[Mark-O]

Three guys are tragically killed and found themselves at the pearly gates where they are met by St. Peter. He tells them to enjoy heaven but avoid stepping on the fluffy white clouds. They head out in separate directions to explore heaven. Curiosity gets to the first guy and he can't resist stepping on a fluffy white cloud. When when he does a woman appears and informs him that she is his for eternity. She follows him around nagging constantly. The next day he runs into one of his other friends who also has a nagging woman with him. "Stepped on a fluffy white cloud" he asks."Yup" replys his friend. As they travel along in there nagging nightmare they come upon their third friend. He is with a gorgeous angel of a woman. They ask "what happened"? The woman replys "I'm not sure, I was walking along and I stepped on this fluffy white cloud..."

How's this Swimdawg? I need some new material for the next van ride. Can't wait to get back to TV!

[swimdawg]

Originally Posted by Mark-O

Three guys are tragically killed and found themselves at the pearly gates where they are met by St. Peter. He tells them to enjoy heaven but avoid stepping on the fluffy white clouds. They head out in separate directions to explore heaven. Curiosity gets to the first guy and he can't resist stepping on a fluffy white cloud. When when he does a woman appears and informs him that she is his for eternity. She follows him around nagging constantly. The next day he runs into one of his other friends who also has a nagging woman with him. "Stepped on a fluffy white cloud" he asks."Yup" replys his friend. As they travel along in there nagging nightmare they come upon their third friend. He is with a gorgeous angel of a woman. They ask "what happened"? The woman replys "I'm not sure, I was walking along and I stepped on this fluffy white cloud..."

How's this Swimdawg? I need some new material for the next van ride. Can't wait to get back to TV!

Oh Mark-O, I am sooo proud of you! That was cute and passed the "moderator" test!

I hope you had a good time in TV. The one problem is.....time goes by too darn fast!

Keep those jokes coming!

[skyguy79]

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it.

The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up; stood beside the little boy; and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex "Good morning. Pastor," he replied, still focused on the plaque. "Pastor, what is this?"

The pastor replied, "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service." Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked, "Which service, the 8:00 or the 9:30?"

[swimdawg]

Originally Posted by skyguy79

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it.

The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up; stood beside the little boy; and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex "Good morning. Pastor," he replied, still focused on the plaque. "Pastor, what is this?"

The pastor replied, "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service." Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked, "Which service, the 8:00 or the 9:30?"

So cute, Sky! It's against my religion to give the coveted??? SPOTD Award on my own thread......but you're right up there with the best of 'em!

[skyguy79]

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'.... and on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?'

[Matzy]

Actually those are not jokes, just signs posted somewhere (I got it by email, too) but made me smiling:

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
**************************
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
**************************
On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
**************************
At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for,
you've come to the right place."
**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
**************************
On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
**************************
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :
"Invite us to your next blowout."
**************************

On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
**************************
In a Non-smoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
**************************
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
**************************
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet -miss a car payment."
**************************
Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
**************************
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
**************************
At the Electric Company
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be delighted."
**************************
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry;
come on in and get fed up."
**************************
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
**************************
At a Propane Filling Station:
"Thank heaven for little grills."
**************************
And don't forget the sign at a
CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP:
"Best place in town to take a leak."
**************************
And the best one for last............
Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"

[rubicon]

Matzy that's funny

[mgjim]

Here are a few hospital chart bloopers:

• She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
• Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
• On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
• The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
• The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
• Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
• Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
• The patient refused autopsy.
• Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
• Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the past three days.
• She is numb from her toes down.
• While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
• The skin was moist and dry.
• Occasional constant infrequent headaches.
• Patient was alert and unresponsive.
• Rectal examination revealed a normal-size thyroid.
• She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
• I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
• Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

[swimdawg]

Originally Posted by mgjim

Here are a few hospital chart bloopers:

• She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
• Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
• On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
• The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
• The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
• Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
• Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
• The patient refused autopsy.
• Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
• Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the past three days.
• She is numb from her toes down.
• While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
• The skin was moist and dry.
• Occasional constant infrequent headaches.
• Patient was alert and unresponsive.
• Rectal examination revealed a normal-size thyroid.
• She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
• I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
• Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

You have no idea how I can relate to these.....having worked in the healthcare profession for over 40 years!!!!

[Mikeod]

While examining a patient in the eye department at Camp Pendleton Naval Hospital, I got a call from the front desk. They told me a nurse was calling from the operating room with a question for me. I took the call and a female voice informed me they had a problem and needed some information. She told me they were doing a colonoscopy and broke a patient's contact lens. All I could think of to say was " My God, you are thorough!!!".

After a few seconds, the nurse began to laugh obviously realizing how the statement sounded. What really happened was that the patient began to tear and his lens popped out whereupon someone stepped on it and broke it. She actually wanted to know if we could order a replacement.

[2BNTV]

Robert Schuller was a minister who was very successful in being able to raise vast sums of money to build his church, "The Crystal Catherdral".

The story is that Billy graham, Oral Roberts, (heal the sick), and Schuller pass away the same day. So they get to the pearly gates, and st peter says you are all men of GOD but we have a problem. he went on saying they were out of room and he needed to send them to He** for a couple of weeks.

One week later, the devil calls up St Peter and says, "peter, you need to get these three guys out of here".

Peter replies, what three three guys and why do I need to get them out of here.

The devils replied, "Bily Graham is going around saving all the souls, Oral Roberts is going around, to heal all of the sick, and Schuller is raising money to air condition the place.

This story was told by Schuller at one of his services.

[Cisco Kid]

I quit my job at the helium factory today.

I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice.

[swimdawg]

Originally Posted by Cisco Kid

I quit my job at the helium factory today.

I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice.

The i's have it, Cisc. Or is it the EYEs have it?

Keep 'em comin'!

[Cisco Kid]

...

[swimdawg]

Originally Posted by Cisco Kid

...

Keep 'em comin', Cisc....or goin'?!!!