[graciegirl]

This has to be among the best



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Subj: Are You Really A Lawyer ???/


> What The Court Reporter Heard
>
> These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts,
> and are things people actually said in court, word for word,
> taken down and now published by court reporters who had the
> torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually
> taking place.
>
> > >> ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
> > >> WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
> > >> ____________________________________________
> > >>
> > >> ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis , does it affect your
> memory
> > at all?
> > >> WITNESS: Yes.
> > >> ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
> > >> WITNESS: I forget.
> > >> ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of
> something
> > you forgot?
> > >> ___________________________________________
> > >>
> > >> ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been
> involved
> > in voodoo?
> > >> WITNESS: We both do.
> > >> ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
> > >> WITNESS: We do.
> > >> ATTORNEY: You do?
> > >> WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
> > >> ____________________________________________
> > >>
> > >> ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies
> > in his sleep,
> > >> he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
> > >> WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
> > >> ____________________________________
> > >>
> > >> ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is
> > he?
> > >> WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
> > >> ___________________________________________
> > >>
> > >> ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
> > >> WITNESS: Are you ****tin' me?
> > >> _________________________________________
> > >>
> > >> ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was
> August
> > 8th?
> > >> WITNESS: Yes.
> > >> ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
> > >> WITNESS: getting laid
> > >> ____________________________________________
> > >>
> > >> ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
> > >> WITNESS: Yes.
> > >> ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
> > >> WITNESS: None.
> > >> ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
> > >> WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.
> Can
> > I get a new
> > >> attorney?
> > >> ____________________________________________
> > >>
> > >> ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
> > >> WITNESS: By death.
> > >> ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
> > >> WITNESS: Take a guess.
> > >>
> > >> ____________________________________________
> > >>
> > >> ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
> > >> WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
> > >> ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
> > >> WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
> > >> _____________________________________
> > >>
> > >> ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to
> a
> > deposition
> > >> notice notice which I sent to your attorney?
> > >> WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
> > >> ______________________________________
> > >>
> > >> ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you
> > performed on dead
> > >> people?
> > >> WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a
> > fight.
> > >> _________________________________________
> > >>
> > >> ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school
> > did you go to?
> > >> WITNESS: Oral.
> > >> _________________________________________
> > >>
> > >> ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the
> body?
> > >> WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m .
> > >> ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
> > >> WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
> > >> ____________________________________________
> > >>
> > >> ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
> > >> WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
> > >> ______________________________________
> > >>
> > >> And the best for last:
> > >>
> > >> ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you
> > check for a
> > >> pulse?
> > >> WITNESS: No.
> > >> ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
> > >> WITNESS: No.
> > >> ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
> > >> WITNESS: No.
> > >> ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was
> alive
> > when you
> > >> began the autopsy?
> > >> WITNESS: No.
> > >> ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
> > >> WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
> > >> ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been
> alive,
> > >> nevertheless?
> > >> WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive
> > and practicing
> > >> law.



I posted this a LONG time ago.




=

[Renegade]

I thought this site was for comments and replys NOT JOKES. If people start doing this the site is bound to fail. Its bad enough I get them in my e-mail all the time. Anyone else agree?

[Halle]

Lawyer Jokes never get old!

[Halle]

Originally Posted by Renegade

I thought this site was for comments and replys NOT JOKES. If people start doing this the site is bound to fail. Its bad enough I get them in my e-mail all the time. Anyone else agree?

There are many forums on this site, this one is Just for fun so jokes are appropriate.

Thanks GG,
Always good to start the day with a smile.

[red tail]

Originally Posted by Renegade

I thought this site was for comments and replys NOT JOKES. If people start doing this the site is bound to fail. Its bad enough I get them in my e-mail all the time. Anyone else agree?

i like jokes!

[otherbruddaDarrell]

Originally Posted by Renegade

I thought this site was for comments and replys NOT JOKES. If people start doing this the site is bound to fail. Its bad enough I get them in my e-mail all the time. Anyone else agree?

No

[Dreamer]

I was actually laughing aloud at my desk. Your posts are some of my favorites.

Lawyers and Alligators
Two alligators are sitting on the edge of a swamp. The small one turns to the big one and says, "I don't understand how you can be so much bigger than I am. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids... I just don't get it."
"Well," says the big alligator, "what have you been eating?"
"Lawyers, same as you," replies the small alligator.
"Hmm. Well, where do you catch 'em?"
"Down at that law firm on the edge of the swamp."
"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch 'em?"
"Well, I crawl under a BMW and wait for someone to unlock the door. Then I jump out, bite 'em, shake the crap out of 'em, and eat 'em!"
"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. See, by the time you get done shakin' the crap out of a lawyer, there's nothing left but lips and a briefcase..."

[graciegirl]

Originally Posted by Renegade

I thought this site was for comments and replys NOT JOKES. If people start doing this the site is bound to fail. Its bad enough I get them in my e-mail all the time. Anyone else agree?

Welcome to Talk of the Villages, Renegade. I hope you enjoy the forum and this wonderful place that we live or aspire to live.

You are right, we do address serious issues on this forum and exchange a lot of information.

However the forum is divided into many subforums, i.e. items like restaurant discussion, non villages discussion etc. This part is titled "Just for Fun" so if you have something that has struck you funny and would like to share, this is the place for it here.

Kindest wishes,
Gracie

Postal Service Goof
The Postal Service just had to recall their latest new stamp issue. Lawyers were part of the design and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

[r_foye]

Originally Posted by Renegade

I thought this site was for comments and replys NOT JOKES. If people start doing this the site is bound to fail. Its bad enough I get them in my e-mail all the time. Anyone else agree?

I agree wholeheartedly, there is no room on this site for humor...I will do my part to stop this levity by refusing to laugh at any more lawyer jokes...Blonde jokes, well that's a different matter...

[2 Oldcrabs]

Post as many jokes as possible. " Laughter is the best medicine"

[armywrestle]

Do you know what you have, if you have, a lawyer buried to their chin in CRAP????????


Not enough CRAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[K9-Lovers]

What’s wrong with lawyer jokes?

Lawyers don’t think they’re funny, and nobody else thinks they’re jokes.

[downeaster]

Originally Posted by graciegirl

Welcome to Talk of the Villages, Renegade. I hope you enjoy the forum and this wonderful place that we live or aspire to live.

You are right, we do address serious issues on this forum and exchange a lot of information.

However the forum is divided into many subforums, i.e. items like restaurant discussion, non villages discussion etc. This part is titled "Just for Fun" so if you have something that has struck you funny and would like to share, this is the place for it here.

Kindest wishes,
Gracie

Well said, graciegirl.