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you." The girl looked at him, and then said, "NO!" Eddie said, "I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up." She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boy friend...so she called him and explained the situation. Her boyfriend said, "Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down." She agreed and accepted the proposal. Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened?? Still breathing hard, she manages to reply, "The bas***d had all quarters!" Management lesson: Always consider a business proposition in it's entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed! |
Redneck Conclusion
Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells
Luther, 'Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii . I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas ,and Earlene got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again.' Luther asks Billy Bob, 'So, what you gonna do this year that's different?' Billy Bob says, 'This year I'm taking Earlene with me.' |
Re: Chuckle Of The Day
In Marriage, it's all about communication!
http://www.smwa.net/downloads/funny/rake_bush4.swf This is classic... click on this... |
Re: Chuckle Of The Day
Actual Letters received by the Welfare Department
I am forwarding a marriage certificate and six children. I have seven but one died, which was baptized on a half piece of paper. I am writing the Welfare Department to say that my baby was born two years ago. When do I get my money? Mrs. Jones has not had clothes for a year, and has been visited regularly by clergy. I cannot get sick pay. I have six children. Can you tell me why? I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead. This my eighth child. What are you going to do about it? Please find out for certain if my husband is dead. The man I am living with can't eat or do anything until he knows. I am very annoyed to find out you have branded my son illiterate. This is a dirty lie, as I was married a week before he was born. In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a boy weighing 10 pounds. I hope this is satisfactory. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and 5 children, one of which is a mistake as you can see. My husband got his project cut off two weeks ago, and I haven't had any relief since. Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life. You have changed my little boy to a girl. Will this make a difference? I have no children yet as my husband is a truck driver and works day and night. In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope. I want money quickly as I can get it. I have been in bed with the doctor for two weeks, and he doesn't do me any good. If things don't improve I will have to send for another doctor. |
Re: Chuckle Of The Day
Actual Auto Insurance Statements
The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions. Going to work this morning, I drove out of my driveway straight into a bus. The bus was 5 minutes early. Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably voodoo. I realized the engine was on fire from the smoke under the hood. I took my dog and smothered it with a blanket. I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight. I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it. A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car. The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment. In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole. I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car. I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident. I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way, causing me to have an accident. As I approached the intersection, a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident. I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman...as he bounced off the roof of my car. No witnesses would admit having seen the mishap until after it happened. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian. My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished. On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke. No one was to blame for the accident, but it would never have happened if the other driver had been alert. I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him. The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him. The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth. The car in front hit the pedestrian, but he got up so I hit him again. I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows. I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight. I was driving along when I saw two kangaroos copulating in the middle of the road, causing me to ejaculate through the sun roof. I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull. The telephone pole was approaching, I was attempting to swerve out of its way, when it struck my front end. |
Re: Chuckle Of The Day
Quote:
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Fred the Cowboy
Fred the Cowboy
A drunken cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo Theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient: "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." Once again, the cowboy just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success. Finally they summoned the police. The Texas Ranger surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy what's your name?" "Fred," the cowboy moaned. "My name's Fred." "Well, then -- where ya from, Fred?" asked the Ranger in an effort to strike up a friendly conversation. With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle, Fred replied, "The balcony." |
Blond Jokes
> > Two blondes with hammers, Carol and Donna, were doing some carpenter
> >work on a Habitat for Humanity house.. Carol, who was nailing down house > >siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail, and either toss > >it over her shoulder or nail it in. > > > > Donna, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you > >throwing those nails away?" > > > > Carol explained, "When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of > >them have the head on the wrong end, and I throw them away." > > > > Donna got completely upset and yelled, "You moron! Those nails > >aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house. > > > > ========================================== > > > > A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the > >tip of her index finger shot off. > > > > "How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her. > > > > "Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied. > > > > "What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by > >shooting off your finger?" > > > > "No, Silly," the blonde said, "first I put the gun to my chest, and > >then I thought, I just paid $6,000.00 for these implants. I'm not shooting > >myself in the chest." > > > > "So then?" asked the doctor. > > > > "Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, "I just paid > >$3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened. I'm not shooting myself in the > >mouth." > > > > "So then?" asked the doctor. > > > > "Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: "This is going to > >make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the > >trigger. > > > > =========================================== > > > > A blonde was driving home after a game, and got caught in a really > >bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it > >to a repair shop. > > > > The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have > >some fun. He told her to go home and blow into the tailpipe really hard, > >and all the dents would pop out. > > > > So the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees, and > >started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little > >harder, and still nothing happened. > > > > Her blonde roommate saw her, and asked, "What are you doing?" > > > > The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to > >blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. > > > > The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Uh, like hello! You need to > >roll up the windows first.." > > > > ========================================== > > > > Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in > >movie? They had gone to see 'Closed for the winter'. > > > > ========================================= > > > > A blonde was shopping at Target, and came across a shiny silver > >thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it > >to the clerk to ask what it was. > > > > The clerk said, "Why, that's a thermos ... it keeps hot things hot, > >and cold things cold." > > > > "Wow, said the blonde, "that's amazing ... I'm going to buy it!" So > >she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day. > > > > Her boss saw it on her desk. "What's that?" he asked. > > > > "Why, that's a thermos ... it keeps hot things hot and cold things > >cold," she replied. > > > > Her boss inquired, "What do you have in it?" > > > > The blond replied ... "Two popsicles and some coffee." > > > > ========================================== > > > > AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST: > > > > A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. > > > > Her boss asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?" > > > > The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying > >that my mother had passed away." > > > > The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, "Why don't you go home for > >the day? Take the day off to relax and rest." > > > > "Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it, > >and I have the best chance of doing that here." > > > > The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. A couple of > >hours pass, and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out from > >his office, and sees the blonde crying hysterically.. "What's so bad now? > >Are you going to be okay?" he asks. > > > > "No," exclaims the blonde, "I just received a horrible call from my > >sister. Her mother died, too!" > > > > That's all for now folks... |
