[JohnZ]

A farm boy accidentally overturned a wagon of corn on the road. A nearby farmer saw the accident and went over to have a look and found the boy trying to right the tipped wagon.

"Hey Willie," the farmer said. "Forget your troubles for a spell... it's late, come have dinner with us. I'll help you with that wagon after we eat."

"That's mighty nice of you, but Pa won't like that," Willie replied.

"Aw, come on son. Take a break," the farmer insisted.

"Well, okay," the boy finally agreed. "But Pa won't like it."

After a hearty meal, Willie thanked the farmer. "I feel a lot better now, but I just know that Pa will be upset."

"Nonsense," the farmer said. "Where is your pa anyway?"

"Under the wagon."

[REDCART]

2007 Tax Return
Dear Internal Revenue Service:

Enclosed you will find my 2007 tax return showing that I owe $3,407.00 in taxes. Please note the attached article from the USA Today newspaper; dated 12 November, wherein you will see the Pentagon (Department of Defense) is paying $171.50 per hammer and NASA has paid $600.00 per toilet
seat.

I am enclosing four (4) toilet seats (valued @ $2,400) and six (6) hammers valued @ $1,029), which I secured at Home Depot, bringing my total remittance to $3,429.00. Please apply the overpayment of $22.00 to the "Presidential Election Fund,"as noted on my return. You can do this inexpensively by sending them one (1) 1.5" Phillips Head screw (see aforementioned article from USA Today newspaper detailing how H.U.D. pays $22.00 each for 1.5" Phillips Head Screws). One screw is enclosed for your convenience.

It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.

Sincerely,
A Satisfied Taxpayer
Jerry Steinfeld

[JohnZ]

Age-Activated Attention Deficit Disorder


I just wanted to let you know that I have recently been diagnosed with AAADD (Age-Activated Attention Deficit Disorder). This is how it goes...

I decide to do the laundry, start down the hall and notice the newspaper on the table. OK, I'm going to do the laundry ... BUT FIRST I'm going to read the newspaper.

After that, I notice the mail on the table. OK, I'll just put the newspaper in the recycle stack ... BUT FIRST I'll look through the pile of mail and see if there are any bills to be paid. Yes.

Now where is the checkbook? Oops, there's an empty glass from yesterday on the coffee table. I'm going to look for that checkbook ... BUT FIRST I need to put the glass in the sink.

I head for the kitchen, look out the window, and notice my poor flowers need a drink of water. I put the glass in the sink and there's the remote for the TV on the kitchen counter. What's it doing here? I'll just put it away ... BUT FIRST I need to water those plants. I head for the door and, aaaagh! Stepped on the cat. Cat needs to be fed. Okay, I'll put the remote away and water the plants ... BUT FIRST I need to feed the cat.

END OF DAY: Laundry is not done, newspapers are still on the floor, glass is still in the sink, bills are not paid, checkbook is still lost, and the cat ate the remote control. And, when I try to figure out how come nothing got done today, I'm baffled because ... I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY!

I realize this condition is serious ... I'll get help. BUT FIRST ... I think I'll check my e-mail.

[dklassen]

Three elderly men, great friends from the local church congregation, were asked:

"When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say? "

Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a
Fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."

Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher
and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."

Don said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"

[REDCART]

Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal,
Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful Brian's
roommate, Rachel, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a
relationship between Brian and Rachel, and this had only made her more
curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two react, she
started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Rachel than met the
eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, "I know what you must be
thinking, but I assure you Rachel and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Rachel came to Brian saying, "Ever since your mother
came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle;
You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Brian said, "Well, I doubt it, but
I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure.

So he sat down and wrote:

Dear Mom:

I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not
saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that
one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love,
Brian

Several days la ter, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:

Dear Son:

I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Rachel, I'm not saying that you "do
not" sleep with Rachel. But the fact remains that if Rachel is sleeping in
her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love,
Mom

[JohnZ]

DO NOT lose your Grandkids in the Mall!

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.

He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"

The cop asked, "What's he like?"

The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied,
"Crown Royal whiskey and women with big boobs."

[REDCART]

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all
talking one day.

Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most
beautiful girl in the world."

Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world."

Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the ugliest
person in the world."

So they all decided to go to the Guinness Book of World
Records to have their claims verified.

Sleeping Beauty went in first and came out looking
deliriously happy.

"It's official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the world."

Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, "I am now
officially the smallest person in the world."

Sometime later, Quasimodo comes out looking utterly
confused and says, "Who the hell is Rosie O'Donnell?"

[Donna]

Okay guys...Take this test!!! It is called The Think Test....

http://www.oldjoeblack.0nyx.com/thinktst.htm

Those are all great!!! :#1:

[JohnZ]

Gopher Broke. If you saw the movie Ice Age and liked it....you like this. I suppose some will say....geez John...grow-up. My reply....nevahhh! This is cute.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2BN0a...elated&search=

[REDCART]

A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to
and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to
approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the
husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea
about her hearing loss.

"Here's what you do," said the Doctor,
"stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal
conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not,
go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking
dinner, and he was in the den.

He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see
what happens." Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey,
what's for dinner?"

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30
feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for
dinner?"

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20
feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet
away.

"Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again there is no r esponse.

So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for
dinner?"
(I just love this)...........





" Ralph , for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!"

[Donna]

gryoung ...I love that one!!! :bigthumbsup: ;D

[JohnZ]

gr....you just described me. Man: "I just got a new hearing and it set me back a bundle". Friend: "What kind is it?" Man: "Oh....about 6 o'clock...why?"

[REDCART]

Thoughts for Today
http://www3.telus.net/public/a7a55952/thoughts.htm

[REDCART]

Second Career

Tom was in his early 50's, retired and started a second career.

However, he just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day,
5, 10,15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, real sharp, so the
Boss was in a quandary about how to deal with it. Finally, one day he
called him into the office for a talk.
"Tom, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up
job, but you're being late so often is quite bothersome.'

"Yes, I know Boss, and I am working on it."
"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's
odd though, you're coming in late. I know you're retired from the Air
Force.What did they say if you came in late there?"

"They said, "Good morning, General."

[REDCART]

I know this thread is getting long in the tooth but just one more...

THE BROTHEL!!!


The madam opened the brothel door and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

"May I help you?" she asked.

"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.


"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.

"No. I must see Valerie," he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $5,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave them to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the same man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row -- too expensive -- and there were no discounts. The price was still $5,000.

Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie questioned the man. "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.

The man replied, "South Carolina."

"Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina."

"I know," the man said. "Your father died, and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance."

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:

1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer