[2BNTV]

The joke by Robin Williams in Mrs Doubtfire when he was talking to Sally Field, his ex-wife.

Sally - How did your husband die?

Doubtfire: Oh, my husband was killed by drink.

Sally - Was he an alcoholic?

Doubtfire: No, he was run over by a Guiness ale truck.

[skyguy79]

A statue of a man and a statue of a woman stood looking at each other for hundreds of years out in a park. One day a wizard, feeling sorry for the statues, brought them to life for 30 minutes. Right away, the two of them ran into some nearby bushes and you could hear all kinds of strange sounds and moans from there.

After a while they came back out, giggling. The wizard told them "You have another 15 minutes left, if you want to have another go." The statues looked at each other and the male statue answered "Fine, but this time you hold the pigeon and I'll poop on it."

[BS Beef]

Not sure these qualify as joke per se but still pretty darn funny….and random

1. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 times consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

2. The 1st testicular guard "cup" was use in Hockey in 1874. The 1st helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize their brain is also important.

[SandB]

Here is an "Oldie"
After many years of marriage and work a couple retired and purchased their dream house, a 100 year old victorian. When cleaning out the basement they found a stash of wine bottles. They picked up each bottle, looked at the label and then dusted it. On the third bottle they heard a large bang and out popped a genie. He told the couple he would grant them one wish for letting him out.

After some deliberation the couple told the genie they loved driving trips and always wanted to drive to Hawaii. So they wanted him to build a bridge for them. The genie was truly taken aback and said it was impossible because of the needed engineering, concrete and manpower etc. Somewhat embarrassed the genie said he would give them one more wish since he could not fulfill their first wish.

So the husband gave the problem a lot of thought. He then told the genie that he and his wife had been married for 50 years and they had two daughters. He said that given his exposure to these women he concluded that he did not understand them. So, he asked the genie to grant him the power to understand women.

The genie was silent for a long time and then said TWO LANES OR FOUR??

[DougB]

OK, who wants to go first?

[Mark-O]

As promised;

A man traveling through a small town stops for gas. As it's filling up the attendant admiring the car says "nice car mister, they sure think of everything don't they?" The driver says "yeah it's got navigation, heated seats, hands free phone, even a TV." The attendant says "hoowee they sure think of everything." He finishes the fill up and goes back to the driver, "that will be $47.75". The driver reaches into his pocket and amongst his change he has a couple of golf tees. The attendant asks "hey mister what are those for?" The driver says "these are to hold my balls while I am driving". The attendant "hoowee they sure think of everything".

[swimdawg]

I'm proud of you, Mark-O! Now..........be careful........ some of the TOTV posters aren't quite as.....well, you know........as we were on the van. Gotta keep it above board. So far, so good.

You are one funny and fun guy!

Keep 'em coming, man!

Karen

[angiefox10]

The following is an accident report which was printed in the
newsletter of the British equivalent of the Workers
Compensation Board.

Dear Sir:

I am writing in response to your request for additional
information in Block #3 of the accident report form. I put"
Poor Planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a
fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be
sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was
working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I
completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which,
when weighed later, were found to be slightly in excess of
500 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided
to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached
to the side of the building at the sixth floor. Securing the
rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel
out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied
the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the
bricks.

You will note in block #11 of the accident report form that my
weight is 135 lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the
ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to
let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate
up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor,
I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an
equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull,
minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section
3 of the accident report form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping
until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into
the pulley.

Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind
and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the
excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience. At
approximately the same time however, the barrel of bricks
hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now
devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed
approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight.

As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of
the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the
barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles,
broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the
barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I
fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three
vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report however, as I lay there on the pile of
bricks in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and
presence of mind and let go of the rope. I lay there watching
the empty barrel begin its journey back down to me. This
explains the two broken legs.

This explains why I cited "poor planning" as the cause of the
accident.

[Mark-O]

Point well made and received. I'll be careful. I may have to work a little harder to come up with village worthy material but I'm up for the challenge. Let's see what I can come up with for tomorrow.

[Cisco Kid]

Originally Posted by Mark-O

Point well made and received. I'll be careful. I may have to work a little harder to come up with village worthy material but I'm up for the challenge. Let's see what I can come up with for tomorrow.

After being schooled by the "M" many times
I now read my post 2 times before I hit submit.
I delete 90*

[billethkid]

Originally Posted by Mark-O

Point well made and received. I'll be careful. I may have to work a little harder to come up with village worthy material but I'm up for the challenge. Let's see what I can come up with for tomorrow.

Don't cramp your style for the sake of a few who may not enjoy them. You will have that no matter how hard one tries to "please everybody".

Let 'em fly.

You'll never know where the thin ice is until you get closer to it!

[swimdawg]

Originally Posted by billethkid

Don't cramp your style for the sake of a few who may not enjoy them. You will have that no matter how hard one tries to "please everybody".

Let 'em fly.

You'll never know where the thin ice is until you get closer to it!

Hey.....you tryin' to get my buddy, Mark-O in teee-rub-bul???

[Cisco Kid]

Chuck Norris once urinated in a semi truck's gas tank as a joke.
The truck is now known as Optimus Prime.

[Cisco Kid]

A man was hospitalized with six plastic horses up his ***
The doctors described is condition as stable.

[swimdawg]

Originally Posted by Cisco Kid

A man was hospitalized with six plastic horses up his ***
The doctors described is condition as stable.

You, Cisc, are definitely at the top of your game.
(I did work in the medical field)