Genealogy
A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?" The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made." Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved." The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Papa said they developed from monkeys?" The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his." |
Re: Chuckle Of The Day
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Re: Chuckle Of The Day
Richman, we don't agree on many things, but that's funny! :bigthumbsup:
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HOW TO STOP CHURCH GOSSIP
HOW TO STOP CHURCH GOSSIP
Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's Morals, kept sticking her nose in to other people's business. Several Members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared Her enough to maintain their silence. She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, Of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of The town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told George (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing. George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned And walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny... He said nothing. Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred' s house...walked home...and left it there all nigh t!!! You gotta love George! |
THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE
Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.' After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?' 'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies. "Great," the husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?" Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure. Lesson 2: A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.' Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.' Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity. Lesson 3: A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.' 'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahama s , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world. Puff! She's gone. 'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.' Puff! He's gone. 'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.' Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say. Lesson 4 An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.' So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up. Lesson 5 A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.' 'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.' The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough str ength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree. Moral of the story: Bullsht might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.. Lesson 6 A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird si nging and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him. Morals of the story: (1) Not everyone who shts on you is your enemy. (2) Not everyone who gets you out of shts is your friend. (3) And when you're in deep sht, it's best to keep your mouth shut! THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE |
What a difference 30 years makes
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Re: Chuckle Of The Day
SHORT AND TO THE POINT
Garfield on the oil crisis A lot of folks can't understand how we came To have an oil shortage here in our country. ~~~ Well, there's a very simple answer. ~~~ Nobody bothered to check the oil. ~~~ We just didn't know we were getting low. ~~~ The reason for that is purely geographical. ~~~ Our OIL is located in ~~~ ALASKA ~~~ California ~~~ Coastal Florida ~~~ Coastal Louisiana ~~~ Kansas ~~~ Oklahoma ~~~ Pennsylvania And Texas ~~~ Our DIPSTICKS Are located in Washington, D C !!! Any Questions??? NO? Didn't think So. |
Re: Chuckle Of The Day
[size=12pt]GIVING UP WINE
I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner. I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?' 'No I had to stop drinking years ago,' the homeless woman told me. 'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked. 'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.' 'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked. 'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman.' I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!' 'Well,' I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.' The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.' I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.' http://i250.photobucket.com/albums/g...ng23/Woman.jpg |
Gotta love women over 50
Gotta love women over 50 . . .
A woman, in her fifties, is at home happily jumping unclothed on her bed and squealing with delight. Her husband watches her for a while and asks . . . "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?" The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care what you think . . . I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor said not only am I healthy but . . . I have the breasts of an 18 year old." The husband replies . . . "What did he say about your 55 year old ass?" "Your name never came up," she replied. |
Re: Chuckle Of The Day
I was walking past the
mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, '13....13....13.' The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little knot hole in one of the the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on..... Some ******* poked me in the eye with a stick! Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'... |
Re: Chuckle Of The Day
WHY YOU SHOULD NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK
> > I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected: > > A half-gallon of 2% milk, > A carton of eggs, > A quart of orange juice, > A head of romaine lettuce, > A 2 lb. can of coffee, and > 1 lb. package of bacon. > > > As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk > standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the > cashier. > > While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly > stated, "You must be single." > > I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the > derelict's intuition, since I am indeed single. I looked at the six > items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections. > Nothing, > I thought, that could have tipped off the drunk as to my marital status. > > Curiosity getting the better of me, I said, "Well, you know what, > you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?" > > The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly." |
Re: Chuckle Of The Day
A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in The Villages, a Florida Adult community. A man walked over and sits down on the other end of the bench. After a few moments, the woman asks, 'Are you a stranger here?'
He replies, 'I lived here years ago.' 'So, where were you all these years? ' 'In prison,' he says. 'Why did they put you in prison?' He looked at her, and very quietly said, 'I killed my wife.' 'Oh!' said the woman. 'So you're single...?!' |
Re: Chuckle Of The Day
1rnfl 1rnfl 1rnfl 1rnfl
Some women just cant take a hint!!! ;) |
Re: Chuckle Of The Day
Counseling,,,, Minnesota Style
http://i250.photobucket.com/albums/g.../Minnesota.jpg Ole and Sven are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing and drinking beer when suddenly Sven says, 'I tink I'm gonna divorce my wife - she ain't spoke to me in over 2 months.' Ole sips his beer and says, 'Better tink it over... ........women like dat are hard to find.' |
Kids pull no punches...
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child.
Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that." Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned." |
Re: Chuckle Of The Day
A man boarded a plane with 6 kids. After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, 'Are all of those kids yours?'
He replied, 'No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints.' |
Re: Chuckle Of The Day
Quote:
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Re: Chuckle Of The Day
A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.
So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened So she blew a little harder,and still nothing happened. Her blonde roommate saw her and asked, 'What are you doing?' The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. The roommate rolled her eyes and said, 'Duh, like... HELLO! You need to roll up the windows first.' |
*JUST A TAP ON THE SHOULDER"
*JUST A TAP ON THE SHOULDER"
A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, 'I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.' The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much. The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab.................. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.'* |
Four Catholic Mothers
Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are. The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'." The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say 'Your Eminence'." The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle "Well...?" She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'4", hard bodied, male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, women say, 'My God'...." |
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